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Overview
S-e-x isn’t a bad three-letter word—but many of us are afraid to talk about it. In this new edition of the fun and comprehensive guide to sex, you’ll find out how to approach intimacy in a new way to get the most pleasure from a physical relationship. Written by the world’s favorite expert on the topic, Dr. Ruth helps you explore the ins and outs of dating and commitment, talk about sex with partners, and consider any health and social issues you may encounter along the way.
As well as giving you all you need to know about how to make your sex life happy, safe, and rewarding, this edition of Sex for Dummies has been updated to include discussions of recent changes and issues surrounding sexual topics — such as transgender rights and the #metoo movement — to provide a modern, 360-degree view of how our diverse sexualities impact and enrich the world around us.
- Whether experienced or not, get the low down on how sex works
- Find out how to spice up yoursex life
- Take precautions to stay healthy
- Discover 10 common sexual myths — and why they’re wrong
Thanks to the timeless wisdom and unabashed honesty that only Dr. Ruth can offer, sex doesn’t have to be taboo — and this book makes it easier than ever to let your hair down in the bedroom while still keeping your head on straight!
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781119596561 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Wiley |
| Publication date: | 07/18/2019 |
| Series: | For Dummies Books |
| Edition description: | 4th ed. |
| Pages: | 480 |
| Sales rank: | 178,452 |
| Product dimensions: | 7.40(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.10(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Chapter 20
Cybersex and Other Variations
In This Chapter
- Sex online
- Phone sex -- reach out and touch someone
- Shock jocks and sex talk on the air
- Sex on TV
- Multiple partners
When teenagers first get their hands on a new dictionary, what are the first words they look up? And when high schoolers are handed out their biology textbooks on the first day of school, do they hunt right away for the picture of a frog? Of course not. That's why it wouldn't surprise me if some of you have turned to this chapter before reading any of the others.
Now I'm not going to scold you for doing that, because I never blame anyone for wanting to learn about any aspect of human sexuality. So, if you believe that this chapter is where your knowledge is weakest, then that's great.
I can't deny that I was the same way. When I was a little girl, I made a precarious climb to unlock a cabinet on the top shelf where my parents kept what was called in those days a marriage manual, which basically taught people about human sexuality. (My parents could have used that book before they were married because, ironically, the only reason that this little contraception-pusher is in the world is because they failed to use any.) By making an artificial mountain out of some chairs, I was not only taking the risk of getting caught, but I could easily have tumbled down and broken my neck. So I recognize that we are all curious about sexual matters, and the higher that cabinet is -- that is to say, the more forbidden it seems -- the stronger our interest and that's fine. But . . .
Even though reading about kinky acts, looking at pornographic pictures, using those thoughts as part of fantasy, and sometimes even sharing those thoughts with a partner can be helpful to good sexual functioning, actually engaging in what most of us consider deviant sexual behavior is another story. From my experience as a sex therapist, the end results just don't turn out positively. Although sex can be a wonderful part of the glue that holds a couple together, pushed to its extremes, sex can just as easily be the storm that tears them apart. Even if both partners willingly enter into the world of "extreme" sex, the odds are that they won't exit it together.
Sex creates very powerful feelings that need to be kept under control. In that respect, sex is very like the human appetites for such items as liquor, drugs, or gambling. For some people, all they need is one taste of it, and they plunge down the abyss called addiction. So, while I'm all for people having a glass or two of wine with dinner, you have to be aware that you may be one of those people who cannot have even one sip of alcohol without setting off a chain reaction that you can't control. I'm even more in favor of people enjoying sex than alcohol, but you have to understand that sex, too, can be abused.
The biggest dangers of going into the outer fringes of sexual behavior used to be that you might find your relationship left in ruins, or maybe a string of them destroyed. Nowadays, the dangers have been multiplied a hundredfold as the risks of catching an incurable, deadly disease lie just around the corner of most of these forms of sex.
My advice is to tread very carefully. Peek through that knothole in the fence if you want, but don't try to climb over it. That fence is there for a reason, and you should heed the warnings to keep out.
Cybersex: Sex and the Computer
I suppose that, since they've computerized everything else, sex isn't going to escape this revolution. And I have to admit that even I, a grandmother who doesn't know how to turn one of those computer contraptions on, have moved onto the information superhighway ("going online") with a CD-ROM version of my Encyclopedia of Sex.
When it comes to passing on information about sex, I say great. When it comes to other forms of what's been dubbed cybersex, I say maybe. You're an adult. You can decide for yourself. Just make sure that children are protected from inappropriate material (see Chapter 25).
The French minitels
Although the word Internet is on everybody's mind right now, the French were using computers to communicate many years before that revolution hit these shores. The French phone company launched a system of minitels, which are basically small computers that are used only to communicate. Quickly, young French people discovered that this was a good way of making new friends, and being French, naturally many of these new friendships turned into romances.
Chatting via computer is one step further removed from sex than speaking on the phone. With computers, not only are your looks removed, but even your voice. Some people also think that your soul is removed from the process, but that's another story.
Computer sex forums
The big advantage that computer sex forums offer is that they are organized according to subject matter. That means that you can quickly find other people who share your tastes and communicate with them, passing on ideas, places to go, and things to do. The Internet being absolutely without guidelines, when I say that you can chat about any topic, I mean any topic. Some of the names of these forums should give you a clue as to what's out there: "Pumps, Leather, S&M," "Water Sports," "Piercing," "Dressing for Pleasure," "Dominance and Submission Only," "Loop and Lash B&D," "Zoo Animal Lovers," "Ten Things Every Lesbian Should Know About Love and Sex," "Penis Names," and "Below the Ankles -- Feet." Had enough?
Although some people merely "listen" in to what others are saying in these forums, most people actively participate. Some are looking to find people who could be their friends and, if it turns into something more romantic or sexual, that's fine. Such people are no different than anyone who attends a singles dance or goes to a singles bar. Sometimes, these people end up meeting the person they've been communicating with, and sometimes it remains only a cyberfriendship.
Other people go online looking only for cybersex, which may frequently result in masturbation. When that is the main aim of the particular forum, it is called a J/O (for jerk off) session. The people who inhabit these forums regularly call themselves cybersluts -- and who am I to disagree?
Anonymity online
Before you go exploring cyberspace, I have some words concerning personal information: It's up to you how much personal information you want to share.
After meeting someone in one of these forums, you might decide to exchange phone numbers and talk, and then maybe even meet. If you're looking for a partner, it is certainly better to get to know someone in person rather than only via your computer.
The difference between a blind date with someone who comes recommended by a friend or member of your family and one in which you've only met in cyberspace is that the cyberdate could be putting on a completely false front and, while seeming quite nice, actually be psychotic. They may sound absolutely sane on the computer, but they could easily be hiding a darker side. I'm not telling you to be completely paranoid, because the vast majority of the people you'll meet will be absolutely normal, but, because some danger is lurking out there, a little paranoia is appropriate.
(This chapter has been abridged.)
Table of Contents
Introduction 1About This Book 1
Foolish Assumptions 3
Icons Used in This Book 4
Beyond the Book 4
Where to Go from Here 5
Part 1: Getting Ready for Sex 7
Chapter 1: So You Want to Know More about Sex 9
What is Sex, Anyway? 10
So Why Do We Have It? 10
Understanding the Ins and Outs of the Sexual Response Cycle 16
Partnering Up 18
Playing It Safe 20
Adjusting Over Time 20
Are You Ready to Get Busy? 21
Chapter 2: Tuning the Male Organ 23
The Penis: Inside and Out 23
Grasping the Basics of Your Testicles 31
The Prostate Gland 37
Chapter 3: Demystifying the Female Parts 39
Making Time for a Grand Tour 40
Translating All Those Latin Terms 41
The “Men” Words: Menstruation and Menopause 49
Breasts: Hanging in There 55
Chapter 4: Dating 59
Does Anybody Still Date? 60
Where Chemistry and Physics Mingle 60
Giving Romance a Chance to Bloom 61
Overcoming Loneliness and Getting Yourself in Dating Shape 62
A Road Map for the Dating Apps 63
The Thrill of the Chase, the Bummer of Rejection 65
Finding the Right Partner: Difficult, Yes; Impossible, No 67
If You’re North of the 29th Parallel 73
Practical Dating Tips for All Ages 75
Should You Have Sex On a First Date? 76
Chapter 5: Introducing Sex into a Relationship 77
Determining When the Time is Right 79
Safety First 82
Advice for Virgins 84
Advice for Those with Prior Experience 85
Chapter 6: Commitment and Marriage 89
Knowing That Love Isn’t Enough 90
Handling Children and Commitment 90
Putting Your Marriage First 91
Strengthening Your Marriage 91
Chapter 7: It’s All about Control: Contraception and Sex 97
Why Use Contraceptives? 98
Considering Your Birth Control Options 100
Facing Facts about Birth Control Myths 119
If Your Method Fails 122
Chapter 8: Growing Up Fast: The Challenges of the Teen Years 127
Being a Teenager in the 21st Century 128
Evolving into Adulthood 130
Dealing with Common Concerns 131
Protecting Your Privacy 141
Don’t Stop Here 142
Part 2: Doing It 143
Chapter 9: Foreplay: Revving Up Your Engines 145
Foreplay for Life 145
Linking the Emotional to the Physical 146
Setting the Stage 147
Getting Physical 149
Switching Gears: Engaging the Genitals 154
Moving on to the Main Event 159
Variety is the Spice of Foreplay 160
Chapter 10: Intercourse: Coming Together for the First Time 161
What’s the Rush? 162
Making Your First Time Special 163
The First Time for Women 167
The First Time for Men 170
The First Time All Over Again 171
Chapter 11: Changing Positions: Variations on a Theme 173
The Good Old Missionary Position 174
The Female-Superior Position 177
Taking Her from Behind 179
East Side, West Side, Side by Side 183
Lap Dancing 184
The Oceanic Position 185
Standing Up 186
Oral Sex: Using Your Mouth 187
Anal Sex: Handle with Care 188
Safe Sex: Playing Alone Together 189
Sex During and After Pregnancy: Orgasms are Okay, with Changes 189
Chapter 12: Going for the Big O 195
What is an Orgasm, Anyway? 195
Experiencing Orgasms: Differences for Men and Women 196
Achieving Orgasm: Let Me Count the Ways 199
Don’t Try — Let It Come You’ll Be Glad You Did 202
Putting on Your O-Face: Responding to the Orgasmic Experience 203
The Best Reason to Have an Orgasm 204
Chapter 13: Afterplay: Embracing the Moment 205
Understanding the Importance of Afterplay 206
Sharing the Moment 207
The Simplest of Techniques 209
Chapter 14: Spicing Up Your Sex Life 211
Using Variety to Add Some Va Va Va Voom to Your Sex Life 212
Expanding Your Toy Chest 214
What If You’re Just Never in the Mood? 217
Part 3: Different Strokes 219
Chapter 15: Enjoying Oral Sex 221
Overcoming Your Inhibitions 222
Leaving Him Breathless: What Men Like 223
Making Her Toes Curl: What Women Like 225
Dealing with Some Delicate Details 227
Assuming the Position 229
Addressing the Safety Issue 230
Chapter 16: Savoring Solo Play and Fantasy 233
Exploring the Mythology of Masturbation 233
Avoiding Too Much of a Good Thing 235
Masturbation: Good for All Ages 236
Masturbation Education 239
Fantasy: It’s All in Your Head 244
Chapter 17: Keeping Up with Cybersex and Other Hot Stuff 247
Eyes Wide Open: A Word of Caution 247
Cybersex: Sights for Mature Minds 248
Sex and the Telephone: Aural Sex 254
Sex and the Radio: It’s All Talk 255
Sex and Television: A Different Meaning of Boob Tube 256
Pulp Nonfiction 257
Sex with Multiple Partners: Where Do All of These Body Parts Go? 258
Chapter 18: Celebrating Same-Sex Relationships 261
Considering Sexual Identity 261
Determining Your Orientation: What Turns You On 266
Revealing Your Sexual Identity 266
Sexual Practices among Gay Men 271
Sexual Expression between Lesbians 272
Marriage between Same-Sex Partners 274
Chapter 19: Conquering the Challenges of Mature Sex 275
Female Changes: Tackling Menopause 276
Male Changes: Not All the Same 277
A benefit of aging: No more premature ejaculation 280
The Psychological Pluses and Minuses 280
Chapter 20: Thriving Sexually with Illness or Disability 283
We are All Sexual Beings 284
Sex When You’re Physically Disabled 284
Sex After You’ve Had a Heart Attack 288
When Disabilities Arise Later in Life 290
Sex When You Have Diabetes 291
Sex and People Who are Mentally Disabled or Ill 293
Sex and People Who are Living in a Long-Term Care Facility 295
Uncompromising Compromised Sex 296
Part 4: Having a Healthy Sex Life 297
Chapter 21: What You Can Catch and How to Prevent It 299
STDs: Battle Scars No One Wants after a Night of Sex 300
Let’s Get Serious 312
Chapter 22: Erectile Dysfunction and Other Male Sexual Problems 321
Premature Ejaculation 322
Erectile Dysfunction 328
Delayed Ejaculation 338
Priapism — The Case of the Permanent Erection 339
The Bent Penis 339
Lack of Desire 341
Chapter 23: Low Libido and Other Female Sexual Problems 343
That Elusive Orgasm 343
Ouch! It’s Too Tight in There 351
When Cleaning the House Sounds Better Than Having Sex 352
Every Body is Attractive 354
Sex After a Mastectomy 355
Chapter 24: Avoiding Sexual Relationship Pitfalls 357
Making Time for Alone Time 358
Making the Most of a Long-Distance Relationship 361
Dealing with Addictive Behavior: Hooked on Porn 362
Staying Close to Avoid the Empty-Nest Syndrome 364
Making Sex a Priority 365
Chapter 25: Sex and the Law 367
Sex, Children, and the Law 368
Rape: A Growing Concern 372
The Law and Contraception 373
The Law against Spreading Diseases 374
Abortion: A Legal Safeguard 375
The Law and Homosexuality 376
Prostitution: The Case for Legalization 377
Pornography: Erotic or Obscene 378
Adultery: Cheating the Law 380
Chapter 26: Teaching Your Children about Sex and Keeping Them Safe 381
Not Everything is Dangerous 382
Answering Children’s Questions 384
Warning Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse 385
The Accidental Voyeur 386
Protecting Your Children from the Media 387
Protecting Your Kids from Cyberporn 388
Giving the Speech about Strangers 391
Sex Ed and the Older Child 393
Other Messages You Don’t Want to Send 394
Part 5: The Part of Tens 397
Chapter 27: Ten Dumb Things People Believe about Sex 399
If I Haven’t Had Sex by the Time I’m 18, I’m a Loser 399
The More I Score, the More Pleasure I’ll Have 400
The Sex Depicted in Porn is True to Life 401
The Grass is Always Greener in the Neighbors’ Bedroom 401
Sex Will Make Everything All Right 402
A Good Lover Must Be an Open Book 402
I Should Compare Sexual Partners 403
I Can’t Become a Better Lover 403
Lovers Want and Need the Same Things 404
I’m Too Old to Have Sex 404
Chapter 28: Ten Tips for Safer Sex 407
Learn to Say No 407
Limit Your Number of Partners 408
Don’t Rely Solely on Your Instincts 408
Never Dull Your Senses When You’re with Strangers 409
Discuss Safer Sex in Advance 409
Use Condoms 410
Develop a Relationship Before You Have Sex 410
Don’t Engage in Risky Behavior 411
Don’t Forget about the Other STDs 411
Don’t Sell Your Other Options Short 412
Chapter 29: Ten Things Women Wish Men Knew about Sex 413
Chivalry Isn’t Dead Yet 413
Appearances Count 414
You Can’t Hurry Love 414
A Clitoris is Not Just a Small Penis 415
Women Need to Bask in the Afterglow 415
Kinky Sex Isn’t Sexy Sex 416
Wandering Eyes Mean Less Sex 417
Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Doesn’t Cut the Mustard 417
Changing Diapers is Sexy 418
Just Because You Can’t Doesn’t Mean You Won’t 418
Chapter 30: Ten Things Men Wish Women Knew about Sex 419
Being Aware of Mixed Signals 419
Lack of Sex Really Can Hurt 420
Sometimes Wasting Electricity is Okay 420
Teamwork is Important 420
Celebrities’ Bodies are Not a Threat 421
A Little Tact, Please 422
If You Really Loved Me, You’d 422
The Way to a Man’s Heart is Not through His Stomach 423
It Might Just Be Sex 423
The Older a Man Gets, the More Help He Needs 424
Chapter 31: Ten Tips for Truly Great Lovers 425
Don’t Make Love on Your First Date 425
Set the Mood as Far in Advance as Possible 426
Find Out What Your Partner Needs 426
Protect Yourself and Your Partner 427
Don’t Fall into a Rut 427
Fix the Potholes of Love 428
Use Your Sense of Touch 428
Become a Great Kisser 429
Satisfy Your Partner Even If You Don’t Feel Like Sex 429
Adjust to Changes Caused by Aging 430
Appendix A: Step Into My Office 431
Appendix B: Terrific Resources 441
Index 445
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