Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault
288
Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault
288Paperback
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781433515989 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Crossway |
| Publication date: | 01/05/2011 |
| Series: | Re:Lit Series |
| Pages: | 288 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.70(d) |
About the Author
Lindsey Holcomb (MPH, Touro University) holds a public health degree with a focus on violence against women. She works in nonprofit development and is an advocate for survivors of abuse. Lindsey is a former case manager at a sexual assault crisis center and a domestic violence shelter. She has coauthored seven books with her husband, Justin.
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Disgrace and Grace
If you have suffered as the result of a sexual assault, this book is written to you and for you — not about you. What happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against. Despite all the pain, healing can happen and there is hope.
While you may cognitively agree that hope is out there, you may still feel a major effect of the sexual assault — disgrace, a deep sense of filthy defilement encumbered with shame.
Disgrace is the opposite of grace. Grace is love that seeks you out even if you have nothing to give in return. Grace is being loved when you are or feel unlovable. Grace has the power to turn despair into hope. Grace listens, lifts up, cures, transforms, and heals.
Disgrace destroys, causes pain, deforms, and wounds. It alienates and isolates. Disgrace makes you feel worthless, rejected, unwanted, and repulsive, like a persona non grata (a "person without grace"). Disgrace silences and shuns. Your suffering of disgrace is only increased when others force your silence. The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing.
To your sense of disgrace, God restores, heals, and recreates through grace. A good short definition of grace is "one-way love." This is the opposite of your experience of assault, which was "one-way violence." To your experience of one-way violence, God brings one-way love. The contrast between the two is staggering.
One-way love does not avoid you, but comes near, not because of personal merit but because of your need. It is the lasting transformation that takes place in human experience. One-way love is the change agent you need for the pain you are experiencing.
Unfortunately, the message you hear most often is self-heal, self-love, and self-help. Sexual assault victims are frequently told some version of the following: "One can will one's well-being" or "If you are willing to work hard and find good support, you can not only heal but thrive." This sentiment is reflected in the famous quote, "No one can disgrace us but ourselves."
This is all horrible news. The reason this is bad news is that abuse victims are rightfully, and understandably, broken over how they've been violated. But those in pain simply may not have the wherewithal to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." On a superficial level, self-esteem techniques and a tough "refusal to allow others to hurt me" tactic may work for the short term. But what happens for the abused person on a bad day, a bad month, or a bad year? Sin and the effects of sin are similar to the laws of inertia: a person (or object) in motion will continue on that trajectory until acted upon by an outside force. If one is devastated by sin, a personal failure to rise above the effects of sin will simply create a snowball effect of shame. Hurting people need something from the outside to stop the downward spiral. Fortunately, grace floods in from the outside at the point when hope to change oneself is lost. Grace declares and promises that you will be healed. One-way love does not command "Heal thyself!" but declares "You will be healed!" Jeremiah 17:14 promises:
Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.
God's one-way love replaces self-love and is the true path to healing. This is amazingly good news and it highlights the contrast between disgrace and grace or one-way violence and one-way love. God heals our wounds. Can you receive grace and be rid of your disgrace? With the gospel of Jesus Christ, the answer is yes. Between the Bible's bookends of creation and restored creation is the unfolding story of redemption. Biblical creation begins in harmony, unity, and peace (shalom), but redemption was needed because tragically, humanity rebelled, and the result was disgrace and destruction — the vandalism of shalom. But because God is faithful and compassionate, he restores his fallen creation and responds with grace and redemption. This good news is fully expressed in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, and its scope is as "far as the curse is found." Jesus is the redemptive work of God in our own history, in our own human flesh.
Martin Luther describes this good news: "God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind, and life to none but the dead. ... He has mercy on none but the wretched and gives grace to none but those who are in disgrace." This message of the gospel is for all but is particularly relevant to victims of sexual assault. The purpose of this book is to proclaim this message of healing and hope to you, because you know too well the depths of suffering and the overwhelming sense of disgrace.
Rid of My Disgrace
To illustrate the trauma of sexual assault and hope for redemption, we will investigate 2 Samuel 13. This passage is the biblical account of Tamar's assault by her half-brother Amnon. Tamar's assault reflects the contrast between disgrace and grace. Disgrace versus grace is similar to the contrasts between destruction and redemption, sin and salvation, brokenness and healing, despair and hope, shame and compassion, guilt and forgiveness, violence and peace.
[1] In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. [2] Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. For she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. [3] Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David's brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. [4] He asked Amnon, "Why do you, the king's son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won't you tell me?" Amnon said to him, "I'm in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister." [5] "Go to bed and pretend to be ill," Jonadab said. "When your father comes to see you, say to him, 'I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.'" [6] So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand."
[7] David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him." [8] So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. [9] Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. "Send everyone out of here," Amnon said. So everyone left him. [10] Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand." And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. [11] But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, "Come to bed with me, my sister." [12] "No, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. [13] What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you." [14] But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
[15] Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, "Get up and get out!" [16] "No!" she said to him. "Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me." But he refused to listen to her. [17] He called his personal servant and said, "Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her." [18] So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. [19] Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.
[20] Her brother Absalom said to her, "Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman. [21] When King David heard all this, he was furious. [22] And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.
Second Samuel 13 provides an insightful analysis of sexual assault because it is portrayed through Tamar's eyes. Tragically, her experience includes manipulation, force, violence, negation of her will, emotional trauma, debilitating loss of sense of self, display of grief and mourning, crushing shame, degradation, forced silence, and prolonged social isolation with desolation. Tamar's social and personal boundaries are clearly violated.
It's clear in verses 12, 14, and 22 that Amnon's actions of assault are violating, shaming, forceful, and humiliating. Violence permeates his words and actions. The words used to describe Amnon's feelings and physical state express sick emotions rather than life-giving ones. According to Phyllis Trible, Amnon reduces Tamar to the state of a "disposable object." After he assaults Tamar, Amnon commands her to leave by telling his servant, "Get this woman out of my sight." Other translations say "Throw this woman out." Amnon barely speaks of her as a person. She is a thing Amnon wants thrown out. To him, Tamar is trash. Regarding biblical accounts of sexual assault, Mieke Bal writes, "Rape is an expression of hatred, motivated by hate, and is often accompanied by offensive verbal language." Amnon failed to consider Tamar as a complete person, created with dignity in the image of God. The intensity of Amnon's desire for Tamar was matched only by the intensity with which he hated her.
Verses 13, 19, and 22 repeatedly describe the effects of Tamar's assault: disgrace, shame, and reproach. After the assault, Tamar is privately and publicly traumatized by shame. The description of her outward appearance intends to show her inward feelings. Verse 19 is one sentence made up of four clauses that describe Tamar's state: "Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went."
Dressing the head with a headdress symbolizes dignity, but to the contrary, applying ashes is a symbol of lowliness. Figuratively, ashes signify that which is without value or what is loathsome. Ashes on the head are a sign of humiliation and disgrace. The "shame" that Tamar spoke of before the assault in verse 13 — "Where could I get rid of my disgrace?" — is now a reality.
Tamar's robe is a special symbol of her elevated social status; however, she tears her robe. The rending of clothes — often articulated biblically as "sackcloth and ashes" — is an act of grievous affliction, revealing the sorrow of the heart, and is an expression of loss and lament. Tamar had her dignity torn from her, and the invasion is now expressed with physical gestures. The narrator describes Tamar as a person. But after this violation, her beauty is exchanged for feelings of shame and loss expressed through symbols of emotional distress. Tamar has become a person who has experienced loss of control over her body, over her life, and over her dignity.
To put her hands on her head is a gesture of grief. The book of Jeremiah describes the image of hands on the head to express shame. Covering the head with one's hands and with ashes is a double image intensifying the expression of the abused person's state of deep shame and anguish.
The basic meaning of "cry" is to plead, from a disturbed heart, for help in time of distress. Tamar's cry is not to summon another, but to express her deeply felt distress. Tamar's "crying aloud" is an audible expression of pain, emphasizing the distress already conveyed through her visual appearance and gestures.
While we read that she leaves crying, we are not specifically told where she goes. The image produced is one of Tamar wandering aimlessly, with her torn dress, wailing like one in mourning, publicly announcing her grief and her disgrace. The assault has reduced her to a state of aimless despair.
Tamar's body language portrays deep pain. Her actions resemble a rite of shame and link her with all other victims of assault. The post-assault scene is dominated by physical symbols that express Tamar's inner trauma. She has been grievously wronged by Amnon and left alone by everyone else. Her brother Absalom said, "Be quiet now, my sister. ... Don't take this thing to heart" (v. 20). He would rather have kept her assault and suffering hidden. Even though the text says her father, the king, was furious, he did nothing. It was appropriate for David to be angry. However, he should have reached out to Tamar and protected her, even if it was only in a gesture of articulating that anger to her that she had been wronged. When victims are abused and shamed, often the response (or lack thereof) of family and friends continues to pile on the shame. Those who should have been supportive and taken her side did not. They minimized what had happened, showing that they did not understand the depth of Tamar's pain.
Second Samuel 13 describes well the destruction wrought by sexual assault, which includes the violation and its effects, the sin against Tamar, and its consequences. An important question asked by assault victims is echoed in verse 13 when Tamar asks, "Where could I get rid of my disgrace?" Her question was left unanswered in the text. Absalom, her brother, responded to Tamar's pain by plotting to kill Amnon and by silencing her. David, Tamar's father, ignored her disgrace.
However, there was one who later came and entered her pain and shame. Jesus Christ was killed, not for revenge but to bear her shame on the cross and to offer her a new robe of righteousness to replace her torn robes of disgrace. How Tamar felt after the assault, described in verse 19, is shockingly similar to what Jesus experienced leading up to and during his crucifixion. Jesus entered her pain and shame as Tamar's substitute to remove the stain of sins committed against her, and he rose from the dead to bring her healing and hope.
Disgrace, Grace Applied, and Grace Accomplished
The message of this book is that the gospel applies grace to disgrace and redeems what is destroyed. This good news for victims is explained in the three parts of the book.
Part One — Disgrace
In order to deal with the issue honestly and directly, the first part (chapters 2 and 3) presents a clear definition of sexual assault and a description of its effects. Numerous misconceptions surround the issue of sexual assault as victims are often unsure if their experiences classify as assault. Sexual assault is not just rape by a stranger with physical force or a weapon. Most victims (approximately 80 percent) are assaulted by an acquaintance (relative, spouse, dating partner, friend, pastor, teacher, boss, coach, therapist, doctor, etc.). Sexual assault also includes attempted rape or any form of nonconsensual sexual contact.
Many victims feel the effects of sexual assault but are isolated or confused because they believe a popular misconception of what sexual assault entails. The purpose of chapter 2 is to let victims know the prevalence of their experiences and the truth about assault. Chapter 3 on the effects of sexual assault is central for this book as it mostly describes the emotional damage done to victims, which is the focal point for applying the gospel of redemption.
Part Two — Grace Applied
Chapters 4 through 9 focus on ways that grace is applied to the disgraceful experiences and effects of sexual assault. Denial, shame, distorted images of self and God, guilt, anger, and the despair that comes with it all can only be dealt with one way: through God's compassion, faithfulness, and grace.
We believe that the only thing that gets to the depth of the devastation of sexual assault is God's one-way, unconditional love expressed through, and founded on, the person and redemptive work of Jesus Christ. And in response to sin and its effects, God's radical grace and redemption are at the center of responding to the pain and needs brought on by a victim's experiences.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Rid of My Disgrace"
by .
Copyright © 2011 Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb.
Excerpted by permission of Good News Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments, 11,
Introduction, 13,
1 Disgrace and Grace, 15,
PART ONE Disgrace,
2 What Is Sexual Assault?, 27,
3 What Are the Effects of Sexual Assault?, 37,
PART TWO Grace Applied,
Allen's Story, 49,
4 Denial, 53,
Crystal's Story, 67,
5 Distorted Self-Image, 71,
Barbara's Story, 85,
6 Shame, 89,
Brian's Story, 105,
7 Guilt, 109,
Mandy's Story, 121,
8 Anger, 125,
Nicole's Story, 141,
9 Despair, 145,
PART THREE Grace Accomplished,
10 Sin, Violence, and Sexual Assault, 159,
11 Grace in the Old Testament, 173,
12 Grace in the New Testament, 191,
Concluding Prayer — "Wave upon Wave of Grace", 209,
Notes, 211,
Bibliography, 237,
General Index, 255,
Scripture Index, 259,
What People are Saying About This
“Careful research, lots of Scripture, and a demonstration that the work of Christ says ‘you are washed clean’ to those who feel like outcasts, which will speak to victims of sexual abuse.”
—Ed Welch, counselor; faculty member, The Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation; author, Shame Interrupted and Side by Side
“I can’t express how grateful I am that someone is tackling this subject with both a pastoral heart and an understanding of how the devastating effects of sexual assault can wreak havoc for decades after the abuse. It is an epidemic issue where resources are scarce. There isn’t a weekend that goes by where we aren’t told a gut-wrenching tale of innocence stolen and left trying to help a man or woman make sense of their pain. I praise God for the gospel that can heal and restore and for the Holcombs that had the courage and wisdom to write this book for us.”
—Matt Chandler, Lead Pastor, The Village Church, Dallas, Texas; President, Acts 29 Church Planting Network; author, The Mingling of Souls and The Explicit Gospel
“God sees, knows, heals, restores, and redeems. This is the message of hope this book offers, to all who have suffered from abuse. How desperately needed this message is in our culture today! In my interaction with teens and young adults, I have heard many stories of sexual abuse. I am so thrilled that there is a resource like this book that offers relevant, practical, biblical hope and healing words of life.”
—Rebecca St. James, singer; author; actress
“Justin and Lindsey demonstrate a unique level of compassion and concern for victims of sexual assault and the hope for them for healing. The gentle and empathetic tone, along with a sincere belief that victims can experience healing, makes this book indispensable for both victims and those who care for them.”
—Craig Groeschel, Pastor, Life.Church; author, Daily Power: 365 Days of Fuel for Your Soul
“The world—and too often the church—encourages victims of sexual assault to do more. Self-help advice just adds more layers of guilt and a sense of powerlessness. The authors of this excellent book have good news: literally, a gospel that answers our disgrace with the grace of God in Christ. For anyone who suffers from abuse—as well as those who minister to them—Rid of My Disgrace is powerful, healing medicine.”
—Michael Horton, J. Gresham Machen Professor of Theology and Apologetics, Westminster Seminary California; Host, White Horse Inn; author, Core Christianity
“Where will you find a ‘Theology of the Victim’ from a Reformed theologian? You just found it. If you’ve been the victim of abuse, you won’t find yourself blamed in this book. You’ll find yourself embraced by the love of a God who meets you in your pain. This will be required reading for all of my students.”
—Chuck DeGroat, Academic Dean, Newbigin House of Studies; Director, City Church Counseling Center
“Some books are easy to read, but this isn’t one of them. Its difficulty, however, is not a matter of style or prose but of substance. We don’t like thinking about sexual assault and abuse. We’d rather pretend they don’t exist. But the church can no longer afford to turn a blind eye to the extent of this problem or to ignore the devastation it brings to both body and soul. What makes this book so worthy of your attention, notwithstanding the discomfort it may cause you to feel, is the wealth of wisdom, gospel grace, and pastoral sensitivity that the Holcombs bring to bear on those affected by this experience. No matter how deep the pain or sense of loss endured by the victims of sexual assault, God’s healing grace and power are greater still. Highly recommended!”
—Sam Storms, Senior Pastor, Bridgeway Church, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
“One can tell that the Holcombs have extensive experience working with victims of various kinds of assault because this book is so comprehensive in elucidating the types of healing necessary. Thoroughly researched, richly evangelical in theology, strongly assertive to deliver from blame and guilt, Rid of My Disgrace is heartily recommended for all who suffer from sexual exploitation.”
—Marva J. Dawn, theologian; speaker; author, Being Well When We're Ill; In the Beginning GOD; and Talking the Walk
“As the President of Youth for Christ/USA, I am a first hand witness to thousands of lives that have been impacted and marred by sexual assault. Often the trauma is replaced by debilitating shame and despair. I was moved and inspired by the thoughtful, comprehensive and approachable way that Justin and Lindsey Holcomb unpack the power of grace. The pages of the book unwrap the gift of God, they unlock the shackles of guilt, and they unleash the Spirit of God to transform. Rid of My Disgrace is an important work, for a vital time, to a broken people. I praise God for the fruit that this book will produce.”
—Dan Wolgemuth, President/CEO, Youth for Christ
“Written passionately from the agony that haunts victims, this book also offers a message of hope and healing. It is an invaluable resource for those who have been victimized and a must-read for family, friends, pastors, or counselors of victims to be equipped to serve and love them well.”
—Jud Wilhite, author, Eyes Wide Open and Uncensored Grace; senior pastor, Central Christian Church, Las Vegas, Nevada
“This important book places the powder keg of gospel truth where it is most needed: on the frontline of pastoral ministry. A mixture of clear writing, real-life stories, and faithful Bible exposition makes this a powerful resource in the fight for redemption in the lives of those we are called to serve.”
—Joel Virgo, Lead Pastor, Church of Christ the King, Brighton
“This is a sad and disturbing book. The ‘dark’ of it will keep you awake at night. But the ‘light’ will cause you to sing with joy and hope. What a gift to the church and to those who have felt the shame of sexual assault or who love those who have! Read it and give it to your friends. They will rise up and call you blessed! It is the best book I’ve ever read on the subject of abuse…and I’ve read a lot of them.”
—Steve Brown, Host, Key Life Radio Program; author, Three Free Sins: God Isn't Mad At You
“This compelling, disturbing and hopeful book written from the perspective of the Christian faith, has the potential to be a lifeline for many who have experienced the horror of sexual violence.”
—Rob Morris, President and co-founder, Love146
“Rid of My Disgrace reminds victims of sexual assault that they are not alone and it is not the end of the story. From King David’s daughter Tamar to the courageous survivors telling their stories today, the Holcombs take sexual assault out of the shadows of shame and isolation and into the light of the gospel. With a solid grasp on both the effects of sexual assault and of redemptive history, the Holcombs thoroughly identify sexual assault and its aftermath while calling the reader to let even such a painful, hideous act be a part of their story of redemption through Christ’s sufficient work on the cross.”
—Monica Taffinder, co-founder and counselor, Grace Clinic Christian Counseling
“This book helped us understand the painful emotions that go along with the particular suffering of sexual assault. But more than that, it showed us how to respond to our twelve-year-old son who was assaulted.”
—Parents of a child victim
“I thought I had gotten over the abuses in my past—I had forgiven my abusers, stopped feeling like a victim, and felt like I was a stronger person. After reading Rid of My Disgrace, I realized there were still underlying issues I hadn’t dealt with that were preventing me from getting close to other people and, worst of all, preventing me from having a deeper relationship with God. Each chapter not only discussed each emotion that had been secretly weighing on me, but also showed me that those emotions don’t have to rule me. Jesus’ death and resurrection apply not only to my sins, but also to the burden of someone else’s sin against me. My identity is no longer as ‘damaged goods.’ It is ‘child of God’ and with that comes God’s unending love. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has experienced not only some form of sexual abuse, but other abuses as well.”
—Adult female victim