Reptiles in Love: Ending Destructive Fights and Evolving Toward More Loving Relationships

by Don Ferguson

Overview

Nagging, snide comments, passive-aggressive tendencies, running away, childish insults; sometimes even the most loving couples can revert to their primitive nature. Don Ferguson, a psychologist and relationship therapist, has discovered that no matter how evolved we think we are, our reptilian brain is still primed for instantaneous reactions and fight-or-flight. This syndrome can rule relationships and in the end destroy them. Through the latest neurological research, Ferguson has discovered how to manage our primitive reactions with thoughtful, 'new brain' interventions. Written in a highly entertaining and readable way, Reptiles in Love has an answer for helping couples to stop attacking each other and transform their dysfunctional, prehistoric relationship into a more evolved and loving partnership.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781118436202
Publisher:	Wiley
Publication date:	04/24/2012
Pages:	268
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Don Ferguson Ph.D. has been a leading teacher, trainer, and practitioner in the field of relationships and couples therapy for more than 20 years. He has presented hundreds of seminars and trainings to organizations and groups of psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists, and specifically has developed the Reptiles in Love program to the point where it is well researched, presented and taught frequently to professionals, and applied successfully by many couples who have benefited from it over the years. (See his websites: www.reptilesinlove.com, and www.donfergusonseminars.com. Presently staff Psychologist, he was formerly the Clinical Director for Psychiatry at Dean Health System, a major health care provider in Madison, Wisconsin.

Table of Contents

Preface: Be Like Elvis! But Less Dead vii

Introduction 1

Part I: Understanding the Reptile in Us

1. The Dinosaur Legacy: Why We Fight Poorly 13

2. Lizard Madness: Understanding Methods and Cycles in Stupid Fighting 35

Part II: Five Steps to Ending Destructive Fights and Evolving Toward More Loving Relationships

3. Step One: Assess Your Relationship 61

4. Step Two: Learn to Communicate in a Nonreptilian Manner 89

5. Step Three: Clarify Your Needs and Fears Together 109

6. Step Four: Add Positives and Build Intimacy 129

7. Step Five: Learn Nonreptilian Lovemaking 147

Part III: Special Issues for Evolving Reptiles

8. Once Bitten . . . : Surviving Betrayal 169

9. Reptiles in Therapy: An Introduction to Couples Therapy 193

10. Pure Divorce: If You Must, End and Leave Fully Human 209

Afterword: A Few Words in Closing 223

Notes 225

Resources 235

About the Author 247

Index 249

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"This book offers a refreshingly original look at the way couples operate and at what can go wrong. Dr. Ferguson has combined his clinical wisdom, his extensive experience helping couples, and his thorough understanding of current research to create a book that is both informed and user-friendly.  Packed with practical guidance and numerous case examples and written in a lively, humorous style, this book is a delight to read and is sure to help both couples in distress and those seeking to strengthen their relationships."
—Denise Beckfield, clinical psychologist and author, Master Your Panic and Take Back Your Life

"Another relationship book? Yes, and Reptiles in Love is different. It’s not only fun and easy to read, but it comes at the issue from an entirely new angle, using the newest brain science to help you recognize and change those perplexing repetitive problems in your relationship.  Read it before your relationship goes extinct."
—Bill O’Hanlon, marriage and family therapist and author, Love Is a Verb and Rewriting Love Stories

"Written in a warm, humorous, and very engaging way, this book offers wisdom, reassurance, and sensible advice, along with practical exercises and suggestions. Couples who want a more satisfying and lively relationship will benefit from reading and implementing Dr. Ferguson’s recommendations."
—Mark A. Karpel, author, Evaluating Couples: A Handbook for Practitioners

"Don Ferguson has done an amazing piece of work in integrating an enormous body of professional knowledge on what makes marriages tick and how couples can help themselves when they’re having trouble. And he’s done all this in the most engaging, reader-friendly style I've come across in years."
—Alan S. Gurman, professor and director of family therapy training, Department of Psychiatry, University of Wisconsin Medical School

"This refreshing book offers new insights for couples that will help them ‘fight for their marriage.’"
—Dr. Howard J. Markman, author, Fighting for Your Marriage and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage

Editorial Reviews

According to psychologist Ferguson, we're all reptiles in love: conflicts between people, especially in intimate relationships, are often triggered by our "reptilian" brains, the part that brings on a fight-or-flight stance rather than rational or mutually beneficial behaviors-when threatened, we lash out. Too many relationship guidebooks rush the couple to resume a feeling of intimacy, says Ferguson, when in fact, fear and anger must be reduced and trust re-established first. Addressing what he calls "stupid fighting" (over nonsense: "You're cheap," "It's your mother's fault"), Ferguson takes a close look at the dynamics of intimacy and how it is that people who have the greatest passion for each other also seem to dole out the most venom when threatened. This book offers understanding of the mechanics of human relationships and sensible guidelines for lessening tension and resolving conflict. Ferguson injects humor to illustrate key points and highlight the often absurd behaviors people display when threatened. While the old adage states that you always hurt the one you love, this book shows that this isn't necessary and together couples can find common ground to re-establish mutual love and respect. (Mar.) Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.

Publishers Weekly

No matter how sophisticated people think they are, even the most loving couples revert to their primitive, or "reptilian," nature of fight-or-flight, according to Ferguson (staff psychologist, Dean Medical Ctr., Madison, WI). Taking both a biological and a psychological approach, he explains how partners can manage challenges to intimacy more effectively if they understand their basic physical reactions to each other. He develops this idea further by discussing how maladaptive responses to perceived threats (feeling the need to defend oneself) lead to unprovoked attacks. In a clear-cut, helpful, and humorous manner, Ferguson discusses how to end these cycles and create healthier relationships, going so far as to include helpful suggestions for making divorce as humane as possible. Highly recommended for all libraries. Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information.

Library Journal

According to psychologist Ferguson, we're all reptiles in love: conflicts between people, especially in intimate relationships, are often triggered by our "reptilian" brains, the part that brings on a fight-or-flight stance rather than rational or mutually beneficial behaviors—when threatened, we lash out. Too many relationship guidebooks rush the couple to resume a feeling of intimacy, says Ferguson, when in fact, fear and anger must be reduced and trust re-established first. Addressing what he calls "stupid fighting" (over nonsense: "You're cheap," "It's your mother's fault"), Ferguson takes a close look at the dynamics of intimacy and how it is that people who have the greatest passion for each other also seem to dole out the most venom when threatened. This book offers understanding of the mechanics of human relationships and sensible guidelines for lessening tension and resolving conflict. Ferguson injects humor to illustrate key points and highlight the often absurd behaviors people display when threatened. While the old adage states that you always hurt the one you love, this book shows that this isn't necessary and together couples can find common ground to re-establish mutual love and respect. (Mar.) (Publishers Weekly, January 16, 2006)

No matter how sophisticated people think they are, even the most loving couples revert to their primitive, or "reptilian," nature of fight-or-flight, according to Ferguson (staff psychologist, Dean Medical Ctr., Madison, WI). Taking both a biological and a psychological approach, he explains how partners can manage challenges to intimacy more effectively if they understand their basic physical reactions to each other. He develops this idea further by discussing how maladaptive responses to perceived threats (feeling the need to defend oneself) lead to unprovoked attacks. In a clear-cut, helpful, and humorous manner, Ferguson discusses how to end these cycles and create healthier relationships, going so far as to include helpful suggestions for making divorce as humane as possible. Highly recommended for all libraries. Copyright 2006 Reed Business Information. (Library Journal)

From the Publisher