Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner

by Phillip C. McGraw PhD

Overview

In his bestselling self-help bible, Life Strategies, high-profile psychologist Phil McGraw helped thousands of people break free from destructive habits and situations. Now he turns his attention to troubled relationships, providing a program of expert advice geared to reconnecting partners who are seriously committed to staying together. Filled with questionnaires, checklists, and other diagnostic tools, this authoritative guide allows readers to pinpoint specific problems. McGraw then explodes ten of the most popular relationship myths about romance, problem-solving, and personality differences, replacing them with clear, action-oriented steps to help get partners back on the right track. He eschews the rhetoric of standard "couples therapy,'' stressing at every turn the importance of taking personal responsibility not only for yourself but for the state of your relationship. Finally he addresses such recurring problems as sex, fighting, and forgiveness and provides serious, hard-hitting advice on avoiding wrong thinking and dealing with real-life issues—even renegotiating the fundamental principles of the relationship.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780786885985
Publisher:	Hachette Books
Publication date:	09/19/2001
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	302
Sales rank:	417,624
Product dimensions:	5.20(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.90(d)
Age Range:	13 - 18 Years

About the Author

Dr. Phil McGraw is the author of five #1 New York Times bestsellers: Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters; Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner; Self Matters: Creating Your Life From the Inside Out; The Ultimate Weight Solution: The Seven Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, and his most recent book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family. He is also the author of the New York Times bestseller The Ultimate Weight Solution Coookbook: Recipes for Weight Loss Freedom as well as The Ultimate Weight Solution Food Guide. His books have been published in 37 languages with over 22 million copies in print. Dr. Phil has a B.S, M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from North Texas State University with a dual area of emphasis in clinical and behavioral medicine. He has been a board-certified and licensed clinical psychologist since 1978, and appears on his nationally syndicated daily one-hour series, Dr. Phil. He lives in Los Angeles with Robin, his wife of 28 years, and their two sons, Jay and Jordan.

Read an Excerpt

RELATIONSHIP HEALTH PROFILE

Let's take an overall look at your relationship. The following is a broad questionnaire, a true/false test that includes items relevant to the health of you and your relationship. Again, be honest and go with your first reaction. Do not spend an excessive amount of time debating any one item.

Circle either True or False for each item.

1. I am satisfied with my sex life.	True	False
2. My partner doesn't really listen to me.	True	False
3. I trust my partner.	True	False
4. I feel picked on and put down.	True	False
5. I am hopeful about our future.	True	False
6. It is not easy to share my feelings.	True	False
7. My partner often says, I love you.	True	False
8. Sometimes I feel rage.	True	False
9. I feel appreciated.	True	False
10. I am out of control.	True	False
11. My partner is there for me in hard times.	True	False
12. My partner is harsh in his or her criticism.	True	False
13. My partner understands me.	True	False
14. I fear my partner is bored.	True	False
15. My partner doesn't like to share what's on his or her mind.	True	False
16. I imagine myself divorced.	True	False
17. My relationship is what I always dreamed of.	True	False
18. I know I am right.	True	False
19. My partner treats me with dignity and respect.	True	False
20. My partner is a taker.	True	False
21. We often do fun things together.	True	False
22. Sometimes I just want to hurt my partner.	True	False
23. I feel loved.	True	False
24. I would rather lie than deal with a problem.	True	False
25. We still have a lot of passion in our relationship.	True	False
26. I am trapped with no escape.	True	False
27. My partner thinks I am fun to be with.	True	False
28. Our relationship has gotten boring.	True	False
29. We enjoy going out on dates alone.	True	False
30. My partner is ashamed of me.	True	False
31. We trust each other a great deal.	True	False
32. We have become nothing more than roommates.	True	False
33. I know my partner will never leave me.	True	False
34. I am no longer proud of my body.	True	False
35. My partner respects me.	True	False
36. My partner constantly compares me to others.	True	False
36. My partner constantly compares me to others.	True	False
37. My partner still finds me desirable.	True	False
38. We just seem to want different things.	True	False
39. I am allowed to think for myself.	True	False
40. I feel crowded by my partner.	True	False
41. I am honest with my partner.	True	False
42. People have no idea what our relationship is really like.	True	False
43. My partner is open to suggestions.	True	False
44. My partner has shut me out.	True	False
45. My partner is my primary source of emotional support.	True	False
46. I feel judged and rejected by my partner.	True	False
47. My partner cares if I am upset or sad.	True	False
48. My partner treats me like a child.	True	False
49. My partner puts our relationship ahead of all others.	True	False
50. I'll never satisfy my partner.	True	False
51. My partner wants to hear my stories.	True	False
52. I chose my partner for the wrong reasons.	True	False
53. I look forward to our time together.	True	False
54. My partner thinks I am boring in bed.	True	False
55. My partner is lucky to have me.	True	False
56. My partner treats me like an employee.	True	False
57. I win my share of disputes.	True	False
58. I envy my friends' relationships.	True	False
59. My partner would protect me if necessary.	True	False
60. I am suspicious of my partner.	True	False
61. I feel needed by my partner.	True	False
62. My partner is jealous of me.	True	False

Now go back over your test and count all of the even-numbered questions to which you answered True. Write down the total. Now go back and count all of the odd-numbered items to which you answered False. Add that number to your True total to get your overall score.

Even-numbered "True" responses:

Odd-numbered "False" responses:

OVERALL TOTAL:

This test is designed to give you a quick snapshot of the health of your relationship. If your overall score is above 32, it is likely that your relationship is in extreme danger of failing. If your total score is between 20 and 32, then your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living an emotional divorce. If your total score is between 12 and 19, then your relationship is probably about average (which is not great) and certainly needs work. If your score is below 11, then your relationship is well above the norm and may have isolated areas in which you can improve.

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THE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR PROFILE: YOUR PARTNER

Here are ten questions that will help organize and guide your thinking about why you feel the way you do about your partner. If some of your answers are the same to each question, that's okay. Use your journal, if you wish, to help you better understand your feelings.

• List five instances of your partner's loving behavior toward you during the last month.
• List five instances of unloving or hateful things your spouse has done to you during the last month.
• List and describe your partner's five best qualities.
• List and describe your partner's five worst qualities.
• List five things which you have asked or scolded or nagged your partner to correct or improve, but which your partner has not corrected or improved.
• List five things that made you fall in love with your partner
• List five things that today would make you fall out of love with your partner.
• Describe your partner's sexual relationship with you, paying particular attention to your partner's:

  Pattern of initiation

  Frequency

  Quality

  Problems

• Describe your partner's tendency or lack thereof to focus on you, paying particular attention to:

  Desire for being physically close

  Desire to talk with you one-on-one

  Desire to spend time alone with you

  Desire to protect you or comfort you during times of need

  Desire to please you

• Do you look forward to seeing your partner at the end of a day? If not, write in your journal the reasons why. Be as specific as possible. If your partner complains about the way the house looks, write it down. If it's a look on your partner's face, write that down. If it's because you feel you have to invent conversation to make things pleasant between the two of you, write that down too.

---

THE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR PROFILE: YOU

That was the easy part. Now here are ten similar questions that you absolutely must answer with total honesty and candor to help organize and guide your assessment about the way you think about yourself, and about the way you and your partner relate. These are questions that you might not think to ask yourself, so consider them carefully. Resolve right now that you are not going to lie to yourself. Propel yourself to deal with the truth about yourself, even if it hurts. Prepare your heart and mind to be open rather than defensive. It is cowardly to blame, and it is cowardly and self-destructive to be in denial. Use your journal, if you wish, to help you understand why you feel the way you do.

1. List five instances of loving behavior toward your partner during the last month.
2. List five instances of unloving or hateful things you have done to your partner during the last month.
3. List and describe your five best qualities.
4. List and describe your five worst qualities.
5. List five things which your partner has asked or scolded or nagged you to correct or improve, but which you have not corrected or improved.
6. List five things that made your partner fall in love with you.
7. List five things that today would make your partner fall out of love with you.
8. Describe your sexual relationship with your partner, paying particular attention to your own:
   • Pattern of initiation
   • Frequency
   • Quality
   • Problems
9. Describe your tendency or lack thereof to focus on your partner, paying particular attention to:
   • Desire for being physically close
   • Desire to talk with your partner one-on-one
   • Desire to spend time alone with your partner
   • Desire to protect or comfort your partner during times of need
   • Desire to please your partner
10. Does your partner look forward to seeing you at the end of a day? If no, write in your journal the reasons why. Be as specific as possible. If you tend to complain to your partner about the day you've had soon after you see your partner, write that down. If you tend to have a stressful look on your face when you see your partner, write that down. If it's because you feel a sense of dread upon the sight of your partner, write that down too.

I hope this test helps you understand that fixing a relationship means a lot more than fixing your partner. In fact, as I will insist over and over throughout this book, there is no need for you to approach this rescue mission from the perspective of straightening your partner out. Trust me, you've got a lot of work to do yourself. This is not about winning out over your partner; this is about winning for the relationship.

You will also hear me frequently say throughout this book that you must approach your relationship with a willingness to own your part of the problem. Whatever your partner repeatedly does in your relationship, he or she does it at least in part because of how you respond. You teach your partner how to treat you--or how to continue treating you--by the way you respond. You either elicit, maintain, or allow the behavior by your own responses. If, for example, your partner takes certain excesses in the relationship or is consistently rude and insensitive, I promise you he or she has learned that such behavior is acceptable because of the way you have responded. You may in fact have actually rewarded your partner for such behavior by giving in, abandoning your position, or by getting so upset that you no longer can express adequately what you feel and believe.

Acknowledging your own problems can be most refreshing when you realize that at last you are getting real about what is going on. I am betting you will find that that willingness to take a non-defensive look at yourself can and will be inspiring to your partner.

Table of Contents

	Acknowledgments	ix
	Prologue: Get Real: Reconnecting with Your Core	1
1	It's Your Time; It's Your Turn	5
2	Defining the Problem	23
3	Blowing Up the Myths	46
4	Eliminating Your Bad Spirit	76
5	Reclaiming Your Core: The Personal Relationship Values	112
6	The Formula for Success	146
7	Reconnecting with Your Partner	192
8	Fourteen Days of Loving with Honesty	213
9	Red Alert: Relationships Are Managed, Not Cured	248
10	The Doctor Is "In"	266
	Conclusion: A Personal Letter from Me to You	295
	Appendix	301

Editorial Reviews

The Barnes & Noble Review
Are you in a troubled relationship? Worried about the stability of your marriage or your future with your life partner? Have you considered counseling but forgone it for a lack of either time or money? Now you can get help for your floundering relationship and the next-best thing to your own personal counselor with Phillip McGraw’s self-help book Relationship Rescue.

At a time when the stability in relationships is at an all-time low and divorce rates still hang above the 50 percent mark, McGraw’s book is a welcome addition to the self-help market. Its intensive, hands-on approach makes it a standout from all the rest and may offer the best solution for many who are hoping to build (or resurrect) a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

McGraw’s basic premise isn’t a revolutionary one. Like many before him, he preaches that the quality of a relationship depends on two things: the existence and strength of an underlying friendship and the degree to which the needs of both partners are met. It’s how McGraw goes about guiding the reader through the rescue process that makes this book stand apart from its competition -- a process that is not for sissies or for anyone who is less than fully committed to making his or her relationship work. The program McGraw advocates in Relationship Rescue isn’t geared toward figuring out why a relationship is broken but rather toward fixing it. And McGraw makes it clear up front that a serious commitment is required, for the process is neither easy nor comfortable.

An intriguing aspect of McGraw’s method is that it doesn’t require active involvement from the other partner in the relationship, though admittedly the whole process is more likely to succeed if both parties work together. Instead, McGraw puts the onus squarely on the reader’s shoulders, advocating a program of self-healing that will identify destructive behaviors, overcome damaging beliefs, and promote realistic goal setting for the relationship. The process involves an intensive program of self-analysis, brutal honesty, and accountability. McGraw directs readers to accept responsibility for their own happiness, to identify those obstacles that may be preventing it, and to take an aggressive and active approach toward achieving it. According to McGraw, fixing yourself will trigger changes in your partner’s behaviors and attitudes, changes that will ultimately salvage the relationship.

If this sounds like a monumental task, it is, but Relationship Rescue walks readers through the process one step at a time, providing the type of information, guidance, and “sessions” one might experience in a therapist’s office. The book contains guidelines to stimulate thought, questionnaires to help readers identify and deal with any emotional baggage they might be carrying, a provocative look at the types of behaviors that reflect one’s “dark side,” and even a scripted dialogue for when it’s time to approach the other partner. It’s an ongoing and lengthy process, replete with lots of homework.

McGraw’s tone is a refreshing one that brooks no nonsense and gets straight to the heart of the matter. He takes a firm stand on a number of issues, often coming down on the opposite side of the fence from many other current relationship counselors. He embraces the differences between men and women and defends certain types of disagreements as necessary evils. He emphasizes the importance of intimacy and vulnerability and dispels some commonly held myths about romance, love, and the nature of relationships. And his ideas on the necessity of conflict resolution may turn some modern-day counselors apoplectic.

This isn’t a warm and fuzzy book; in fact, readers who actually go through all of McGraw’s activities will find many of them downright uncomfortable. There are no platitudes or cutesy sayings here to provide short-term cover-ups; rather, the book reads like an intensive-care manual for saving a floundering relationship or resurrecting a dying one. Following McGraw’s plan may or may not succeed in rescuing a relationship, and, in fact, McGraw lists some scenarios where he doesn’t recommend making the attempt. But even if his plan fails to save an existing relationship, it is bound to leave the reader more self-aware -- much of McGraw’s focus is on breaking old habits so that the same mistakes aren’t repeated in future relationships. The resultant improvement in both emotional and mental health (which often equates to better physical health as well, due to lessened stress) can only have a positive effect on other, nonromantic relationships as well as any future romantic ones. (Beth Amos)

bn.com

McGraw does a wonderful job of examining practical steps that can help to rescue floundering intimate relationships. From the beginning, he acknowledges that only one partner may be inspired to take the action he recommends. He says the core causes of relationship collapse include believing in relationship myths; failing to take personal responsibility for the relationship; and ignoring one's own "core consciousness" (i.e., that which is integral to one's own belief systems). He then helps the listener learn how these blocks can be identified and overcome. McGraw's acknowledged belief in a "Higher Power" might also bring comfort to users who desire a religious basis for healing. The advice itself, however, is mainstream, obviously based on McGraw's broad experience as a counselor, and will almost certainly inspire someone looking for help for a relationship in crisis. Librarians acquiring this program must be aware of limitations that may make it a secondary purchase. First, this tape is meant to be used over an extended period of time. Second, a "relationship test booklet" is included in the package--a small pamphlet that will soon be lost in most libraries. Finally, the author indicates that use of this book alone is enough to save a failing relationship. Most patrons, after reviewing the audiobook, will decide if they want to have their own copy or not. In the meantime, it may offer hope to anyone struggling to make a relationship work.--Kathleen Sullivan, Phoenix P.L. Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.\

Library Journal

February 2000

Are you in a troubled relationship? Worried about the stability of your marriage or your future with your life partner? Have you considered counseling but forgone it for a lack of either time or money? Now you can get help for your floundering relationship and the next-best thing to your own personal counselor with Phillip McGraw's newest self-help book, Relationship Rescue.

At a time when the stability of relationships is at an all-time low and divorce rates still hang above the 50 percent mark, McGraw's book is a welcome addition to the self-help market. Its intensive, hands-on approach sets it apart from all the rest and may offer the best solution for many who are hoping to build (or resurrect) a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

McGraw's basic premise isn't revolutionary. Like many before him, he preaches that the quality of a relationship depends upon two things: the existence and strength of an underlying friendship and the degree to which the needs of both partners are met. The different between McGraw's approach and that of others in the field is the way he goes about guiding the reader through this process. The program McGraw advocates in Relationship Rescue isn't geared toward figuring out why a relationship is broken but rather toward fixing it. His book is not for the fainthearted: McGraw makes it clear up front that a serious commitment is required, for the process is neither easy nor comfortable.

An intriguing aspect of McGraw's method is that it doesn't require active involvement from the other partner in the relationship, though admittedly the whole process is more likely to succeed if both parties work together. Instead, McGraw puts the onus squarely on the reader's shoulders, advocating a program of self-healing that will identify destructive behaviors, overcome damaging beliefs, and promote realistic goal-setting for the relationship. The process involves an intensive program of self-analysis, brutal honesty, and accountability. McGraw directs readers to accept responsibility for their own happiness, to identify those obstacles that may be preventing it, and to take an aggressive and active approach toward achieving it. According to McGraw, fixing yourself will trigger changes in your partner's behaviors and attitudes, changes that will ultimately salvage the relationship.

If this sounds like a monumental task, it is. However, Relationship Rescue walks readers through the process one step at a time, providing the type of information, guidance, and "sessions" one might experience in a therapist's office. The book contains guidelines to stimulate thought, questionnaires to help the reader identify and deal with any emotional baggage they might be carrying, a provocative look at the types of behaviors that reflect one's "dark side," and even a scripted dialogue for when it's time to approach the partner. It's an ongoing and lengthy process, replete with lots of homework.

McGraw's tone is a refreshing one that brooks no nonsense and gets straight to the heart of the matter. He takes a firm stand on a number of issues, often coming down on the opposite side of the fence from many current relationship counselors. He embraces the differences between men and women and defends certain types of disagreement as necessary evils. He emphasizes the importance of intimacy and vulnerability and dispels some commonly held myths about romance, love, and the nature of relationships. And his ideas on the necessity of conflict resolution may turn some modern-day counselors apoplectic.

This isn't a warm and fuzzy book; in fact, readers who actually go through all of McGraw's activities will find many of them downright uncomfortable. There are no platitudes or cutesy sayings here to provide short-term cover-ups; rather the book reads like an intensive-care manual for saving a floundering relationship or resurrecting a dying one. Following McGraw's plan may not succeed in all cases; in fact, he lists some scenarios that don't, in his opinion, warrant the attempt. But even if his plan fails to save an existing relationship, it is bound to leave the reader more self-aware. Much of McGraw's focus is on breaking old habits so that the same mistakes aren't repeated in future relationships. The resultant improvement in both emotional and mental health (which often equates to better physical health as well, due to lessened stress) can only have a positive effect on other, nonromantic relationships as well as any future romantic ones.

--Beth Amos

Beth Amos

Plain and simple, this is the best audio on fixing romantic relationships that’s ever been made. It’s not perfect (Dr. Phil’s cowboy omnipotence is not everyone’s taste), but it covers every aspect of rediscovering and nurturing a long term connection. He urges listeners to first become integrated by finding their "core consciousness" and then to make a decision, if possible, to do whatever their partner needs to make the relationship work. The advice is well organized and supported by fabulous exercises, and it’s mainly for couples who want to succeed with each other. Intuitive and sensible by anyone’s standards, the program gives specific advice on how to get away from unhealthy ways of connecting and find satisfaction in unconditional commitment and giving. T.W. © AudioFile 2001, Portland, Maine

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