Reconcilable Differences: Rebuild Your Relationship by Rediscovering the Partner You Love--without Losing Yourself

by Andrew Christensen PhD, Brian D. Doss PhD, Neil S. Jacobson PhD

Overview

Every couple has disagreements, but what happens when recurring conflicts start to pull your relationship apart? Do you lie awake hoping that your spouse will eventually see things your way, or rehashing the evidence that you're right? Demand some immediate changes—or else? This popular, science-based guide offers powerful solutions for couples frustrated by continual attempts to make each other change. True acceptance may seem difficult to accomplish, but the clear-cut steps and thought-provoking exercises in this book can make it a reality. You'll learn why you keep having the same fights again and again; how to keep small incompatibilities from causing big problems; what communication strategies really work to resolve conflicts; and how to problem-solve and make positive changes—together. Updated throughout with new research, practical tools, and examples, the second edition features a new chapter on mindfulness.

Mental health professionals: visit http://ibct.psych.ucla.edu to learn about using this self-help guide as an adjunct to therapy. 
 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781462502431
Publisher:	Guilford Publications, Inc.
Publication date:	01/21/2014
Edition description:	Second Edition
Pages:	348
Sales rank:	207,603
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Andrew Christensen, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles. Dr. Christensen has spent more than 30 years studying intimate relationships and working with couples in therapy. He has conducted extensive research on the impact of couple therapy, including the approach on which this book is based, which he developed with the late Neil S. Jacobson. Dr. Christensen and his wife, who live in Los Angeles, have two grown children.

Brian D. Doss, PhD, is Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Miami, where he teaches and conducts research on couple therapy and romantic relationships. Dr. Doss lives in Miami with his wife and two children.

Neil S. Jacobson, PhD, was Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington until his death in 1999. The author or editor of numerous publications, Dr. Jacobson was one of the world's most widely cited family therapists.

Table of Contents

I. The Conflicting Sides of Conflict
1. Three Sides to Every Story
2. "You're Wrong!": Relationship Problems as Faults
II. A DEEP Understanding of Conflict: The Third Side of the Story
3. "How Can You Be That Way?": Relationship Problems as Differences
4. "You Know How to Hurt Me": Relationship Problems as Emotional Sensitivities
5. "Can't You See I'm Stressed Out?": Relationship Problems as External Circumstances
6. A Cure Worse Than the Disease: Relationship Problems as Patterns of Communication
III. From Argument to Acceptance
7. The Delicate Balance: Acceptance and Change
8. A Story of Our Own: Acceptance through Understanding
9. Walking in Your Partner's Shoes: Acceptance through Compassion
10. Getting Some Perspective on the Conflict: Acceptance through Tolerant Distance
IV. Deliberate Change through Acceptance
11. The Dilemmas of Deliberate Change
12. Deliberate Change through Mindfulness: Custom-Fitting Change to Suit Your Relationship
13. Deliberate Change through Communication: Taking Good Advice about Talking and Listening with a Mindful Grain of Salt
14. The Silver Bullet of Deliberate Change: Taking Charge of Change Even When Things Go Bad
V. When Acceptance Is Not Enough
15. "Don't Do That to Me!": Violence, Verbal Abuse, and Infidelity
16. Calling In the Professionals: Couple and Individual Therapy
Resources
Bibliography

Interviews

Interested general readers. Also of interest to mental health professionals, counselors, clergy, and students. May serve as required reading in undergraduate- or graduate-level courses.

Editorial Reviews

"An excellent book with much to offer about a well researched and well thought out application for couple therapy." (on the first edition)

Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy

"Gives several guides to building acceptance."(on the first edition)

USA Today

"This deceptively simple book can change lives. You and your partner will learn numerous ways to accept each other and achieve a new level of happiness and comfort in your relationship. The genius of the book is that these techniques are not difficult, and they can help put an end to perpetual conflict."—Pepper Schwartz, PhD, coauthor of The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal about Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship

"No matter how many books you have read to improve your relationship, read this one, and follow the research-based principles it presents! The authors are internationally known scientists who have produced a book that all couples need to read. It's not the differences between you and your partner that matter, but how you handle them, and this book shows exactly how and why."—Howard J. Markman, PhD, coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage

"There are lots of books for couples that make interesting reading, and some that provide specific, doable suggestions for improving your relationship, but just a handful—including this one—based on principles that have been scientifically shown to work. Any couple that wants to better understand and overcome problems in their relationship will find this book a great place to start."—W. Kim Halford, PhD, School of Psychology, University of Queensland, Australia

From the Publisher

"One virtue of the book is its utter realism....Offers a slew of tools that couples can use to reconcile their differences without the help of a therapist." (on the first edition)

The New York Times

"Packed with data, wisdom, and common sense." (on the first edition)

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

"One virtue of the book is its utter realism....Offers a slew of tools that couples can use to reconcile their differences without the help of a therapist." (on the first edition)

The New York Times

"Gives several guides to building acceptance."(on the first edition)

USA Today

"It is often so difficult for quarreling couples to find a way through the thicket of blame, accusation, and resentment that ensnares them, but this splendid book illuminates some pathways out. The first edition was terrific, but this revision goes beyond it, bringing in new research, fresh ideas, and, as usual, practical solutions. All couples who find themselves enduring repeated conflicts--which is to say, nearly all couples--will benefit from this fine book."--Carol Tavris, PhD, coauthor of Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)

"When partners fight, they often push each other to change. But seeing conflicts from the other's perspective helps move the couple away from anger and blame. This invaluable book provides concrete strategies to do just that. With a deeper understanding of your partner's emotional vulnerabilities, you can build trust and intimacy, and maybe even bring about the changes that matter most to you."--Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD, author of After the Affair