Read an Excerpt
Raising the Future
Practical Parenting for Practicing Parents
By R. Felice Gedeon-Gaude
iUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 R. Felice Gedeon-Gaude
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-4586-9
Chapter One
WHO IS YOUR CHILD?
Well, that question looks easy, doesn't it? Your child is (name your child!).
Yes, but who IS your child?
How is he/she in the world?
What are his favorite places, his favorite things to do, favorite color, or fantasy, or best attribute?
What are his strengths and weaknesses? Don't forget those weaknesses.
What is his birth order, and how does that affect his behavior?
Are your personalities a good fit?
So, who is your child?
Now that you have a clearer idea of what I mean by the question, lets work at answering it.
SEEING YOUR CHILD
My child is_____________ years old. Ok, that's a start. Is your child a young or an old _______? See, always another question. I want you to look at him developmentally, that is from the perspective of what children are normally doing at this age. Check the appendix which gives some of the 'expected behaviors of each age/stage of development through age seven. How does your child fit here? Remember - normal is a broad continuum, while average is right in the middle. By this I mean that normal skills and behaviors for an age group or developmental stage cover a broad range, while the average behavior is a specific that falls in the middle of that age bracket. For example, the average age that toddlers learn to walk is 12 months. But it is normal for babies to walk anywhere from 9 months to 15 or 16 or 17 months. That is the continuum.
Now, think back to earlier times as you watched your child develop. What is his style of interaction with the world? Does your child rush headlong into the next part of the journey? Or, does he hold on with both hands until he absolutely must let go, then bounce to the next stage? As you observe him and see how he moves toward the new experiences of life you will begin to see ways to prepare and support him as he transitions.
As you look at the developmental style see if you can name some of his strengths, such as adaptability, ease of language acquisition, motor development, adjustment to new situations. Children whose temperament causes them to be less adaptable are no less intelligent, but they are often more sensitive to stimuli such as noise, smells, and light. This causes them to move into new situations with increased caution. Watch how your child accomplishes these transitions.
Here is a thought question - jot an answer for yourself. How does your child react to new people? To new foods? To new situations? The way a child reacts to new experiences says much about his personality, and gives us guidelines by which to help him to be comfortable in his world. If new experiences are difficult for him it is your job as parent to make the transitions as easy as possible. You can do this by creating as much consistency as possible within each new circumstance. If you are introducing new foods, also have already accepted foods to offer. If a new person is coming into his life, be sure you are there so he feels comfortable meeting this new person. Consistency is the key to comfort for our little ones.
BIRTH ORDER
Birth order does affect how our children adapt. Look at his birth order and his personality. Look at his birth order and his sense of humor! This information will help you to help him to be more comfortably himself. You may want to check into The Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman for some insights regarding his place in the family.
Review all of what you have observed about your child, and decide if you and he are a good fit. Scary? Absolutely, because what if you aren't? Cant give him back! But if you find that your personality and temperament and your child's personality and temperament aren't a good fit, you have some decisions and choices to make about how you can learn to support him. It is not the child's job to adapt to us when we aren't a good fit. It is our job to learn the child, to learn how we can support his process, to listen to what he needs from us in order to be emotionally healthy. Well talk more deeply about this as we learn more.
Summary of Chapter 1.
You have begun to look at your child as the unique individual he or she is. Take a moment here to write what you have learned. There is a journaling section at the back of the book for you to do this. If you have more than one child that you are working to know use the journaling pages to document that information, too. For example,
Childs name_______________, age__________, Developmental process__________ (Is he early, middle, or taking his time developmentally?)
Is he or she a young or old (age)_________________(An example, if your child is 2 years, does he speak in full sentences, making him appear older, or is he just beginning to put two words together?)
Strengths, such as adaptability, ease with strangers? _________________________
Temperament ____________________________ (easy going, intense, quiet, noisy, watchful)
Birth order_________
Personality style (outgoing, shy, intense, relaxed, energetic, slow moving, combinations of the above________________ ___________
Now, who is your child? Tell what you have learned about this child so far.
And so it begins.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Our children ask: Am I good enough the way I am? Can you love me just as I am?
Our children tell us: We dont need things, we need you. We need your time, your attention, your love.
DESCRIBING MY CHILD: Describe for yourself the child you see before you.
Chapter Two
EXPECTATIONS AND REALITY
Some friends of mine had just had their fourth child, their 4th daughter. The dad had been sure this was going to be his son, and had been looking forward to bonding with this little bundle of boy. And then he was presented with another little girl—beautiful and perfect— and female.
He sat holding her, looking into her wide open eyes as she stared back at him, as if challenging him, "Can you love me for me?" He sat for several minutes, just looking at this beautiful, perfect child, then he sighed, relaxed, and cuddled her close, saying, "Well, I guess she's a keeper.
DANGERS IN EXPECTATIONS
What we expect isn't always what we get, or what we need. Or what we REALLY want!
My friends experience of his first meeting with his new daughter illustrates a common experience. We want, hope for, or expect our child to be what we think he should be, or who we need him to be. Yet, this child is himself, not here for us, or for our well being. Many parents have a preconceived idea of what their child will be, must be, should be. These parents usually relate to the child as an extension of themselves; so, any imperfection the child demonstrates reflects on them, means they, the parents, aren't good enough or perfect enough. This is a learned behavior and misunderstanding, learned from, you guessed it, their parents! This is part of the legacy of relationship handed down in many families along with curly hair and eye color. While it isn't genetic it is just as strongly imprinted unless the parent begins to be aware, as you are becoming aware.
PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS
What did your parents expect of you? How did they expect you to act? Did you like their expectations? Is that what you expect of your child?
First, our children are not us, and their life experience is not ours. It is a totally different world for the child being born now than that in which we grew up, whether we are 50 or 35 or 20. The world is changing so rapidly that our children's experience of their world has little to do with our experience of ours. Yet, many parents expect their children to behave just as their parents expected them to, 20 or 30 years ago. And this can be dangerous for the child of today.
An example of this was demonstrated for me as I was working with a child recently. This 10 year old girl had been grounded for a week for being disrespectful to an adult, a neighbor, her mother reported. Not knowing what led up to her disrespect I responded that some adults deserved disrespect for their behavior. The mother angrily replied that children should respect all adults. Oh really! That set this child up nicely for a molester or abuser, because she was being trained to discount her own feelings and ALWAYS respect and obey an adult. This may have been appropriate when the mother was a child 20 or so years ago. It is dangerous for the child now. But this is the mothers experience and therefore her expectation, handed down from her parents.
Expectations from our parents program us to want our children to be a certain way, whether that is in their best interest or not. And our need to have them be this certain way communicates to the child that he isn't ok just being who he is.
Some will read this and assume that I am condoning rude, selfish and tantrum like behavior. No. Children are not inherently rude. Self-centered, yes, but not rude. Self-centeredness is a coping and survival skill, and it is born there. They learn rude, selfish behavior from seeing it or experiencing it, or from finding that behaving this way gets the result they want. It becomes a coping tool, too. Parents who respond to rude behavior with a clear statement that this isn't how we act in our house or family, provided they do not behave that way themselves, demonstrate respect for the child, and will find that he will return the respect. We parents must understand that our children really want to please us. Our good opinion means a great deal to them. They will continue to try to please us until they become discouraged, when they will stop, finally feeling that they never get it right.
TEACHING VERSUS EXPECTING
One young mom I was working with first told me what a wonderful boy her 7 year old was, how he loved to help, and was so kind. Five minutes later she was telling me how lazy he was, how he wouldn't clean his room right, but just tried to finish by pushing things into the closet or under the bed.
When I pointed out the difference in the two descriptions of this boy the mom saw them, but couldn't explain why there was such a discrepancy. I asked if she had ever shown him how she wanted the cleaning done, if shed actually done it with him. No, she said. She simply expected that he'd know what she wanted.
HOW?
Our children aren't mind readers, and they do want to please us. But if we consistently tell them to do something without showing them how, then yell at them for getting it wrong, most will give up with a sense of defeat and failure. They will believe something is wrong with them that they couldn't figure this out. They haven't lived up to our expectation. Some will become angry and continue to try to get it right. Some will simply stop trying and tune us out altogether. Whatever way the child finally responds, the relationship is damaged, and we have lost the child's respect.
WE ARE OUR PARENTS CHILD
Any book that discusses being a parent needs to look at where we learned how to parent. As I said earlier, we learn the way to parent from our parents, from how they parented us. You are still your parents child, no matter what age you are or whether your parents are still living, or if you speak to them or not. That relationship still lives within you. And because it does it still influences you. Some part of you, the child self who is always with us, hopes that this baby, your child, will please your parent. Remember, this is very subtle and doesn't depend on whether your parents are alive or in your life. This child is an extension of yourself. If your child is not perfect either in form or behavior the fear is there that your parent wont/ wouldn't find your child acceptable. And you will have failed at some level. And as the baby grows to toddler and young child his behavior, you believe, reflects on your job as parent. All of this is old business, and ways of interacting with your parents will come up again. It is important when we as parents notice this that we stop and assess what is going on. Then we can choose our behavior. How? By being a conscious and aware parent, which you are learning to be here!
EXERCISE
Think of something you asked your child to do or recently expected of him if he is a baby. (Infants are subject to the same types of expectations. Is he eating solids yet, rolling over yet, standing or sitting, crawling or walking? My child is doing these things! Why isn't yours?)
1. Did you show the child what you wanted done or how you wished it done?
2. Was it something you could actually expect a child of that age to do? (I have a friend who recounts standing and yelling at her very confused two year old to put her toys away after the four year old neighbor had visited, pulling everything out, and then leaving. The two year old stood with her thumb in her mouth looking sad and confused. And mom yelled. Mom has said that she is so saddened by this memory of her stupidity that she almost weeps each time she remembers. But she shares the story with new moms to make a point.)
3. Do you know the appropriate developmental expectations for your child? Write them here before checking the Child Development section, which goes to seven years, then compare them to see how realistic your expectations are. Remember, normal is a broad continuum of development, while average is right in the middle. And both are ok.
Write your expectations of your child here. Then check the appendix.
So, how close did you come? Are your expectations realistic? Do you need to change some perspectives? Well work on that.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Our Children Ask us: Am I what you expected?
Our Children tell us: I really want to please you.
Chapter Three
DISCIPLINE
"Stop that crying or Ill give you something to cry about! "I'm gonna get the belt if you don't knock it off!
'If you don't stop that I'm going to pull down your pants right here in front of this lady and spank you! All of these are of course said loudly and with force.
Ever heard any of these before? Ever said any of them? The last is my favorite for most damaging statement of the month. I actually witnessed this in a store, addressed to a five year old who was being - a five year old! And all of these are said in the name of DISCIPLINE.
"Spare the rod and spoil the child" the old adage says, and it has been the battle cry of parents for centuries. In many countries harsh physical punishment is the norm for any perceived transgression, from bed-wetting, something out of control of most children, to answering in the wrong tone. Now, think back to your own experience of 'discipline. Was it physical? If so, what did you learn?
My guess is you learned to fear.
And what did it achieve for the parent?
Control.
Again, there are those who will say I am saying no spanking is the goal. In fact, I believe there is a place for spanking with ones hand, on a well padded bottom or the top of the hand, and without anger if possible. This is an attention getter to be used when your two year old consistently runs into the street or tries to touch the hot stove after you have explained 'hot and 'dangerous. It is appropriate to get the childs attention and to have them fear pain at that time so they dont get hit by a car or badly burned. But, as soon as their attention is focused we must work at teaching the real reason behind the spanking, which is our wish for their safety. This becomes a teachable moment.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Raising the Future by R. Felice Gedeon-Gaude Copyright © 2011 by R. Felice Gedeon-Gaude. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
