Read an Excerpt
Raising Cooperative Kids
Proven Practices for a Connected, Happy Family
By Marion S. Forgatch, Gerald R. Patterson, Tim Friend Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
Copyright © 2017 Marion S. Forgatch, PhD, Gerald R. Patterson, PhD, and Tim Friend
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-63341-037-4
CHAPTER 1
Imagine
As parents, we shape our children's behavior from the day they are born. Their behaviors — desirable and undesirable alike — become established as we reinforce them through our own actions, reactions, and inactions. In this chapter, we'll discuss how you can encourage cooperation in your children and help you to become aware of behaviors that may innocently send the wrong messages.
As Jerry studied families in their homes, he developed what has become known as "coercion theory." Coercion starts out as a vital, natural survival instinct that can be found in infants as well as baby birds. Before children develop language, they communicate their needs to be fed, held, or have their diapers changed by crying. Unattended infants can fly into little fits of apparent rage. It's their only way of telling you that they need something, and they need it now. As they begin to develop language, we have to teach children to ask for what they need. If we don't, that coercive behavior can allow toddlers to control their parents. To see unadulterated coercion in action, watch a three-year-old throw a temper tantrum in a grocery store. See how the parent and child react to each other. Observe the escalation in the intensity of emotions during the exchange. This is a battle of wills between a little kid and a grown-up. Watch how it ends, who wins, and why.
Coercion lies at the root of most of the battles we see between siblings and between parents and children. You can think of coercion as a dark side of human nature inside all of us. Understanding what coercion is and how it interferes with loving relationships can enable you to recognize it when it arises and do something about it. Because coercion is the cause of so much of the trouble between parents and young children, reducing it is a core component of our parenting techniques. When parents learn to reduce coercive actions in their children — and in themselves — cooperative behaviors have a better chance to grow and thrive. When we first become parents, many of us start out with vague dreams for ourselves, our individual children, and our families as a whole. You have probably had some kind of vision of the family you wanted ever since you were a child — though it is rare for anyone to sit down with us when we are young (and most receptive) and explain how to raise a happy family, let alone model how it is done. Your vision, however amorphous it may be, was likely influenced by the strengths and values that determined how you were raised — for better or worse.
Sit back and imagine the family you want. What you imagine is probably different from your partner's ideal family. If one of you had a great childhood, you will surely follow in the footsteps of those amazing parents. If your childhood was rocky, you may be thinking of different ways to raise your children. Unfortunately, many of us are so busy that we don't spend much time planning our parenting strategies. We live in a different world from the one in which we grew up. Raising children is more expensive than ever, employers demand more work, our relationships become loaded with stress, and we sacrifice our dreams to focus on the problems at hand. Now is the time to rekindle your dreams and get ready to create the changes you want for your family. Changing bad habits and teaching new skills require that you think carefully about your goals. We urge you to think big and reach high to create the family you have always wanted.
Dreams can lie dormant and may even die unless you awaken them and imagine ways to make them come true. Once you conceive your dreams, how do you give birth to them? It's easy to say: "I want my children to get along with others or do well in school." It is quite another thing to say: "Here's how I will make it happen." You start by setting goals. Begin with something feasible, and then break down the goal into steps using the Goldilocks rule — not too big, not too small, but just right. When you accomplish one goal, set a new one.
For instance, imagine teaching your children to get ready for bed on their own. Our approach is to first show them each tiny step; then we patiently teach them to put the steps together — take a bath, dress for bed, and brush their teeth. Gradually, your children learn to do it all themselves, and you can move on to another set of skills. Setting goals and planning the steps required to reach them is a kind of telescoping process — you look ahead to the future, you zoom back to the present, and you figure out how to get from here to that distant place. With practice, your skill at making long- and short-term goal statements will grow, and you will become a master of making dreams come true.
Setting Goals
The first tool for turning your family dreams into actions is a goal statement, one of the most basic instruments in your family-management toolkit. Goals are less abstract and more realistic than dreams. They enable you to design action plans to accomplish your family objectives.
Goal statements that work have certain universal qualities: they are realistic, yet they reach beyond wherever you are at the moment; they are future-oriented; they state what you want (not what you don't want); and they are framed positively. After working with parents and studying families for years, we can say with confidence that achieving a goal is easier if you first identify what you want. Once you define a goal, you open new pathways for you and your children to follow. Your journey will be most satisfying when you base your course on your family's individual values and resources. You are in charge of your family — no one else. Your dreams are whatever you want them to be. Here are the basic elements of a goal statement that will set you on the path to achieving your dreams.
Strategies for Successful Goal Statements
* Be specific.
* Frame your goal positively.
* State what you want.
* Be future-oriented.
* Choose a goal that can be broken into small steps.
* State the goal so a stranger can understand it.
Think of two families who are about to travel across the country from coast to coast. Both families live in the same town on the East Coast and are traveling to the same area on the West Coast. Since each journey begins and ends at the same place, you could say that they have the same goal — to travel from point A to point B. But for each family, the goals of the trip depend on a number of factors — available time and resources, personal interests, and family strengths. Considering these factors, each family checks various routes and makes a plan.
The Hancock family has two weeks to make a round trip across country to attend a family reunion celebrating the grandparents' fiftieth anniversary. As much as they wish to fly to save time — like some of their in-laws — they can't afford airline tickets for the two adults, three children, and beagle that make up their family. However, they have a perfectly fine minivan that can deliver them safely to their destination and back. If they stick to the interstates and mom and dad take turns driving on the way out, they can take it easy coming home and do a little sight-seeing.
The Rodriguez family has a full month to spend with an RV fitted for camping. Their final destination is the husband's parents' house on the West Coast. The purpose of their trip is vacation. Time is not a factor. Their goal is to see the country and visit points of interest to them along the way, like the world's largest ball of string and Yellowstone's geysers.
These two families design entirely different trips, even though their start and end points are the same. The Hancocks' route is straightforward, emphasizing speed and efficiency. The Rodriguez family plots a winding course following blue-line roads that avoid busy interstates and take them to beautiful lakes, national parks, and points of historical interest. As you can see, goals incorporate something more than simple outcomes. Individual family values and practical conditions are critical factors that capture the components of dreams. As each family designs its travel plan, they begin by defining a destination.
Long-Term and Short-Term Goals
Long-term goals can feel like impossible dreams, especially if you have to travel far to reach them. Yet, goals serve as magnets that draw you forward. Since every journey begins with a single step, make the first steps in your goal statement easy to achieve, and then enjoy a bit of success. One of your goals is probably to raise happy, well-adjusted, and cooperative children — after all, you're reading this book. But that may seem like a tall order.
When formulating your goal statements, begin by making two lists — one for your long-term dreams for your children and one for more immediate goals, things that can happen today or this week. For the long-term goals, think big. Be ambitious. Most parents say they want their children to be happy, healthy, resilient, self-disciplined, skillful, independent, and cooperative. This list describes general qualities that reflect your values, which are like points on a compass that draw you in certain directions. Next make a list of the small steps needed to achieve your long-term goals. As parents, we can influence long-term outcomes for our families, but to do that, we have to take little actions day by day. Life is a process of ongoing change that you control when you convert goals into tiny steps.
Parents' lists of short-term goals tend to include daily behaviors like doing chores independently, following rules, being respectful, and-cooperating with directions. These short-term lists involve behaviors that form habits. When habits are appropriate, they lead to well-being. Moreover, your children's well-being depends a lot on your own habits. We all have good habits and bad habits. Once we have families, we need to think about how our habits influence our children's behavior.
Now, make another list that focuses on your strengths as a person and as a parent. Then make one of your children's strengths, taking into account their unique qualities. Many parents find making a list of their own strengths challenging. If you have trouble with this, think about times when you felt good about something you accomplished, or something your children did that made you feel proud, and take ownership of your contribution.
When the challenges of raising a family seem overwhelming — and maybe not even worth the extraordinary effort — pull out your list of personal strengths and review it. Some of the strengths parents have identified for themselves include patience, warmth, honesty, perseverence, commitment, and fairness. When you are disappointed in the mistakes and choices your children make, take a look at the list you made of their strengths. Parents have identified some of these qualities as honesty, kindness, devotion, humor, adventurousness, and persistence. Once you make your lists, keep them in a safe place and add to them whenever you feel good or something special happens.
When we think about change, we often focus on what is wrong — what needs fixing. This is easier than noticing what you and children do right. Some of the most common complaints we hear from parents about their children's behavior include stubbornness, unwillingness to accept "no" for an answer, whining, arguing, temper tantrums, noncompliance, bedtime problems, bad attitude, procrastination, disrespect, carelessness, thoughtlessness, self-centeredness, and fear of trying new things. Review the elements of a successful goal statement as you turn these problem behaviors into active goal statements. Remember that a goal statement says what you want so clearly that a stranger will understand what you mean: it is future-oriented and positively framed, and it can be broken down into small steps. Goal statements have the same basic ingredients whether you want to raise cooperative children, read a novel by Isabel Allende in Spanish, lose weight, or catch a trout.
Let's apply these ingredients to several common behavioral problems.
Notice how often the positive opposite for a problem behavior is compliance or cooperation. For most parents, complaints boil down to the fact that their kids just don't follow directions — at least not without an argument. Some parents say their children use a disrespectful tone of voice when talking to them, or roll their eyes, or ... you name it. These are not cooperative behaviors.
The building blocks for attaining goals like resilience, independence, self-discipline, and happiness all tend to be based on cooperation. Cooperation involves working together with a spirit of collaboration orteamwork. Cooperative people are pleasant to be around. They are helpful and kind. Parents everywhere say they want their children to follow directions pleasantly, play by the rules, and get along with others, especially family members. When family members cooperate with each other, they enjoy each other's company. The question is how do you bring this about?
Modeling and Shaping Behavior
Let's take an item on one parent's wish list. A mother wants her three-year-old to stop grabbing for things and instead politely ask to share. She starts by showing her how to do it using several small steps.
Mom (cuddling a teddy bear): Let's pretend we're playing and you want me to share Teddy with you. Remember how to ask to share, sweetheart?
Jill: Gimme Teddy?
Mom: That's right. You ask. And do you remember the magic word?
Jill: Please gimme Teddy?
Mom (giving her the teddy): Much better. Now I'm going to ask you to share. Jill, may I have Teddy back now please?
Jill: But I just got her.
Mom (smiling reassuringly): We're just practicing, honey. May I have Teddy now, please? (pleasantly waiting) Jill: Okay. Can I have her back?
Mom: Sure. Remember how to ask?
Jill: Can I have Teddy back ... please?
Mom (clapping): You've got it!
* * *
This is an example of modeling and shaping sharing behavior, almost as you would shape a block of clay. Mom started with the raw material and, through a series of small steps, she showed Jill how to behave. She did not require perfection. Although Jill's "Please gimme Teddy" wasn't the height of politeness, it was better than her first demand. Rather than correcting her, Mom praised her for adding the "please" and then modeled a slightly improved version. When Jill complained, Mom simply reminded her they were practicing and restated her request to share. Practice and patience allow you to teach your children the many things they have to learn on the road to growing up. Very few three-year-olds will suddenly begin sharing without guidance, thanks to the more hard-wired coercive nature we discussed earlier.
Take a look at your list of short-term goals and pick one that you would like to start working on in the coming weeks. Be hopeful, yet realistic. For openers, start with a goal that will build on strengths your children already possess. So, if you want one of your children to become more responsible, consider ways in which that child already demonstrates responsibility — perhaps remembering to feed and water the dog regularly. Can you think of things that prompt that behavior consistently? Does the dog give cues? Is there a routine around caring for the dog before breakfast and dinner? Now think of something you'd like done better — something the child already does sometimes, but not reliably. Is there a way to incorporate cues that can help? Or can you help by building in a routine? This is one way you can use your children's existing strengths to add new responsibilities to their repertoire.
Goal statements should be simultaneously ambitious and realistic. They should reach slightly beyond wherever your child is right now. When you teach responsibility, you have to break that goal into steps. Teach your child to be successful in one arena and then generalize it to another — and another — and another. One step at a time; one goal at a time. As your simple goals are accomplished, you can design goal statements for steps further along in the process of achieving your long-term goal. Eventually, responsibility will become second nature and help guide most of your children's behaviors.
The problem for many parents is that they wait until they are near desperation before seeking help. Then they want a quick solution. As you know, there are no simple fixes for the complexities of raising children. A counselor who barely knows you or your family cannot and should not tell you what to do. He or she can only introduce you to tools (hopefully ones that work) and show you how to apply them. As parents, you are the architects. You are in charge of designing your life according to your personal values. You'll be successful if you build on the strengths you and your family already have and plan how to achieve your goals.
Compromise
Let's look at how one mom used goal statements to overcome a problem in her family. Notice how she had to think about what she wanted and then create steps to get there.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Raising Cooperative Kids by Marion S. Forgatch, Gerald R. Patterson, Tim Friend. Copyright © 2017 Marion S. Forgatch, PhD, Gerald R. Patterson, PhD, and Tim Friend. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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