Raising a Thinking Preteen: The "I Can Problem Solve" Program for 8- to 12- Year-Olds

by Myrna B. Shure, Roberta Israeloff

Overview

In her bestselling Raising a Thinking Child, Myrna B. Shure introduced her nationally acclaimed "I Can Problem Solve" program, which helps four to seven-year-olds develop essential skills to resolve daily conflicts and think for themselves. With Raising a Thinking Preteen, Shure has tailored this plan especially for eight-to twelve-year-olds as they approach the unique challenges of adolescence.

The preteen years are often the last opportunity for parents to teach their children how to think for themselves. This book is the only source with a proven plan to help them do just that.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781250122452
Publisher:	Holt, Henry & Company, Inc.
Publication date:	05/10/2016
Sold by:	Macmillan
Format:	eBook
Pages:	272
File size:	883 KB

About the Author

Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist and professor, has won awards from the American Psychological Association and the National Mental Health Association for developing the ICPS program. She lives in Philadelphia. Roberta Israeloff is a former contributing editor to Parents.

Roberta Israeloff contributed to Raising a Thinking Preteen from Henry Holt and Co..

Read an Excerpt

Raising a Thinking Preteen

The "I Can Problem Solve" Program for 8- to 12-Year-Olds

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By Myrna B. Shure, Roberta Israeloff

Henry Holt and Company

Copyright © 2000 Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-250-12245-2

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CHAPTER 1

Kids Who Behave Differently Think Differently

It is just as important to solve "people" problems as it is to solve problems in math.

Between the ages of eight and twelve, children go through sweeping physical, social, emotional, and cognitive transitions. Confusingly, changes in these different areas often don't keep pace with each other. It's not uncommon to meet sixth-graders who look like eighth-graders but act and think like fifth-graders.

Children also differ dramatically in how they approach a problem. Consider four twelve-year-old boys. One may feel rejected if a friend declines an invitation to come home with him after school and play video games. Another may be the kind of kid who doesn't take "no" for an answer and reacts by threatening his friend. The third, when faced with a firm refusal, may try to find another way to entice his friend into changing his mind, and is therefore less likely to give up hope. And the fourth may ask his friend why he declined the invitation, consider the answer, and ask again using the new information.

The way a child reacts to typical social problems, like declined invitations, is important. Children who have interpersonal problem-solving skills tend to thrive. Children who lack these skills may develop social problems later on.

How parents react to these typical problems also has an impact. Some parental reactions guide behavior in positive, healthy ways; others do not. In the next chapter, we'll look at various ways parents handle their children's conflicts, and how they can help their children to develop special problem-solving skills.

Now let's meet three children and compare how they react when they have to solve problems. These three children, and the others highlighted in this book, are composites of many youngsters with whom I have worked; however, all the situations and dialogues are real.

Nicholas, age ten, is very popular with his peers. Not only does he have many play dates after school, but he's sought after in school as well: his classmates want him to be on their team for cooperative class projects, and on their sports teams too. Once in a while he may lose his temper, or express impatience — especially with his eight-year-old sister — but generally he's able to control his angry outbursts. And for the most part, he's learned to cope with the frustration of not always getting what he wants the minute he wants it.

Sarah, age eleven, wants others to play with her, but is rejected by her peers — she neither asks for nor receives help from them. She behaves aggressively when she wants something and flies off the handle when things don't go her way. Typical of many aggressive girls, as described by Suellen and Paula Fried, and by Carla Garrity and her colleagues, Sarah's bullying tactics are more verbal than physical. She yells at others, argues with them, and threatens them if they don't give her what she wants. If sufficiently provoked, she may also attack in physical ways. In class she's frequently disruptive, and resorts to lying.

Donna, a very bright nine-year-old, wants to have friends and play with others. No one really dislikes her — they just don't know she's there. Donna stands around watching, waiting for children to invite her to play, unable to figure out how to secure such an invitation. Soon, she gives up and walks away. Her feelings are hurt.

Research by John Coie, Jens Asendorpf, and their colleagues inform us that some timid or shy children like Donna are not actively rejected as much as they are simply ignored. They may be afraid to join others, and afraid to answer questions out loud when called upon in school by their teacher. It's especially difficult for shy preteens. Often, they give up trying to relate successfully to others, to express their feelings, and to stand up for their rights.

Before training these children and their parents in the "I Can Problem Solve" (ICPS) program, I wanted to assess their skills as problem solvers. To do this, I asked them to consider several kinds of social situations children might find themselves in. I wanted to determine how skilled they were in the five ICPS skills mentioned in the introduction: understanding another's point of view, understanding motives, finding alternative solutions, considering consequences, and sequenced planning.

ICPS Skill #1: Understanding Another's Feelings and Point of View

To understand how, and if, the children were sensitive to and aware of people's feelings, I asked each of the three to draw a picture of two children: one sad, and one not sad. Giving no further information, I asked them to make up a story about the two characters.

Nicholas's story went like this:

Corey (not-sad boy) asked Bert (sad boy) what was wrong. Bert said, "My dog's going to die."

Corey said, "I'm sure your dog will be all right."

Bert cried even harder and said, "No he won't. A car ran over him."

"Yes, I know," Corey said, "but they took him to a very good vet and he's doing surgery on him."

"But Corey, the car hit his head."

Corey tried to make him feel better. He told Bert, "But not hard enough to damage anything."

But Bert was still sad. "But what if he dies. What will I do?"

Corey said, "First of all, he's not going to die. Second of all, whatever does happen, your family and me will be here to help. So let's go inside and wait for the vet to call."

"Thanks, Corey."

In this fictitious situation, Nicholas created a boy who understood and sympathized with the feelings of another, even though he did not experience those emotions himself. Through Corey, Nicholas was able to step outside of himself and focus on Bert's needs, not his own.

Sarah, who drew two girls, described their conversation a different way:

Missy is the happy girl and Buffy is sad. Buffy told Missy, "I lost the championship. I threw the ball and no one caught it and we lost the game."

Missy told her, "Don't worry. You already won one."

"But this one was different. It was more important to me. It's my last game in the league."

Missy tells her not to feel bad — she can win a championship next year, and then says, "Didn't you hate those hamburgers we had for lunch? They were really dry."

Sarah identified why Buffy was sad. But in her story, Missy, instead of listening to Buffy explain why she wasn't comforted — because this was her last game in the league — ignored Buffy's explanation and said that Buffy could win a championship next year. Missy avoided dealing with Buffy's sadness, dismissed her explanation, and then changed the subject.

Donna depicted the two girls as sisters. Here is her story:

The one that's crying is Maddie; she's nine years old. Her twelve-year-old sister Liza is making her feel bad, telling her that their parents love her more, and Maddie believes her. Maddie locks herself in her room. Her parents try to get her out to get something to eat. Her parents ask, "What's wrong?" and she says, "Liza said you love her more than me."

They say, "No, that's not true. We love you both equally." And then Maddie feels okay.

It is interesting that Donna portrayed the not-sad girl as being the one who made the other one feel sad. Sometimes creating stories provides a shy child with the opportunity to express inner thoughts that she would not be able to express in real life.

To sum up how the three children dealt with a character who felt sad, Nicholas depicted a child actively trying to help another in distress, Sarah's character avoided sadness, and Donna let someone else (Maddie's parents) undo the sadness that the not-sad sister had instigated.

ICPS Skill #2: Understanding Motives

To gauge the children's depth of understanding as to why people might do what they do, I created a character who was always off by himself, showing no interest in playing with others. I told the children, "This child doesn't seem to want any friends. Why might a child not want to have friends?"

Typical of a socially competent child Nicholas's age, he understood that people might do things for a variety of reasons, and easily generated many explanations. Interestingly, they fell into one of two categories. In the first were those that take into account superficial, external motives, such as, "He just doesn't like anybody, so nobody likes him."

But he was also able to look below the surface and list several motives that weren't so obvious: "Maybe his father is poor and he doesn't want to be embarrassed and doesn't want his kid to be embarrassed either," or "He thinks people use him all the time."

Sarah, like many aggressive children her age, focused on a more superficial reason: "She's got all this stuff and doesn't want anybody to take it away from her."

Donna, like Nicholas, was able to see beneath the surface, "Maybe people are always hurting her feelings," but, like Sarah, generated a limited repertoire of possibilities. This inability to think of a variety of reasons people might do what they do can prevent her from having a greater understanding of how someone might really be feeling, how to help that person feel better, and how to relate to those feelings when she finds herself in a conflict with that person.

As I will discuss in Chapter 5, understanding why people behave the way they do at a given moment may not always be the same as understanding why someone behaves the same way consistently over time.

ICPS Skill #3: Finding Alternative Solutions

To learn how flexible Nicholas was in his thinking when faced with a problem between two people, I asked him to consider this hypothetical situation: "Johnny asked Daniel to play ball with him, but Daniel refused. What can Johnny do to get Daniel to play ball with him?"

"Ask him," Nicholas said.

"That's one possibility," I said. "Can you think of another?" Nicholas came up with seven additional solutions. He suggested that Johnny could:

• Wait till Daniel's not doing anything and maybe he'll get bored
• Tell Daniel he'll get lots of kids to play and they can all play together
• Offer to help Daniel with his homework and then ask him to play
• Just drop a hint and Daniel will catch on
• Show Daniel how to play hoops
• Challenge him to a game of hoops and let him win
• Hypnotize him to sleep and then suggest they play

Most socially and emotionally competent children who are well liked by their peers are able, as Nicholas was, to think of seven or eight different ways to solve this type of problem.

Both Sarah and Donna (given girls' names for the above scenario) were unable to think of more than three or four solutions to this problem. They tended to offer many different variations on a common theme. For example, one of Sarah's solutions was to ask, "Why won't you play with me? I would play with you." She then offered a second solution: "I'll invite you to my party." Perseverating on the same theme, she said next, "I'll invite you to my house," and "I'll take you to the movies." Although Sarah thought of inviting the girl to a different place each time, each solution used the theme of "inviting." In the end, Sarah could only think of two different solutions.

Donna was able to generate three solutions. She tried hard to think of ways to get the other child to play ball, and said, "Tell her she'll be her friend," "Help her if she gets in trouble," and "Tell her they'd play a girl's game." She also came up with variations on the last solution of doing something with the ball: "Tell her they could play volleyball," and "Let's play catch."

ICPS Skill #4: Considering Consequences

To see how well these children could think about the impact of their behavior on themselves and others, I made up this situation: Johnny (or Ruth) wanted the ball Daniel (or Loni) was playing with, and stole it. I then asked the children to think of all the different things that might happen next. Nicholas thought of many consequences, and significantly, they were of two different types. The first type were those which I call external consequences, because they are imposed by others:

• Johnny might get in trouble
• Johnny might get beaten up when the other boy finds out
• Daniel might spread rumors about him
• Daniel might steal his money
• Daniel might say, "Now you can NEVER play with my ball!"

But he also realized that actions can have a psychological impact on both perpetrator and victim, outcomes which I call internal consequences:

• Daniel will feel sad that someone took his ball
• Daniel will worry about what happened to his ball
• Johnny might feel bad if he upset someone

These internal consequences indicate that Nicholas understood that actions affect how other people feel, and that he could empathize with others.

Sarah was also able to think about what might happen next after Ruth took Loni's soccer ball, but she thought about external consequences to the perpetrator, not empathic consequences to the victim.

• Ruth will get in trouble
• Loni will tell the teacher
• Loni will steal something of hers
• Loni will call her stupid

Sarah then perseverated on the same theme of the last consequence. She added, "Loni will tell Ruth, 'You can't play soccer anyway,'" and "Loni will tell Ruth she's a dork." Both of these are variations of calling her "stupid" because they're all forms of belittling.

Perhaps Sarah has experienced these consequences in real life, but it hasn't stopped her from behaving aggressively. Perhaps she has become immune to these kinds of consequences, or perhaps she continues her aggressive ways because they get her what she wants. Or maybe she simply can't think of what else to do.

Donna, who as we saw before is aware of others' feelings, said, "Loni might start to cry." Although Donna was able to think of a more empathic consequence than Sarah was, she was unable to generate more possibilities, which prevented her from thinking further about this act of transgression.

Sympathy (feeling bad about another in pain) and empathy (feeling another's pain) are not skills in themselves, but they are important attributes that affect how well people can solve problems. Children who can generate a range of possible solutions and consider them in light of how they will make another person feel can become good problem solvers.

ICPS Skill #5: Sequenced Planning

Similarly, children who can take the feelings of others into account while planning ahead to reach a goal will become skilled problem solvers. To assess the children's ability to do this, I suggested that they tell me a story about something very important to them — making friends. I told them to think about how a child who had just moved into a new neighborhood would go about making friends, and asked them to tell me everything that happens. This technique, developed by George Spivack and Murray Levine for use with adolescents, assesses a person's spontaneous ability to plan sequenced steps toward an interpersonal goal, to anticipate potential obstacles that could interfere with reaching that goal, and to realize that problem solving may take time.

Nicholas told his story this way:

First Al got talking to the leader (the most popular boy in the group). He found out the kids liked basketball, but Al didn't know how to play. When Al got to know the leader better, he asked him to get the kids down to the skating rink. The kids went and saw him practicing shooting goals. So the kids asked him, "Would you teach us how to do that?" So he did, and they organized two teams and the kids liked that and Al had lots of friends.

Like other socially competent children, Nicholas is skilled at sequenced planning. His plan included a two-step sequence (talking to the leader and finding out what the kids liked to play) — interrupted by an obstacle (Al didn't know how to play the game the kids liked) — followed by a recognition that it takes time to make new friends (when Al got to know the leader better). He even added another step to reach his goal — interesting them in another sport.

I asked Sarah to create the same story, about a girl named Anita.

Anita saw lots of kids in a group on the playground. She asked them to play frisbee and they said yes. They threw the frisbee, and they laughed and they got tired running so far to get the frisbee. They really could throw it far.

Notice that Sarah's story had no sequenced steps. Rather, she offered one isolated solution — asking the group to play frisbee. Her approach to the problem was to move directly to the goal without considering how best to get there. She recognized neither that potential obstacles might interfere with her goal, nor that making friends might take time. In fact, most of her story described activities that occurred after the goal was reached.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Raising a Thinking Preteen by Myrna B. Shure, Roberta Israeloff. Copyright © 2000 Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Henry Holt and Company.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
Dedication,
Acknowledgments,
Preface,
Introduction,
1. Kids Who Behave Differently Think Differently,
2. Four Styles of Parenting,
3. How Do I Feel? How Do You Feel?,
4. Is Anybody Listening?,
5. Are Things Always What They Seem to Be?,
6. What Else Could I Do to Solve This Problem? Learning Alternative Solutions,
7. What Might Happen Next? Learning Consequential Thinking,
8. What's My Plan?,
9. Advanced ICPS: Integrating the Skills,
10. "What's in It for Me?" and Other Questions Parents Ask about ICPS,
11. An ICPS Quiz,
Epilogue — Preventing Serious Problems in the Teen Years: Drug Abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Violence,
References,
Index,
Also by Myrna B. Shure,
About the Authors,
Copyright,

Editorial Reviews

Raising a Thinking Preteen focuses on an age-group whose struggle is too often invisible, and offers an intelligent, practical resource...” —William Pollack, Ph.D., author of Real Boys and faculty, Harvard Medical School

From the Publisher