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Overview
Funeral planning is one of the most challenging things a family or priest may ever do, whether it is honoring the death of a loved one or long-time member of the congregation. This simple guide explains the Episcopal theology of celebrating a life alongside grief, while offering practical guidelines and forms for planning and arranging funerals. All content is in accordance to the Book of Common Prayer (1979) and approved liturgical supplementary materials.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780819229175 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Morehouse Publishing |
| Publication date: | 01/05/2014 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 56 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Kenneth Koehler has been a clergyperson for over twenty five years and a priest for nearly forty. He has served two Denver parishes, where the number of funerals per year has averaged 35-40. The first edition of Preparing a Catholic Funeral arose out of the experience of his own father's funeral; when it came time to plan, no one knew where/what his plans were. Since then, literally thousands of parishioners around the country have appreciated the opportunity to supply, in a quick form, the right information for the church and their families. Reverend Koehler currently serves as Pastor of St. Mark Catholic Church in Westminster, CO.
Read an Excerpt
Preparing an Episcopal Funeral
By Rob Boulter, Kenneth Koehler
Church Publishing Incorporated
Copyright © 2013 The Rev. Rob Boulter and Rev. Kenneth KoehlerAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8192-2917-5
CHAPTER 1
Coping with Death
Preparing for Death
When Death Is Near
When someone faces death or is critically ill, family members should immediately contact that person's church. A priest or lay pastoral minister can provide comfort for the person who is dying as well as for the family. Don't wait until death is imminent to contact the church. There are several options for ministration to the sick in the Episcopal tradition including the "Laying on of Hands for Healing" and "Anointing of the Sick." It is usually fairly easy to arrange for a priest to visit and offer Holy Communion when someone is too sick to come to church. Participation in these rites encourages the sick or dying person to experience the healing presence of Christ, whose resurrection offers hope for a new life beyond suffering and death.
Be certain to share with all loved ones as well as clergy the dying person's wishes for the funeral celebration, for example, by using the forms found on pages 47-56 of this booklet—if they have been filled out in advance. Review whether prior arrangements might have been made for someone to make decisions on the sick person's behalf (for example, through a durable power of attorney or a living will), for organ donation, for the burial plot, vault, marker or niche for cremated remains in a cemetery or for prepaid funeral plans.
When Death Occurs
When a loved one dies, the family should call the person's church as soon as possible. Most churches have an on-call system that will allow you to reach a priest and deacon when you need one. The sacrament of the "Anointing of the Sick" is for the living; therefore, the priest does not, typically, anoint the deceased person (but could, especially if the priest arrives a short time after the moment of death). Most often the priest/deacons will pray with the family in the presence of the body for the eternal salvation of the deceased and for the consolation of those who are gathered.
If no choice of a cemetery and funeral home has been made, the hospital, nursing home or facility where the death took place will assist the family or responsible person to choose and contact a funeral home. Should the death take place at home, the family should consult any available records indicating the deceased's wishes or any prior arrangements with a funeral home. Otherwise, they should choose a funeral home whose reputation they trust. If a funeral home has already been chosen, then it will be necessary to contact them immediately. There is a form at the end of the booklet (p. 51) to gather the information that the funeral home would normally request.
After Loss—Putting the Pieces Back Together
by Steven V. Malec
Life and death are partners. At some point, all of us will face death: our own as well as those we love. To lose a loved one through death always causes changes for us and for our lives. Life is about change. Sometimes it is painful. Sometimes it is beautiful. Many times it can be both.
After the overwhelming loss of a loved one, it feels like your heart—and your entire world—is completely shattered into pieces. No one asks for life to change this way, but it does. We have no control over death, but we do have control over how we respond to death. How we respond is what counts. After a loss, we find out who we are as we go about putting the pieces of ourselves and our lives back together.
The First Piece: Recognize the Loss
If grief is to be healed, it must be identified, acknowledged, felt and expressed. Grief only destroys us when we deny it or refuse to deal with it. Admit and honor your feelings of loss. The psychologist and spiritual writer Henri Nouwen counsels that "The only feelings that do not heal are the ones you hide." Therefore, the only cure for grief is to grieve. It is as simple and as difficult as that.
To begin grieving, you need to accept the full reality of your loss—in both the big and all the little ways. The primary loss is that of your loved one; however, there are always a host of other losses as well. You need to identify all the losses that the death of your loved one involves. Make a list and identify all your losses so you know exactly what you are dealing with.
The Second Piece: Express the Loss
Initially, a very important step in the healing process is to tell and retell the story of your loss, with all of its pain. We need to experience the pain and express it in order to heal. Pain and emotional feelings are essential ingredients in the healing process.
Sharing your loss helps to ease that pain. You can share your loss by talking, writing, crying and praying. Grief is not a problem that we fix or solve, but an experience that we must embrace and express in order to heal.
Grieving is not something that must be done alone either. Ask for help from your family, friends, church and professional agencies. Don't always wait for others to read your mind and offer help. Make a list of what you need and be willing to accept the help that others offer. Be gentle and patient with yourself and realistic with what you can and simply cannot do at this time. Keep in touch with supportive friends or others who have been in a similar situation. Think about attending a support group.
The Third Piece: Learn about Grief
Grief is the normal, natural and appropriate response to the loss of a loved one. It is essential for the healing process. You are not going crazy; you are grieving. You work through the loss of a loved one by moving from the deep pain, intense sorrow and distressing regret to healing, inner peace and even joy.
It helps to learn all you can about the grief process. Read literature on grief and loss and watch the newspaper for articles about grief. Check with your church for support and resources. Look up websites that have information on grief. Get on the mailing list for bereavement care newsletters from your cemetery, funeral home and area hospice.
The Fourth Piece: Face Your Loss
As you grieve, you are going to hurt. Grieving means living with pain. But that pain is the sign that you loved someone and someone loved you. You will always miss them and long to hear their voice one more time and that is okay. You cannot heal what you do not allow yourself to feel. Over time, each day will get a little better.
Each person's experience of loss is unique, but there are also common elements of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no orderly stages of progression. There are, however, healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with your grief.
Some healthy ways of coping include: talking about your loss with family, friends and others, writing in a journal, prayer, visiting the grave, looking at photos, honoring your feelings and taking good care of yourself physically and spiritually.
Doing these things often brings lots of tears. For both women and men, crying is a natural response to sorrow and can be extremely healing. Crying supports the immune system. Scientists have discovered that tears of sadness are chemically different from tears of joy. Crying these tears of sorrow flushes out depressants from the body.
You must also learn how to deal with the pain of your grief. The death of a loved one is the greatest of hurts that you will ever endure, and healing is never easy. Grieving takes courage, patience, endurance and faith. And though grieving is healthy and necessary, still it takes a huge toll on your body, mind and soul. So make sure to get proper rest, nutrition and exercise.
The Fifth Piece: Work through Your Grief
Grief has many different names and faces. When grieving a loss, it is normal to experience any of the following: shock/disbelief/numbness; loneliness/emptiness; fear/anxiety; anger/hostility; deep sadness/situational depression; a lack of purpose; a lack of energy; inability to concentrate; change in eating habits; change in sleeping habits; guilt/regret/relief; searching; envy of others; a strengthening or weakening of faith; acceptance/survival/healing.
Be determined to take time, notice and work through your grief even if others may want to hurry you through it. The funeral and burial may be finished in a week, but grieving goes on for a much longer time. The initial grief reactions of shock and disbelief are not the most painful or enduring ones. The five main grief reactions that usually remain the longest are anger, guilt, fear, sadness and loneliness. As you work through your grief, these acute grief reactions often lessen in intensity and soften. But you will have feelings of grief and will keep having them until you no longer need to.
There comes a time in your grief process when you will need to press through your emotions and grief reactions. Do not allow the "whys," the guilt or the regret to paralyze you in your grieving. If you do become stuck in your grief or if there is an issue that you cannot resolve, you may want to seek professional help. Also, let your faith help to heal you—in prayer give these unresolved areas to God as a seed and you will discover that God will bring you a harvest.
The Sixth Piece: Manage Your Loss
There is no easy way to bypass the experience of grief when a loved one dies. You must learn to manage your loss and not have your loss manage you. Bad things do happen to good people. You are still fragile, yet strong. Your heart is shattered, your bones ache and there are knots in your stomach.
Time alone does not heal all wounds, but rather what you do with your time does. Your heart is deeply wounded, and it will take time and hard work for healing to occur. While there is no set time schedule for the grief process, research shows that most grief reactions will be experienced and healed within 2-4 years for an anticipated loss and 4-7 years for a sudden loss. Although we usually want to know how long our grief will last, it is better to ask how willing are we to accept the reality of pain and truly work toward healing it.
Gradually, you will not only reclaim aspects of your old life but also add new ones, too. You will never really "get over it," but you can get through it. Through grieving, "moving on" is really moving back to former activities that you used to do and enjoy—dining out, going to the movies, doing hobbies, shopping, singing in church, among others.
We never really "let go" of our loved ones, but we do loosen our grip a little bit and let go of some of the pain. They are still a part of you and always will be! Take time to make a little connection with them every day.
The Seventh Piece: Hope for Healing
At the root of our faith is an unshakeable hope. Death is not the end. We believe that with Christ, there is life after death—"for your faithful people life has changed, not ended" (Preface of Christian Death, 1). Knowing and experiencing this makes our grief much different. It may not be any easier, but it is different.
We are like the Israelites who, when faced with the destruction of Jerusalem and its temple, did not despair but dared to hope and cried out in their grief: "My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is. My soul continually thinks of my affliction and is bowed down within me. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end" (Lamentations 3:17, 20-22).
We too dare to hope in the Lord. When a loved one dies, we grieve their loss. Christians grieve like everyone else, but we also grieve with faith and look to the crucified and risen Jesus for our hope. St. Paul encourages us to trust in the power of Christ's resurrection: "We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died so that you may not grieve as others who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14).
There is life after death for your loved one. There is also life after loss for you! After the death of a loved one, your life has been changed because of your loss. Over time, your grief will change, too. It will soften. You will not always feel as you do at this moment.
But just because your life has changed, this doesn't mean it is ruined. There is hope and healing. First you must allow yourself to feel the pain of loss and grief. Then in time and with hard work, the good days will begin to outnumber the bad days.
Let faith be your consolation and eternal life your hope. Jesus can help you heal if you invite him into the process. Through Jesus' suffering and death, we find hope and healing. It is an unrealistic expectation, however, to think that healing will restore your life back exactly the way it was before your loss. There is no full recovery. Some part of your loss may remain unrecovered for the rest of your life.
This doesn't mean that you cannot have peace and joy within you. Healing involves making peace with your life and even finding joy again. There is always loss before gain. Through this healing process, you will emerge a new person—stronger, more compassionate, more understanding and loving, with a life full of renewed meaning, purpose and love.
Putting the Pieces Back Together
Although this life has to end, love doesn't. A heart can be broken; but it still keeps beating. You can feel shattered, but you can put the pieces together again. Healing is a daily journey and a constant choice to go on and to look forward. Healing comes not from the forgetting, but from the remembering. Piece by piece, you will be healing.
May you experience the peace of Jesus Christ, which is beyond all understanding, as you journey through your loss to heal and anticipate your joyful reunion with all your loved ones.
A Counselor Reflects on the Meaning of Funerals
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
For thousands of years, funerals have been a means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone we love. The funeral ceremony ...
* helps us acknowledge that someone we love has died.
* helps us remember the person who died and encourages us to share those memories with others.
* offers a time and place for us to talk about the life and death of the person who died.
* provides a social support system for us and other friends and family members.
* allows us to search for the meaning of life and death in the context of our faith.
* offers continuity and hope for the living.
One of the most important gifts of planning a meaningful funeral is that it helps family and friends to focus their thoughts and feelings on something positive. The funeral encourages them to think about the person who has died and to explore the meaning of that person's life and the ways in which she touched the lives of others. It is also a time and place for them to reaffirm their faith in new life after death.
The remembering, deciding and reflecting that takes place in the planning of the service are often an important part of the process of grief and mourning. And ultimately, this process of contemplation and discovery creates a memorable and moving funeral experience for all who attend.
Some time ago I created this layered triangle graphic to capture my philosophy of the Hierarchy of Purposes of the Funeral. Let's look at each layer in turn:
Reality
When someone we love dies, we are faced with acknowledging a difficult reality. It is hard to truly accept the finality of death, but the funeral helps us begin to do so. At first we accept it with our heads, and only over time do we come to accept it with our hearts.
Recall
Funerals help us begin to convert our relationship with the person who died from one of presence to one of memory. When we come together to share our memories, we learn things we didn't know and we see how the person's life touched others.
Support
Funerals are social gatherings that bring together people who cared about the person who died. This reason for having funerals is especially important to remember if the person who died liked to say, "I don't want a funeral. Don't go to any trouble." Funerals are in remembrance of the person who died, but they are for the living. Those who loved the person who died need and benefit from having a special time to support one another in their grief.
Expression
So many thoughts and feelings fill our minds and our hearts when someone we love dies. Collectively, these thoughts and feelings are what we mean by the term "grief." In other words, grief is what's inside us. When we express our grief—by crying, talking to others, sharing memories, taking part in a funeral ceremony—we are mourning. Mourning is grief communicated outwardly. When we grieve but do not mourn, our sadness can feel unbearable and our many other emotions can fester inside of us. Mourning helps us begin to heal. The funeral is an essential time for mourning.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Preparing an Episcopal Funeral by Rob Boulter, Kenneth Koehler. Copyright © 2013 The Rev. Rob Boulter and Rev. Kenneth Koehler. Excerpted by permission of Church Publishing Incorporated.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword,How to Use this Booklet,
COPING WITH DEATH,
Preparing for Death,
After Loss—Putting the Pieces Back Together,
A Counselor Reflects on the Meaning of Funerals,
Preparing Children for Funerals,
Honoring Wishes for End-of-Life Care,
Using Modern Technology and Social Media,
GUIDELINES FOR PLANNING A FUNERAL,
Planning a Funeral or Memorial Service,
Seven Tips about What to Say and Do to Comfort Others,
SCRIPTURE READINGS,
Introduction,
Hebrew Scripture,
Psalms,
New Testament,
Gospel Readings,
MUSIC SUGGESTIONS,
Introduction,
Hymns,
WORKSHEETS,
Vital Information for Survivors and/or Personal Representatives,
Financial Papers and Records,
Vital Information for the Funeral Home,
Funeral Services,
Vital Information for the Parish Church,
What People are Saying About This
"Rob Boulter has compiled a valuable resource, and every congregation should make this resource widely available to its members. It offers sound practical advice, both for those facing the death of a loved one and for those planning ahead for their death."
—Ruth Meyers, Dean of Academic Affairs, and Hodges-Haynes Professor of Liturgics, Church Divinity School of the Pacific
"A valuable resource for the most poignant of times, you will find resources here to care for the grieving with pastoral insight and the power of finely crafted liturgy. I plan on giving copies of Preparing an Episcopal Liturgy to newly ordained clergy and pastoral care leaders."
—The Rt. Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde, Bishop, Episcopal Diocese of Washington DC
"Pastors often say that preparing the sermon for Easter Sunday is one of their most difficult tasks. The Resurrection of Christ, with its promise to us, is simultaneously too simple and too vast a topic for that occasion. But we are given the special privilege of sharing that Easter message each time someone in our community dies and enters into Life. Preparing an Episcopal Funeral provides practical guidance for the pastor who wishes to share the Easter Gospel during those difficult occasions when people are most hungry to receive it, by both Word and Sacrament, and by their holy companions, pastoral care and administration."
—The Rt. Rev. A. Robert Hirschfeld, Bishop, Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire
"Preparing an Episcopal Funeral is a solid and very practical guide to issues both pastoral and liturgical. It would be of great help to family and friends who face the death of a loved one, but would be a fine tool in the hands of any individual who wants to give attention to his or her own advance planning. This booklet is steeped in the church's conviction that nothing can separate us from the love of God in the Risen Christ."
—The Rt. Rev. Jeffrey D. Lee, Bishop, Episcopal Diocese of Chicago
"Short enough to be a realistic and inviting resource for those dealing with the death of a loved one, comprehensive enough to offer insights about every facet of funeral preparation, this handbook expresses with directness and warmth the current pastoral and liturgical practice of Episcopal churches, combining respect for valuable traditions with a thoroughly contemporary orientation."
—The Rev. Martin L. Smith, spiritual guide, retreat leader and author of books exploring contemporary spirituality
"Rob Boulter’s Preparing for an Episcopal Funeral belongs in every pastor’s study, every parish office, every seminary class on pastoral care. It is concise and remarkably clear, combining the pastoral and practical aspects of one of the most delicate and challenging aspects of parish life. How do we celebrate a life, even as we grieve the inevitable passing of a beloved member of our own family or the parish family? How can we, clergy or lay, offer compassionate support to those overwhelmed by grief even as they struggle with decisions great and trivial? Preparing an Episcopal Funeral is a valuable resource for us all—concise and profoundly useful in preparing for that service of farewell and celebration but also an thought-provoking invitation to reflection for all on the meaning of life and death."
—The Rev. Margaret Guenther, Associate Rector, St. Columba’s Episcopal Church, Washington, D.C.