Playing Hurt: My Journey from Despair to Hope

by John Saunders, John U. Bacon, Mitch Albom (Foreword by)

Overview

For the first time ever, the popular late host of ESPN's The Sports Reporters and ABC's college football openly discusses a lifelong battle with depression.

During his three decades on ESPN and ABC, John Saunders became one of the nation's most respected and beloved sportscasters. In this moving, jarring, and ultimately inspiring memoir, Saunders discusses his troubled childhood, the traumatic brain injury he suffered in 2011, and the severe depression that nearly cost him his life. As Saunders writes,

Playing Hurt is not an autobiography of a sports celebrity but a memoir of a man facing his own mental illness, and emerging better off for the effort. I will take you into the heart of my struggle with depression, including insights into some of its causes, its consequences, and its treatments.

I invite you behind the facade of my apparently "perfect" life as a sportscaster, with a wonderful wife and two healthy, happy adult daughters. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am truly grateful. But none of these things can protect me or anyone else from the disease of depression and its potentially lethal effects.

Mine is a rare story: that of a black man in the sports industry openly grappling with depression. I will share the good, the bad, and the ugly, including the lengths I've gone to to conceal my private life from the public.

So why write a book? Because I want to end the pain and heartache that comes from leading a double life. I also want to reach out to the millions of people, especially men, who think they're alone and can't ask for help.

John Saunders died suddenly on August 10, 2016, from an enlarged heart, diabetes, and other complications. This book is his ultimate act of generosity to help those who suffer from mental illness, and those who love them.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780306824739
Publisher:	Hachette Books
Publication date:	08/08/2017
Pages:	328
Sales rank:	887,424
Product dimensions:	5.80(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.50(d)

About the Author

John Saunders was a legendary ESPN and ABC sports broadcaster, known to millions of Americans as the face of college football and the arbiter of thoughtful sports journalism on ESPN's The Sports Reporters. Saunders passed away on August 10th, 2016.

Website: http://espnmediazone.com/us/bios/saunders_john/
Twitter: @johnreporters

John U. Bacon is the New York Times bestselling author of, among other titles, Three and Out, Fourth and Long, and Endzone.

Website: http://www.johnubacon.com/
Twitter: @johnubacon

Table of Contents

Foreword Mitch Albom xi

Author's Note John U. Bacon xvii

Preface: Looking Over the Edge xix

Introduction xxiii

Part 1 Growing up the Hard Way

1 An Oasis of Love 3

2 An Indecent Proposal 10

3 Playing with Fire 13

4 He Ain't Heavy 27

5 The Salvation of Sports 30

6 Looking for a Little Relief 36

7 My Two Selves 42

8 The Drug Business 47

9 Hurting Myself 51

Part 2 Trying to Build a Better Life

10 Moving Out, Moving On, Moving Back 57

11 Falling in Love 70

12 Go West 76

13 Getting Married 80

14 Country John Saunders 84

15 Chasing a New Dream 94

16 Making It in Moncton 99

17 Bright Lights, Big City 111

18 Big Man in Baltimore 118

19 A Family of My Own 132

20 The Worldwide Leader 139

21 Our Sister 144

22 Livin' in America 150

Part 3 The Façade Cracks

23 The Psych Ward 157

24 Dr. Dangerous 171

25 Falling Backward 175

26 Scaling Mt. Sinai 182

27 Learning to Walk 190

28 A High-Stakes Stroll in the Park 200

29 Ready for Prime Time? 211

30 Testing, Testing 218

Part 4 Collision Course

31 The Damage of Doctor Dangerous Revealed 227

32 Let the Bad Times Roll 232

33 Stumbling Toward Unhappiness 238

34 A Day in the Doldrums 244

35 Peering Over the Tappan Zee Bridge 249

36 Back to the Bridge 254

37 Crunch Time 257

38 You've Got to Admit It's Getting Better 263

39 Jimmy V, Dickie V, and Cardio V 268

40 Learning the Best Lesson 277

Afterword John U. Bacon 283

Acknowledgments John U. Bacon 291

Editorial Reviews

07/01/2017
An excellent athlete in his youth, for the past 25 years ESPN mainstay Saunders (1955–2016) had enjoyed his roles as a journalist and commentator, watching and discussing sports. Then he suffered setbacks, including an accidental fall in the studio that resulted in a traumatic brain injury and a later heart attack. Less obvious but more damaging was the clinical depression that had haunted him since a childhood fraught with abuse, ultimately leading him a few months before his heart attack to peer over the edge of the Tappan Zee Bridge and ponder jumping. This personal account seeks to address his depression in hopes of reaching others, especially African American men like himself who may be hesitant to analyze or discuss their feelings. With the help of counseling and medication, Saunders kept his depression at bay. However, he died shortly after finishing his first draft of this posthumously published memoir. VERDICT For sports fans and anyone who has struggled with depression.—Jim Burns, formerly with Jacksonville P.L., FL

Library Journal

2017-06-05
The late ESPN host and commentator recounts years of struggle with mental illness.Saunders (1955-2016) died of what co-writer Bacon (Endzone: The Rise, Fall, and Return of Michigan Football, 2015, etc.) describes as "a combination of enlarged heart, complications from his diabetes, and dysautonomia, which affects the automatic nervous system that regulates breathing, blood pressure, and heart rate." In other words, he died at 61 of what are generally considered natural causes. The hardships Saunders recounts here are of a more existential nature: abused as a child, he grew up dependent on drugs and alcohol, more than once contemplating suicide: "I preferred fantasizing about dying in spectacular fashion than planning how I might actually do it." Though inclined to self-belittlement rather than self-aggrandizement, he was also a formidable hockey player who didn't mind the brutality of the sport. One key passage describes a series of maneuvers that by all rights should have led to banishment: "to understand a cross-check, imagine gripping a broomstick with your hands about three feet apart, then using the middle portion to smash someone's face while he's skating toward you." Deciding he was better suited to the other side of the glass, Saunders worked his way through the ranks of sports reporting and announcing, beginning with a minor station in New Brunswick and ending up at the pinnacle, ESPN. Even there, he writes, he contemplated leaping from the Tappan Zee bridge and ending his unhappiness. Of as much interest as his difficulties are his efforts to overcome illness, from cognitive therapy to medication and hospitalization; some of it worked, at least for a while, but much did not. Saunders writes without much flair but with plenty of awareness. "Depression allows you to have incredible insights into other people's souls yet still be incapable of transferring those insights to your own situation," he writes—though the chief point of his tale is that insight can come, if at a price. A story that merits both sympathy and attention.

Kirkus Reviews

"A story that merits both sympathy and attention."—Kirkus Reviews

"An inspiring call to action about mental illness."
—Sports Illustrated

"For sports fans and anyone who has struggled with depression."
—Library Journal

"The book...isn't a puffy portrait of the long-time fixture on ABC's college football coverage and 'The Sports Reporters'-though it's true Saunders was one of the most-liked sportscasters on ESPN through his career. This book explores Saunders' off-camera struggles, which included the events surrounding his life-long battle with depression...Readers will learn so many things about Saunders they would have never expected to hear-and they will also gain a better understanding of the day-to-day lives of people with depression. Saunders proves it's not what you think."
—Sporting News

"In this book, Saunders gives an astoundingly honest account of his lifelong struggle with depression...Playing Hurt makes it clear that depression doesn't care who you are. It doesn't care about your race, gender, age, family background, professional success, or anything else like that. This book also does an amazing job of saying to readers who suffer from this illness, "You are not alone," which is a message that can never be stated often enough...The honesty of this book, especially for such a public figure (who assumed he'd be alive when it was eventually published), is breathtaking...Playing Hurt is a gripping story, it is an emotional story, and above all else, it is an important story. It is not hyperbole to say that this book will save lives. It is a must-read."
—Clearing Out the Clutter

"[A] moving chronicle of [Saunders'] struggle...Readers will ache for him as he struggles to overcome brain trauma while still battling depression. This is a tough read; there's a lot of pain on the pages. But, as Saunders promised in his preface, there's a kind of hope as well."—Booklist

"This is an important book. Parts will leave you shaken, others will inform you, still others will uplift you. Playing Hurt is the final act of grace in John's remarkable life, so we may learn of the toll of depression, the need for diagnosis and treatment, and the hope that awaits."—Bob Ley, host of ESPN's Outside the Lines, winner of 11 Emmy Awards

"For 30 years, my friend John Saunders earned my admiration for his understated demeanor, his top-of-the-line professionalism, his Old World ways, and his gentle yet warm smile and laughter. I'm sure those who never met him except through TV felt the exact same way. After reading Playing Hurt, my respect for him has increased exponentially. So will yours. Thank you, John."—Chris Berman, legendary ESPN broadcaster

"Playing Hurt is John Saunders's personal, poignant story of how he responded to childhood traumas, abuse, clinical depression, an array of head traumas, sports injuries, suicidal thoughts, and excessive use of prescribed medications throughout his life. His hard-learned message: when depression strikes, it is a sign of real strength to talk and turn to family, friends, and experts."
—John F. Greden, MD, Founding Chair, National Network of Depression Centers (NNDC)

"Playing Hurt is a public service. Here is a trusted friend, a man who has spent so many hours in our living rooms, providing an education about brain injury, about depression, and the symbiosis between the two. Knowing he died so soon after he emerged from this fog is heartbreaking. Playing Hurt is a testament to John and the hidden struggles he overcame."
—Ivan Maisel, ESPN.com, six-time winner Best Writing, Football Writers Association

"This book underscores the difficulty and significance of acknowledging depression, as well as understanding that this is not unlike any other serious and chronic illness. Then, as Saunders learns, with the assistance of skilled porfessionals and loving, caring, and supportive family and friends, it can be diagnoses, treated, and managed."—Elissa P. Benedek, past President, American Psychiatric Association

From the Publisher

John Saunders was a well-liked longtime ESPN personality. Off camera, he dealt with a host of demons, all of which are detailed with raw honesty in this posthumous autobiography. Dion Graham narrates with just the right touches of emotion to get across the gravity of Saunders’s story, one of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and clinical depression. The voices of different people are delivered without imitation—this is Saunders’s story through his own eyes. Something about Graham’s reading evokes Saunders—his steady on-air presence and likable personality. His is a sad story, but one that never asks for pity, just understanding for those with mental illness. Graham delivers a strong narration of this gripping book. M.B. © AudioFile 2017, Portland, Maine

AUGUST 2017 - AudioFile