Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life
352
Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life
352eBook
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Overview
In this highly anticipated guide, Dr. Markham presents simple yet powerful ways to cut through the squabbling and foster a loving, supportive bond between siblings, while giving each child the vital connection that he or she needs.
PEACEFUL PARENT, HAPPY SIBLINGS includes hands-on, research-based advice on:
• Creating deep connections with each one of your children, so that each truly believes that you couldn’t possibly love anyone else more.
• Fostering a loving family culture that encourages laughter and minimizes fighting
• Teaching your children healthy emotional self-management and conflict resolution skills—so that they can work things out with each other, get their own needs met and respect the needs of others
• Helping your kids forge a close lifelong sibling bond—as well as the relationship skills they will need for a life of healthy friendships, work relationships, and eventually their own family bonds.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780698151185 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Penguin Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 05/05/2015 |
| Series: | The Peaceful Parent Series |
| Sold by: | Penguin Group |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 352 |
| Sales rank: | 1,004,637 |
| File size: | 3 MB |
| Age Range: | 18 Years |
About the Author
Dr. Markham earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology at Columbia University in New York. Her clinical practice is entirely devoted to coaching parents, with clients from New York to Australia (via Skype). She monitors the pulse of parents’ needs through her very active social network, including her own web site, AhaParenting.com. She speaks frequently with reporters for press as diverse as CNN and Parents Magazine and makes regular TV appearances. Dr. Markham lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn, with her family.
Read an Excerpt
“It’s Not Fair!”
It drives parents crazy. You do your best to be fair, but your children insist on competing over everything! Why?
· A sense of fairness is innate. Research shows that even babies have some concept of parity. It seems to be one of the human mind’s built‑in survival mechanisms to help us live in groups.
· They desperately want to know that you love them more than anyone else, so their survival is ensured. This is genetically programmed. Their genes want to know whom you would save if a tiger came marauding. If you love their sibling more, they’re toast.
· Children aren’t so different from adults. The entire legal profession is based on the human desire to be treated fairly. The problem isn’t that your children want fairness. It’s that they think you’re supposed to be Solomon and dole it out, but there’s no way both children will feel fairly treated by any solution any parent can devise. That’s not just because we’re fallible humans, but because children in search of fairness are motivated by fear, which is always irrational. Back to the previous point: They need proof the sibling isn’t being favored, to ensure their survival.
So how can you deal with the whole concept of fairness without going crazy, and in a way that helps your children feel more secure and less competitive?
1. Empathize. Your child has big feelings about this issue. After all, at an unconscious level this is about her survival. Trying to argue your child out of her feelings won’t work. Acknowledging them will help her feel understood, which means she can stop fighting. This is the most important thing you can do to help your child with her feeling that things aren’t fair.
Instead of arguing: “Of course you get to go first sometimes, don’t exaggerate!”
Empathize: “It feels like you never get to go first, huh?”
Instead of explaining: “He’s older, so he gets to stay up later.”
Empathize: “You wish you could stay up later . . . It’s hard to stop playing and get ready for bed . . . I bet when you’re eight like your brother, you’ll love staying up later.”
Notice you aren’t agreeing. You might even be pretty sure that she went first last night. You’re showing her you understand how she feels, nothing more, and nothing less. If you think back to times when you’ve felt understood, you will understand just how great a gift this is.
2. Focus on what each child wants rather than getting hooked when they compare or compete. When your children accuse you of favoring their sibling, you know intuitively that this is a serious accusation. On some level, they’re saying you don’t have enough love and protection for them, since you’re using it up on their sister. Understandably, you can get hooked and argue about who got what. But that’s a battle you’ll never win. Next time:
Instead of arguing: “I did not give him more—see, you have the same amount!”
Acknowledge the need your child is expressing without reference to his sibling, and reassure him that there’s always more than enough for everyone: “It sounds like you’re ready for more noodles. Show me how much you want and I’ll dish them out for you.”
What if there aren’t any more noodles, or you aren’t about to give them seconds on dessert? In other words, your child thinks she’s been treated unfairly, and you can’t (or won’t) make it better by giving her what she thinks she deserves to make things fair? Address the perceived unfairness symbolically, by showering your child with love. That’s what she’s actually worried about, even if she doesn’t know it. So you might say something like: “Oh, no! His piece was bigger? I can’t believe it—this is terrible! Here I sat, making sure the two pieces were exactly the same, and you’re telling me my splitting skills are slipping? You know what that means. If your piece was even hundredth smaller, that means I need to make it up to you—with a hundred hugs and kisses!” You grab her and fill her up with love. You aren’t teasing her, or belittling her need. You’re actually meeting her real need—to be as important to you as her brother. You’re letting her know that there’s always more than enough love for her, no matter what her brother gets. And the laughter helps her work through any fears that were triggered by thinking that you secretly prefer her brother.
3. Give material possessions based on need; be sure love is limitless. If one child has outgrown her sneakers and the other hasn’t, explain to all the kids that today it’s Asia’s turn for new sneakers, and Amira will get hers when she outgrows her current pair. Be alert to help Amira past her envy when Asia struts in: “It can be hard to watch your sister get something new when you didn’t . . . Don’t worry, when you need shoes, you’ll get them, too. You know that no matter what your sister gets, there’s always enough for you.” Then give her a huge hug. What she really needs is reassurance that you love her as much as her sister.
4. Don’t be afraid to treat children differently. Interestingly, several studies in which children were interviewed about how parents treat them and their siblings have found that kids don’t mind being treated differently, if they think the outcome is fair.1 They may give you a hard time because their brother stays up later, but they do understand that an older child gets more privileges and more responsibilities. In fact, you might want to talk about this with each child before his birthday. What new responsibility does he think he’s ready for?
5. Fill each child’s cup. The reason children compete is to ensure their survival in the face of danger and scarce resources. So your job as the parent is to love each child so he never needs to wonder if you might love his sibling more. That would be impossible, since he knows your love for him is limitless. In practice, that means:
· You seek him out for hugs and smiles, to look at the fireflies together out the window at dusk, and just to tell him you’re so glad you’re his mother.
· When he needs you, you show up. If your hands are full, you apologize and tell him when you’ll be able to tend to him; then keep your promise.
· You surprise him with little notes, favors, and activities. This takes some mental energy, which as a parent can be in short supply. One solution is to keep little notes on your to‑do list, so that every week you do one small special thing for each child.
· You make time for Special Time and the other preventive maintenance practices. Sometimes you take each child, one at a time, for a special adventure on a Saturday afternoon. If they fight about who goes on the first Saturday, while the other kids have to wait until subsequent weeks, you can “sweeten the deal” for the ones who have to wait by giving them longer adventures.
Table of Contents
Introduction xv
If You're Welcoming a New Baby xx
If Your Children Are Constantly Fighting xx
Part 1 Peaceful Parenting 101
1 How You Can Be a Peaceful Parent 3
The Parenting Skills That Help You Become More Peaceful as a Parent 7
2 How Peaceful Discipline Supports the Sibling Relationship 16
Why Punishment and Permissiveness Cause More Sibling Fighting 17
Rethinking Discipline 20
Setting Empathic Limits 23
Rethinking Time-Outs 25
Rethinking Rewards 28
The Difference Between Consequences and Limits 29
What If Empathy Doesn't Work? 32
Preventive Maintenance 36
When Your Child Is Acting Out: Time-In 41
Helping Kids with Big Emotions: Scheduled Meltdowns 43
How to Help Each Child with Big Emotions When You Have More Than One Upset Child 48
3 What Causes Sibling Rivalry-And How Parents Can Make It Better 52
Your Child's Point of View: That's Not a Friend, It's a Replacement 53
Factors That Can Exacerbate Rivalry 54
The Power of Parents to Foster a Super Sibling Relationship 60
Part 2 Teaching Peace
4 Coaching Kids to Communicate Feelings and Problem-Solve 65
Coaching Essential Emotional Intelligence Skills 67
Your New Role: Interpreter 70
Coaching Kids to Identify and Communicate Their Needs and Feelings 71
Coaching Kids to Set Limits with Each Other 75
Coaching Kids to Listen to Each Other 80
Coaching Kids to Problem-Solve 81
Basic Negotiation Tools to Teach Kids 89
5 When Problem-Solving Fails: Teaching Conflict Resolution 93
What About "We Get Along" Shirts? 93
Why Fighting Is Essential to Teach Children Relationship Skills 95
How to Help Children Learn to Work It Out Themselves 97
Empowering Kids to Stand Up to Teasing 116
Mean Words 118
When Your Child Says He Hates His Sibling 119
Intervening in a Sibling Fight: The Basics 121
Should You Punish Your Child for Aggression? 124
When Your Toddler Is the Aggressor Against Your Older Child 128
Coaching Kids to Handle Aggression from Younger Siblings 132
How to Stop Repeated Aggression 134
Teaching Skills: Intervening in a Sibling Fight 138
Helping Kids Make Repairs After a Fight, Instead of Forced Apologies 143
6 Why Can't They Just Share? Why Kids Fight Over Possessions 147
Rethinking Sharing: A Radical Solution 149
Self-Regulated Turns: What Children Learn 152
Coaching Kids as They Wait for Their Turn 155
7 Easing the Competition 161
"It's Not Fair!" 161
Never Compare 166
Resist Labeling 170
How to Celebrate Each Child Without Fueling Competition 172
Who Gets to Push the Elevator Button? 175
How to Ensure You Don't Unwittingly Foster Competition 177
Helping Kids with Competitive Feelings 178
Birth Order and Competition 181
What If You Prefer One Child? 183
8 Tools to Prevent Rivalry and Nurture Bonding 185
Expect Your Children to Value Each Other 185
Family Routines That Foster Sibling Bonding 188
Family Rules and Mottos That Support Sibling Closeness 192
How to Create More Positive Interactions Between Your Children 194
Strategies to Create a Sibling Team 196
Shifting Alliances: How to Keep Kids from Ganging Up on Each Other 198
Why Roughhousing Reduces Sibling Rivalry 199
Why Not Tickling? 205
When Kids Share a Room 205
When One Child Has a Friend Over 208
Family Meetings: The Resource You'll Be So Glad You Discovered 210
Part 3 Before the New Baby and Through the First Year
9 Before the Baby Arrives: Creating a Warm Welcome 217
Telling Your Child About the New Sibling 218
Twelve Ways to Help Your Kids Begin Bonding During Your Pregnancy 221
Be Sure Your Child Can Rely on Both Parents 224
Ten Tips to Support Your Child Emotionally as He Moves Toward Becoming a Big Sibling 227
Weaning Versus Tandem Nursing 230
Preparing Your Child for the Separation During the Upcoming Birth 232
If You're Planning to Have Your Child at the Birth 234
Creating a Transition Book for Your Child 236
Making an Activity Box for Your Child 237
Work Through Your Own Emotions About Having a Second Child 238
Loving Each Child Best 238
10 Getting Off to a Good Start: Birth and the First Few Months 240
Introducing Your Child to the New Baby 241
The First Week: Settling In as a Family 242
How to Keep Your Child Occupied While You Feed the Baby 247
Helping Your Child with Her Mixed Emotions About the Baby 249
What About Those Overzealous Hugs? 252
Regression: When Your Child Goes Backward 254
Managing Naptime and Bedtime with More Than One Child 257
The Early Months: The New Normal 260
When Your Child Has a Hard Time Adjusting 262
Daily Practices to Stay Connected to Your Child Now That He Has to Share You 265
Using Games to Help Your Child with Jealousy 271
Reading Books to Your Child About Becoming a Big Sib 274
Nine Tips to Foster a Great Relationship Between Your Children Right from the Start 275
11 Building a Positive Foundation When the Baby Begins to Crawl 279
Ten Tips to Maintain a Peaceful Home as Baby Moves Toward Toddlerhood 280
Dividing Your Time 283
How to Help Your Older Child Solve His Problems with the Little One 286
What to Say When Your Child Is Jealous of the Baby 288
What to Do About Toy Grabbing 292
When Your Child Is Aggressive Toward the Baby 294
What If the Aggressor Is Too Young to Understand? 303
What If It's the Baby Who's Aggressive? 304
Games to Help Your Children Bond with the Baby 305
Final Note: Choose Love 307
Acknowledgments 309
Notes 311
Index 313
What People are Saying About This
“This book delivers hope and help. Laura Markham brilliantly applies her respectful, attuned, limit-setting approach to sibling dynamics. Full of realistic scenarios and scripts for how parents can turn conflict into opportunities to build skills, and turn parental dread into meaningful intervention. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings masterfully coaches parents on how to honor each child’s experience, set limits, reduce conflict, and build skills for life.”
—Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline
“Parents need all the help they can get to be the kind of parent they want to be, and to use parenting skills that influence their children to be good citizens of the world. Dr. Laura’s book is filled with this kind of help—practical, inspiring, and encouraging though real-life examples. It would have helped me a lot when I was raising my children.”
—Dr. Jane Nelsen, author and co-author of the Positive Discipline series
“Finally, a book that answers your questions around sibling rivalry! In this insightful book, Dr. Markham draws on scientific research to craft smart strategies that any parent can use to help their children resolve their conflicts with empathy, mindfulness and peace. A must-read for every parent.”
—Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent and Out of Control
“Adding a child to the family creates a cascade of challenges. Dr. Laura Markham shows parents how to avoid common sibling difficulties, and how to convey their love, even in stressful situations, so children truly feel supported. Open this book, and you'll find clarity, wisdom, workable ideas, and generous helpings of respect for parents and children.”
—Patty Wipfler, founder, Hand in Hand Parenting
"Refreshingly positive and respectful in its tone, Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings lovingly guides parents by using scripts and practical examples, essential tools for any parent with more than one child. Dr. Laura's compassionate approach is empowering for parents, and liberating for children."
—Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson, Founders of Attachment Parenting International, and authors of Attached at the Heart
“Brothers and sisters rejoice! Here's a family roadmap to transform bickering kids into a connected sibling team. One third of kids have a warm caring relationship with their siblings. Read this book and your family can join the ranks.”
—Heather Shumaker, author of It's Okay Not to Share
“A phenomenal book for parents with multiple children! Dr. Markham addresses all of the common sibling issues with sensible solutions to bring peace and foster healthy relationships between siblings. This book will be my constant companion for years to come.”
—Rebecca Eanes, author of Lasting Bonds: Building Connected Families Through Positive Parenting
“Whether you are just beginning to contemplate having a second child or you are already frustrated by nonstop sibling fighting, this book is for you. I marveled at the amount of wisdom, compassion, and practical ideas packed into its pages. The wisdom begins with her gentle reminder that we have to start with ourselves if we want to make meaningful changes in our children’s relationships with each other. The compassion is in Dr. Laura’s empathy for everyone in the mix—including angry and worried parents. And the ideas aren’t just practical and usable—many of them are downright fun. You’ll laugh out loud just reading them, and everyone will laugh when you try them out. Wouldn’t that be a nice change from bickering and clobbering?”
—Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, author of Playful Parenting
“As a parenting coach, I know that sibling struggles can be heart-wrenching for parents. Dr. Laura's strategies are right on the money to help today's parents create more peaceful homes - and stronger sibling relationships. Great work!”
—Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time and The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic
“This book walks parents through sibling scenarios – even ones for very intense children – and breaks down the specifics of how to approach common struggles, without making parents feel guilty or overwhelmed. It is a wonderful resource that gives parents the tools to not only help our children while in the midst of conflict, but also helps us to teach our children how to be the loving, kind and respectful brothers and sisters we know they can be.”
— Gina Osher, The Twin Coach
“If you are the parent of more than one child, this is the book for you. Laura Markham begins at the beginning – the how and when to tell your child that they are about to become a big brother or sister — and then offers concrete suggestions to help you lay down the foundation for a healthy sibling relationship throughout your children’s lives. I know that I will highly recommend this book to all my clients.”
—Rev. Susan Nason parent educator
" Dr. Laura's examples and coaching-based methodology make parenting siblings far less daunting....Her book reassures us that doing our best with the right tools, including self-regulation, connection, and coaching, can build a much happier and more peaceful family."
—Nancy Peplinsky, Founder & Executive Director of Holistic Moms Network