ParentSpeak: What's Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children--and What to Say Instead

by Jennifer Lehr

Overview

A provocative guide to the hidden dangers of “parentspeak”—those seemingly innocent phrases parents use when speaking to their young children.

Imagine if every time you praise your child with “Good job!” you’re actually doing harm? Or that urging a child to say “Can you say thank you?” is exactly the wrong way to go about teaching manners? Jennifer Lehr is a smart, funny, and fearless writer who “takes everything you thought you knew about parenting and turns it on its ear” (Jennifer Jason Leigh).

Backing up her lively writing and arguments with research from psychologists, educators, and organizations like Alfie Kohn, Thomas Gordon, and R.I.E. (Resources for Infant Educarers), Ms. Lehr offers a conscious approach to parenting based on respect and love for the child as an individual.

 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780761189008
Publisher:	Workman Publishing Company
Publication date:	12/27/2016
Sold by:	Hachette Digital, Inc.
Format:	eBook
Pages:	256
File size:	1 MB

About the Author

Jennifer Lehr is the author of PARENTSPEAK: What’s Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children—and What to Say Instead. She’s also the author of Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex, an Elle must-read. She writes about parenting on her site, jenniferlehr.com, and lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two children.

Read an Excerpt

“Good Job!”

“I was trained to make my mother happy. . . . [I am] addicted to attention, acclaim, validation.”—Howard Stern

“Hate to break it to you . . .” So read the subject line of a mass email from my friend Ana. (This is way back in 2007, before everyone and their mother turned to social media to spread the good—or bad—word.) “Read and weep!” she wrote and attached an article from Parents magazine called “Hooked on Praise,” by Alfie Kohn, a ruckus-making scholar in the worlds of education, parenting, and beyond. Even though I only had a precious few minutes left to get stuff done before Jules awoke from her nap, I was curious to see what news was so bad that Ana hated to break it to me—and all the other new-parent friends she’d cc’d.

I quickly skimmed the article, hoping I’d land on just the right sentences that would tell me whatever I needed to know—it seems nothing makes a person more ADD than having a baby. Scanning, I gathered that, contrary to popular belief, our national habit of saying “Good job!” to kids is not only not helpful, but it can be manipulative and can actually turn them into “praise junkies.” Praise junkies? I thought skeptically. Really? Isn’t that overstating things a bit? I didn’t quite think “Whatever!” but I certainly wasn’t reading and weeping. Then Jules woke up, so I quickly replied to Ana with a perfunctory “Interesting! Thx for sending” and ran off to get my angel. I figured that was that.

But she wrote back.

“I know! The article really hit home for me and Greg. We both grew up desperately wanting to please our parents. I was always trying to be the person my parents wanted me to be, grasping for the answers I thought my parents wanted to hear, molding myself into whatever person would elicit a ‘Good job!’ Believe me, it’s no surprise Greg and I met at Yale! It was our parents’ wet dream. Twenty years and tons of therapy later, I realized that I’d never really asked myself What do I think? How do I feel? What do I want? Oh, the wasted years! We’re definitely going to try to be really mindful about praising Tessie. Two people-pleasers in the house is two too many.”

Whoa! I should have actually read the whole article, I thought, hitting reply.

“Amazing how parents mean well but cause damage in ways they never could have imagined—to put it mildly. Wonder what I’m doing to screw up Jules. Isn’t it inevitable? Guess we should start a therapy fund now! :) I appreciate the heads-up. I’ll definitely be laying off ‘good job.’ See you soon? xo”

Then I hit Google. “What creates a people-pleaser?” I asked the great and powerful wizard.

“Parents do!” the wizard replied, just like Alfie Kohn said they do.

Table of Contents

CONTENTS

Introduction: The Pervasiveness of Parentspeak . . . 1

THESE MANIPULATE
Chapter 1: “Good Job!” . . . 6
Chapter 2: “Who’s My Big Boy?” . . . 35

THESE OBJECTIFY
Chapter 3: “You’re So Cute!” . . . 62
Chapter 4: “Give Grandma a Kiss!” . . . 81

THESE MICRO-MANAGE
Chapter 5: “Be Careful!” . . . 100
Chapter 6: “Can You Say ‘Thank You’?” . . . 119
Chapter 7: “Share!” . . . 133
Chapter 8: “Say ‘Sorry’!” . . . 147

THIS DISTRESSES
Chapter 9: “Tickle, Tickle, Tickle!” . . . 160

THESE INVALIDATE
Chapter 10: “You’re Okay!” . . . 170
Chapter 11: “Behave Yourself!” . . . 191

THESE THREATEN
Chapter 12: “I Said, ‘Right Now’!” . . . 209
Chapter 13: “Do You Want a Time-Out?” . . . 225
Chapter 14: “Do You Want a Spanking?” . . . 243

Afterword: All That Said . . . 259
Resources . . . 265
Acknowledgments . . . 271

Editorial Reviews

10/03/2016
Though Lehr’s (The Magic Cake) parenting guide is uneven, it contains at least one invaluable insight. She writes: “If a child isn’t responding to a reasonable request, then their behavior must be meeting a more pressing need.” She asks parents to give their child’s behavior the time and respect it deserves and then ask: what is that need? It is a profound message, rather buried in a book that can have the “15 Things Not to Say to Your Kids” feel of its blogger origins. Such formulas can be useful; parents who read this may think twice before showering children with “be carefuls” and “good jobs” and limiting their child’s self-calibration for risk and reward. Lehr has synthesized massive amount of parenting information and tested it on daughter Jules and son Hudson. Her advice can have a condescending tone, but it’s still (mostly) good advice. At worst, the final chapter’s suggestion that the criminal justice system might incentivize better parenting skills—by more stringently policing parents who use corporal punishment—is downright misguided. Yet the book contains enough gems and good reminders to make it a worthwhile read for the diligent parent. Agent: Susan Golomb, Writers House. (Jan.)

Publishers Weekly

A thought-provoking read that will prompt parents of all stripes to consider what they're saying when they talk to their kids.”—Booklist

“Underlying her friendly, enjoyable critique of certain phrases parents use reflexively—the kind that lead us to wonder, ‘How did my mother get in my larynx?’—Lehr offers a substantive and subversive message of respect for kids. The chapter about time-outs is worth the price of the book by itself, but I highly recommend you read the whole thing.”
—Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting and The Myth of the Spoiled Child

“Parentspeak is the antidote to all those words we find ourselves saying to our children automatically, because everyone else says them: ‘Good job!’ . . . ‘Say you’re sorry.’ . . . ‘Don’t cry, you’re okay.’ . . . ‘Where’s my kiss?’” Lehr holds these and other thoughtless responses up to the light, where we suddenly see through them. I love Lehr’s clarity, her respect for children, and her ability to make it fun for readers as they have their worldview dismantled and renovated. Important for all parents; I will be recommending it to everyone.”
—Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting

“Smart, audacious, and often hilarious. Takes everything you thought you knew about parenting and turns it on its ear.”
—Jennifer Jason Leigh, actress, LBJ

“I’m obsessed with this brilliant gem of a book. I’m sharing it with my spouse, in-laws, extended family, and babysitters as a way to start discussions about when to ask for hugs, whether ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are always necessary, and that awful thing that constantly comes out of my mouth: ‘Be careful!’ What I love about Jennifer is that she deals out the most incisive, specific, modern advice, but then shares honest, authentic, and even awful true stories about her own mistakes. It’s like getting on the phone with the best expert and your best friend all at once.”
—Jill Soloway, creator of Transparent

“If the phrase ‘Good job, buddy!’ has ever made you cringe and you’re not sure why (except that you just heard it 6,873 times on the playground, including 146 times coming from your own mouth), this book is for you. Jennifer Lehr’s serious, skeptical look at why we sound so patronizing, controlling, and fake nice when we talk to our kids may change not only the way you talk to yours, but even the way you bring them up. Language is power, and this powerful book blows my mind—a fascinating read.”
—Lenore Skenazy, founder of the book, blog, and movement Free-Range Kids

“Beautifully bold. This book bucks convention so well you’ll wonder why you never questioned these platitudes before. Jennifer Lehr deeply understands kids, and her book is a lifesaver. Get ready to shake up your brain, ditch old habits, and discover what the parent-child relationship can really be.” —Heather Shumaker, author of It’s OK Not to Share and It’s OK to Go Up the Slide

“Children, even the youngest ones, are not dolls or pets; they are human beings, more intelligent than most adults realize. In this often witty, always highly engaging book, Jennifer Lehr helps us think about how to talk to and with these small humans. I recommend it for all new parents, and also for aunts, uncles, grandparents, early educators, and anyone else who interacts with young children.”
—Peter Gray, research professor at Boston College and author of Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life

“Funny, relatable, and packed with wisdom, Parentspeak encourages parents to proceed with compassion and meet kids where they are: in the thick of childhood. Lehr has a profound understanding of how language impacts children and provides practical strategies to help parents do what they often ask of their own kids . . . to choose your words carefully.”
—Katie Hurley, LCSW, author of The Happy Kid Handbook

“Wow. I had more EUREKA! moments in the first fifteen pages of this book than I have had in most of my 9 years of parenting. This book is now my forever shower gift. Thanks to the painstaking research and consideration of Jennifer Lehr, I now can understand why so many of my well-intentioned impulses have not always provided the calm, confident, loving outcomes I dream of. . . . It is never too late to examine or change the way we talk to and with our children. Words fly out so fast as a parent—this book gives us a second to step back and hear what we are actually saying. Bravo!”
—Kathryn Hahn, actress, Bad Moms

“Jennifer Lehr adds a new twist to the parenting literature. With humor and clear examples from her own and others’ experiences, she unravels messages that parents might not intend to give to their children but unknowingly are. This book will make them rethink how they interact and the language they use.”
—Tovah P. Klein, author of How Toddlers Thrive and director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development

“Language matters. It shapes our perceptions and influences how our children view themselves and their world. As such, Parentspeak is an important book in our time. With humor and grace, Lehr brings to light the issues with our common parental language and offers practical solutions. Well researched and insightful, Parentspeak will challenge you in the best possible way. Read it and grow.”
—Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide

“Finally someone who says what we shouldn’t say to our children—and, more importantly, why. If we want our children to follow their hearts, be resilient, and find their potential, then we must stop trying to lead and manipulate their way. Lehr shows us how we can derail their paths to success—and how to get back on track.”
—Bonnie Harris, MSEd, author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It


 

From the Publisher

03/15/2017
Parenting writer Lehr (Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex; GoodJobandOtherThings.com) offers some very sound, thoughtful guidance in examining parental praise, and how this well-intentioned habit can backfire, turning kids into junkies seeking their next compliment. Investigating how the way we talk to our kids "becomes their inner voice—the soundtrack they will involuntarily play back to themselves throughout their lives," Lehr considers 14 phrases that demonstrate how our "best intentions get bungled." Beginning with the nearly automatic "Good Job!" (setting children on a path to try not what gives the child joy but what pleases adults) to "Be Careful!" (nurtures risk aversion), she breaks down language that manipulates, objectifies, micromanages, distresses, invalidates, and threatens. Not all parents will agree with the author's findings, but she provides plenty of research to support her arguments, and her approach to alternative methods is worthy of attention. Verdict Based on the goal to respect children as individuals, Lehr's work gives much food for thought. Recommended.

Library Journal