|Edition description:||Enlarged ed.|
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About the Author
FOSTER W. CLINE, M.D. is an internationally recognized psychiatrist. He is a consultant to mental health organizations, parents groups, and schools across North America. He specialized in working with difficult children.
JIM FAY has thirty-one years on experience as an educator ans school principal. He is recognized as one of America's top educational consultants ans has won many awards in the educational field. He successfully guided his three children through their childhood and teen years using love and logic.
Read an Excerpt
Parenting with Love and LogicTeaching Children Responsibility
By Foster Cline Jim Fay
PIÑON PRESSCopyright © 2006 Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay
All right reserved.
Chapter OneParenting: Joy or Nightmare?
A wise child loves discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
A mother and father stand outside of a restaurant in the rain asking their three-year-old, Chloe, to get in the car so the family can go home. Chloe refuses. Her parents spend the next fifteen minutes begging and pleading with her to do it on her own. At one point, the father gets down on his knees in the puddles, trying to reason her into the car. She finally complies, but only after her parents agree to buy her a soda on the way home. If they have to use a soda to buy her off at three, what will they be facing when she reaches sixteen?
* * *
Jim sits in the airport awaiting a flight, watching as a mother gives at least eighty different demands to her three-year-old boy over the course of an hour without ever enforcing one of them:
"Come back here, Logan!"
"Don't go over there, Logan!"
"You better listen to me, Logan, or else!"
"I mean it, Logan!"
"Don't run, Logan!"
"Come back here so you don't get hurt, Logan!"
Logan eventually finds his way to where Jim is seated. The toddler smiles at him while ignoring his mother. The mother yells, "Logan,you get away from that man! You get over here this instant!"
Jim smiles down at Logan and asks, "Hey, Logan, what is your mom going to do if you don't get over there?"
He looks up and grins. "She not goin' to do nothin'." And then his eyes twinkle and his grin becomes wider.
It turns out he is right. She finally comes apologizing. "I'm sorry he's bothering you, but you know how three-year-olds are. They just won't listen to one thing you tell them."
* * *
On a Saturday at a local supermarket, two boys-ages five and seven-have declared war. Like guerrillas on a raiding party, they sneak from aisle to aisle, hiding behind displays and squeaking their tennies on the tile floor. Then suddenly a crash-the result of a game of "shopping cart chicken"-pierces the otherwise calming background Muzak.
The mother, having lost sight of this self-appointed commando unit, abandons her half-filled cart. As she rounds a corner, her screams turn the heads of other shoppers: "Don't get lost!" "Don't touch that!" "You-get over here!" She races for the boys, and as she's about to grab two sweaty necks, they turn to Tactic B: "the split up," a twenty-first-century version of "divide and conquer." Now she must run in two directions at once to shout at them. Wheezing with exertion, she corrals the younger one, who just blitzed the cereal section, leaving a trail of boxes. But when she returns him to her cart, the older boy is gone. She locates him in produce, rolling seedless grapes like marbles across the floor.
After scooping up Boy Number Two and carrying him back, you guessed it, she finds that Boy Number One has disappeared. Mom sprints from her cart once more. Finally, after she threatens murder and the pawning of their Nintendo game system, the boys are gathered.
But the battle's not over. Tactic C follows: the "fill the cart when Mom's not looking" game. Soon M&Ms, Oreos, vanilla wafers, and jumbo Snickers bars are piled high. Mom races back and forth reshelving the treats. Then come boyish smirks and another round of threats from Mom: "Don't do that!" "I'm going to slap your hands!" And in a cry of desperation: "You're never going to leave the house again for the rest of your lives!"
Frazzled, harried, and broken, Mom finally surrenders and buys off her precious flesh and blood with candy bars-a cease-fire that guarantees enough peace to finish her rounds.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
Ah, yes, parenting-the joys, the rewards. We become parents with optimism oozing from every pore. During late-night feedings and sickening diaper changes, we know we are laying the groundwork for a lifelong relationship that will bless us when our hair turns gray or disappears. We look forward to times of tenderness and times of love, shared joys and shared disappointments, hugs and encouragement, words of comfort, and soul-filled conversations.
But the joys of parenting were far from the minds of the parents in the previous stories. No freshly scrubbed cherubs flitted through their lives, hanging on every soft word dropping from Mommy's or Daddy's lips. Where was that gratifying, loving, personal relationship between parent and child? The sublime joys of parenting were obliterated by a more immediate concern: survival.
This was parenting, the nightmare.
Scenes like these happen to the best of us. When they do, we may want to throw our hands in the air and scream, "Kids! Are they worth the pain?" Sometimes kids can be a bigger hassle than a house with one shower. When we think of the enormous love we pump into our children's lives and then the sassy, disobedient, unappreciative behavior we receive in return, we can get pretty burned out on the whole process. Besides riddling our lives with day-to-day hassles, kids present us with perhaps the greatest challenge of our adulthood: raising our children to be responsible adults.
Through the miracle of birth, we are given a tiny, defenseless babe totally dependent on us for every physical need. We have a mere eighteen years at most to ready that suckling for a world that can be cruel and heartless. That child's success in the real world hinges in large part on the job we do as parents. Just thinking about raising responsible, well-rounded kids sends a sobering shiver of responsibility right up the old parental spine. Many of us have felt queasy after a thought such as this: If I can't handle a five-year-old in a grocery store, what am I going to do with a fifteen-year-old who seems to have an enormous understanding of sex and is counting the days until he gets a driver's license?
Putting the Fun Back into Parenting
All is not so bleak. Trust us! There's hope, shining beacon bright, at the end of the tunnel of parental frustration. Parenting doesn't have to be drudgery. Children can grow to be thinking, responsible adults. We can help them do it without living through an eighteen-year horror movie.
Parenting with Love and Logic is all about raising responsible kids. It's a win-win philosophy. Parents win because they love in a healthy way and establish control over their kids without resorting to the anger and threats that encourage rebellious teenage behavior. Kids win because they learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. Thus, they acquire the tools for coping with the real world.
Parents and kids can establish a rewarding relationship built on love and trust in the process. What a deal! Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting.
Excerpted from Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline Jim Fay Copyright © 2006 by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword to the Second Edition xi
Part 1 The Love and Logic Parent
1 Parenting: Joy or Nightmare? 5
Are We Having Fun Yet? 7
Putting the Fun Back into Parenting 8
2 Mission Possible: Raising Responsible Kids 9
Ineffective Parenting Styles 11
The Effective Parenting Style of Love and Logic 15
The Paradox of Success and Failure 16
Learning at Affordable Prices 18
To Protect Them Is Not to Love Them 20
Responsibility Cannot Be Taught 21
3 Responsible Children Feel Good about Themselves 23
I Am What I Think You Think I Am 24
The Three-Legged Table of Self-Concept 26
The Difference between Praise and Encouragement 32
Positive Self-Esteem Comes from Accomplishment 34
If We're Happy, They're Happy 36
4 Children's Mistakes Are Their Opportunities 39
Mother, Please, I'd Rather Do It Myself 40
You Have Your Troubles, I Have Mine 41
The Two Rules of Love and Logic 44
Problem, Problem, Who Owns the Problem? 49
5 Setting Limits through Thinking Words 53
Building Walls That Don't Crumble 54
How to Talk to a Child 57
The Threat Cycle 59
We'd Rather They Think than Fight 62
Mean What You Say, and Say What You Mean 64
6 Gaining Control through Choices 67
Parenting Just Gets More and More Curious 67
The Right Dose of Control 69
Waging a Winnable War with Choices 71
The Bad Boy in Burger King: A Case Study on Winning a Control Battle 77
Choose Your Choices Carefully 83
7 The Recipe for Success: Empathy with Consequences 85
Hurting from the inside Out 87
Naturally Occurring Consequences 88
Imposing Consequences 91
Consequences Don't Have to Be Immediate 92
It's the Empathy That Counts 94
8 Lights, Camera, Parenting! 97
Practice, Practice, Practice 97
What Love and Logic Is Not 98
It's Never Too Late to Start 104
Part 2 Love and Logic Parenting Tools
How to Use Love and Logic Pearls 106
1 Allowances/Money 107
2 Anger: When It's Appropriate 110
3 Bedtime 112
4 Bossiness 115
5 Bullying and Cyberbullying 117
6 Car Wars: Back-Seat Battles 121
7 Chores 125
8 Church: When Kids Don't Want to Go 128
9 Creativity 130
10 Crisis Situations 133
11 Discipline 101 135
12 Discipline in Public 139
13 Divorce and Visitation 141
14 Eating and Table Manners 149
15 Entitlement 152
16 Fears and Monsters 156
17 Fighting 158
18 Friends 161
19 Getting Ready for School 163
20 Giving Gifts 167
21 Grades, Underachievement, and Report Cards 170
22 Grandparents 175
23 Homework 178
24 "I'm Bored" Routine 180
25 Lying and Dishonesty 182
26 Nasty Looks and Negative Body Language 184
27 Pacifiers 186
28 Peer Pressure 188
29 Pet Care 191
30 Picking Up Belongings 193
31 Professional Help: When to Seek It 196
32 The Room: Keeping It Clean 197
33 The Room: Keeping the Kid in It 199
34 Sassing and Disrespect 202
35 Spanking 204
36 Sports 206
37 Stealing 210
38 Swearing and Bad Language 212
39 Teacher and School Problems 214
40 Technology: The Internet, Phones, Pornography, Television and Videos, and Video Games 216
41 Teeth Brushing 234
42 Telephone Interruptions 236
43 Temper Tantrums 238
44 Toilet Training 240
45 Values: Passing Them On to Your Kids 242
46 Whining and Complaining 245
Appendix A The Three Types of Parents 247
Appendix B Turn Your Word into Gold: The Art of Enforceable Statements for the Home 248
What People are Saying About This
“Parenting with Love and Logic is a MUST for every parent in America! This is the most useful book I’ve ever read. My kids have used this stuff on me, their peers, and their teachers! That’s how I know it really works!”
“An invaluable guide . . . especially when it comes to de-escalating those inevitable conflicts between parents and kids.”
“This is as close to an owner’s manual for parents as you will find. Now, parents can embrace mistakes as wonderful learning opportunities to raise respectful, responsible, and caring children.”
“Parenting with Love and Logic is an essential component for our schools, parents, and teachers. Thousands of families have been positively impacted by Love and Logic principles.”
“Parenting with Love and Logic is a terrific book for parents that provides important concepts and practical solutions to help children become emotionally, socially, and morally healthy.”
“I have been delighted to share the powerful yet simple wisdom of Jim Fay and Foster Cline with my counseling clients. The principles in Parenting with Love and Logic are practical, proven techniques that keep parents on track to raising responsible, loving, confident children.”