Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family--and the World
272
Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family--and the World
272Paperback
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Overview
—Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE, author of Raising Good Humans
Parenting is hard. But when we replace conventional parent-child power dynamics with collaboration, family life gets easier today—and we create a better world for all of us in the future.
When we see our children stalling, resisting, having tantrums, using mean words, and hitting, we want to just make it stop. But conventional discipline methods like time-outs, countdowns, and “consequences” teach children that it’s OK for more powerful people to control others—a lesson they take out into the world. This is how we learned White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism from our parents—and we will replicate this with our children unless we make a different choice.
Research-based parenting educator Jen Lumanlan offers a simple yet revolutionary framework for rethinking our relationships with children. This new approach helps us to look beneath challenging behaviors to find and meet children’s needs, and ours too—perhaps for the first time in our lives. It involves empathetic listening, understanding feelings and underlying needs, and problem-solving with our children to find solutions to conflicts that work for everyone.
Family life becomes radically easier in the short term because behavior problems tend to melt away. In the long term, we’ll raise children who confidently advocate for themselves and treat others with profound respect.
Includes sample scripts, flowcharts, and resources to help parents learn and implement this new approach.
—"The compassionate guidance will be a boon to parents eager to move away from punitive child-rearing strategies."—Publisher's Weekly
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781632174482 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Sasquatch Books |
| Publication date: | 09/05/2023 |
| Pages: | 272 |
| Sales rank: | 512,477 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.53(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.63(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
INTRODUCTION: Letting Go of What You Know
It’s no secret that parenting in our culture is really freaking hard, but not for the reasons you think. It’s not hard because of anything your child—or you—is doing wrong. You may wonder how on earth this book could be any more helpful than all the other books you’ve already read, podcasts you’ve listened to, and ideas you’ve implemented. After all, the sticker and star charts, counting to three, consequences, time-outs, ‘catching’ them being good, praise, setting expectations, and giving choices were all supposed to ‘work’, but they haven’t.
On a daily basis, your child doesn’t listen. They ignore you; they “don’t hear you,” even when you call them twenty times; they stall; they resist; they look you right in the eye and do the exact thing you just asked them not to do. And then they refuse to do the things you ask them to do.
You may be struggling to keep your cool through all of this. Perhaps days begin somewhat smoothly . . . but then come the demands:
“I want the green spoon, not the red one.”
“I don’t like these crackers today.”
“So-and-so is looking at me!”
You accommodate these requests for as long as you can; after all, you love your children, right? But eventually it gets to be too much: you feel walked all over, taken advantage of, and just plain resentful. Once meals are prepared, cleaning is sort of done, and the laundry mountain is at least reduced in volume, there may not be any time left for you to do the things you love. Or move your body in ways that feel good. Or sleep.
Conventional parenting advice is pretty clear on what your job is here: it’s to get your child to do what you tell them to do. When your child does what you ask without complaining; doesn’t do what you tell them not to do (also without complaining); plays nicely with their siblings or peers; and fulfills teachers’ expectations at school, then you are a Good Parent. And then you can relax, and maybe take some time for yourself. Even many so-called respectful parenting approaches argue that it’s the parent’s job to be in charge and obtain their child’s compliance—insisting that your way is the right way because young children are not equipped to handle the power of understanding and meeting people’s needs.
Whether we were Good Parented as children, or whether our parents struggled with their own issues while we basically raised ourselves, we probably learned to toe the line, play nicely with others, and do well (or well enough) in school. And either way, the end result was the same: we learned that our needs were not as important as theirs, that we would only be welcomed into the family when our behavior met certain expectations, and that deviating from those expectations would cause rejection and the withdrawal of love and approval.
It may seem as though we “turned out fine.” Or perhaps that’s just the version of us we like to show the world, and underneath, things are not fine at all. We may feel afraid to show parts of our- selves that still seem unacceptable and unlovable—to the wider world, to our extended family and friends, even to our partner. It may seem like we’re a fraud, looking like we’re keeping it together in work, parenting, and mental stability—and if we can just keep up the façade, nobody will find out. We may feel disconnected from our own children, since we spend most of our time telling them to do things and not to do other things and keeping them from trying to kill each other.
This is just what parenting is like, right?
Parenting with Power and Control
Parent Maria grew up in a very religious Australian family where God and Maria’s dad were in charge. The approach of counting to three and requiring obedience on the third count was popular when Maria was young, but in Maria’s house, her parents would count to one, at which time the children would have to agree to whatever was being asked and do it “with a good attitude.” With eight siblings younger than her, Maria’s role in the family was to keep the peace, making sure nobody upset her parents, who were struggling with their own mental health challenges. Any attempt to assert her own ideas about her body, her decisions, or her life was met with consequences, punishment, and shame.
Years later, when Maria’s oldest daughter Isabel was six weeks old, she was already asserting her strong will: she always wanted to be held in an upright position and would cry if her parents held her any other way. One day when Isabel was two, Maria made a plan to take her to the bakery up the road and have a doughnut together. In Maria’s mind, it was going to be a beautiful, connecting experience, and all Isabel had to do was put her shoes on (experienced parents can already see where this is going, right?). Isabel lived by the motto: “don’t do anything for yourself that you can get somebody else to do for you.” Now that Isabel is eight, Maria can look at that attitude and see the amazing leadership skills of a CEO or a world- changing visionary, but sitting in front of her hall closet that day, Maria was The Boss, and those shoes were going to get on those feet, and Maria was not going to be the one who put them there. Cajolements followed; bribery followed; forty minutes later, the shoes were still not occupied.
They never made it to the bakery that day. But Maria didn’t give in! She made sure that Isabel knew who was In Charge. And then Maria realized that she was essentially using the same tools that her parents had used, and that she might be able to reward and punish Isabel into cooperation now but this decision would come back to haunt their family later on. She didn’t want to break Isabel’s spirit. She really didn’t want Isabel to follow in her own footsteps and become a people pleaser who would do whatever she was told as a young child and then rebel in her teenage years (as Maria had done). So Maria stopped using time-outs and “power-over” tools and tried to work with her daughter’s spirited personality, although it was often still difficult.
For several years, Maria coped with these challenges, added a second strong-willed daughter, and figured she could slot in a third child. When her son was born just as spirited as the first two, though, all of a sudden she was right back where she started: constantly in a state of heightened arousal waiting for the next explosion of big feelings to happen, and fawning over her children whenever they cried to placate them back to calm and quiet, which was the only state that felt safe to her.
Parenting Beyond Power – From Fear to Joy
I first met Maria when she joined my Taming Your Triggers course. When she introduced herself in the community, it was clear that she had a good deal of awareness about her struggles but didn’t know how to cope when all three children were screaming at her at the same time. Using the exact tools that you’re going to learn in this book, Maria realized that she is not responsible for other people’s feelings, that she can identify her needs and make requests to get them met, and meet her family members’ needs as well.
Her relationship with Isabel has utterly changed. A few years ago, their morning conversations would go like this:
Maria: “Get dressed.”
Isabel: “No.”
Maria: “Get dressed.”
Isabel: “No.”
After we started working together, Maria sat down next to Isabel one morning and gently asked: “What’s going on for you? Why don’t you want to get dressed?” Isabel replied: “I like knowing you’re the last person who touches my clothes.” Where Maria had previously seen resistance and defiance, now she saw a heart-melting need for connection—which she was absolutely willing to meet. Isabel would put on her own pants, and Maria snuggled with Isabel’s top before helping to put that on, and then getting dressed each morning was no longer a struggle.
Maria had always worried about whether Isabel would be empathetic toward others: Maria once fell and sprained her ankle in front of seven-year-old Isabel—who just stepped over her and asked what they were going to have for morning snack. Maria has consistently modeled observing her children’s behavior and saying things like: “Your sibling looks like they aren’t really enjoying this at the moment; is that right?” Recently the family was sitting around the dinner table and the other children were teasing Maria when Isabel stepped in: “Mum’s had a bit of a hard day today; I think she probably isn’t up for being teased.” Maria realized that all the acceptance of feelings and modeling of empathy and truly trying to understand her daughter’s needs was paying off.
When asked to help, Isabel would previously have given her standard response: “No, I’m not doing that.” Now when the family is getting ready to welcome guests for lunch, Isabel can see Maria’s needs (order in the house, and collaboration with Isabel), articulate her own needs (warmth and comfort), and propose a solution that works for both of them (“It’s too cold for me to clean up outside; is there something I can do inside?”), and Maria gladly accepts the help. She’s doing two things through these interactions: enhancing the connection between them—and making life so much easier.
Maria is also starting to see how this approach is rippling out both in her family and into the wider world. Isabel was part of a group of “cool kids” at school that started bullying a child who was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). She disconnected from the group and decided to make friends with the child who had been bullied. Isabel still pushes back on authority when she feels it’s warranted, like when a church group leader tries to get her to apologize to a sibling, and she responds: “That’s not how it works in our family,” then follows up later with a genuine apology when she’s ready.
Maria is the first to admit that she is not a perfect parent—in fact, she said she felt like a fraud when I asked if I could share her story as an example of someone who is “doing it well.” She’s still working through her childhood trauma in therapy and messes things up on a regular basis (as we all do!). But she sees that if you use these methods not perfectly but consistently, the path gets smoother, easier, and more rewarding within her immediate family—and radiates from there out into the world.
Why Read This Book?
The methods you’re going to learn in this book will help you do three things:
1 Heal yourself
The majority of parents I work with set limits on their children’s behavior when they already feel so walked all over that the child's last request becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. They have no idea that they have needs themselves, never mind how to identify them or articulate a request to get them met, or how to set boundaries and limits when these are the most appropriate tools for the situation (so they aren’t being walked all over until they explode on a regular basis). You’ll learn how to understand your needs and make requests of others to help you meet them so you’ll feel more relaxed and able to enjoy life—and your children!
2 Create real connection with your child
These tools will help you to raise a child in a relationship where you both truly respect each other’s needs and can meet all of these needs the majority of the time. When your child can identify their needs and multiple strategies to meet these instead of getting attached to one single strategy, their needs can be met far more often. Your child will feel “seen” by you and will know that they are loved exactly as they are—which means they stop resisting you every step of the way, and start collaborating.
3 Live your social justice values
When we raise our children in a way that understands and respects their needs and our needs, they have a model for how they want to be treated in relationships and know how to set boundaries, instead of doing things that peers and authority figures tell them to do that goes against their values. They also go out into the world knowing how to understand other people’s needs and hold these with just as much reverence as their own—and when more people can do that, we’ll be better equipped to address social challenges like White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism.
This book is an invitation to begin a journey. I don’t have all the answers; nobody does. I still mess up, and I certainly haven’t “solved” these social challenges. But I also see how social movements start: with people trying something new, failing, trying again, and moving toward living in a way that is richly resonant with their values. Like Maria, the parents you’ll meet in this book are already on this journey; they now find parenting less stressful than they ever imagined possible, and they see the ripples starting to touch the wider world. Will you join us?
Table of Contents
Contents:Preface
Author’s Note
Introduction
CHAPTER 1: SOCIETAL FORCES In FAMILY LIFE
How White Supremacy, Patriarchy, and Capitalism Affect Our Relationships with Our Children
CHAPTER 2: JUDGMENTS, REWARDS, AND PUNISHMENTS
They “Work” (But Not the Way We Want Them To)
CHAPTER 3: EMOTIONS AND REGULATION
How to Navigate Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Shutdowns
CHAPTER 4: CHILDREN'S RESISTANCE
A Gift that Shows Us Their Needs
CHAPTER 5: MEETING PARENTS' NEEDS
(Sometimes with Boundaries)
CHAPTER 6: PROBLEM-SOLVING CONVERSATIONS
A Way to Meet Everyone’s Needs
CHAPTER 7: COMMON DIFFICULTIES WITH PROBLEM-SOLVING CONVERSATIONS
And How to Address Each One
CHAPTER 8: LEVELING UP
Applying Your New Skills to the Challenges You Face
AFTERWORD: WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
Building Your Village
Summary of Key Ideas
Acknowledgments
Resources
Actions
List of Needs
List of Feelings When Needs Are Met
List of Feelings When Needs are Unmet
Starter Scripts
Index
Notes