Table of Contents
Acknowledgments 7
Prologue: A (Fairly Lame) Ode to Mothers 9
1 I'm Perfect and My Kids Never Fight 13
2 My Kids Are Headed to Therapy 17
3 An Extra Load (of Baloney) 20
4 Thrice Holy 24
5 Chick-Fil-A, Group Baths, and Other Survival Techniques 28
6 Nacho Average Bunny 31
7 Goodness Gracious 35
8 Little Hidden Surprises 39
9 Greatness, Credit, and Other Myths of Motherhood 43
10 Today Is Tomorrow's Yesterday 47
11 No-Suri 51
12 Seven Times in a Day (Of Course I'm Not Talk about Sex) 55
13 Jesus the Magic Genie 59
14 The Cannibalization of Me 64
15 First Century Camping 68
16 A Half-Filled Bag of Doritos 72
17 Tequila Sunrise 76
18 My Empty Nest Syndrome 81
19 The Santa Debacle 85
20 Skorts: It's a Skirt That Acts like Shorts! 90
21 Egg Salad Sandwich Disorder and Road Rage 94
22 My Missing Inner Saint 99
23 Garbage for Christmas 103
24 SAHM (Sleepy Anxious Hysterical Mama) 107
25 Baby Couture (Roll Eyes Here) 110
26 Mama on a Mission 114
27 Vivienne 119
28 Our Own Little Sweatshop 123
29 Upper Percentage of the Average Rank 127
30 Working Girls 131
31 Those Are the Prunes 135
32 Dogs and Discipleship 139
33 Professional Worrier 143
34 I'm Bringing Sexy Back 147
35 Mother of the Year Award 151
36 No Loving in First Grade 155
37 Do What the Voices Say 159
38 No Hands, No Jesus 163
39 Lame Lineage 168
40 Belovedness 172