Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

by Tristan Taormino

Overview

Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships — from partnered non-monogamy to solo polyamory. With her refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting and time management. Opening Up will change the way you think about intimacy.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781573444972
Publisher:	Start Publishing Llc
Publication date:	05/05/2008
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	376
Sales rank:	182,448
File size:	602 KB

About the Author

Tristan Taormino is an award-winning author, columnist, editor, filmmaker, and sex educator. She is the author of seven books and the editor of 23 anthologies. She’s written for a multitude of publications from Yale Journal of Law and Feminism to Penthouse. She lives in New York City. 50 Shades of Kink "A gentle guide. You'll be an expert quicker than you can say 'horse-hair butt-plug." —HuffPost Lifestyle "This slim volume is a guide to BDSM for newcomers, written by an expert—Tristan Taormino—and packed with useful advice about the practices and products." —Erotic Trade Only "After the international phenomenon of Fifty Shades of Grey, this is the book the world needed—a quality how-to guide and overview on the basics of BDSM" —Aerie's Room "Whatever your level in the world of BDSM, this book should be on your shelf." —Cara Sutra "I can’t stress enough the importance of being educated on the terms, toys, gear and how to play safely when it comes to kinky sex, and 50 Shades of Kink covers it all." —A Good Woman's Dirty Mind
Tristan Taormino is an American feminist author, columnist, sex educator, activist, editor, speaker, radio host, and pornographic film director.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Opening Up to the Possibilities: Challenging Monogamy and Revolutionizing Relationships     XIII
The Decline of Marriage and Monogamy
Monogamy's Mythology
Nonmonogamy as an Alternative Choice
My Research
Reading Opening Up
Choosing an Open Relationship
Pilots, Parties, and Polyamory: A Brief History     1
Swinging
Open Marriage
Multilateral Marriage
Gay Bathhouses and Sex Clubs
Lesbian Collectives and Sex Wars
Polyamory
Myths about Nonmonogamy     13
Is an Open Relationship for You?     19
Self-evaluation
Why People Choose Open Relationships
What Makes an Open Relationship Work?     33
Consent
Self-awareness
Communication
Honesty
Boundaries
Trust
Fidelity and Commitment
Styles of Open Relationships
Partnered Nonmonogamy     51
Definition
Examples
Potential Issues and Conflicts
Swinging     61
Definition
Beliefs and Attitudes
Swinging Styles
Community
Etiquette
Potential Issues and Conflicts
Polyamory     71
Definition
Beliefs and Attitudes
Hierarchical Poly
Nonprimary Partners
Nonhierarchical Poly
Nonsexual Poly Relationships
Solo Polyamory     87
Definition
Potential Issues and Conflicts
Polyfidelity     95
Definition
Benefits of Polyfidelity
Negotiation and Potential Issues
Monogamous/Nonmonogamous and Mono/Poly Combinations     111
Definition
Consent and Agreement
Potential Issues and Conflicts
Creating and Sustaining Your Relationships
Designing Your Open Relationship     121
Drawing the Outline
Filling in the Details
Negotiation
Rules and Agreements
The Myth of Equality
The Relationship Contract
Jealousy and Other Intense Feelings     153
Jealousy
Envy
Insecurity
Possessiveness
Feeling Excluded
Coping with Jealousy
Fear of Abandonment
Resentment
Compersion     173
Common Challenges and Problems     183
New Relationship Energy
Time Management
Miscommunication
Agreement Violation
Seeking Help
Opening Up Again: When Something Changes     203
A New Desire
A New Orientation
A New Relationship
Falling in Love
From Monogamous to Nonmonogamous
From Nonmonogamous to Monogamous
From Primary To Nonprimary
Coping with Change
Coming Out (or Not), Finding Community, Creating Families     227
Benefits of Coming Out
Risks of Coming Out
Deciding What's Right for You
Your Coming Out
Finding Community
Families, Tribes, and Networks
Raising Children     249
Benefits and Risks of Coming Out to Children
What to Consider Before You Tell Them
How to Tell Them
Practical Issues
Safer Sex and Sexual Health     263
Safer Sex
Sexually Transmitted Infections
Legal and Practical Issues     285
Housing Laws
Property Ownership
Employment Benefits
Legal Designations and Documents
Children
The Future of Relationships     295
Appendixes
Notes     301
Resource Guide     311
Books
Conferences and Events
GLBT/Queer
Local and Regional Organizations
National Organizations
Online Groups and Lists
Poly-friendly Professionals
Research and Activism
Spirituality
Websites
About the Interviewees     337
About the Author     345

Editorial Reviews

If you are looking for an everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship guide, this introduction to the world of nonmonogamy is probably not for you. Village Voice sex columnist Taormino, who has authored or edited a handful of guides on physical relationships (e.g., The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex), sheds light on the various types of open relations and shares tips on how these relationships can most successfully be maintained. Those put off by the book's premise shouldn't be: this is not so much an espousal of nonmonogamous relationships as it is a comprehensive guide to the phenomenon, offering numerous firsthand accounts from those involved in open relationships. With its modern twist on conventional relationships, her latest title would be best suited for contemporary nonfiction collections.
—Carolann Curry

Library Journal

"A luscious smorgasbord of non-monogamy as an opportunity for breaking free of one-way models of sex and love. Taormino's discussion is remarkably nuanced and balanced—and encourages readers to proceed with their eyes wide open." —Jack Morin, PhD, author of The Erotic Mind

"Bold advice for explorers of open relationships. Comprehensive, clear, and grounded in practical realities, this book is one of the best to come along in a long time!" —Deborah Anapol, Ph.D., author of Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

"Courageous, stunningly thorough and inspiring. If you need a pathfinding guide for evolving your relationships, this is it." —Daphne Rose Kingma, author of The Future of Love

"If you are looking for an everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship guide, this introduction to the world of nonmonogamy is probably not for you. Village Voice sex columnist Taormino, who has authored or edited a handful of guides on physical relationships (e.g., The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women), sheds light on the various types of open relations and shares tips on how these relationships can most successfully be maintained. Those put off by the book's premise shouldn't be: this is not so much an espousal of nonmonogamous relationships as it is a comprehensive guide to the phenomenon, offering numerous firsthand accounts from those involved in open relationships. With its modern twist on conventional relationships, her latest title would be best suited for contemporary nonfiction collections." —Carolann Curry, Mercer Univ. Medical Lib., Macon, GA — Library Journal —July 2008

"Superbly informative, sympathetic and literate." —Dr. Gloria Brame, author of Different Loving

"Taormino cuts through all the utopian theory and gets down to what people really need: the nuts and bolts of how open relationships work. I want to give Opening Up to everyone I know who asks, 'How do you do it?'" —Susie Bright, author of Best American Erotica Series

"This is the book you want to read if you're looking for a voice that is balanced, sensitive and sensible when tackling the thorny question of sexual boundaries in love relationships. Opening Up is sure to open up your mind." —Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotica Intelligence

Reviews

"A luscious smorgasbord of non-monogamy as an opportunity for breaking free of one-way models of sex and love. Taormino's discussion is remarkably nuanced and balanced—and encourages readers to proceed with their eyes wide open." —Jack Morin, PhD, author of The Erotic Mind

"Bold advice for explorers of open relationships. Comprehensive, clear, and grounded in practical realities, this book is one of the best to come along in a long time!" —Deborah Anapol, Ph.D., author of Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits

"Courageous, stunningly thorough and inspiring. If you need a pathfinding guide for evolving your relationships, this is it." —Daphne Rose Kingma, author of The Future of Love

"If you are looking for an everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship guide, this introduction to the world of nonmonogamy is probably not for you. Village Voice sex columnist Taormino, who has authored or edited a handful of guides on physical relationships (e.g., The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women), sheds light on the various types of open relations and shares tips on how these relationships can most successfully be maintained. Those put off by the book's premise shouldn't be: this is not so much an espousal of nonmonogamous relationships as it is a comprehensive guide to the phenomenon, offering numerous firsthand accounts from those involved in open relationships. With its modern twist on conventional relationships, her latest title would be best suited for contemporary nonfiction collections." —Carolann Curry, Mercer Univ. Medical Lib., Macon, GA — Library Journal —July 2008

"Superbly informative, sympathetic and literate." —Dr. Gloria Brame, author of Different Loving

"Taormino cuts through all the utopian theory and gets down to what people really need: the nuts and bolts of how open relationships work. I want to give Opening Up to everyone I know who asks, 'How do you do it?'" —Susie Bright, author of Best American Erotica Series

"This is the book you want to read if you're looking for a voice that is balanced, sensitive and sensible when tackling the thorny question of sexual boundaries in love relationships. Opening Up is sure to open up your mind." —Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotica Intelligence

From the Publisher