Table of Contents
Introduction: Getting Plucky 3
Stepping Down: Wherein I Unknowingly Plant the Seeds for a Series of Tiny Adventures 9
The Sensory-Deprivation Tank: In Which I Spend a Terrifying Ninety Minutes in a Bath of Warm Water 26
Casa Diablo: In Which a Stripper's Vagina and a Blind Chihuahua Cause Me to Send a Monumental Text 40
A Little Bit of Background: Wherein I Attempt to Explain My Dating Situation 55
Adventures in Dating I: Winter, Spring, and How Microsoft Excel Turned Me into an Asshole 76
A Brazilian in Portland: Wherein I Discover a Border I'd Rather Not Cross Again 94
Adventures in Dating II: Summer, the Season of Underboob and Back-of-Knee Sweat 106
Getting Legally High: In Which I Learn That Some People Just Shouldn't Smoke Pot 120
Dating the Polyamorous I: In Which I Develop an Aversion to Soccer Equipment 137
Dating the Polyamorous II: In Which I Learn Who the Boss Is, and It's Not Judith Light 153
Build-Your-Own-Burrito Night at the Sex Club: Wherein I Am Disappointed by Public Sex and Tortillas 166
An Hour with a Professional Cuddler: Wherein I Learn Not to Hate Affirmations … As Much 185
Water Aerobics: In Which I Learn How to Make Myself Feel (Relatively) Young and Attractive 206
Adventures in Dating III: Winter Is Coming 220
Fellatio Class: Wherein I Learn That There Are Ways in Which My Oral Fixation Makes Me an Overachiever 239
Adventures in Intimacy: Wherein I Test the Boundaries of Affection and My Bladder 252
The MRI: Wherein I Go on a Medical Adventure of My Own Making and It Is Louder Than Expected 260
One Last Leap: Wherein I Do the Thing I Should've Done Years Ago and Try Not to Wallow in Regret 279
The Epilogue That's Really Just Another Chapter: Wherein I Attempt to Tell You Why You Just Read This Whole Fucking Book 290
Acknowledgments 303