Not by Chance: How Parents Boost Their Teen's Success In and After Treatment

by Tim Thayne

Overview

Your struggling teenager is going to a residential or wilderness treatment program. Their addictions, learning disabilities, or emotional/behavioral issues have brought you to a moment of decision. Heartsick, anxious, and exhausted, questions bounce endlessly around your mind, "Will this work? Was this really necessary? Will she ever forgive me? Can we handle him at home when the time comes?" Dr. Tim Thayne delivers the answers in his groundbreaking book Not by Chance. As an owner/therapist of wilderness and residential programs, Thayne was frustrated when young people made monumental progress, only to return home where things quickly unraveled. His mission became to vastly improve long-term success by crafting and proving a model to coach parents on their power to lead out through full engagement during treatment and management of the transition home. Not by Chance engages readers through solid research, simple exercises, and captivating stories taken from Thayne's own life and the living rooms of hundreds of American homes. This book serves up concrete tools, hope, confidence, and stamina for families, professionals and mentors.

Topics include:
• Why good programs work
• How to boost—not undermine—treatment
• Nine dangers waiting after discharge
• How to identify natural mentors for your teen
• What to do when the testing begins
• When and how to grant back privileges and freedoms
• How to ease your young adult's transition from treatment to independent living
• When you know you've succeeded

If you are even considering out-of-home treatment for your teen, do not gamble with the outcomes. Not by Chance should claim its rightful place on your nightstand. www.notbychance.com

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781599323176
Publisher:	Advantage Media Group, Inc.
Publication date:	11/15/2013
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	684,664
Product dimensions:	6.20(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

TIM THAYNE, After founding successful wilderness and residential teen treatment programs, in 2005 Tim Thayne created Homeward Bound to lead the movement to educate and support families, while greatly reducing relapse. Never one to underestimate the significance of transitions, Thayne guides parents in their crucial leadership roles as culture builders and change agents.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments 17

Foreword 19

Introduction The Worst Day of My Career 23

The Purposes of this Book 27

Chapter 1 All or Nothing: What It Takes to Succeed 33

Three Major Factors for Long-Term Success 36

Parent Involvement 38

Structure and Stability 39

Aftercare Process 40

Family System Focus 41

What If My Teen Is Not Coming Home? 42

Five Reasons to Engage in Family Work 43

Molding the Context 45

Have a Plan and Stick with It 46

Teens May Have Agency, but Parents Have Empowerment 48

Chapter 2 Know When to Hold 'Em: How Good Treatment Programs Work 51

Elements of a Powerful Therapeutic Milieu 53

Consistency Is King 56

Safety and Security 58

A Structured Full Daily Schedule 60

Clinical Component 61

Good Staff 62

Parent Participation 64

Individualized Treatment 67

Time 69

Chapter 3 Ready to Roll: Your Role While Your Teen is in Treatment 75

It's Your Turn 79

The Résumé of Failure 80

The Ideal Relationship with Your Program 83

Become a Partner in the Process 83

Don't Be Laissez-Faire 84

Be an Engaged Collaborator 85

Treatment Resistant Family Dynamics 87

The Enmeshed Family 88

The Emotionally Detached Family 93

The Polar and Divided Family 95

Stages in the Parent/Program Partnership 97

Letting Go 97

Brace Yourself 99

Re-engage 104

Remodel the Relationship 106

Lead by Example 109

Make a Game Plan 113

Get Unified with Your Co-parent 114

Appraise the Home Environment 118

Evaluate the Academic Environment 122

Plan for Your Staying Power 123

Chapter 4 Jeopardy: What's Waiting after Discharge? 125

Expectations 126

Greenhouse to Garden 127

Pack Early 129

Hidden Waterfalls 130

Discordant Parenting Waterfall 130

Emotional Trigger Waterfall 132

Power Struggle Waterfall 135

Freedoms/Privileges Waterfall 137

Not Knowing When or How to Let Go Waterfall 139

Over-accommodation Waterfall 140

Unclear Expectations/No Accountability Waterfall 141

The Social Vacuum Waterfall 142

Siblings Waterfall 144

Chapter 5 Stack the Deck: Your Community's Contribution 149

Community is Key 150

Natural vs. Assigned Mentors 151

Talking About Treatment 154

Acquaintances 156

Siblings 157

Extended Family and Close Friends 158

Get Connected with Other Parents 161

Micro-interventions 162

Community Building in Our Day 164

Chapter 6 The Cheering Section: Recruiting Multiple Natural Mentors 167

Identifying Home Team Members 169

Extended Family 171

Older Siblings 172

Peer Mentors 174

Adult Mentors 176

Family History 177

Adoption 180

Overcoming the Bystander Effect 182

Chapter 7 Let's Make a Deal: The Excitement Phase 187

Four Phases 188

Talk it Out 190

Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep 190

Don't Cave In to Pressure 191

Appraise the Friends 192

Recognize Progress 194

Identify Fears and Prepare 194

Dump the Guilt 195

Set Absolutes (Red Light Issues) 198

Five Keys to Fair Consequences 199

Chapter 8 Stars in Our Eyes: The Honeymoon Phase 203

Short, Sweet and Real 204

Enjoy It but Don't Falsely Prolong It 206

See Strengths 206

Use Momentum 207

Give Up Suspicion 208

Chapter 9 Twists and Turns: The Testing Phase 211

First Signs 212

Never, Ever Say… 214

Talk It Out 214

Stay Calm and Hold the Boundary 215

Focus on Your Part 218

When You Need a Coach 220

Never, Never, Never Give Up 221

Chapter 10 Win the Day: The Maintenance Phase 225

Don't Kick Back 227

Expand the Privilege Pool 227

Family Check-Ins 228

Stop the Volcano 230

Have Fun 232

Chapter 11 No Such Thing as Luck: Helping Your Teen Keep the Momentum 235

Stretch Goals 237

Call on the Home Team 238

Motivating Teens 239

Relapse Prevention Plan 239

School Success Plan 240

Daily Schedule 241

Exercise 241

Sleep Patterns 243

Employment 243

Service 244

Hobbies and Play 245

Social Interactions 246

Chapter 12 Your Turn: Parenting-The Number-One Thing Within Your Control 251

Circle of Influence 253

1 Parenting Leadership Is Essential to Healthy Families. 255

2 Nurturing the Relationship is a Priority. 256

3 Clear Expectations Encourage Consistency and Teach Values. 259

4 Choice and Accountability Invite Growth. 262

5 Parental Unity Creates Family Stability and Strength. 264

6 Change Takes Time and Sustained Effort. 266

7 Parents Are the Most Powerful Agents of Change. 268

Chapter 13 The Game of Life: Over-eighteeners 271

The Gap between Treatment and Independent Living 272

Transition Programs 273

Home 274

Failure to Launch 276

Tips to Make a Launch Successful 279

Chapter 14 We've Got a Winner The Role of Aftercare In Long-Term Success 285

Why Aftercare? 286

What Success Looks Like 289

Conclusion 291

References 293

Index 297

Editorial Reviews

"Intriguing, pragmatic and honest…a refreshingly practical focus. This should be required reading for every family who places their adolescent in a residential treatment program."
—Nicolas Taylor, Ph.D., author of Helping People Addicted to Methamphetamine: A Creative New Approach for Families and Communities

"I am more convinced than ever that the extended and integrative transitional support Thayne offers is a critical component for lasting change."
—Sarah Finney, MS, LMFT, Therapeutic and Educational Placement Consultant

"Terrific read….clinically unimpeachable….unfailingly enlightening."
—Scott Johnson, Ph.D., former president, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy

"Funny how a $25 book could be the factor that makes a several thousand dollar treatment process actually stick."
—Tony Mosier, LMFT, co-founder Telos RTC

"Excellent book...wonderful resource for families and professionals alike who are serious about retaining positive treatment gains... I highly recommend Not By Chance."
—Kimball DeLaMare, LCSW, founding president National Association of Therapeutic Schools and Programs

"Knowing Tim for the past 20 years, there isn't a better source of knowledge, information and wisdom on how to lead a healthy, worthy life at home and in your family."
—Harold Kurstedt, Ph.D., Hal G. Prillaman Emeritus Professor, Virginia Tech, co-founder Newport Group

From the Publisher