Nobody Panic: How to be a functioning adult without screaming

by Tessa Coates, Stevie Martin

Overview

'Absolutely delightful, surprisingly useful and pleasingly absurd' - Rachel Parris

'Tessa and Stevie are two of the funniest people I know' - Nish Kumar

'A must-read for anyone struggling to be a convincing grown up' - Richard Herring

'Bloody funny and genuinely informative' - Ellie Taylor

Trying to get your life together? Got three dead houseplants, no debit card, and an exploded yoghurt in your bag? Useful, funny and life-affirming, Nobody Panic is an instruction manual for anyone with absolutely no idea what they're doing.

From the creators of the critically acclaimed podcast comes a series of How To guides for everything from job interviews to leaving a WhatsApp group, from understanding the oven to dealing with your best friend's new (astoundingly dull) partner. There's also a poem about taxes.

Comedians and professional panickers Tessa Coates and Stevie Martin are here to help you learn from their many, many mistakes, and remind you that when it comes to life, we're all in this together - so nobody panic.

Praise for the podcast:

'Hilarious and brilliant' - Grazia

'Witty, smart and oh-so-relatable' - Evening Standard

'Jaunty' - The Times

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781529364439
Publisher:	Hodder
Publication date:	03/11/2025
Pages:	352
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 1.25(h) x 9.00(d)

About the Author

Tessa Coates is a writer, performer, journalist, comedian and one third of critically acclaimed sketch group Massive Dad. Her debut solo show Primates sold out the entire run at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and ran at the Soho Theatre to more sell out audiences. After performing her show in LA there was a competitive situation to produce her first TV comedy series in the US which is now at ABC studios with Greg Daniels (The Office) and Howard Klein (3 Arts).
Stevie Martin is an actor, writer comedian and also part of Massive Dad. Stevie had performed to solo Edinburgh Shows, Hot Content ('Top Comedy Shows to See at the Fringe', Time Out) and Vol. 1. She has co-written, co-starred in and co-produced several BBC3 Quickies, and written and starred in numerous branded sketches for several brands from Ocado to Acuvue. A writer published everywhere from Vice to the Guardian, Stevie is working on her first book.

Table of Contents

How to Use This Book 1

How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome 4

How to Look After a Houseplant 8

How to Be On Time 14

How to Cure a Hangover 21

How to Say Sorry 24

How to Deal with Jealousy 30

How to Understand the Oven 34

How to Be Incredible at Dating 41

How to Ask for a Pay Rise 47

How to Make a Rental House a Home 54

How to Listen 70

How to Drink More Water 77

How to Handle Job Rejection 78

How to Understand Wine 86

How to Be More Assertive 92

How to Spot Relationship Red Flags 98

How to Make Friends 107

How to Bleed a Radiator 116

How to Get into Ethical Fashion 121

How to Be More Organised 128

How to Cope with Grief 133

How to Be Impressive in the Kitchen 141

How to Write a CV 149

How to Get Over a Broken Heart 153

How to Leave a WhatsApp Group 158

How to Read Tarot 168

How to Change a Light Bulb 176

How to Be More Body Positive 179

How to Nail a Job Interview 188

How to Sleep 194

How to Break Up with a Friend 199

How to Have a Smear Test, Colposcopy or Biopsy 207

How to DIY 216

How to Care Less About Life's Milestones 223

How to Respond to Catcalling 229

How to Poo 234

How to Network 243

How to Understand Tax 249

How to Behave When Your Friend's New Partner Is Trash 255

How to Move Back In with Your Parents 260

How to Put Up a Shelf 265

How to Survive Your Stopgap Job 270

How to Be Single 277

How to Budget 284

How to Deal with Online Bullying 288

How to Quit Your Job 293

How to Restart a Dead Friendship 298

How to Be More Productive 303

How to Break Up with Someone 310

How to Pack 322

How to Go to Therapy 330

How to Have a Live-in Lover 337

How to Go Travelling Alone 346

How to Survive the Post-education Wasteland 352

How to Be Creative 358

How to Go to a Wedding 364

How to Be Brilliant at Public Speaking 372

How to Work Out What You Want to Do with Your Life 381

Read in Case of Emergency: You're Crying on the Bus 386

Read in Case of Emergency: You're In Need of a Confidence Boost 393

Read in Case of Emergency: You Want to Text Your Ex 397

Actually Useful Resources 401

Acknowledgements 403

Editorial Reviews

Stevie and Tessa are two of the least qualified people to advise anyone. Thankfully they are two of the funniest people I know.—Nish Kumar

I'd expected this book to be bloody funny (which it is) but what I hadn't accounted for was it being genuinely informative. Thanks to Stevie and Tessa I now know everything from how to be productive, how to keep a plant alive, how Stevie's dad packs a suitcase and most importantly, why you should always eat the dead frog first.—Ellie Taylor

Absolutely delightful, surprisingly useful and pleasingly absurd—Rachel Parris

Stevie and Tessa deliver solid, empathetic and hilarious life advice: a must-read for anyone struggling to be a convincing grown up. Which, let's face it, is all of us.—Richard Herring

Funny funny women, I love them—Suzi Ruffell

Hilarious and brilliant writing. I wish Stevie and Tessa were available to hire to sort all my life problems, but instead you can just read this tremendously funny book.—Cariad Lloyd

This book is VERY funny and charming in addition to being extremely informative. Nobody Panic is funny and wise and warm. Thanks to this book, my plants are thriving, my groupchats are manageable, and I finally know how to use my oven. If you are a human being who worries about anything, or if you want to read an absolutely first rate poem about the UK's tax system, this is the book for you.—Monica Heisey

Nobody Panic [the podcast] has comforted me and made me cackle, and this brilliant book does exactly the same—Emma Gannon

This book is a rarity: absolutely hilarious and yet, incredibly helpful. I always wanted a Stevie and a Tessa in my handbag to consult when things get tough, and now I have

—Pippa Evans

I LOVE THIS BOOK. It's a triumph, I laughed so hard - and I learned, guys, I learned!
I'm sorry, a book this hilarious has no right also being this useful. Nobody Panic is the book I needed in my twenties, the book I need now and the book I suspect I'll still need in a decade's time. Like the literary equivalent of the friend who takes you firmly by the shoulders in the toilets and tells you to stop being ridiculous, it's equal parts practical, reassuring and gleefully funny. They should be handing it out for free on the NHS, but until then I suggest buying a copy for every tote bag you own just to be on the safe side.

—Lauren Bravo

Normally, ACTUALLY USEFUL FUNNY do not go together, but this book is the Holy Grail! You will laugh and learn how to put up a shelf - my dream—Aisling Bea

From the Publisher