Negotiating While Black: Be Who You Are to Get What You Want

by Damali Peterman Narrated by Damali Peterman

Overview

A real-world, one-of-a-kind resource for anyone who has ever been underestimated, overlooked, or misunderstood at the negotiating table.

There's no shortage of negotiation books that advise you to “get to yes,” urge you to “never split the difference,” and push you to “ask for more.” But these one-size-fits-all negotiation techniques disregard the reality of our complex, multifaceted, multicultural world, where snap judgements are made based on perceived differences. When bias lies behind every negotiation, the only constant is you. Learn to leverage who you are-and gain the upperhand.

Negotiating While Black is the indispensable guide that lawyer and mediator Damali Peterman wishes had existed earlier, as she navigated workplaces as the only Black woman, advocated for her children attending predominantly white schools, and mediated countless other bias-ridden settings. Drawing on these experiences together with decades of wisdom as a trained negotiator in high-stakes situations, Peterman has developed successful strategies notably absent from other top negotiation books-tactics that work for all people, no matter your identity. From the Foundational Five skills to the Negotiation Superpowers, these tried-and-true techniques will lift you to the next level of winning.

Whether negotiating in the boardroom or in everyday life, Peterman shows how everything is potentially up for discussion-even when stakes (and emotions) are high. You can't control bias, but by being yourself, you actually have a better shot at getting what you want. Because when you arrive prepared and proud of who you are, you'll reap the rewards.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

One of Essence’s Top 15 Book Picks for Summer 2024

“What sets this book about negotiation apart from others, is its emphasis on applying negotiation in every-day life through a lens of multiculturalism and the unique ways in which negotiation varies depending on the setting….A must-read for a vast spectrum of demographics from moms to teachers, to business owners and beyond.” —Essence

"We are ALL negotiators, whether we realize it or not. Whether we're buying a car, applying for a loan, asking for a raise, or advocating for a loved one, we're negotiating all day, every day. This groundbreaking, powerful book teaches us how to actually ask for what we want—and sidestep any built-in bias we might encounter along the way. In Negotiating While Black, Damali Peterman shows that the only constant in every negotiation is you…and that's more than enough." —Tiffany Aliche, author of Get Good With Money

“Negotiating While Black is a real-world, everyday guide to getting what you want in any situation. Whether you’re trying to haggle for a new car (ugh!) or advocating for yourself and your loved ones, there’s invaluable information in here that will help you show up as yourself—and leverage that to your advantage, every time.” —Sunny Hostin, cohost of The View

“Damali Peterman knows that how we’re perceived can shape our ability to negotiate, so she avoids the one-size-fits-all trap that most negotiation advisors fall prey to. We’re all individuals, so our style needs to reflect what’s true for us—while taking into account the wrongheaded assumptions others may make. Negotiating While Black offers ideas that can help everyone: Distinguishing what you want from what you need, being authentic without oversharing, the how of avoiding defensive spirals that keep us stuck. Damali's insights on getting someone to listen even when they are biased are a revelation. Highly recommended!” —Sally Helgesen, author of How Women Rise

"Negotiating While Black offers essential advice to anyone who has felt underestimated in a negotiation." —Douglas Stone, coauthor of Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback

“Negotiating While Black fills in so many of the gaps in negotiation literature, making something that can often seem esoteric feel practical and doable. Peterman centers the reader, reminding each of us that being ourselves is our greatest superpower. This book is a gift and a guide to anyone who has been underestimated or othered.” —Elaine Lin Hering, author of Unlearning Silence

"When ‘please’ doesn’t cut it anymore and demanding is not the right move, Negotiating While Black is the book you want. It shows you the way to ask with a velvet fist. Should you miss it? Absolutely not." —North Dallas Gazette

Product Details

BN ID:	2940159561435
Publisher:	Penguin Random House
Publication date:	06/04/2024
Edition description:	Unabridged
Sales rank:	1,161,526

Read an Excerpt

1.

Negotiation Isn't the Same for Everyone

Why One-Size-Fits-All Negotiation Fails

It happened again.

I needed to buy a new car and was prepared-and expected-to get the best deal possible. I had learned the secrets from top-selling negotiation books: William Ury and Roger Fisher told me I can "get to yes" by "getting past no," Alexandra Carter reminded me to "ask for more," and Chris Voss told me to "never split the difference," even giving me a specific script to use for my car-buying scenario. I'd completed an eight-week online Negotiation Mastery course at Harvard Business School. Plus, I had a successful career as a lawyer and a mediator, using my own hard-won negotiation skills day in and day out to get the best results for my clients. I walked into the dealership confident, informed, and excited. I knew what I wanted, I knew what price I needed, and I had the tools to succeed. What could go wrong?

Everything.

When the salesman quoted a too-high price, I mirrored Voss's tactical empathy strategy, pursed my lips, lowered my voice, and replied, "That sounds great, but I'm sorry I can't do that."

The salesman froze.

"OK," he said. And that was it. Nothing followed-no counteroffer, no further conversation. (And this was well before car shortages and supply-chain issues caused by the global COVID-19 pandemic emboldened car dealers to stick to the manufacturer's suggested retail price because supply and demand was in their favor. Old-fashioned haggling over numbers was still the norm.) But he refused to negotiate with me. He wasn't even giving me a "Let me see what I can do" type of OK. It was just a resigned shrug.

It was the same shrug I saw him exchange with another salesman when I walked in, as if he had drawn the short straw to have to attend to me. I was dressed quite nicely, but not over the top. I'd walked into the dealership that day ready to buy. What could he possibly be thinking? Why wouldn't he negotiate with me?

Wait. Did he actually believe that I couldn't afford this car? Voss's book didn't quite anticipate that scenario. So I persisted, feeding him the lines I had expected to hear from him.

"Why don't you talk to your manager and see what he can do," I suggested, "because I really like this car."

A few minutes later the nonplussed salesman came back with his offer: "My manager is feeling generous today. He's going to take off . . . $250."

Two hundred and fifty dollars off a new car? That's it? The shoes I was wearing that day cost more than that discount. Still following my script, I replied, "I'm happy your manager is in a generous mood today, but that isn't the price I had in mind. Is there anything else you can do?"

He did the obligatory walk to the back office and returned with a "That's the best we can do." There was no negotiation. No engagement. He never even asked me what I wanted to pay. Our conversation was over. With that, he let me, or rather encouraged me, to leave the lot empty handed. So I did.

As I thought about it later, I realized he had truly believed me when I said I couldn't meet his price. It was one of the most confusing conversations I'd ever had, and I have conducted negotiations everywhere from rainforests in Heredia, hostels in Vienna, and clothing manufacturers in Shanghai to markets in Accra, boardrooms in Mexico City, and universities in Ahmedabad. As CEO and founder of BreakthroughADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution), a global conflict resolution company, I find myself smack in the middle of conflict daily. I know how to negotiate. But somehow, when it came to this kind of real-world, everyday negotiation, I abandoned my instincts and followed someone else's script. Why didn't it work for me?

Because at the end of the day, when I step into a negotiation, there are different forces at work than there are for people like Chris Voss, Roger Fisher, William Ury, Alexandra Carter, and many of the other smart, accomplished, and well-respected voices in the negotiation space.

Of course this plan didn't work! Why? Because I was negotiating while Black. And as a woman. And as a young(ish!) person. And as a whole bunch of other characteristics that are specific to me. For as much wisdom and insight as those books offered, I was facing a kind of implicit bias that the scripts in the other negotiation books just didn't consider. Those strategies failed me because they didn't address the additional hurdle (or several) that I have to overcome before I can even show up as my authentic self at the negotiating table.

I needed a different game plan.

Why One-Size-Fits-All Negotiation Fails

Of course, this isn't a situation that's unique to me. If you've ever gone into a car dealership-or sought to lease or buy a property, discussed your salary, or attempted to buy anything from a street vendor-and tried to negotiate with some standardized bag of tricks (only to come out with subpar results), you are not alone. And that's not just my opinion-it's been proven time and time again in various industries.

In a 1995 Yale University study, Professor Ian Ayres trained thirty-six participants-some Black, some white; some male, some female-to negotiate in a similar manner for a new car. They visited more than two hundred car dealerships in Chicago, armed with a script they had to recite as they negotiated with the salespeople to buy a vehicle. What do you think happened?

Across the board, Black and female buyers received higher initial offers . . . and the salespeople were less willing to budge on that number during negotiation. Ayres speculated that many salespeople were operating with a predetermined stereotype that Black people and women are less knowledgeable and are unskilled negotiators, so they would be more willing to say yes to a higher price-that is, if the dealers believed they could afford the car to begin with. The prospective buyers all used the same script, but the same script doesn't work for everyone . . . because negotiation is not the same for everyone.

That was my experience, too. The basic negotiation scripts I tried out that day in the car dealership fell flat when they came out of my mouth because those scripts were not written with me or people who look like me in mind. For instance, one popular book tells readers to adopt a "late-night FM DJ" voice during tense moments in a negotiation-in other words, to sound vulnerable and deferential, even in a high-stakes conversation. I can see how this approach might work for a white man, and perhaps all other men, because let's face it, this is a disarming, radically different approach than the blustering, brash negotiating stance that we are used to seeing in a patriarchal society. But for a woman, the late-night FM DJ voice risks sounding . . . well, seductive. For a Black woman, it risks feeding directly into stereotypes of the "oversexualized" jezebel. By speaking like this, I felt like I was putting myself in a precarious and weakened position. It wasn't me. And it just felt wrong.

Another popular negotiation book suggests using "negotiation jujitsu" to redirect positional statements and attacks against you. As the martial art in the technique's name implies, the authors tell you that when the person on the other side of the negotiation announces a firm position, criticizes you, and-wait for it-even attacks you, you are not supposed to engage. Rather, you should redirect. In theory, maybe that's valid. In practice, it equates to doing . . . nothing. The guidance in the book says do not push back, do not defend yourself, and do not counterattack. But here's the truth of the matter: marginalized people have never accomplished anything without pushing back, defending themselves, and strategically counterattacking with boycotts, marches, lobbying, and other methods. Lack of engagement in any context, to me, doesn't feel natural or authentic.

What if Black homeowners Paul Austin and Tenisha Tate-Austin had tried employing negotiation jujitsu when a real estate appraiser undervalued their home based on their race? In a widely covered story in early 2023, the Austins sought an appraisal of their Californian home to help them refinance their mortgage. When their appraisal came back well below market value, they were flabbergasted. Doing nothing would have cost them the opportunity to secure the loan for the upgrades they intended to make. "Not engaging" sounds great in theory, but in practice, negotiation jujitsu fails when there is bias embedded in the system. The Austins took a different approach.

Instead of employing negotiation jujitsu, Paul and Tenisha pushed back, and pushed back hard. They removed all family photos from the home and had a white family pretend that the house was theirs when the new appraiser came. The result? The new appraisal for their family home came in approximately $500,000 higher than their initial one-just as they knew it should.

You can't look behind positions if there is a smoke screen. You have to defend who you are and your ideas, especially when you are being gaslit.

You can't always assume that people are being genuine. You have to trust your instincts.

Negotiation advice has to reflect the multicultural society that we live in and suggest nuanced techniques that are applicable to everyone, especially those of us who were overlooked in prior negotiation books.

I don't know about you, but I was tired of following negotiation scripts that were not designed with me in mind. Wasn't there a way I could be authentically myself-a calm, funny, occasionally inappropriate, but always thoughtfully considerate woman-and still negotiate effectively for myself, my family, and my clients?

I knew there could be. Because I do it every day.

I run my own global conflict resolution firm where, by providing training, mediation, and consulting, I help thousands of clients and individuals negotiate to get the results they want. I teach mediation at Howard University School of Law, I've served on the board of and as a trainer for New York Peace Institute, and I am a member of the President's Leadership Council for the international peace-building powerhouse Search for Common Ground. Over the years, I have been a part of negotiations that impact many aspects of your life-from the chips you eat, to the drinks you consume, to the beauty products you use, to the engine in your car, to your computer cloud storage, and to the electronics on your desk. I have even trained hundreds of New York City police officers to use their words instead of their weapons to de-escalate conflict. Negotiation is my life.

But get this: I don't negotiate or teach negotiations using the same old bag of tricks that we've always been taught. Heck, I probably don't use the same tricks that YOU do, even if you're also Black and female. In this book, you will get my playbook on how to negotiate in real life-if you're Black, yes, but also if you're simply someone who has realized that the cookie-cutter negotiation playbook doesn't work for you.

This book is for everyone and anyone who has been underestimated at the negotiating table, and for those who have tried the "traditional" pathways in bargaining and haven't found consistent success. There's a reason for that: you can't use a one-size-fits-all negotiation style when we are not one-size-fits-all people. People want to be seen as equal, but everything isn't equal. The only constant in every negotiation is you. This book prepares you to show up in the world ready to negotiate authentically as you. It turns out you can negotiate as yourself and win! I'll show you how.

You Are the Constant in Any Negotiation

As a Black woman, I've been underestimated at many negotiations, from boardrooms and bazaars to corporate offices and, yes, car dealerships. That's what's missing from most advice, which assumes that everyone is at the same starting line when you enter a negotiation and ignores the reality of racial bias, among other kinds of preconceptions. Regardless of preparation, skill, and education, for the Black, Indigenous, (and) People of Color (BIPOC) negotiator, there is always more at stake than deal terms. Not to mention the additional pressure you feel to do well because you want to keep the door open for others who look like you to have similar opportunities.

There are books on negotiation. There are books on gender. There are books on race. Where has the book been for people who face biases both blatant and implicit in negotiations every day? Why hasn't there been a book for people who feel like the plain-vanilla approach to negotiating did not or does not work for them? All the bestselling negotiation books on the market have solid, research-backed tips and varying degrees of success when used by white cisgender men (and perhaps some white women), but none of them scratch the surface when contemplating what a Black person is thinking and experiencing when they are negotiating.

From a bird's-eye view, this book is not about what makes us different. This book is about how as a whole we-Black people, people of color, women, and other people who check a box that makes them feel othered-have been excluded from the narrative when it comes to negotiating in real life. Until now, no one has attempted to explore the intersectionality of identity, bias, and negotiation while providing personal and professional skill-building tips in a book.

Before we go any further, I know that "Black identity" is not monolithic and that there is as much diversity within the African diaspora as there is outside it. I also know that not all people of color feel the same way, and to reference a quote that is commonly attributed in some variation to Zora Neale Hurston, Brackette Williams, and many black elders, "All skinfolk ain't kinfolk.'' Even within the Black community, we all have individual superpowers and snags. And for the record, I do not speak for all Black people everywhere, nor do I want to. I am also not speaking only to Black people in this book. I wrote this book for YOU, whether you are Black, white, Native, Latinx, Asian, Middle Eastern, female, male, or a member of the LGBTQIA+ family. Drawing on my decades of negotiation training and advising across different cultures, I have developed successful negotiation approaches that will help you become the best negotiator that you can be, while keeping in mind that the way that you show up in the world and your values and beliefs impact your negotiations.

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