Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts

by Daniel Shapiro

Overview

“One of the most important books of our modern era” –Amb. Jaime de Bourbon

For anyone struggling with conflict, this book can transform you. Negotiating the Nonnegotiable takes you on a journey into the heart and soul of conflict, providing unique insight into the emotional undercurrents that too often sweep us out to sea. With vivid stories of his closed-door sessions with warring political groups, disputing businesspeople, and families in crisis, Daniel Shapiro presents a universally applicable method to successfully navigate conflict.  A deep, provocative book to reflect on and wrestle with, this book can change your life.
 
Be warned: This book is not a quick fix. Real change takes work. You will learn how to master five emotional dynamics that can sabotage conflict outside your awareness:

1. Vertigo: How can you avoid getting emotionally consumed in conflict?
2. Repetition compulsion: How can you stop repeating the same conflicts again and again?
3. Taboos: How can you discuss sensitive issues at the heart of the conflict?
4. Assault on the sacred: What should you do if your values feel threatened?
5. Identity politics: What can you do if others use politics against you?

In our era of discontent, this is just the book we need to resolve conflict in our own lives and in the world around us.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780143110170
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	03/07/2017
Pages:	352
Sales rank:	386,687
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Daniel L. Shapiro is a world renowned expert on the psychology of conflict resolution. Named one of Harvard’s top 15 professors by The Harvard Crimson, he founded and directs the Harvard International Negotiation Program and regularly advises everyone from hostage negotiators to families in crisis, disputing CEOs to clashing heads of state.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Why This Book? xiii

Section 1 Why Do We Get Stuck in Conflict?

1 Emotionally Charged Conflicts Are Hard to Resolve 3

2 Identity Matters (More Than You Think) 5

3 Is Identity Negotiable? 13

4 How to Avoid Getting Lured into Conflict 26

Section 2 How to Break Free

5 Stop Vertigo Before It Consumes You 35

6 Resist the Repetition Compulsion 55

7 Acknowledge Taboos 75

8 Respect the Sacred-Don't Assault It 97

9 Use Identity Politics to Unify 119

Section 3 How to Reconcile Relations

10 Bridging the Divide: A Four-Step Method 141

11 Uncover the Mythos of Identity 149

12 Work Through Emotional Pain 173

13 Build Crosscutting Connections 186

14 Reshape the Relationship 204

Section 4 How to Negotiate the Nonnegotiable

15 Manage Dialectics 219

16 Foster the Spirit of Reconciliation 239

Acknowledgments 241

Appendices 247

Notes 253

Select Bibliography 309

Index 323

Additional Resources 333

Editorial Reviews

A masterpiece—clear, insightful, and practical. . . . Highly recommended!”
—William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes and author of Getting to Yes with Yourself

“Quite simply, the best book I have ever read on negotiating in situations of extreme conflict.”
—Matthew Bishop, The Economist Group

“Brilliant insights to the baffling conundrum of our age, intractable disputes of all kinds.”
—Daniel Goleman, author Emotional Intelligence

"Excellent."
—David Brooks, The New York Times

“Shapiro exposes the myth that humans are primarily rational in their decision making. . . . More importantly, he discusses the conflicts between good and bad that take place in all of us. . . . The world has been enriched with another intelligent lecture on how we should interact with each other. Hopefully this time we will listen.”
—Forbes

“Daniel Shapiro gives you the tools to transform yourself.”
—Rick Kleffel (KQED), Rainbow Light blog

“I have recommended Shapiro’s book more than any other book I have read in quite some time.”
—PsychCentral   

“A blueprint for successful negotiation.”
—Booklist

“Appealing to rationality isn’t always the best way to mend a rift; instead, both parties in a negotiation have to be willing to get in touch with the conflict’s more emotional underpinnings. In his book, Negotiating the Nonnegotiable [Shapiro] shares the strategies he’s used to help people in all kinds of settings access the core emotions driving their conflicts and reach mutually beneficial resolutions.”
—Business Insider
 
“A must-read! Dan Shapiro’s Negotiating the Nonnegotiable offers bold, practical, and uplifting advice to reduce the turmoil of conflict and foster reconciliation in your professional and personal life.”
—Michael Wheeler, Harvard Business School

“Daniel Shapiro provides us with one of the most optimistic and compelling approaches to conflict resolution of our time.”
—Howard W. Buffett, Lecturer in International and Public Affairs, Columbia University

“With telling examples from the bedroom to the boardroom to the war room, this book gives us something invaluable—a way both to see the perils of identity conflict in negotiation and to avoid them.”
—Robert Cialdini, Author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

“Negotiating the Nonnegotiable is one of the most important books of our modern era.”
—Jaime de Bourbon de Parme, Ambassador of the Netherlands to the Holy See

“A life-changing book!  If you are going to read one book this year to improve your life, choose Negotiating the Nonnegotiable.”
—Simona Baciu, Founder and President, Transylvania College

“A modern masterpiece! Bold and compelling from the first page. . . . Every leader should read it and live by it.”
—Katherine Garrett-Cox, CEO, Alliance Trust Investments

“Negotiating the Nonnegotiable is sure to be required reading for diplomats and peace-builders alike."
—Nancy Lindborg, President, United States Institute of Peace

“Those seeking peaceful resolutions should keep this book on a bedside table.”
—David Gergen, former White House adviser; Co-director, Center for Public Leadership, Harvard Kennedy School of Government

From the Publisher

04/15/2016
Shapiro (founder & director, Harvard International Negotiation Program; psychology, Harvard Medical Sch./McLean Hospital; affiliate faculty, Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law Sch.) offers a scholarly book that the nonspecialized reader will understand. Written in a practical style and well organized, it attempts to address the emotional forces that cause conflict. It also suggests methods and tools to overcome discord and restore cooperation in fields from international diplomacy to familial disputes. Shapiro has conducted extensive research on the origins of disagreement and potential solutions; his suggestions for reconciliation range from simple to complex scenarios. His text is enhanced with extensive notes and appendixes as well as a useful bibliography. Index not seen. VERDICT While a bit technical, this book provides insight into strategies of conflict negotiation that can be applied at several levels.—Littleton Maxwell, Robins Sch. of Business, Univ. of Richmond

Library Journal