Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard
144
Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard
144Paperback
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Overview
"John Kerry backed Iraq, John Kerry took it back," making him "a very airy, wary hara-kiri." Bill Bennett, "independent, Kept a hidden secret muse. He would clutch his lucky pendant, Praying, 'Papa needs new shoes!'" As for Iraq, "When you lose, you lose, and when you win, you win, and when you can't tell win from lose, best stop the war you're in." No one is safe from Seely's wicked muse: Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, virtually every news anchor, and a good portion of the Hollywood elite are skewered unforgettably by Seely's Mother Goosequills in this irreverent and hilarious collection.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781439167212 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Free Press |
| Publication date: | 03/25/2009 |
| Pages: | 144 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.00(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.40(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
"I know an old party that swallowed a war
Don't know what for, it swallowed a war"
The White House
Mother Bush had a house,
'Twas built in the glades,
Where she worked all day,
Employing her maids.
She had a son, George,
A fine-looking male,
He was not very bright,
But still made it to Yale.
He launched a career,
To the White House he got;
"See, Mother," said he,
"I have not been for naught."
But George knew one matter,
That bothered his mom,
Folks still blamed his father
For botching Saddam.
He vowed that his father
Would yet be revered,
And he crafted a plan
So his dad would be cleared.
And George kept his vow,
As his mom knew he would.
He screwed up so badly,
His father looked good.
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in the tub.
The Cheney, the Rummy, the Commander-in-Dummy,
They all believed they had the will.
They never thought we'd be there, still.
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in the tub.
The Leaker, the Mistaker, the Quagmire-Maker,
They all believed they'd done the math.
They never thought they'd take the bath.
Hear this, all evil tyrants,
As you plot foul attacks:
Condoleezza Rice has pledged
To stop you in your tracks.
She won't use UN sanctions,
She's moved beyond that phase.
Her office uses harsher means
To make you change your ways.
For starters, if she learns about
Your plans to build a bomb,
She'll send out to your neighbors
Doctored photos of your mom.
On wallsof public restrooms
She'll tape your business card.
She'll fill a bag with dog doo,
And then light it in your yard.
She'll call you on your cell phone,
While at a soccer game,
She'll page "Anita Mantokiss"
And have you shout the name.
She'll hand you trick binoculars
That blacken both your eyes.
She'll call up nearby pizza joints,
And send you fifty pies.
She'll shorten up your bed sheet,
And hide your TV clicker,
She'll slip Viagra in your soup,
And water in your liquor.
She'll coat your phone with Super Glue,
And call you every hour.
She'll flush the toilet several times
While you are in the shower.
She'll lead you to a bleacher seat
Where all the paint is wet.
She'll send you a subscription
To the Man/Boy Love Gazette.
So dictators, take notice,
From China to Brazil:
Do not test the U.S.A.!
Just look at Kim Jung Il.
George Tenet, on advice,
Rushed one night to Doctor Rice,
Somewhere near the Senate,
Poor George Tenet.
George Tenet, businesslike,
Said Bin Laden planned a strike,
So did he present it.
Poor George Tenet.
George Tenet walked away,
Nothing did she hear him say,
All he did was vent it.
Poor George Tenet.
George Tenet, now outside,
Has a medal, yet no pride.
He did not prevent it.
Poor George Tenet.
Itsy-bitsy Scooter
Climbed up the oval spout,
Down came the leaks
That brought the agent out.
Out came the probe
That tried to find the blame,
And the itsy-bitsy Scooter
Climbed up the spout again.
Itsy-bitsy Scooter,
Went up into the Mall,
Down came the word,
That he would take the fall.
Out came the trial
That played across the land,
And the itsy-bitsy Scooter,
Declined to take the stand.
Itsy-bitsy Scooter
Went up the legal route,
Down came the verdict:
Guilt, beyond a doubt.
Down went the aide
To suffer in the end;
And the itchy-twitchy Cheney,
Had shot another friend.
The king is delighted.
Rove's not indicted!
Go tell the queen.
They found Karl clean!
The king is elated,
Our beloved Rove skated!
Go tell the Speaker.
Karl's not the leaker!
The king is in clover.
Rove's ordeal is over!
Party tomorrow.
It's a great day for Karl!
The king's in a flurry.
Rove won't face a jury!
Break out the ale.
Karl's not going to jail!
Feel the excitement.
No Rove indictment!
Everyone, sing.
Karl's still our king!
Hey, ho! Tony Snow!
How long does your bony nose grow?
An inch for tax rates on upper classes,
An inch when you discuss greenhouse gasses.
An inch for torture as terror prevention,
An inch when you scrap the Geneva Convention.
An inch for budgets and jobless data,
A foot when you link Iraq to al-Qaeda.
An inch for Clinton, Kerry, and Gore,
A mile when you claim we're winning the war.
It grows every question and every rebuttal.
When you look up, you can sniff the space shuttle.
This young man, he played one.
He played knick knack from Vietnam,
With a Guard-track, dodge-the-draft,
Leave the boy alone.
This young man stayed safe at home.
This young man, he played two.
College classes sliding through,
With the Skull-and-Bones, frat-clones,
Pour the boy a brew.
This young man went driving stewed.
This young man, he played three.
High in Harken Energy,
With a quick-drop, ditch-the-stock,
Dodge the SEC.
This young man got off scot-free.
This young man, he played four.
Major league investment score.
With a big-wheel, insider-deal,
Give the boy his dream:
Owner of a baseball team.
This young man, he played five.
Led the "Build a Ballpark!" drive.
With a kickback, special-tax,
Line up is the best,
Also-rans in A.L. West.
This young man, he played six
Sold the team to Thomas Hicks.
With Clear Channel, money-funnels,
Texas needs his flare,
He's "Governor Electric Chair."
This young man, he played seven.
Has a backer up in heaven.
With the right-wing, Christian thing,
He's the favored Son.
This young man took Washington.
This young man, he played eight.
Sent the Army to Kuwait,
With a yellow-cake, total fake,
We'll win it in a walk.
This young man attacked Iraq.
This young man, he played nine.
New Orleans would be just fine.
With a Cat-4, at-the-door,
Counting up the dead.
Frowned when he flew overhead.
This young man, he played ten.
In Iraq and Afghanistan,
With a knick, knack, paddy whack,
A double Vietnam.
This young man's come rolling home.
Copyright © 2007 by Hart Seely
Table of Contents
1. I know an old party that swallowed a war
Don't know what for, it swallowed a war.
The White House
2. This little lobby went to Hastert
This little lobby tried Blunt."
Congress
3. Clarence Thomas went to town
Dressed in his judicial gown.
The Court
4. Gores see polls and Doles see polls
And Lindsey Grahams see Bidens.
Candidates
5. London Bridge might be falling down!
Falling down! Falling down!
Media
6. Eighty deaths hath September
Sixty more in November.
Iraq
7. Diddle, diddle dumpling, my son John
Talks online with his congressman.
Issues
8. Halle Berry, shave a pig
How many films in that X-Man wig?
Celebrities
9. Peter Pace picked a peck of pickled problems.
Coda
Acknowledgments