Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters

by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier Glynn

Overview

With Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of the smash #1 bestseller Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters—and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy.

In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence, and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.

Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse. 

Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests. 

Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062204363
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	10/21/2014
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	77,609
Product dimensions:	5.20(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Susan Forward, PhD, is an internationally renowned therapist, lecturer, and author. Her books include the number-one New York Times bestsellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents. In addition to her private practice, she has served as a therapist, instructor, and consultant in numerous Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Part I Identifying the Mother Wound

1 The Taboo of Questioning Your Mother's Love: "Don't you dare say anything had about your mother." 13

2 The Severely Narcissistic Mother: "But what about me?" 24

3 The Overly Enmeshed Mother: "You are my whole life." 51

4 The Control Freak Mother: "Because I said so." 69

5 Mothers Who Need Mothering: "I depend on you to take care of everything." 87

6 Mothers Who Neglect, Betray, and Batter: "You're always causing trouble." 105

Part II Healing the Mother Wound

7 The Beginnings of Truth: "I'm starting to see it wasn't all my fault." 139

8 Acknowledging the Painful Feelings: "It feels so good to get it all out." 156

9 Tapping the Wisdom in Your Anger and Grief: "I'm ready to face the feelings I've pushed down for so long." 171

10 Change Your Behavior, Change Your Life: "I see that change is really hard, but not changing is harder." 192

11 Setting Boundaries: "I would never have believed I had the right to say no." 206

12 Deciding What Kind of Relationship You Want Now: "I finally feel like an adult." 222

13 The Most Difficult Decision: "It's come down to a choice between my mother and my well-being." 242

14 Old, Sick, or Alone: The Suddenly Dependent Mother: "I have to be there for her. After all, she is still my mother." 253

Coda: Connecting, at Last, with the Good Mother 263

Acknowledgments 271

Suggested Reading 273

Index 275

Editorial Reviews

Once again Susan Forward has identified an important issue that has been calling out for her expertise and unique perspective. This landmark book is powerful, accessible and extremely supportive - just what women need! Her case examples are riveting, her techniques are brilliant and her wisdom is poignant.

Beverly Engel

08/12/2013
In this powerful guide, Forward (Toxic Parents) offers a lifeline for those who have suffered through a dysfunctional relationship with a parent. After defining and describing the five most common types of abusive mothers (overly enmeshed; severely narcissistic; control freak; mothers who need mothering; and those who are physically and/or emotionally abusive) Forward gets to work showing adult daughters how to address the negative beliefs that grew from an unhealthy upbringing. With empathy, she assures those who suffer that the abuse is unequivocally not their fault and offers a series of exercises designed to reveal the truth of the situation, acknowledge the pain, learn to set boundaries, and break self-defeating patterns. In a particularly sensitive area, Forward addresses the issue of incest and mothers who have been complicit in such abuse, urging incest victims to seek professional therapy. While this title is labeled as a guide for women whose mothers are unable to love, its sound advice is applicable to persons of any gender. And while readers may be overwhelmed with painful memories at some junctures—an eventuality Forward expects and addresses—this book should be considered required reading for anyone who had an abusive childhood. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

Susan Forward has saved millions of lives with her profound wisdom that children raised by abusive parents need not “forgive and forget” to heal and move on to happy, healthy lives. . . . A powerful guide to self healing.

Carole H. Brower

I know so many women who will feel enormously grateful for Mothers Who Can’t Love, and rightly so. This thoughtful and thorough book will validate their feelings and their stories, and even more important will offer invaluable and empowering wisdom.

Mira Kirshenbaum

A riveting, compassionate guide to helping women transcend the wounds inflicted by their rejecting or abusive mothers.

Janis Abrahms Spring

A riveting, compassionate guide to helping women transcend the wounds inflicted by their rejecting or abusive mothers.” %COMM_CONTRIB%Janis Abrahms Spring

★ 11/15/2013
Therapist and author Forward (Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them) provides validation and support for women who have experienced criticism, competition, damaged trust, role reversal, and other wounding behaviors from their mothers. The book thoroughly describes the various personality types of unloving mothers: narcissists, overly enmeshed mothers, control freaks, those who need mothering themselves, and those who fail to protect their daughters from abuse. Forward validates the reader's feelings and presents effective coping mechanisms, offering suggestions on setting boundaries, negotiating for a better relationship, being assertive, and cutting off a parent entirely, if necessary. VERDICT Highly recommended for women looking to address problems with their mothers.

Library Journal

Therapist Forward (Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage, 2001, etc.) explains how recognizing the reality of an abusive mother-daughter relationship is a necessary first step in dealing with psychological problems. The author dismisses the assertion that "giving birth makes [women] inherently capable of nurturing." Using anecdotal material, she illustrates different types of toxic mothering: a narcissistic, self-absorbed mother who insists on being the center of attention, deflates her daughter's accomplishments and is super-critical; or an "engulfing mother" who is "desperate, clinging and restrictive." Too often, a daughter cannot face the possibility that her mother does not love her and instead internalizes her mother's message that it is her shortcomings that are poisoning the relationship. "The smiles and good opinion of her all-powerful mother mean everything to the dependent daughter," she writes. Taking examples from her 35-year clinical practice, Forward shows different techniques for handling these toxic relationships when they persist into adulthood. Among these are confidence-building techniques to help daughters develop insight based on journaling--e.g., compiling one list that contains her mother's false assertions and comparing it to a counter list stating the truth, burning the first list and attaching the second to a balloon. The final step in the healing process is for the daughter to confront her mother directly with nonnegotiable demands about how their relationship must change and be prepared to sever it if these are not met. A crucial part of the process is confronting grief and anger as it arises. Professional help may or may not be necessary, depending on the circumstances. A useful challenge to accepted wisdom about the normally taboo subject of mother love, with helpful tips on how to jump-start the healing process.

Kirkus Reviews