Merv Hughes' Best Sporting Insults: A Collection of Killer Lines from Our Favourite Aussie Sports
208
Merv Hughes' Best Sporting Insults: A Collection of Killer Lines from Our Favourite Aussie Sports
208eBook
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781742692067 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Allen & Unwin Pty., Limited |
| Publication date: | 12/01/2010 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 208 |
| File size: | 475 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Merv Hughes' Best Sporting Insults
A Collection of Killer Lines from our Favourite Aussie Sports
By Daniel Pace
Allen & Unwin
Copyright © 2010 Merv HughesAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74269-206-7
CHAPTER 1
CRICKET
* * *
Fast bowler Dennis Lillee once referred to the arrogant Yorkshire opening batsman Geoff Boycott as:
... the only fellow I've met who fell in love with himself at an early age and has remained faithful ever since.
Looks like Oscar Wilde was right when he said: 'To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.'
* * *
Variously attributed to English cricketers Greg Thomas and Steve Watkin, the following sledge was also used by South African all-rounder Shaun Pollock on Ricky Ponting after his bowling had beaten Ponting's bat on a number of occasions:
It's red, it's round and weighs about five ounces.
Ponting, who hit the next ball out of the ground, jibed:
You know what it looks like, go and find it.
* * *
In June 2009, Shane Warne bagged Paul Collingwood's unimaginative captaincy of England during a Twenty20 world championship in England with the suggestion:
I think he was too busy trying to drive his Aston Martin and fly around in helicopters.
Doesn't sound too bad to me!
* * *
West Indies fearsome paceman Malcolm Marshall was bowling to Australian batsman David Boon when he asked:
Now, David, are you going to get out or am I going to have to go around the wicket and kill you?
* * *
THE MERV HUGHES FILE
Here are a few of my more memorable sledges from over the years ...
* * *
Sometimes young cricketers have to learn the hard way. This particular batsman had played and missed a thousand times. I couldn't resist.
How about I bowl you a f**king piano you poof, see if you can play that!
* * *
And it's not just the young, inexperienced ones who need the odd push. English batsman Robin Smith had also played and missed several times during the 1989 Ashes Test at Lord's. I was getting frustrated and observed:
You can't f**king bat, mate.
Smith smacked the next ball to the boundary and replied:
Hey, Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat and you can't f**king bowl.
* * *
In the MCG Test against Pakistan in January 1990, Javed Miandad decided to try to upset me by calling me
a bus driver
every time I bowled to him in both innings. I couldn't get him out, so I couldn't have a go back. Eventually in the next Test in Adelaide, in the second innings, I rolled him.
My send off for him:
Tickets, please!
* * *
I was playing against the legendary Viv Richards in a Test in the West Indies. I was sussing him out, not saying a word to Richards but continuing to stare at him after deliveries. Richards became agitated at the silent treatment.
Don't you be staring at me, man. Get back and bowl. This is my island. This is my culture. Don't you be staring at me. You have no right to be staring.
I dismissed Richards with my fifth ball, and decided to teach him a bit about the Aussie character.
In my culture we say 'f**k off.
* * *
English batsman Graeme Hick was being a bit slow one day, so I told him:
Mate, if you just turn your bat over, you'll find the instructions on the other side.
* * *
And I think I confused England's skipper Michael Atherton with my sledging, as he once commented:
I couldn't make out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with 'arsewipe'.
* * *
Once when I was being hit to all parts of the ground by South Africa's skipper Hansie Cronje, I decided to make things more difficult for him. I stopped halfway down the pitch and broke wind, saying:
Let's see you hit that to the boundary!
* * *
Fast bowler Jeff Thomson was a bit put out after missing selection for the 1981 tour of England. He commented:
I've always thought the selectors were a bunch of idiots. All they've done now is confirm it.
At least he was proved right!
* * *
The ever-opinionated Thomson also gave his two-cents on the English in 1987.
I dunno. Maybe it's that tally-ho-lads attitude. You know, 'there'll always be an England', all that Empire crap they dish out. But I never could cop Poms.
* * *
Sledging isn't new. During the infamous Bodyline series in 1932, English captain Douglas Jardine congratulated his fast bowler Harold Larwood, after he hit Australia's captain Bill Woodfull over the heart, with the words:
Well bowled, Harold.
* * *
Also during the Bodyline series the legendary 'Yabba' shouted this remark from The Hill at the Sydney Cricket Ground, teasing England's captain for swatting the local wildlife:
Leave our flies alone, Jardine, they're the only friends you've got here.
* * *
Vic Richardson, Australia's vice-captain in the Bodyline series, responding to Douglas Jardine's complaint that a slip fielder had sworn at him:
All right, which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?
* * *
During an Ashes Test match in the 1960s, legendary English fast bowler Fred Trueman was fielding close to the gate from the pavilion. As a new Aussie batsman wandered on to the pitch, he turned around to shut the gate behind him. Trueman remarked:
Don't bother shutting it, son, you won't be out there long enough.
* * *
A young batsman once said to Fred Trueman:
That was a very good ball, Fred.
Fred replied, without missing a beat:
Aye, and it was wasted on you.
* * *
English cricketer David Steele commenting to Australian wicketkeeper Rod Marsh during an Ashes Test:
Take a good look at this arse of mine, you'll see plenty of it this summer.
* * *
Poor old Warnie was always being given schtick about his weight. As South African batsman Daryll Cullinan, who was renowned for being Shane Warne's bunny, passed Warne on his way to the wicket, Shane took the opportunity to announce that he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate Darryll. Cullinan replied:
Looks like you've spent it eating.
Cullinan again to a beefy Warne during a one-day international in Sydney:
Go and deflate yourself, you balloon.
* * *
England's captain Graham Gooch's comment after Shane Warne's 'ball of the century' in the first Test of the 1993 Ashes series, which England's portly batsman Mike Gatting missed:
If it had been a cheese roll it would never have got past him.
* * *
Shane Warne was famously blamed when Channel Nine's microphones picked up someone muttering:
Can't bowl, can't throw
about Queensland fast bowler Scott Muller during the second Test between Australia and Pakistan in 1999. But cameraman Joe Previtera eventually came forward and admitted that he, rather than Warne, had criticised Muller.
* * *
South African opener Gary Kirsten revealed how Shane Warne nicknamed him after an embarrassing incident when Kirsten tried to chat up a group of women at a trots meeting in Adelaide in 1994, unaware they were the wives of the Australian players. Kirsten knew he was in for a ribbing. The taunts started the next day when Shane Warne, setting his field, said loudly to Ian Healy:
How are we going to get out Tom Cruise today?
There followed an unrelenting roasting for the next twenty minutes.
* * *
Australian wicketkeeper Timothy Zoehrer was taking guard to bat against English spinner Phil Edmonds, who is married to best-selling author Frances Edmonds, and thought he would try having a dig at Edmonds' self-confidence with the comment:
At least I have an identity. You're only Frances Edmonds' husband.
* * *
Former Australian skipper Bob Simpson insulted opener Geoff Boycott, as he strode out to make his debut for England, wearing glasses, at Trent Bridge. Simpson said to fast bowler Graham McKenzie:
Look at this four-eyed f**ker. He can't f**king bat, knock those f**king glasses off him straight away.
* * *
Ian Chappell made the following observation in the commentary box: The other advantage England has when Phil Tufnell is bowling, is that he isn't fielding.
* * *
Ian Botham made this comment about Ian Chappell:
Chappell was a coward. He needed a crowd around him before he would say anything. He was sour like milk that had been sitting in the sun for a week.
* * *
Steve Waugh told Ricky Ponting to field close-in after England's skipper Nasser Hussain came to the wicket. Waugh said:
Field at silly point. I want you right under his nose.
Ian Healy chipped in, quick as a flash:
That could be anywhere inside a three-mile radius.
Nasser was out three balls later.
* * *
South Africa's Herschelle Gibbs dropped Aussie skipper Steve Waugh in a match in the 1999 World Cup. Waugh commented:
You've just dropped the World Cup, mate.
The Aussie skipper went on to notch up a match-winning century. Australia then defeated South Africa in the semi-final before winning the tournament.
* * *
England's captain Michael Vaughan wondered aloud to his counterpart Ricky Ponting at the start of the 2005 Ashes series, setting the tone for a series where England, for once, refused to be bullied. Vaughan said:
Who do you think you are, Steve Waugh?
* * *
England's James Ormond, who only ever played two Tests, had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour when he was greeted by Australian batsman Mark Waugh, twin brother of Steve:
Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England.
Ormond didn't flinch:
Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.
* * *
In a Sydney grade match Danny Waugh, brother of Steve and Mark, missed three balls in a row. The bowler glared at him and said:
Surely you must be adopted.
* * *
Mark Waugh was taking an eternity to take guard, asking the umpire for centre, middle and leg during a Sheffield Shield game between New South Wales and South Australia. Waugh stepped away towards leg side and had another look around the field, before checking centre again. Jamie Siddons, considered one of the best batsmen never to have played a Test for Australia, yelled out at slips:
For Christ's sake, it's not a f**king Test match.
Waugh didn't hesitate:
Of course it isn't — you're here.
* * *
Midway through the Trent Bridge Test in the 1989 Ashes series, English batsman Robin Smith requested a glass of water. Australian captain Allan Border's response went along the lines of:
What do you think this is, a f**king tea party?
No, you can't have a f**king glass of water.
You can f**king wait like the rest of us.
I guess he wasn't thirsty after that.
* * *
Australian quick Craig McDermott was dismissed at the WACA in Perth by England's Phil Tufnell during the 1990–91 Ashes series. McDermott responded with:
You've got to bat on this [pitch] in a minute, Tufnell. Hospital food suit you?
* * *
Sri Lankan captain Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney. Ian Healy responded:
You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!
* * *
English opener Michael Atherton, on his first tour to Australia, was adjudged not out on a caught-behind appeal. Ian Healy commented at the end of the over:
You're a f**king cheat.
Atherton shot back:
When in Rome, dear boy.
* * *
Indian all-rounder Ravi Shastri hit the ball towards 12th man Mike Whitney and looked for a single. Whitney fired the ball in.
Whitney:
If you leave the crease I'll break your f**king head.
Shastri:
If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f**king 12th man.
* * *
This was English sports journalist Martin Johnson's summation of Mike Gatting's Ashes touring side in 1986–87:
There are only three things wrong with the English team: they can't bat, can't bowl and can't field.
The only problem was that England went on to bring home the famous urn, winning the series 2–1.
* * *
South African-born England captain Tony Greig had been fielding close in during the 1977 Centenary Test in Melbourne, and was trying to unsettle young Australian batsman David Hookes, who wasn't responding to the taunts. Greig:
When are your balls going to drop, sonny?
Hookes saw an opening:
I don't know, but at least I'm playing cricket for my own country.
Hookes went on to hit Greig for five consecutive fours.
* * *
An Australian supporter in the crowd during a Test match in Sydney in the 1970s yelled out the following sledge to tall English fast bowler Bob Willis:
Oi, Willis, I didn't know they could stack shit that high!
* * *
Australian quick Brad Williams was bowling to Pakistani batsman Inzamam ul-Haq during a tour to Australia, and Inzamam was smashing him all over the park. When Inzamam hit over slips for a boundary, Williams gave him a gobful. Inzamam replied:
I thought you'd turn the ball more at that pace.
* * *
Australian paceman Rodney Hogg was bowling to English all-rounder Ian Botham, who was handling everything Hogg threw at him. Putting in an extra effort, Hogg overbalanced after delivering the ball and fell in front of Botham. Beefy didn't miss a beat.
I know you think I'm great, Hoggy, but no need to get down on your knees.
* * *
A very vocal six-year-old was reported to have shouted this at a Test match when everyone was laying into Australian paceman Mitchell Johnson:
Johnson, I've seen roadkill move faster than you!
An impressive sledging debut!
* * *
The group of touring English cricket fans known as the Barmy Army chanted these lines during the 2002–03 Ashes tour of Australia:
Ball and chain, ball and chain. We came with passport, you with ball and chain.
Not wanting to be outdone, locals responded by singing:
Knick, knack, paddy whack, give a dog a bone. Barmy Army, f**k off home.
* * *
Australian vice-captain Michael Clarke flew home to Sydney midway through a tour to New Zealand to sort out personal issues as his relationship with model Lara Bingle crumbled. A Kiwi fan, recalling a controversial Tourism Australia marketing campaign starring Bingle, had this cheeky message put on a banner during a one-day match between New Zealand and Australia at Seddon Park, Hamilton in March, 2010:
Clarkey, where the bloody hell are ya?
* * *
Dennis Lillee made this sledge while bowling to Mike Gatting at Lilac Hill in Western Australia during the opening match of the 1994–95 Ashes tour:
Hell, Gatt, move out of the way.
I can't see the stumps.
* * *
English first-classer Derek Randall doffed his cap to Dennis Lillee after taking a glancing blow to the head, saying:
No good hitting me there, mate.
Nothing to damage.
* * *
ICC match referee John Reid made the following comment after Australian quick Mitchell Johnson headbutted Kiwi batsman Scott Styris during a heated one-day match in Napier in March 2010:
Generally the Australian team looks good but there are a handful of idiots who need to be reined in. In my time going around the world, Australia was always the worst at sledging. In fact, I'd consider the Chappell brothers to be its architects back in the 1970s.
I think he meant 'best' rather than 'worst'.
* * *
West Indies skipper Chris Gayle described Australian all-rounder Shane Watson, who petulantly celebrated the dismissal of Gayle in a Test in Perth in December 2009, in this way:
He's so easy to get wound up over silly things. Yeah, he's soft. He only looks big and strong but he's soft.
* * *
Nasser Hussain thought Australian opening batsman Justin Langer might have been in the wrong job.
I don't mind this lot chirping at me but you're just the bus driver.
Hey, maybe I could have sold tickets!
* * *
South African-born English cricketer Kevin Pietersen made this low blow to Australian all-rounder Shane Watson, who had just been dumped by his girlfriend:
You're just upset because no one loves you anymore.
* * *
Australian skipper Allan Border expressing his very high opinion of English journalists during a press conference at Hove in 1993:
I am not talking to anyone in the British media ... they are all pr**ks.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Merv Hughes' Best Sporting Insults by Daniel Pace. Copyright © 2010 Merv Hughes. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction by Merv Hughes,Sledging 101 by Daniel Pace,
Cricket,
Rugby Union,
Rugby League,
AFL,
Soccer,
Tennis,
Golf,
Boxing,
Best of the Rest,