Love Lost, Love Found: A Woman's Guide to Letting Go of the Past and Finding New Love
184
Love Lost, Love Found: A Woman's Guide to Letting Go of the Past and Finding New Love
184eBook
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Overview
Turn Heartache into Empowerment
When author Tatiana Jerome had a bad experience with a relationship breakup, she decided to explore her feelings through communicating with other women on social media. By facing her pain and challenges, even acknowledging what she did to contribute to the relationship’s failure, she began to heal and move beyond the broken heart to a better understanding of what would make her happy, and, most of all, of the type of love she deserved. Her insightful posts and blogs went viral, and soon other women were coming to her for advice and support.
Based on Tatiana’s journey and that of other women she has coached, Love Lost, Love Found is a woman-to-woman conversation that nurtures each woman hurting over her breakup by allowing her to let go of her past, find love within herself, and welcome new love into her life. You’ll learn to avoid self-sabotaging behavior and other things on Tatiana’s “drop list,” implement a personal action plan, attend to your physical well-being, and stay connected to your spiritual life. Uplifting and honest, Tatiana helps you ask the difficult questions and face reality while building a better life by prioritizing self-respect, self-care, and self-confidence. You’ll discover that focusing on your own healing, spirituality, and growth is the surest path to leading an extraordinary life and attracting new love.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781608684786 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | New World Library |
| Publication date: | 02/14/2017 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 184 |
| File size: | 536 KB |
About the Author
Tatiana Jerome, turned her personal experience into not just a thriving online presence but a career counseling women and speaking at a variety of organizations, and now into this supportive, insightful book. She lives in Florida.
Read an Excerpt
Love Lost, Love Found
A Woman's Guide to Letting Go of the Past and Finding New Love
By Tatiana Jerome
New World Library
Copyright © 2017 Tatiana JeromeAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60868-478-6
CHAPTER 1
THE FUNDAMENTAL CAN'TS
The moment you start thinking about all the things you did wrong in your relationship, all the things you should have said and done, should have done differently, and should have spotted before they happened, is the moment you've decided to put yourself through misery. Yes, taking responsibility is a big part of the healing process, but failing to recognize his shortcomings and making excuses for him only keeps you in a state of denial.
Whether you allowed him to make you feel a certain way about the state of your relationship or you are choosing to protect his reputation, the fundamental truth is, you only have control over your own actions and words. While certain actions can evoke a variety of responses, both verbal and physical, you cannot control or take the full blame for the demise of the relationship, and nor should you want to. When you do this, you are essentially letting him off the hook and downplaying his role in helping the relationship come to an end.
Even if you decide to examine every single detail of your previous relationship (and I advise against it!), there are a few fundamental can'ts that you should always keep in mind when moving forward in your healing.
1. YOU CAN'T MAKE A MAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. No matter how strong your feelings are for him or how well you cook and clean and love all over him, you cannot make a man fall in love with you. If he is not ready to love you, there is nothing you can do to change that. The amount of energy you used to give to catering to your partner should now be redirected to loving and respecting yourself.
2. YOU CAN'T CHANGE A MAN. Change happens within a person when something tragic occurs, when something amazing happens, or when a person simply wants to change. You cannot nag, beg, or manipulate change to happen in someone else. Any change that occurs within a person, good or bad, is of that person's own doing. If he willingly makes the effort to change an attribute of his behavior to improve himself, it is because he wants to, not because he was forced to.
3. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU'RE TOLD. Words are just that ... words. Without actions to support them, they mean nothing. If someone tells you he loves you but never acts lovingly toward you, why would you believe him? If someone says she is sorry but continues to do the same things for which she claimed she was sorry, how can you believe she is truly sorry? Remember that words market, but action sells.
4. YOU CAN'T RELY ON A SINGLE ACTION. Yes, I know I just said that actions sell, but I'm going to add that actions do not matter as much as patterns. After all, a person can do something once or twice and then choose to stop. It's when actions become a pattern that they really matter. An action that has become a pattern is known as a habit, good or bad. So if he does something for the first time, such as waving his hand in front of your face when he makes a point, and you laugh it off, then he can decide to make a habit out of it. If the first time you step off a sidewalk to cross the street in your five-inch heels he grabs your hand, and you give him a favorable reaction, he can decide to do this again and again until it becomes a habit. But if he does these things once or twice and no more, then you cannot make a judgment call about his true behavior.
5. YOU CAN'T STOP BEING YOU. When you're in a relationship, you should never stop being yourself. Many women who do this fail to realize that their guy met them and liked them for who they are (or at least who they presented themselves to be). Taking on someone else's identity rather than being true to yourself has negative effects not only on your self-esteem but also on your relationships with your family and friends. You should always have interests outside your relationship and continue to improve yourself as an individual.
CHAPTER 2THE ROLLER COASTER OF REACTIONS
Most breakups come with a series of feelings that dictate how we act and that essentially shape our day. You may feel happy one minute and upset the next when a sudden memory from your past relationship floats up. It's okay to feel these feelings. But remember that you base your reactions to situations and people on how you are feeling. Your feelings are just a mirror of the beliefs you hold about your past relationship; how you feel is based on what you believed the relationship was supposed to be. These feelings are not something that can be brushed away, but with a bit of work they can certainly be tamed. Below is a list of emotions you have probably felt at one time or another or are currently feeling:
Angry. Who does he think he is? I can't believe he never apologized. Now he wants to play the victim after everything I've done for him, after all the things I overlooked and forgave him for. My family warned me about him. I lowered my standards in order to date him. I mean, I didn't really want to be with him in the beginning, and this is how he repays me? It's one lie after another. All I did was love him. This is how he is going to treat me? He had no respect for me or this relationship. I put up with so much to make this thing between us work, and all he can think about is his needs. He acts as if he is the only one who matters in this relationship. So everything about our relationship was a lie. Was nothing real to him? How can he be so selfish?
Confused. Is it really over? How did we even get here? Everything was good just a week ago. I thought we were on the same page but just reading it in different languages. I just met his mom and his best friend. What was that all about? Why did he tell me I was his forever? How can he say he loves me but then put all these other things and people before us? Before me? Why did I cry more than I laughed in this relationship? One minute he tells me he knows what he wants, and the next he's saying we're moving too fast. I never asked him to be anyone but himself, and now I'm seeing a whole different person. He told me to wait for him, but now he can't wait for me? He knew who I was and what I was about before we got together, so why is he acting like he can't handle it now?
Stupid. He made such a fool of me in front of our families and friends. I can't believe I let it last this long. I should have been the one to end this relationship. I knew better. I knew the whole time. I refused to listen to anybody but him. I stood up for him, and yet he never changed. He disrespected me and treated my feelings like they were nothing. I should have trusted my intuition. He really thinks I'm that dumb. He's been saying the same thing for so long, and I continued to believe in him. I can't believe I let him play me. Every time he asked for something, I said yes, even when I was too tired or too sick to do it. I made so many sacrifices to help him, no questions asked, and this is the thanks I get. I knew he couldn't be trusted, and I still said yes. I let my guard down for this? For him? What was I thinking?
Indifferent. Here we go again. This is nothing new. I'm over it. It was going to happen anyway. It is what it is. I don't have time to think about him. I have so many other things to focus on. If he calls, he calls; if he doesn't, whatever. It's not like he was my soul mate. I saw this coming but just didn't expect it to happen now. He'll be back. This isn't the first time we've broken up. He always comes back with an excuse. I'm used to this. I'm used to him acting like this. I'm always the mature one in this relationship. It's gotten to the point where I just let him be. I know I can't change him, so I don't even say anything. I don't have the strength for this or for him.
Happy. This is finally over. What a mess I was in! I'm no longer stuck. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I knew I was too good for him. I was too good for that relationship. It was only a matter of time before it came to an end. I can finally move on. I can get back to me. I am in the zone and working on being happy. I get to attend to my needs instead of putting his before mine. I feel like I'm winning. I'm in a good place. This is a different kind of happy. There are no conditions to my happiness now. I feel at peace now. I now know what I want. I know what I want love to look like in my life. I thank God for removing what no longer serves me. I had been holding on way too long, but God rescued me.
Excited. I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'm going to work on all the things I want to improve so that my next relationship will be a hundred times better. I have so much hope and excitement about all the amazing people I'm going to meet. I know I'm ready. I will finally put myself in a real relationship that provides mutual support and love. I can finally take the time to love me and accomplish my goals without wondering what he's up to. I can sleep at night, knowing that no one is playing games with my heart. I'm putting myself in a place to be in a real relationship with someone who will pray with me and for us. I'll put myself in a position where not only will I feel love, but everyone will be able to see our love and not just our issues. I don't need to try to get back together for the eighth time. I get a fresh, new start. I no longer have to worry about him, and he doesn't need to worry about me. I want only to wish him the best.
Crazy. Oh, so he thinks he can end it like this? He doesn't know all the stuff I know about him. I will terrorize him. He doesn't know me. He thought it was bad before; well, wait till he sees how much worse it's about to get. He'd better not be talking to another female on Facebook. He'd better pick up when I call him. I should stop by his workplace and let everyone know what kind of man he really is. I'm protecting all women from men like him. I miss him. Maybe we can work this out. I probably didn't hear right. Nah, that bastard deserves to feel what I'm feeling. I need to let him know exactly who I think he is. I'm going to keep calling till he picks up. Oh, his voice mailbox is full; well, I'll just hit him up on iMessenger.
Defeated. Why didn't I see this coming? I mean, I knew it wasn't going to work out. I should never have texted him. Why do I even feel this way? I never make good choices. I never should have told him I loved him. I never should have lent him money. I never received a thank-you for half the things I did. I mean, why can't he just call me back? What did I ever do to him that he should treat me like this? He always told me I never got it. I was never really his "it" girl. I believed him when he told me to wait on him. When he didn't come home or call me back, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'm the one who needs help.
Understanding Your Feelings and Taking Control
Breakups can bring up every emotion in the book, and we've all been through them. One minute you're just fine, and the next you feel like your world just came tumbling down. The heartache you're feeling just cannot compare to anything else you've felt (outside of something really tragic). You feel alone. Even your ex can't seem to understand your pain. The people around you say they understand and keep telling you that it will get better, but you just can't take in what they are saying. You want to know when. Sometimes, you may even subconsciously enjoy the pain, because it's the only way you feel you can stay connected to your ex. Even during this roller-coaster ride, you feel like you are going crazy and start doing things that are out of character for you. All the things you said you would never do, you find yourself doing and justifying your reasons for doing them. If anyone were to know half the things you were doing or saying, he or she would definitely identify you as crazy. I mean, so crazy that some might even think that you're suffering from a nervous breakdown. One minute you hate him, wondering how he could do this to you, and the next you're texting him, telling him you love him and that you want to work it out, and then if you get no response, you're back to saying he's a joke.
Then you tell yourself you need to focus on you, right? You need to get realigned with who you once were. Like, who does he think he is? How could he end the relationship when you're the one who had every reason to end it? Why didn't you end it? Why didn't you say something? How did he get control over this relationship? And then the game playing starts. Those accidental late-night texts. The things you say at night that you wouldn't say in the clear light of day. This is the period when you're trying to feel him out. You start writing your thesis on iMessenger. You want to find ways to see him, so you communicate with him on social media. You try calling and messaging him and get nothing. Not one response. So this just amps you up even more. Who is he not to respond to you? All these years? All the things you did for him. Everything he said to you. So now you're stalking him on social media, checking out what his friends and family are posting to see if he's having a good time. You're wondering if he's feeling it like you are. And of course, you find nothing to tell you how he's really doing. You just find more reasons to get mad.
As if all that weren't enough, you start wanting to take the blame for the breakup. You start saying things like: "Well, I shouldn't have acted that way. I could have done this better. Yeah, I was wrong for doing that." And then, of course, you feel even more alone and learn that you just have to go through the pain. Nothing is going to make this better, nothing but time and prayer. Some days you're able to get excited about your future, and other days, you can barely make it. Your heart is broken, and now it needs your spirit and mind to help it heal. You have two options: Either you can do nothing and continue to feel this way, or you can move forward, expecting a much brighter future.
Yes, from time to time, you may have relationship flashbacks, and you may have deep heartbreak scars, but those scars just mean you survived, that you know what heartbreak feels like. These scars, and your memories, good and bad, serve to redefine your character and create a much stronger version of you.
When Will This Ever End?
After a breakup, you might wonder if you'll ever feel like yourself again. You're getting sick of all the ups and downs! It has to end, right? Well, for most of us, it's a process. I mean, you can't just turn on and off your emotions like a light switch. A very few people are able to move forward without much pain, but they still had to go through the process. Maybe it just seemed easier, because they went through theprocess while they still had the title of being in a relationship. Perhaps you've broken up with your partner mentally and spiritually but not physically, so on the outside it may look as if you're having an easier time moving forward, but the truth is, you did your suffering while you were still with him.
You keep thinking that with each breakup it will get easier, but it doesn't. As long as you opened yourself up emotionally while you were in the relationship, the heartbreak will be there. Though the darkness of the pain can't seem to go by fast enough, the truth is, the light at the end of the tunnel is actually closer than you think.
How soon you see that light depends on whether you resist moving forward or accept what is happening. If you truly love someone, in the purest sense of the word, you will never stop loving him. You just understand and believe that you deserve better, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to be with him. Your time in each other's lives has come to an end. The next chapter of your life does not involve him. In fact, you can't get to the next chapter while still being focused on him. And vice versa — he can't grow as a person with you. You may want to believe that he can, but right now, he cannot. Sometimes, in order for you to evolve, you need to leave certain things and people behind, and it just so happens that he is one of those people who can no longer have a front-row seat in your life.
Your process needs you to accept that it will take time and prayer. Along the way you will be detoxified; you will be purified by going through all these challenges. You must resist doing certain things, going to certain places, and reacting to certain things you hear. Your mountain to climb comes with a few bumps, rocky paths, snakes, and more, but reaching the top comes with victory and a great perspective. You will have some cloudy days, but eventually all will be clear again.
Any indecisiveness that you had about your relationship will now be replaced by some definitive truths. You will form your own new reality. In this period of detox (more about that later), you will learn to let go of anger, resentment, negative thoughts, self-doubt, and all the things you cannot control. You need to grow stronger, so it's time to give your emotional muscle, as well as your spirit, a good workout. Your belief in love, which you may feel is slipping away, is actually being tested. You'll probably play Beyoncé's recording of "Me, Myself, and I" a thousand times, and that's okay. Right now, it's about you. It's about reconnecting with God and with yourself.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Love Lost, Love Found by Tatiana Jerome. Copyright © 2017 Tatiana Jerome. Excerpted by permission of New World Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENT,PREFACE,
CHAPTER 1: The Fundamental Can'ts,
CHAPTER 2: The Roller Coaster of Reactions,
CHAPTER 3: A Few Maybes: Sixteen Reasons It Didn't Last,
CHAPTER 4: Oops, Did You Almost Do That? Things Not to Do after a Breakup,
CHAPTER 5: Sigh — Starting Over,
CHAPTER 6: So What Happens Now?,
CHAPTER 7: Get It Together,
CHAPTER 8: These Things Need to Change,
CHAPTER 9: Eight Signs That You Are on the Right Path,
CHAPTER 10: Finding Love Again,
CHAPTER 11: How to Welcome Love,
CHAPTER 12: Nine Signs You've Got a Good One,
About the Author,