Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention

by Jeff Jay, Debra Jay

Overview

This revised and expanded third edition of the gold-standard for intervention provides clear steps for harnessing the power of family, friends, and professionals to create a better future with loved ones suffering from addiction. 

Over the course of the last twenty years, Love First has become the go-to intervention guide for tens of thousands of families. This trailblazing book empowers and equips families and friends to use the power of love and honesty to give their addicted loved ones a chance to reach for help. Updated with the latest addiction science as well as insights gained from decades of front-line experience in family interventions, this revised and expanded edition contains practical tools for taking  the next step together: transforming the intervention team into an ongoing community of loving support, lasting accountability, and lifelong recovery.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781616499105
Publisher:	Hazelden Publishing
Publication date:	04/27/2021
Series:	Love First Family Recovery
Sold by:	SIMON & SCHUSTER
Format:	eBook
Pages:	340
Sales rank:	505,398
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Jeff Jay, CIP, is a professional interventionist, educator, and author. He has been working full time in the substance abuse treatment field since 1986, including work for the Hazelden Foundation. He is a graduate of the University of Minnesota and is a Certified Intervention Professional. He has appeared as an expert on CNN, PBS, and The Jane Pauley Show. Jeff has served as president of the Terry McGovern Foundation in Washington, DC, and on the boards of directors for several professional organizations. He and Debra Jay head a national private practice that provides intervention and crisis management services. He is a former clinician with Sacred Heart Rehabilitation Center. 

Jeff specializes in complex interventions for impaired professionals. He is also skilled in working with baby boomers, older adults, and younger adults. His expertise is sought after for cases which are complicated by psychological issues, such as anxiety disorders, bipolar disease and trauma. He also conducts interventions for eating disorders, gambling addiction, sex addiction, and other issues. His personal recovery from addiction dates from October 4, 1981. “I believe in intervention for a very simple reason,” says Jeff. “Intervention saved my life.” 

Debra Jay is a noted author, speaker, and trainer for addiction professionals. She was a guest lecturer for Wayne State University graduate studies on addiction for fourteen years. She has been writing a newspaper advice column on families and addiction since 1996. She has served as board member for Brighton Hospital, St. John Providence Health System, and Dawn Farm. She is a recipient of the 2012 Letitia M. Close B.V.M Award in recognition of a significant ministry in helping women with the disease of addiction. 

Debra was the addiction expert on The Oprah Winfrey Show for 3 seasons and has appeared on The Dr. Oz Show. She is a graduate of The Ohio State University and the Hazelden Addiction Professionals Training Program. 

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xv

A Note to the Reader xvii

Introduction: Family Is the Answer 1

Part 1 Our Addicted Loved One 3

1 Love First 5

2 Ten Misconceptions about Addiction 8

3 What Does It Take to Get an Alcoholic or Addict to Accept Help? 13

4 Are You Barking Up the Wrong Tree? 16

5 You and the Alcoholic Are Speaking Different Languages 19

6 Keeping You Oft-Balance Is a Good Thing for an Alcoholic or Addict 21

7 The Addicted Brain 27

8 Functioning with a Changed Brain 30

Part 2 The People Who Love the Addicted Person 35

9 Our Relationship with an Addicted Loved One 37

10 Good Intentions Can Take You Down the Wrong Road 42

11 Combine Love with Denial and You Have Innocent Enabling 45

12 Combine Reality with Fear and You Have Desperate Enabling 49

13 What Are the Rewards of Enabling? 54

14 Detachment: A New Recipe 58

15 Taking Care of Our Children 61

16 Is Our Addicted Loved One a Bad Person or a Sick Person?

17 Family Brains and Decision-Making 68

18 How to Create a Home for Lasting Recovery 71

Part 3 Preparing for an Intervention 75

19 Using the Power of the Family Recovery Team 77

20 Do You Need a Professional Interventionist? 80

21 Building a Recovery Team 88

22 A Few Things to Consider Before Picking Up the Phone 95

23 Involving the Workplace 99

24 Finalizing Your Team 103

25 Recognizing the Influence of the Group 105

26 Understanding the Role of Leverage 107

27 What Does Your Recovery Team Need to Know? 113

28 Using the Team Planner 116

29 Keeping Tabs on Your Progress 120

30 Choosing a Date and Time 122

31 Choosing a Place 125

32 Selecting a Chairperson 129

33 Treatment Options 132

34 Writing a Letter to Your Addicted Loved One 141

35 The Seven-Point Letter 153

36 Sample Intervention Letter 161

37 Writing Your Bottom Line 164

Part 4 The Intervention 171

38 Preparing for Objections 173

39 Intervention Is a Negotiation 180

40 The ARC Technique for Answering Objections 185

41 Skills: Hostage Negotiation Meets Intervention 190

42 Rehearsing the Intervention 199

43 Some Thoughts for Intervention Day 208

44 Notes for the Chairperson 212

45 What an Intervention Looks Like: A Portrayal 218

46 A Different Ending 228

47 Variations, Complications, and Closing without Resolution 231

48 Intervening on a Young Person 234

49 Intervening on Someone over Age Fifty-Five 240

50 Executive-Style Intervention 249

Part 5 After the Intervention 255

51 Making Team Decisions 257

52 Talking to People Who Did Not Take Part in the Intervention 260

53 Sending Your Intervention Letters to the Counselor 263

54 When Your Loved One Is in Treatment 265

55 Supporting Your Alcoholic or Addict during Treatment 270

56 Research on the Effectiveness of Twelve Step Programs 273

57 Your First Al-Anon Meeting 280

58 A Few Words about Alcoholics Anonymous 285

59 Preparing for the Possibility of Relapse 288

60 Using Family Intervention for Other Problems 292

61 An Instrument of Love 303

Part 6 Tools and Resources 305

The Team Planner 307

The Checklist 310

Enabling Behaviors 314

Evaluating Treatment Centers 316

Objections and Answers 319

Bottom Lines 323

Sample Letter to the Counselor 327

Family and Friends Commitment Statement 328

The Jellinek Curve 330

Notes 333

Index 341

About the Authors 353

What People are Saying About This

'Building a team, choosing a chairperson, anticipating objections, using checklists, and rehearsing for the intervention itself. The reader will find it all here!' - Robert M. Morse, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry Emeritus, Mayo Medical School

'The most comprehensive book available on the technique of intervention, Love First will save lives!' - Kathy Ketcham, coauthor, Beyond the Influence and The Spirituality of Imperfection

'A landmark book that gives families life-saving tools to help get a loved one into recovery. Bravo!' - Jim Ramstad, United States Congressional Representative

'A no-nonsense approach to how to save someone you love from the ravages of addiction disease.'  - William Cope Moyers, author of Broken

 'A significant contribution to intervention literature, and an empowering antidote to the disease of addiction.'  - William I. White, author of Slaying the Dragon: The History of Addiction Treatment

'I am truly excited about the book Love First. Families and loved ones who read this look at intervention will find the keys to begin the process of recovery. ' - John T. Schwarzlose, President, Betty Ford Center

'A convincing new approach to intervention that puts love and respect first.' - Jack Canfield, coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Soul series

Editorial Reviews

With the 3rd Edition of Love First, the Jays continue to demonstrate that they are the preeminent experts in the field of addiction intervention. In this unprecedented time of ever-increasing deaths from addiction, it is not an exaggeration that literally everyone in the world should read and appreciate this book.

Buddy Stockwell JD

A sane model of intervention which increases your chance of reaching an addict with psychological injury or complications.

Jerry A. Boriskin

Love First offers forward looking guideposts and meaningful and effective steps for long-term success in intervention and recovery—including strategies for unique and difficult situations.

Dr. Miriam Engstrom

Wisdom and compassion shine on every page of this invaluable resource. A comforting, enlightening, and inspiring guide to intervention, treatment, and long-term recovery support for families and friends seeking help for their addicted loved ones.

Katherine Ketcham

When families are considering intervention for their loved ones and reach out to me for recommendations, I have only one: “Love First” by Jeff and Debra Jay. There is no better resource. The Jays gently lead families through the intervention process, all the while honoring the core family value: love.

Sherry Gaugler-Stewart

Intervention is such an important process for families – it enables them to tell the truth and know the truth. The Love First model brings love to the process – this is a necessary and welcome addition to the intervention process. This revised version of Love First includes the concept of a recovery team with an eye towards long-term recovery. It will be most helpful for families struggling with addictive disease.

Mel Pohl

In "Love First", Jeff and Debra Jay present a clear path to helping a person we care about recover and grow, without losing ourselves in the process. Family members, friends and professionals will all gain from this gentle, yet assertive approach.

Rabbi Benny Greenwald

The best primer for those who love an addict or alcoholic.

James Balmer

Jeff and Debra Jay are leaders in the behavioral health field. As a clinician, educator, author and fellow interventionist I am a huge fan of their work. Many of my clients have found Love First to be indispensable to their growth. A must read for Cliniciand and Families.

Dr. Louise Stanger

A compelling and systematic way of reaching your loved one who may have fallen down and lifting them up to lofty heights. Jeff and Debra Jay are consummate professionals who speak from the heart and connect individuals and families making them whole again.

Colin King Ph. D Clinical Psychologist Co-host of the show "For Guys Only."

Love First is such a fundamental tool for any family that is affected by the disease of addiction. It is unique in its ability to bring about an intervention approach through love, acceptance, and positivity.

Rabbi Yarden Blumstein

Superbly well written, this is a must read for anyone working with families with addiction. Debra and Jeff Jay generously share their expertise by providing a step by step guide to their method of supporting families in addressing addiction, a method which, as the title suggests, is founded in the transformative power of love.

Sue Donaldson RSW

Love First” surrounded me with my families love until I could find the ability to love myself. When I am unsettled I still seek comfort in the beauty of the “Love First” intervention letters my family wrote. It provided the opportunity to break down the barriers to what can be an overwhelming time for a family looking to provide guidance in a loved ones journey in addressing their addiction. I am grateful for the empowering insight and comfort provided me to seek the help that now has allowed me 15 years of Sobriety and participate in the lives of hundreds of others finding Love First as their foundation.

Scott Masi

A beautifully enhanced " Bible", that I have used with clients for 20 years. It goes beyond getting a loved one into treatment. The inclusiveness of a structured family recovery restores the family integrity WITH LOVE

Michael S Parr MD