Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure (Valentines day gift for him)

by Xanet Pailet, Emily Morse (Foreword by)

Overview

Heal Your Relationship with Sex

“Through her own sexual healing journey and those of others, author and intimacy coach Xanet Pailet takes us back to a place where we can all develop the courage to reclaim our sexual desires. —Louann Brizendine, MD, New York Times Best Selling Author of The Female Brain and The Male Brain

# 1 Best Seller in Sexual Health and LGBT Studies

Overcome your discomfort: Living An Orgasmic Life is for those who find sex challenging and are uncomfortable with their sex life. Women who are alienated from their erotic side due to sexual abuse or trauma will find healing balm in these pages. Women who can’t surrender into pleasure, can’t sustain intimacy, or want to reclaim and feel empowered in their sexuality will greatly benefit from this book.

Awaken your sexuality. Challenges with sexuality are common and infrequently discussed. Xanet Pailet explores the reasons that cause women to disconnect from their sexuality including shame, body image issues, sexual abuse and trauma, physical wounding, and fears of intimacy. She provides practical advice and tools to help women awaken to their sexuality in a healthy way and reclaim their libido.

Add sex back into your marriage. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 20% of married couples are only having sex once a month—a sexless marriage. And, the number of reported sexless marriages has quadrupled in the last 20 years. Living An Orgasmic Life is filled with lessons and practical exercises to take your sex life from non-existent or mediocre to fulfilling. Learn:

• Why it’s so hard to talk about sex in a world where everything is about sex
• How sexual trauma can occur and how to heal it
• How to reignite your libido

If you benefited from reading Sex Rx, Urban Tantra, Come as You Are, or Womancode, Living An Orgasmic Life is a must read.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781633538269
Publisher:	TURNER PUB CO
Publication date:	08/15/2018
Pages:	264
Sales rank:	506,766
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Xanet Pailet is a recovered New York City health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full time sex and intimacy coach, writer, blogger, and teacher. She works with individuals and couples to empower them around their sexuality and strengthen relationship and intimacy skills. Xanet is particularly passionate about working with women, men and couples who are sexually disconnected. Through her work, and the many tools that she offers, she helps them reclaim their pleasure and transform their relationships and their lives.





Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, and Tantra Educator. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute and teaches regularly at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. She offers 1:1 coaching via Skype or in person in the Bay Area. She also offers online group coaching programs and speaks regularly at national and local conferences and events. She lives in beautiful and serene Marin County, CA. Connect with Xanet at www.powerofpleasure.com.

Dr. Emily Morse has been voted the #1 dating & sex expert to follow on Twitter by Esquire & Stylecaster. Her Podcast: Sex with Emily, is downloaded over a million times every month. Morse is now a sex talk pioneer of one of the most successful brands in the field of sexual health — leading the charge in modern day sex education, turning it on it’s heels in ways no one has ever before.





Emily served as co-host of the famed Loveline radio show featuring Dr. Drew Pinsky, made appearances on national programs like The Today Show and The Doctors and even starred in a Bravo series about sex and relationships experts finding love called Miss Advised.

Read an Excerpt

Sadly, most of us don’t have anyone we can talk to about our sex life, our sexual problems, our sexual desires, our fetishes, and our fantasies. Talking to our partner can be highly charged and not without repercussions. Many couples fear that even bringing up the subject will open up a Pandora ’s box they will never be able to close. People often worry about bruising their partner’s ego, or fear the conversation will quickly revert to blame and shame. Better not to bring it up and just put up with a bad sex life. This was certainly my experience. Every single time my ex and I tried to talk about sex, I ended up feeling guiltier, and even more broken, angry, and disconnected from him. Some women talk to their girlfriends about their sex life, or lack of one, but rarely in great detail. Most OB/GYNs and urologists are ill-equipped to provide useful advice about how to make our sex lives pain-free, better, and more pleasurable. Even couples’ therapists are often extremely uncomfortable talking with clients about their sex life on any level of detail that could actually be useful. This came to me as quite a surprise initially, but in time I realized that most therapists haven’t dealt with their own shame around sex. An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture The irony is that sex is talked about frankly and broadcast blatantly in popular culture. We find it everywhere…in books, movies, TV, advertising. The maxim that “Sex Sells” is true! Just take one look at a magazine advertisement for practically any lifestyle product from sexy, sleek new cars to deodorant and lipstick. Sex entices us and is also the forbidden fruit driving our desires and wallets. You would think we’d be sexually open in a society that constantly throws sex in our face. In fact, the opposite is true. The United States is a sex-negative and sex-starved nation. The latest statistics about the lack of sex in this country is horrifying. According to “The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior” (2010), the average married couple has sex about once a week. Twenty percent of couples are only having sex once a month, which is considered a sexless marriage. I suspect those numbers are significantly underreported. This study does not account for the large number of men and women who stay in their marriage for financial reasons and/or “for the children”, but have completely unsatisfying sex lives. Sex workers report that the vast majority of men who see them for sensual massage or escort services are happily married men living in virtually sexless marriages. Sexless Marriage vs. Upsetting the Apple Cart I asked myself many times why I chose to stay in my marriage. In my 30s, when I still had a libido, I toyed with having an affair with a work colleague, but we both chickened out. That should have been a clear signal that my marriage was in trouble, but I ignored it. We had small kids, a good family life, and we were constantly trading up to nicer cars and homes. Why upset the apple cart? Even when my kids were older, and we weren’t having sex or sleeping in the same room, I had a hard time calling it quits. At one point, I created a five-year plan to leave my marriage that I shared with one of my best friends, who was also contemplating divorce. Sexless marriages are so pervasive in our society that there seems to be an attempt in some sectors to “normalize” the fact that couples stop having sex, especially when they get into their 50s and beyond. Recently the Huffington Post, which is arguably the most sex-positive mainstream media in the U.S., published an article titled, “Over 50 and in a Sexless Marriage: Don’t Despair.” Essentially, the author’s position was that people could thrive in a sexless marriage. But there was something missing in the article that I feel is important to take into account. It’s true: couples often decide not to engage in sex. However, the majority of the time, the decision is forced on one of the partners. In fact, a common scenario is that one partner loses interest, becomes unresponsive, and starts to avoid anything to do with sex. The still-desirous party keeps trying for a while, then gets tired of rejection and simply gives up. Often this unfolds with no discussion at all, much less a conscious decision. Where Did my Libido Go? Unfortunately, in 90% of the clients that I’ve worked with, it is the woman who loses her desire to have sex. While each situation is unique, there are some common causes: • Women are socialized to say “no” to sex • We hold shame and fear around being fully sexually expressed • Motherhood transforms us from sexual beings to maternal beings • Sex becomes boring and rote • We are not sufficiently aroused and don’t experience enough pleasure • Women are not connected to their sexuality

Table of Contents

Introduction PART ONE: Healing yourself from Shame, Sexual Abuse and Physical Trauma Chapter 1: A Night of Goddess Worship Can Change Your Life Chapter 2: Living a Life of Lies Appearances Can Be Deceiving The Widening Divide What Happened to Us? We were doomed from the start Finding a Home in Your Body Chapter 3: Women are Programmed to Say “No” to Sex An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture Sexless Marriage vs Upsetting the Apple Cart Where Did my Libido Go? “Keep your legs shut!” Good Girl Madonna, Bad Girl Whore The more we have sex, the more we want sex (Good sex begets more good sex) Chapter 4: Shame: The Nastiest Five-Letter Word in the Universe The Shame/Pleasure Paradox Ancient Cultures Were Sex-Positive Shame and Your Sexual Blueprint Jessica’s Story: Body Shame Jeff’s Story: Delayed Ejaculation Shame Sexual Blueprint Exercise Tim’s Story: Shame from Inappropriate Attraction Anya’s Story: Sexually Repressed Shame Bob’s Story: Shame Around Experiencing Desire Masturbation and Shame Delia’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Disassociation from Pleasure Keith’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder Exercise: Body Talk Too Big, Too Small: Sex Organ Shame Jim’s Story: Cock Size Shame Pussy Shame Annie’s Story: My Vagina is Normal! Sexual Fetishism Ralph’s Story: Cross Dressing and Submissive Shame Chapter 5: Sexual Abuse and Trauma Overt and Covert Abuse Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Impact on Sexuality Anne’s Story: Unresolved Trauma causing Vaginismus Repression of Memories Trauma and Self-Protection Mechanisms Darla’s Story: Trauma and Disassociation Tonya’s Story: Trauma and Over-Stimulation Ellen’s Story: Slaying the Tiger Downstream Effects of Abuse Lilly’s Story: Trauma and Fear of Intimacy Cecilia’s Story: Trauma and Self-Abusive Behavior Men and Sexual Trauma David’s Story: Recreating Abusive Relationships Working with Sexual Trauma Jessie and Mark’s Story: Resolving Trauma and Reclaiming their Sex Life Chapter 6: The Body Remembers: Trauma & Physical Imprinting Trauma and Physical Imprinting Body Memory Physical Trauma’s Impact on Sexuality Heal the Body, Heal the Mind Releasing Trapped Pain from Trauma Raina’s Story: Trauma from a Routine Gynecological Exam Holistic Pelvic Care Carrie’s Story: Healing Trauma from Childbirth Jane’s Story: Weaning Herself Off a Vibrator by Rewiring Physical Patterns Exercise: Awakening New Pleasure Pathways Ingrid and Mark’s Story: Activating New Pleasure Pathways Chapter 7: Blocks to Intimacy Attachment Theory (“It really is all your mother’s fault”) Secure Attachment Anxious Attachment Avoidant Attachment Anxious Avoidant Attachment Other Influences on Attachment The Influence of Attachment Style in Adult Relationships Victor’s Story: Perpetually in the Friend Zone Emotional Detachment (Why Crying is So Good for You) Intimacy Requires an Emotional Connection Lisa’s Story: Learning How to Let Others Care for Her Tristan’s Story: Dealing with a Broken Heart Caryn’s Story: Confusing Sex with Love PART TWO: Awakening Your Pleasure Chapter 8: Beginning the Journey of Sexual Healing & Awakening Four Guiding Principles to Transform your Sex Life Self-Awareness and Courage Exercise: Visioning Letter Understanding and Banishing Sexual Shame Accepting and Loving Your Body Exercise: Create Your Vagina Timeline Bethany’s Story: My Period Betrayed Me Julia’s Story: Where Did My Beautiful Body Go? Laina’s Story: Menopause Madness Embodiment—The Place to Begin Chapter 9: Coming home to My Body and Welcoming Pleasure Welcoming Pleasure The Road to Becoming a Sex and Intimacy Coach Sexological Bodywork SkyDancing Tantra Teacher Training Somatica: The Glue that Holds it All Together Chapter 10: So What is Tantra Anyway? Origins of Tantra The Emergence of SkyDancing Tantra Exercise: The Yoni Talk Chakras and Sexual Awakening Exercise: Subtle Energy Principles of Tantra Exercise: Chakra Sounding Chapter 11: How to Reignite Your Shrinking Libido Desire and Your Hormones Desire and Your Internal Landscape Exercise: Sacred Space Ritual: A Partner Practice Vanilla Sex Can Kill Your Libido Karen’s Story: Boring Sex Desire and Your External Landscape Exercise: Peak Sexual Experience Survey Knowing What You Want Who Initiates Sex? Understand Your Sexual Style When Sexual Styles Conflict Anne and Jeremy’s Story: Conflicting Sexual Styles Switching it Up: Sexual Styles Aren’t Static Core Erotic Theme Exercise: Identifying Your Hottest Sexual Movie Chapter 12: Great Sex is about Polarity Why Opposites Attract Fantasy and Cultural Taboos Collette and Liam’s Story: Creating Sexual Polarity through Role-Play Sexual Polarity is Upside Down in our Society Andrea’s Story: Finding Her Feminine Self Exercise: Fun Ways to Find Your Sexy Masculinity and Male Sexuality Paul’s Story: Permission to Feel Desire Genevieve and Carl’s Story: Learning to Surrender into Dominance Chapter 13: Realizing Your Pleasure Potential Slow Things Down Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body The Ins and Outs of Orgasm The Power of Touch The Three Minute Game Exercise: Touching for Your Own Pleasure You are Responsible for Your Arousal Learning What You Want Exercise: Self-Loving Practice Orgasms Don’t Just Happen in Your Genitals Anal Pleasure Chapter 14: Living an Orgasmic Life Sex is a Basic Human Need like Food and Shelter A Sexual Woman is a Creative Woman Sex Transmutation Quantum Physics and Sex Exercise: Feed Your Creativity The Process of Transformation Nora’s Story: Making a Career Change Intuition: The Greatest Gift of All Exercise: Cultivating Your Intuition by Learning Your “Yes” and “No” Lara’s Story: Making a Life Changing Decision to be a Single Mom Brant’s Story: When Sex and Creativity Flows, So Does the Money Darleen’s Story: Reinventing Oneself in Her 60s Your Story Next  

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

“Xanet Pailet’s book offers a modern, refreshing insight into what all women should become aware of: that they are made for love. And that the art and cultivation of pleasure is the language of love. And that, if they don't learn it, and take the responsibility to teach it to their partners, the consciousness of the world will remain stagnant. Living an Orgasmic Life teaches us to become aware in love and to channel pleasure as a means of conscious awakening. There is no better mission. And this book will show you the way.” —Margot Anand, World’s leading authority on Tantra and International Bestselling author of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, The Art of Everyday Ecstasy, and Love, Sex and Awakening

"Xanet is a wise guide that you can trust to lead you the pleasurable path of erotic empowerment. She’s been there herself and offers you a practical map that you can follow to get to the land of loving yourself, shame-free sex and expanded outrageous orgasms! You deserve to feel this fantastic!" —Sheri Winston, CNM, RN, LMT. Wholistic Sexuality Teacher, award-winning author of Women's Anatomy of Arousal and Succulent SexCraft

"What I love the most about this book, is the way in which Xanet masterfully weaves in her own story in such a vulnerable way. She makes it completely relatable to every woman’s experience, and provides all of us a path forward to living an orgasmic life." —Sex With Emily

“A woman who's been there—out of touch with her own capacity for erotic connection and pleasure--and healed herself, tackles all the stumbling blocks for other people's inability to touch this deep source of joy. Fraught social messages, shame, and trauma impact so many of us, but as Xanet Pailet shows, there IS a path out of that thicket and into intimacy, deep sexual pleasure, and a newly-awakened body. Take this journey with her and be amazed at the destination.” —Carol Queen PhD, Staff Sexologist, Good Vibrations

“Through her own sexual healing journey and those of others, author and intimacy coach Xanet Pailet takes us back to a place where we can all develop the courage to reclaim our sexual desires. Living an Orgasmic Life is bound to become a go-to book for therapists, healers and for all of us.” —Louann Brizendine, MD, New York Times Best Selling Author of The Female Brain and The Male Brain

“The parts of this book that touched me deeply, and that will reach out and touch the hearts of so many women, are the moments when Xanet shares her personal journey of growth and transformation. Her vulnerability, raw honesty, and deep desire to learn and teach what is possible for women in the erotic realm touches on the hopes and insecurities we all have. By sharing those parts that we feel we are supposed to hide, she fearlessly invites women to know and accept themselves fully so they can claim their birthright of pleasure.” —Celeste Hirschman, MA, Co-Founder Somatica Institute, author of Cockfidence and Making Love Real

“Can you imagine your life and loving to be abundant with creative energy, confidence, inner freedom and good feelings about yourself, a state of being where old wounding no longer rules you and your sexual experience? This book contains the keys to unlock your sexual potential, open yourself to more bliss and let go of what no longer serves you. Xanet’s practices and real-life stories will help you to heal any sexual wounds, and move beyond shame into a powerful connection with yourself, transforming your entire life into an everyday orgasmic experience. While presenting a myriad of expertise and information, its easy-to-read style captivates the heart and soul, and gently invites the reader to a journey of transformation and healing. A must-read for anyone willing to expand their horizon and live more orgasmically every day.” —Lokita Carter, founder of Ecstatic Living Institute, creator of best-selling video programs on Tantra and Chakra Wisdom Meditation

“This book is an excellent blend of personal stories, solid research, useful ideas, and supportive suggestions. If you're struggling to figure out how to connect to your pleasure, make sex exciting, and deepen your relationship, there's plenty of great information here for you and your partner.” —Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., Sex and Relationship coach, author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure

“Unabashed reality, heart-felt empathy, keen expertise—all three combine in this breakthrough work by Xanet Pailet. As a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, I am always on the lookout for quality resources that will support my clients in finding their way to freedom in this area of their lives, and Living an Orgasmic Life is now at the top of my reading list for survivors who want to reclaim their sexuality.” —Rachel Grant, Author, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stages in Recovery from Sexual Abuse and Beyond Surviving Podcast.

"A true gem! Xanet's book is filled with intimate stories about overcoming struggles with sex and relationships to embrace an orgasmic life. It speaks to the heart of real life challenges people face and offers easy to use exercises to inspire you back to pleasure." —Caroline Carrington, Pleasure Expert & Co-Founder of Sarasa Tantra, www.CarolineCarrington.com