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CHAPTER 1
Step 1
Discovering Betrayal
Betrayals come in different guises: they are varied but with some common features. Below is a general list of the different types of behavior of betrayal. I will give you a short explanation of each type of betrayal before focusing on the main purpose of this book: 'betrayal between partner/spouse'.
Different types of betrayal occur whenever:
• A partner has an affair behind your back
• People lie to you
• Someone cheats or robs you of money, property, etc
• People gossip behind your back and you overhear the lies that they are saying
• A parent hurts their child.
• You are let down by someone you trusted, e.g. parent, friend, boss, spouse, child, or sibling
• You are humiliated and put down by someone
• A parent lets you down
• You are betrayed by your own body (as when a serious illness occurs)
• You are betrayed by society
When you are betrayed by your partner
When this happens, the emotions you experience can be extreme. If and when this happens, you must not accept the entire blame or think that the reason this has happened is 'your fault.' Nor does it mean that you are unworthy and unable to sustain a healthy relationship. It says more about your partner's inability to be loyal and honest in their own thoughts and actions. Inevitably, you will question your intuition and perception in failing to detect that your relationship was heading toward a rocky path. You question your own attractiveness and even the intimacy you both shared. In short, you feel a fool.
If your partner has strayed and you are struggling with this feeling, you may experience the following emotions:
• Shock
• Disbelief
• Numbness
• Denial
• Anger
• Hurt
• Unhappiness
• Panic
• Sadness
• Anxiety
• Tiredness
• Depression
• Loss of confidence
• Worthlessness
The above list is similar to that of the grieving process you experience when someone dies.
Here is an example of this type of betrayal:
A gentleman had been referred to me by his General Practitioner as suffering from depression and he had been prescribed anti-depressants. He had been affected for some considerable time. His depression was linked to a substantial loss of finances, when his 'established' business had hit trouble and been liquidated. During our sessions together, he confided that his wife was a professional business woman with an active social life. During their marriage he had always accompanied her to social events. Now, however, she didn't want him to attend any social event with her because she felt embarrassed that his business had failed. He also told me that his wife had no patience with him and was physically and emotionally unsupportive. In fact he said he felt 'in the way'.
I asked him if it would be helpful if I spoke with his wife to explain about depression and the way to overcome it. He readily agreed. I met his wife and she made it plain that she could not understand why her husband was reacting to this situation so badly. She confirmed that she had no patience with him over this issue. She led a very busy professional, domestic and social life and was finding her husband an encumbrance. She told me that she was having an affair which had been established some time before her husband's business had disintegrated as there had been no sexual intimacy between her and her husband for some considerable time.'
To be cheated on is bad enough, but to cheat when your partner is experiencing major financial loss and a traumatic emotional readjustment is a double-betrayal.
When people lie to you
In general, people are rarely completely honest in relationships: it's the law of survival. You only get told what the other person wants you to know. Details, (hidden agendas) etc., remain undisclosed most of the time.
Knowing this will help you to understand the games people play in relationships. The dishonesty needn't be detrimental to your relationship. Sometimes incompleteness is used to short-cut an explanation or to dissolve an argument, i.e.
Here is an example: An innocent question: What time did you get home from work tonight?
Answer from an innocent partner: About 5.30 p.m.
You might omit the fact that you stopped in at the supermarket on your way home because this information is of no interest to your partner. Does that make you a liar?
If, however, you have something significant to hide, the same question answered could have consequences, i.e.
Here is the same example with a difference:
An innocent question: What time did you get home from work tonight?
An answer from a guilty person: About 5.30 p.m.
It's the same question and answer scenario but this guilty partner is hiding something, i.e. the guilty partner deliberately avoids telling the truth, that s/he went out for coffee with an old flame.
Concealing the truth means you are being secretive in keeping that information from your partner. This indicates that you knew that meeting up with an old flame would be unacceptable to your partner. It also indicates that you might be tempted to repeat the situation.
When someone cheats or robs you
The dictionary explanation of cheating is: an act of deception. An act of fraud, imposture or imposition.
Cheating characteristically creates an unfair advantage over someone, often at the expense of others. There is nothing worse than someone cheating, duping, or robbing you.
Most people would agree that they would rather give something away willingly than be cheated by someone who is prepared to get what they want by any means. Here is an Example: An acquaintance I knew sent away for a set of CDs on the subject of enlightenment. Upon receiving the CDs he decided that, whilst they were excellent value for money, he would rather copy them and send the originals back. This meant not paying for them and cheating the sender. I thought that example to be highly ironic as the CDs explained how to attain a higher level of consciousness. What a Cheat!
When people gossip behind your back:
You expect those whom you trust to be loyal in word and deed. That trust is immediately broken if that person passes on to another person the stuff you have told them in confidence. We all have secrets; some secrets are larger than others. The last thing we want is for those confidences to be passed on to another person without our consent.
Here are some examples:
• If you meet someone for coffee and your partner finds out from another person (an innocent encounter with a friend/colleague can turn into a nasty situation, if wrongly portrayed)
• If someone makes up stories to put you in a bad light
• If someone deliberately tells lies in order to put you down and elevate themselves
• If someone repeats something you have said and adds more to the story
• If someone sabotages your ideas and uses those ideas for themselves
• If you purchase an item of clothing that was costly and you told your partner that it was reduced in a sale. You tell a friend the true cost of the garment and your friend slips up and tells your partner the true cost of the item you purchased.
When a parent hurts their child
Children give unconditional love. Unconditional love is, loving without conditions limitations or reservations. In other words, it is love that is undiminished regardless of what the other person does.
Children are innocent and have not yet learned the ways of the world. They have no expectations. They just are. They look to those people who care for them with total trust. If this trust is abused, then their self-esteem lowers and self-worth is destroyed.
In order to raise a child's self-esteem, you must nurture, support, encourage and praise all their efforts. It is the responsibility of parents to look after them and guide their passage to adulthood. However, if this nurturing is negative, then the child will be unable to place any value on who they are and what they achieve in their life.
When you are let down by someone you trusted: intuition
All of us have experienced a situation in which we have found ourselves not trusting another person. Sometimes there is no logical reason for this: it's just a feeling, intuition, gut reaction. Often we are unable to articulate the feeling. In my opinion first impressions are important and shouldn't be taken lightly. The phrases such as, 'I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you,' leap out in these circumstances.
Intuition is a valuable tool which can lead you to the core of a problem. Intuition is within you, you feel it in the pit of your stomach. You can learn to recognize and develop your intuition by listening to your inner voice. With practice, you can easily recognize your intuition and make it a valuable tool in relationships.
What does not trusting someone mean?
• It means you are confused regarding the other's issues and motives
• It means you have no confidence in someone's ability to information secure
• It will affect how you will react to this person
• It stops you being spontaneous
• It will erode your relationship with that person
You will be unable to grow and develop with that person. If you have had 'trust issues' previously, you will be even more wary. You will be looking for double meanings and hidden agendas during conversations. Because trust is an essential element in relationships, the relationship will lack quality and substance.
When you feel humiliated by someone
According to Wikipedia, "Humiliation is literally the act of being made humble, or reduced in standing or prestige. However, the term has much in common with the emotion of shame. Humiliation is not in general a pleasant experience as it reduces the ego."
Here are some examples of the effect of being humiliated:
• It lowers your self-esteem
• It reduces the pride you have in yourself
• It makes you feel inferior
• It makes you feel helpless
• It knocks your ego
• It makes you feel bullied
• It makes you feel intimidated
• It can have a lasting effect on your psyche
When a parent lets you down: Patterns of behavior
Your patterns of thought and behavior are established during childhood. You adopt these patterns by copying the behavior of those people closest to you (role models). If, however, you experienced the following in your own childhood:
• If you were neglected (physically and emotionally)
• If you were ignored
• If you were isolated
• If you never had praise
• If you were abused physically
• It you were abused emotionally
• If you were abused sexually
• If you were lied to
• If you experienced domestic violence
... then these difficulties you have experienced and absorbed have formed the foundation for your thought and behavior patterns, which will negatively affect your behavior and self-esteem in adulthood.
When you are betrayed by your body
We live in a culture that promotes youth and physical fitness. Your body image and physical appearance are important to you, and it does affect the way you are perceived by others. Here are some examples of emotions you may feel when your body becomes misshapen, older, diseased, or infected?
• Embarrassed (spots, eye bags, hair loss)
• Shameful (unwanted hair)
• Disappointed (skin sagging)
• Tearful
• Unhappy
• Angry
• Hostile
• Frightened
• Worried
• Frustrated
• Unclean
These are only some of the emotions you experience when you feel your body has let you down. This is especially so if you have always taken pride in and looked after yourself, eaten healthily, exercised regularly, looked after your skin, etc.
It is quite normal to have some of these feelings about yourself and your body after being diagnosed as suffering from a serious illness.
On a more positive note, if you are, or have, experienced physical problems and/or a serious illness you can also feel:
• Proud of the way your body has coped with the illness
• Grateful for your body's resilience and stamina When you are making the most of your good attributes and viewing yourself positively you will benefit.
Betrayed by Society
You may feel that society has let you down. This can happen if you are:
• Unemployed
• Lack appropriate education
• Isolated
• Fighting for government benefits in order to survive
• Worried about health-care
• In a minority group
• Marginalized by an unpopular, unacceptable illness (HIV+)
Everyone should have the opportunity of gaining suitable education and employment. If these two things are denied, you then feel betrayed by society. Or perhaps you may have experienced a long wait for an appointment to be admitted into hospital.
It is important that you feel cared for and valued as a human being. It is the very essence of being accepted and approved by others that forms part of the quality of your life. If this is not provided by outside forces (society), then you should take action and develop a way of obtaining self-esteem by other methods.
CHAPTER 2
Who is to Blame for the Betrayal?
The short answer is both partners! I know that some of you reading this will balk at this statement. However, it is important to clearly assess your relationship up to the point of the betrayal and take responsibility (we will discuss 'responsibility' in detail in Step #7) for your part in the approach of this devastating experience.
You must understand and accept that whatever happens in a relationship you are partly responsible for it occurring. This is a crucial consideration in the 'moving on from betrayal' process because when you have discovered and examined your role in the process you can learn to correct it. If you can't understand or see your part in the betrayal scenario, then you are not looking hard enough at the part you have played. I am not suggesting that you are totally to blame for your partner's betrayal. My point is rather that it takes two people (one acting and the other one reacting) to bring about the situation of betrayal in a relationship.
What is blame?
To blame is to find fault with and hold someone else responsible for whatever occurs in your life.
• Blaming someone disempowers both the blamer and the blamed.
• Blaming someone else is a powerful control tool
• Blaming someone makes that partner feel guilty and frees the blamer from responsibility
If you are the person who is blaming your partner for the betrayal, then you are absolving yourself and not taking responsibility for your part in your relationship with your partner. Also when you blame someone else, you are giving away your personal power and control to them. You must focus and identify your part in the betrayal situation. In seeing your part of the betrayal process you will be better placed to change that part in your relationship in the future.
If you are the person who is blamed for a betrayal and you accept this fact, then you will start to feel remorseful and guilty. This betrayal might have occurred for many reasons. However, as the betrayer in the relationship you must accept that you are the partner who is responsible.
The overwhelming feeling that comes with blame is powerlessness. The 'blamed' partner must take responsibility for the betrayal that has taken place. The partner who is the 'blamer' must take responsibility for their part in the process that led to the betrayal occurring. This scenario can trap both partners in a locked situation with no escape. This is a lose/lose situation with both partners experiencing inner conflict and distress. Taking responsibility for our mistakes is vital to personal development and growth and particularly so when in the 'moving on after betrayal' process.
The Blamer
If you are the 'blamer' you are placing the control and responsibility of personal communication, interaction and situations, outside yourself (on to your partner in this instance), believing that you are vulnerable, innocent and powerless in controlling your life because of what other people are doing to you, i.e., your partner cheating on you. You are placing yourself in the 'victim' category.
The partner who is the 'victim and blamer' may believe that:
• Their life is full of injustices
• They have no power of their own life
• They are unable to exercise control of their life
• They are innocent, weak bystanders
• They have limited choices
• They have limited freedom
• They believe that everything they do is wrong
• They believe that everyone finds fault in them
• They believe that they are not good enough and that's the reason bad things happen to them
In order to change your thinking patterns, (see Step #5) it would be helpful if you identified the triggers, conversations, situations and conflict that placed you in the 'victim' category. 'Victims' attract 'victims' to them like magnets ('birds of a feather flock together'). Take some time with this thought and look at the people around you who you can identify as a 'victim.' Can you see, and acknowledge, that they have similar traits to you?
Ask yourself:
• What benefits do I derive from staying in this role?
• Who or what am I afraid of?
• How can I change? (The answer to the question 'how can I change? will be addressed later on in this step).
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Life After Betrayal"
by .
Copyright © 2007 Lynda Bevan.
Excerpted by permission of Loving Healing Press, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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