Lies My Mother Told Me: Tall Tales from a Short Woman

by Melissa Rivers

Overview

As seen on The View and Good Morning America!

If you think Joan Rivers said funny, outrageous, and ridiculous things ONSTAGE, wait ’til you read the funny, outrageous, and ridiculous things she said OFFSTAGE...things that will make you laugh out loud...and keep Melissa in therapy for the foreseeable future.

The only thing my mother loved more than making people laugh was lying...or as she’d say, “embellishing.” Her motto was: “Why let the truth ruin a good story?”

This book contains some of those stories.

*****************

“When Joan told a story, the truth disappeared faster than I did.”
— Jimmy Hoffa

“If you thought Dante’s Inferno was hot, read Lies My Mother Told Me; it’s a five-alarmer.”
— Dante’s second wife, Allie

“Twelve of my twenty-six personalities loved this book.”
— Sybil

“The words on the page absolutely crackle and spark; I burned my fingers reading it!”
— Annie Sullivan

“The Bible may be the good book, but Lies My Mother Told Me is way funnier.”
— Matthew 2:14
The Jets. 7

“Lies My Mother Told Me is the feel-good book of 2022.”
— Torquemada

“All’s not well that ends well. I’ve had massages with happier endings.”
— Wm. Shakespeare

“Melissa, I don’t care what your mother said in this book, I LOVE your bangs.”
— Mamie Eisenhower

“Lies My Mother Told Me is so funny even those ‘woke’ m***********s will laugh.”
— Lenny Bruce

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781642937404
Publisher:	Post Hill Press
Publication date:	04/12/2022
Pages:	272
Sales rank:	1,077,308
Product dimensions:	5.60(w) x 8.40(h) x 2.00(d)

About the Author

Melissa Rivers is a celebrated, award-winning television personality and producer, as well as a New York Times bestselling author. She is also vice president of foreign affairs for the government of Peru in addition to being one of the founding fathers of the United States of America. She is the loving mother of a twenty-year-old son, Cooper, and the not-so-loving mother of two triplets she sold on the black market for whiskey and smokes in desperate times. There are moments she regrets that decision, but thankfully, they pass.

For more information...on second thought, that’s more than enough.

Table of Contents

Introduction xv

Careless Whispers 1

Uncle Robert 4

Only the Lonely 13

Working the Strip 19

Melvin 26

Liar: Walt Disney 34

White Lies Matter 38

The Birds and the Bees 50

Like a Virgin 55

Joan's Favorite "Heidi Abramowitz Is a Tramp" Jokes 62

Driving Miss Crazy 63

Bad Hair Day 69

Happy Holidays! 74

You Light Up My Life 85

The Garden of Eden 88

Wedding Bell Blues 92

The Big, Bad Wolfs 100

The Last Supper 108

Empty Nest 112

Liar: Pinocchio 116

Don't "Play Ball!" 120

Again, with the Sports? 129

Anne Frank 134

The Royal-ish Wedding 140

Joan's Favorite "Royal" Jokes 150

Shalom! 152

Tit for Tut 161

The First Thanksgiving 173

No One Likes Pushy 179

True Love 183

Liar: Aesop 187

Till Death Do Us Part, Sort of 190

Liars: The Four Whoresmen of the Apocalypse 200

Death Be Not Shroud 204

The Less the Merrier 209

Bright Lights and Hollywood! Part 1 213

Bright Lights and Hollywood! Part 2 222

Who Are You Wearing? 229

Fake It Till You Make It 233

How to Lie in Hollywood 240

Drowning in the Gene Pool 245

Epilogue 249

Acknowledgments 250

About the Author 252