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Overview
Emily Colas — young, intelligent, well-educated wife and mother of two — had a secret that was getting in the way of certain activities. Like touching people. Having a normal relationship with her husband. Socializing. Getting a job. Eating out. Like leaving the house. Soon there was no interval in her life when she was not
just checking
This raw, darkly comic series of astonishing vignettes is Emily Colas' achingly honest chronicle of her twisted journey through the obsessive-compulsive disorder that came to dominate her world. In the beginning it was germs and food. By the time she faced the fact that she was really "losing it," Colas had become a slave to her own "hobbies" — from the daily hair cutting to incessant inspections of her children's clothing for bloodstains.
A shocking, hilarious, enormously appealing account of a young woman struggling to gain control of her life, this is Emily Colas' exposé of a soul tormented, but balanced by a buoyance of spirit and a piercing sense of humor that may be her saving grace.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780671024383 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Atria Books |
| Publication date: | 06/01/1999 |
| Pages: | 176 |
| Sales rank: | 1,078,768 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.60(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
From Part 1
STARS
I like to make stars in my head, or trace them with my finger. Just like you doodle with a pencil on the side of a piece of paper. Someone will be talking to me and I look like I'm listening, but really all I'm doing is drawing one line of the star for every one word that person says. Our conversation has to end on a multiple of 5, a complete star. My husband might say to me, "What do you want for dinner?" I'm looking him straight in the eyes so I guess he believes I'm deciding, but in fact I'm drawing and thinking 1 and 1/5 stars. He says, "How about pizza?" I still just stare at him, but think 1 and 4/5 stars. He continues, "Do you have any idea?" 2 and 4/5. Finally he'll conclude, "Why don't we just make pasta?" 4 stars.
CLEAN TIME
It had been almost a decade since I'd taken a pill and I was not thrilled to find myself about to swallow one. I just stood in front of the sink for a minute or two and then got up the nerve to stick it in the back of my throat and drink it down. I imagined the outer casing was starting to dissolve and the powder inside was filtering up to my brain. I was waiting for somethingdramatic to happen. Maybe I'd fall down in convulsions or start hallucinating. Maybe I'd be overcome with the urge to kill my husband.
In college, I'd had a nasty drug habit and the unfortunate experience of a bad trip. After that night, I suffered from flashbacks for a few months and vowed never to take a pill again, harmful or otherwise. When I was pregnant, I relented and took vitamins. After I had kids, Advil. Several years later, today, I was moving on to this serious medication. I was a little shaky. It was probably the drug.
INto tell and what not to tell? Maybe my dry cleaner really is a prostitute. Maybe I should stick to cotton. I feel confused. And of course bad for my friend who it turns out had been addicted to heroin for five years and was now trying to kick methadone. She says that she wanted to tell me, and almost did a couple of times, but she was just too embarrassed. I totally understand. But that still leaves this whole honesty issue unresolved.
DINNER AT SEVEN
I've often been told this story of when my family went out for a Sunday night dinner, I was seven at the time, and I started making jokes about a woman I noticed who was a dwarf. After what I assume were a few uncomfortable minutes for my relatives, my aunt, wanting to put an end to my mocking, turned to me and said, "It's not nice to make fun of people, but if you have any questions I'd be happy to answer them for you." I sat there for a minute or two with I guess a pensive look on my face and then said, "Do you think she was normal until she was seven and then she got like that?" I'm sure my aunt answered no, but that still left open the question of what I would turn into.
AND DINNER AT 7:00
For our second date, my husband invited me over for dinner. This was going to be our first problem. I'd been under the impression of late that people were putting acid in my food. The kind that makes you hallucinate. This started a few months before when I was at a party and a friend of mine was eating sugar cubes from a bowl on the table. The hostess of the party yelled to him, "Don't eat that! It's where we put our acid!" My friend got this horrified look on his face, because by that point he'd probably had about ten hits. Then the hostess started laugh ing. Sure she was just kidding, but something like that could happen; you might accidentally eat someone's stash or maybe some malicious dealer with an attitude wants a laugh. As a result, I had stopped going to restaurants and dinner parties and just ate prepackaged food. It hadn't affected my life too much until this point, but I liked this guy. I could see myself getting serious about him. I figured that this was going to be our first trust test. I showed up at seven.
"Hey, I'm glad to see you. How was your day?" he asked as he softly touched my arm and slid his hand down to hold mine.
"Okay." I was pretty nervous. I wasn't sure if it was second-date anxiety, fear of my impending trip or both. "How about yours?" He started talking about what he'd been up to, his classes, the paper he was working on. I was looking at him and I thought I was listening, but truly, I was distracted by the smell of the cooking food in the next room. Being reminded of what was in store for me.
"I have to go check on dinner. Can I bring you a drink?" he asked.
"No thanks. Do you need any help?" Maybe I could monitor. Make sure he didn't slip anything into the sauce.
"No, I'm good."
Twenty minutes later he brought out dinner and set it on the table. Chicken and rice. We sat down. I shuffled the food around with my fork for a minute or two and eventually got up the nerve to cut a piece of chicken and spear it when he said, "I forgot the salt." He disappeared into the kitchen and I had this dilemma. I had about five seconds to decide whether or not to switch our plates. If he had laced my food, this was going to be my last meal before I was chopped up into little pieces and hidden out back. I didn't know if I s hould chance it. I did want to start this relationship on the right foot, but that's pretty hard to do looking up from the ground in a thousand pieces. He seemed like a nice guy, but don't a lot of serial killers? Ted Bundy. The clown guy. But there were other considerations. If he had poisoned my food, and I switched the plates, then he would die and I'd get questioned by the police.
"Um, ma'am, we found a horse dose of cyanide in your boyfriend's food. How do you suppose it got in there?" He'd have done the bad thing, but, unable to prove my innocence, I'd end up in jail. Plus, I'm not sure the cops would be patient enough to wait for me to answer them until I had completed a star.
"Ma'am. Could you answer our questions? Why aren't you speaking to us? Do you want a lawyer? Ma'am? Hello."
8 stars. "I didn't do it. I switched the plates. I'm innocent..."
No. Don't think that way. Trust. Besides, he'd eaten more than I had and maybe he'd notice. I left the plates where they were. He came back to the table, sat down, and started talking to me. I listened and ate and waited the requisite forty-five minutes for the drugs to take effect. When the time passed and I wasn't hearing colors or anything, I started to relax a little.
Copyright © 1998 by Emily Colas
What People are Saying About This
"Just Checking is, in turn, mysterious, agonizing, and terribly funny. Emily Colas writes with such skill and honesty that I can't help but wish she suffers a relapse. It's selfish, I know, but I want more." -- Author of Naked
"Just Checking is enormously enjoybale. In a humorous and entertaining fashion, Emily Colas tells us just what it is like to have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. She also tells us a great deal about a lot of other things that have nothing to do with OCD but are also fun to read and highly edifying. THIS BOOK IS A WINNER!" -- Author of The Boy Who couldn't Stop Washing
"Everyone knows what it's like to worry. But for most people, it's not a twenty-four-hour occupation. Emily Colas draws readers into a world dominated by details -- a dangerous world in which kitchen utensils are instruments of deadly contamination, restaurant food is probably poisoned, and a tiny paper cut is potentially fatal. Through a series of vignettes she paints a compelling picture of a life dominated by compulsions and the worries that fuel them. If she'd left it there, Just Checking would be a valuable case study of psychiatric illness. But Colas is a born storyteller, and a wickedly funny one at that. Just Checking is as hilarious as it is harowing -- a combination that makes it an engaging and ultimately powerful book." -- Author of Undercurrents and Chasing Grace
Reading Group Guide
Reading Group Guide
The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for discussion for Emily Colas' Just Checking. We hope that these ideas will enrich your discussion and increase your enjoyment of the book.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. Why do you think Emily Colas wrote this book as a series of vignettes? Do you think it would have been as effective had the book been written in narrative form? If so, why?
2. None of the people in Just Checking are referred to by name. They are all identified by their relation to the author (e.g. "my husband," "my friend the heroin addict"). Why? What does this say about the author?
3. What is your impression of Emily Colas's husband? How does he handle his wife's condition? If she were single, do you think her problems would have been magnified or minimized?
4. Do you think the author's regimented early life — from her German nanny's schedule to her father's daily breakfast routine — contributed to her condition as an adult?
5. After reading Just Checking, do you believe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a product of nature or nurture?
6. The author claims to subscribe to the "Oreo cookie theory of life." Unpack the elements of this theory. Do you feel it informs all of Colas's decisions? Why or why not?
7. One of the vignettes in Just Checking is a poem, "How to Be a Good Wife." Do you agree with her assessment of what a "good" wife is? Do you think Emily Colas was a good wife? Was she a good mother?
8. When Emily Colas and her husband first separate, what kind of changes do you notice in her personality? She says that the separation was not caused by the constant worries brought on by her condition. Do you agree?
9. It wasn't until after her separation that she was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. How do you think things would have turned out if this diagnosis had come earlier?
10. Toward the end of Just Checking, one of Emily Colas's two children contracts head lice. Examine how she handles the situation, and compare this to how she would have reacted if it had happened two years earlier. Could this event be considered a turning point in her life?
11. What did you learn about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder from Just Checking? Would you be able to recognize symptoms in an acquaintance or relative?
AUTHOR INTERVIEW
Q: On more than one occasion, you refer to your condition as "insanity lite." Where did this expression come from, and at the time, did you think there was anything to be done to overcome that feeling?
A: The expression was basically a play on diet foods. All the taste, none of the good stuff. It was as if I was suffering as much as anyone else who had lost their mind, but since I was still able to be rational, since I knew what I was doing was bizarre, I wasn't really crazy. I had this belief that somehow life would be easier if I was just completely mad.
Q: You relate many personal details in Just Checking. Were there any that you found particularly difficult to share when you started writing?
A: I suppose the whole idea of people knowing this was what was wrong with me was hard to share. Once I started showing my writing to some friends, that got easier. As for specifics, I didn't write about anything that I wasn't comfortable with people knowing. In fact, if there was an event or experience that was too personal or that I couldn't make fun of in some way, then I left it out.
Q: Is there anything in the book you look back on and regret? Perhaps not getting treatment earlier?
A: No. I got treatment, took medicine when I was ready. I'm not sure I would have been able to stick it out if I had done it any sooner.
Q: Your memoir is written in a breezy, at times humorous tone, something you don't often see in recovery memoirs. How did you decide that Just Checking would be written in this manner?
A: I think the biggest compliment I got on the book was that I write how I talk. I'm just telling my story, and that people think it's funny is great. To me, being able to laugh is one of the best things.
Q: What is your life like now? Describe the changes that you've gone through.
A: You're actually asking that question at a particularly difficult time. I think, as far as the book is concerned, my life looks a lot different. I'm far less worried and not at all dependent on someone else to get me through the day. Now I just struggle with different things.
Q: What is the single most important piece of advice you can give to a reader currently suffering from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
A: I'm not sure I feel like I'm in a position to give advice. I'm no expert. I just told my story. I guess, like I say in the book, life is short. And it's hard as well. So do whatever you can to relieve your suffering.
Copyright © 1998 by Emily Colas