Jewish as a Second Language: How to Worry, How to Interrupt, How to Say the Opposite of What You Mean

by Molly Katz

Overview

It's a NICE book.

Forget Yiddish. Real Jewish is a secret language of nuance, argument, and somersaults of everyday speech; of wins, losses, and draws in competitions you had no idea you'd entered. It's everything from mastering the OAQ (Obsessive Anal Question) - "They'll de-ice the wings before we take off, right?" - to never, ever believing your mother-in-law when she says "Don't bother driving me, I'll take a cab." Now in a second edition that's bigger, better, and with more guilt, this is the indispensable guide.
 
Who knew?
* Jewish Cooking (the first two hours of boiling a chicken are just to make sure it's dead)
* Jewish Eating (you should eat eight times a day if you're diabetic - or if you're not)
* The Art of Two-Person Worrying (Jewish Ping-Pong)
* The hotel-room-changing gene, the always-at-the-doctor gene, and other genes only Jews have
* Boxing gloves, a rottweiler, Pop-Tarts, and fourteen other things you'll never find in a Jewish home
* And so much more. (Why not?)

 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780761158400
Publisher:	Workman Publishing Company
Publication date:	04/29/2010
Edition description:	Expanded second edition
Pages:	182
Sales rank:	788,577
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 7.55(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Molly Katz, author of humorous romance novels, psychological thrillers, and magazine and newspaper articles, is also a former stand-up comedian. She enjoys dancing, cooking, and traveling to places no sane person would go.

Read an Excerpt

WHERE TO CONVERSE

Whether we're talking with friends, acquaintances, clerks, or total strangers, the most enjoyable Jewish conversations are impromptu. They occur in the following locations.

At the Supermarket. When you run into a friend here, of course you must catch up. Select a narrow aisle piled with cartons. Position your shopping basket so no one can get by. Feel free to chat as long and as loudly as you wish. Ignore the glares of other shoppers-they're just jealous of the good time you're having.

In a Department Store. The salesclerk showing you a lipstick will be glad to wait while you catch up with the friend who's just greeted you. That's what she's there for. Never be so rude as to exclude her from your talk. If your friend doesn't think to get the clerk's input on her upcoming hysterectomy, you do it.

In a Restaurant. If you see people you know, hurry to the table no matter what stage of their meal it is. They'll be eager to chat with you and introduce their tablemates. Make sure everyone joins the conversation. They can eat anytime.

At a Party. Ignore all the guests you don't know; they can talk to their own friends. Scream to familiar faces to come join you. Spend the entire evening trying to outyell one another on the most inconsequential topics. You'll know you're doing this correctly when the room rings with shouts like "What do you mean you haven't fertilized your lawn all summer?"

On a Waiting Line. Jews love lines. Aside from the fact that finding one at the movie or other event we've picked confirms the brilliance of our choice, we consider a waiting line our personal studio audience.

As soon as you reach the line, ask the person in front of you if he or she is the end. Ask as many other questions as you can think of, even if the person obviously knows no more than you do. When you're out of questions, begin talking to whoever you came with. Keep up a running dialogue about everyone walking by and everything happening around you. Do this in a tone so loud that others on line know they're expected to join the conversation. With practice, you can hone this technique so exquisitely that bystanders feel guilty for keeping silent.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Developing Jewish Conversational Skills

Chapter 2: The Jewish Home

Chapter 3: Entertainment

Chapter 4: Your New Jewish Body

Chapter 5: Building Your New Jewish Economic Perspective

Chapter 6: Raising Your Jewish Child

Chapter 7: Joining in the Customs of Your New Jewish Family

Readiness Test