Table of Contents
Author's Note xi
Introduction xv
Part 1 For Better-Or Worse: How to Identify the Real Problem in Your Relationship 1
1 What in the World Did "I Do"? 3
Marriage may be challenging, but it isn't impossible
2 Why Marriage Can be so Hard 17
We're playing a game, and we don't even understand the rules
3 Don't be Afraid to Change First 44
How to become the front-runner for change in your marriage
Part 2 Now What Do I Do?: How to Implement Change by Yourself 69
4 It Gets a Lot Easier Once You Know What to Fix 71
If what you're doing isn't working, try something new
5 Keep Your Anxiety from Running the Show 90
Strengthen your tolerance for the things that push your buttons
What Happens Once You Calm Down? 111
Growing separately, together
7 The Big Picture 140
How to recognize what you're really fighting about
8 We All Play a Part 164
You have more power than you think
9 Marriage Is a Choice 181
Making peace with the little (and even big) things that drive us nuts
10 Hidden in Plain Sigh 194
How we get unhooked from our big-picture issues
Part 3 Welcome to Your Stronger, More Loving Relationship: How to Keep Learning and Growing-Separately and Together
11 360 Degrees and Sunny 219
The surprising truth about what makes happy couples happy
12 It Takes One to Tango 238
A pep talk for your journey
Acknowledgments 251
Appendix: Typical and Normal Ways People Avoid Differentiation 255
Notes 257