Table of Contents
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction 1
Part 1 The Bedrock of All Relationships
1 Early Connections: A Foundation for Love 9
The Basics of How You Connect 10
Four Styles of Attachment 13
Discovering Your Attachment Style 22
2 Understanding Why You Relate the Way You Do 25
Proximity: Protection from Danger 26
Safe Haven: The Need for Comfort 26
Secure Base: Support for Exploring the World 28
Balancing Autonomy and Closeness 29
Managing Your Emotions 34
Two Ways to Earn Security and Happy Relationships 40
Part 2 Discover Your Potential: Being Worthy of Love
3 Opening the Door to Change 45
Learning to See Yourself in a Positive Light 47
Confirming the "You" You Know 48
Confirming How You See Others 51
Closed-Loop Relationships 52
Pursuit-Withdrawal: A Common Relationship Problem 54
Summary: Gaining Perspective 59
4 Overcoming Obstacles 61
Self-Deception 62
The Logic Stops Here 64
How Pain Motivates Change 67
The Need for New Experiences 69
Part 3 Compassionate Self-Awareness: The Antidote to Relationship Anxiety
5 A Path to Deep, Lasting Security 73
Self-Awareness 75
Self-Compassion 82
The Healing Power of Compassionate Self-Awareness 87
6 Developing Self-Awareness 91
Facing Your Ambivalence 92
Nurturing Awareness of Emotions 93
Transforming Your Thoughts with Greater Awareness 104
Mentalizing 108
Final Thoughts on Self-Awareness 112
7 Creating Self-Compassion 113
Common Humanity 115
Mindfulness 117
Self-Kindness 123
Compassionate Self-Awareness in a Nutshell 129
Part 4 Lighting Up Your Love Life
8 Finding Someone Who Will Accept You and Warm Your Heart 133
Set a Goal for a Healthy Relationship 133
What to Look for in a Partner 135
Panning for Gold 139
Spin a Supportive Web 142
9 Nurturing a Relationship You Feel Secure In 145
Self-Disclosure 146
Interdependence: Being One "Whole Half" 147
Keeping Your Connection Going 151
Accentuate the Positive 152
On Being Grateful 157
It Takes Work to Tango 159
10 Working It Out 161
Asking for Support 162
Talking Through Conflicts 165
The Gift of Forgiveness 167
Moving On 170
Closing Thoughts 175
References 179