If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Wife

by Gary Smalley

Overview

Over 600,000 copies sold!

The perfect guide for husbands who want to love their wives and strengthen their marriages in a way like never before.

So you want your wife to . . .

• Understand you?
• Appreciate you?
• Be more responsive sexually?
• Support you during hard times?
• Admire you?
• Share your interests?
• Listen to what you have to say?

In this revised and updated edition of his classic bestseller, Gary Smalley explains a woman's deepest needs, shows men how to meet those needs, and gives ten simple steps to strengthen any marriage. He helps men to understand not only how to respond to a woman's feelings, but also how to make her feel important.

Using the latest research, humorous and touching illustrations from his own life, as well as case histories and biblical examples, Gary Smalley maps a blueprint to a better marriage that will have a deep and lasting impact on men and their wives.

Companion to For Better or for Best. Spanish edition also available.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780310599319
Publisher:	Zondervan
Publication date:	05/08/2012
Sold by:	HarperCollins Publishing
Format:	eBook
Pages:	176
Sales rank:	910,003
File size:	2 MB
Age Range:	18 Years

About the Author

Gary Smalley was one of the country’s best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. In addition to writing The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love with John Trent, their book The Language of Love (newly revised and updated) won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life. His national infomercial, Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships, has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Read an Excerpt

If Only I Knew

Before I approached Gary about writing a "marriage book for men," I knew his material was good, but I had no idea how meaningful it would be to me personally. After all, I had been married for almost ten years and I was nearly an "ideal husband" ... I thought. As I began to work with Gary on the material for this book, it became more and more clear that I was not a successful husband by any stretch of the imagination. I was providing for my wife's material needs and some of her physical needs, but that's where it stopped.

As I got deeper into the content, I realized that for years I had been unaware of many of my wife's emotional needs. For years, she had to put up with a husband whose callousness and indifference forced her to suffer through day after day of not having her deeper needs lovingly satisfied. I am extremely grateful for all that I have learned in the past two months. At last my eyes have been opened, and I see my wife as the unique, beautiful individual that she really is. I am devoting the rest of my life to becoming the husband she deserves. The content of this book not only opened my eyes to my wife and her needs, but it gave me concrete ways to meet those needs. If you get one-tenth the value from this book that I have gleaned from its pages, it will be the most valuable book you'll ever read about marriage. Steve Scott

Chapter 1

How to Drive Your Wife Away Without Even Trying

"You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way." 1 Peter 3: 7

AT THE OTHER end of the phone a quivering voice said, "You've got to help me. She has a court order against me." George was coming to me for help after his relationship with his wife was already in shreds. "We've been married over twenty years, and she won't even let me back in the house. I can't believe she would treat me this way after all I've done for her. Can you help us get back together?"

Before I answered his question, I wanted to talk to his wife. "There's no way you can talk to Barbara," he said. "She wouldn't talk to you. The moment you say you're representing me in any way, she'll hang up on you."

"I've never been turned down by a wife yet," I assured him, "so we might as well see if this will be the first time. Would you give me her phone number?"

To be honest, as grim as things sounded, I did wonder if she would be the first wife not willing to talk to me about her marital strife. But my doubts were unfounded--she was more than anxious to discuss their problems.

"What would it take for you to be willing to let your husband back into your life? What would have to happen before you would try to rebuild a marriage relationship with him?" Those were the same questions I had asked many wives who claimed they didn't want their husbands back.

Her response was typical. "I can't possibly answer that question. He's the worst husband in the world, so I wouldn't think of taking him back. I can't stand his personality or his offensive habits any more." The court order would take care of him, she told me. "Just keep him away!"

I gently asked her if she could tell me the things he had done to offend her. When I heard her response, I said, "It sounds like he hasn't been a very sensitive and gentle husband, has he?"

Once again I asked her to stretch her imagination and think about what changes would be necessary before she would take him back.

There was plenty of room for improvement, she told me. First, he was too domineering and critical of her. Second, he tried to control her every move with a possessive grip. Third, he trampled her sense of self-worth with constant ridicule. And fourth, although he always had time for business and other interests, he seldom took time to listen to her. On top of all that, he spied on her and didn't give her any freedom.

"Don't get any ideas, though," she told me at the end of our conversation. "Because no matter what, I won't stop the divorce."

When I relayed these complaints to George, I knew I had touched some sensitive spots. He defended himself and accused her. I let him rant for a while before asking, "Do you want your wife back?"

"Yes, I'd do anything to get her back," he said.

"Good. I'm always willing to work with someone ready to readjust his life. But if you're not totally serious, let me know now. I don't like to play games." Again he committed himself to change, but his commitment didn't last beyond my next statement. "We're going to have to work on your domineering and possessive nature. It shows you don't genuinely love your wife."

He fumed and spouted, defended and fought so much I began to wonder if he really would commit himself to the necessary changes.

"I've never met a more belligerent, stubborn man in my entire life!" I exclaimed.

Suddenly subdued, he responded, "That's not my nature. I'm usually rather submissive inside. Maybe I'm putting up a front because I'm really not a pushy person. I feel like people run all over me."

"I don't think you and I are talking about the same person," I responded. "If I were your wife, I'm not sure I could bear up emotionally under your domineering personality."

That stopped him long enough for him to give our conversation some serious thought. After talking to his friends and even praying that God would help him understand, he returned to my office, able to confess his faults and ready to change.

Table of Contents

1.	How to Drive Your Wife Away Without Even Trying	9
2.	Where Have All the Feelings Gone?	25
3.	If Your Wife Doesn't Win First Place, You Lose!	39
4.	Your Wife Needs Your Shoulder, Not Your Mouth	53
5.	Climbing Out of Marriage's Deepest Pit	67
6.	What No Woman Can Resist	97
7.	What Women Admire Most About Men	107
8.	If Your Wife's Not Protected, You Get Neglected	117
9.	Arguments ... There's a Better Way	129
10.	A Successful Marriage ... It's Easier Than You Think	143
11.	So You Want a Perfect Wife	155
12.	Watch Out! It Can Happen to You	169
	Resources	172