IF

by Gabriel Archer, Jack Canaan

Overview

Attention parents! Tired of teaching your children the difference between right and wrong? Don't have the time to keep your kids out of trouble? Don't trust the sub-par education system? Get MetaFic. Inc's patented IF Chip today!

Its a simple out-patient procedure covered by most major health insurance providers! Painless and fast!

The IF Chip's patented synoptic technology reacts with your child's neural cortex to create an imaginary friend fully customizable by you. Together with our imaginary experts, you will choose the fantastical companion and settings right for your child's particular needs.

Your child may choose from such imaginary pals as kittens, puppies, rabbits (our best selling model!), fairies, squirrels, princesses (an instant classic), superheroes (may cause heights-related injuries), lamas or even a camel (our best selling Middle Eastern model).

Choose your own religion setting from "fanatical _____" to "rabid atheist." Choose your child's intellectual setting from "future Nobel prize winner" to "at least she's pretty." Select our premium "problem child" setting and watch as your child becomes a model citizen with our special "Mild Mind Mend Meld" therapy .

Come to our imaginarium centers for a free consultation today, or e-mail us with questions and comments.

From MetaFic, Inc.

Warning: Not FDA approved. Long term effects of the IF Chip have not been studied. MetaFic, Inc. disclaims all uses for a specific purpose. Not recommended for kids over 16. May cause psychological defects and mental scarring. Requires immature mature sense of humor. May lead to slight sexual stimulation. Not recommended for camels. Best read naked.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940015897142
Publisher:	MetaFic, Inc.
Publication date:	10/29/2012
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
File size:	491 KB

About the Author

Captain Gabriel Archer, IX, Ph. D., Esq. is a world-class lothario. There is a high probability that he slept with your wife or - if you are a beautiful woman - you. Mr. Archer is an expert marksman and can shoot an a amoeba off a fly's head. He practices law in NYC for fun. He is the first sword of the Empire. He endorses self-reliance over political candidates. His hobbies include your wife (or, quite possibly, you, Mrs. Dear Reader); writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Jack Canaan; creating fictitious and utterly true autobiographies; and breathlessly staring at the mirror.  He has an advance doctorate in armchair philosophy and has spent years learning to make armchairs from Buddhist monks high in Himalayan mountains. He looks striking in a tuxedo.  Although warned many times not to,  he went there. He also discovered Martha's Vineyard in 1602. 

Sir Jack Canaan ibn Hatzel, Sr., M.D. is a world-class lothario. There is a high probability that he slept with one of the women you know, or - if you are that woman - you. He is so pleasant that imaginary friends invented him for company. Dr. Canaan has worked for every single intelligence agency in the world, often double- and triple-crossing himself to the point that he remained loyal. He is a veteran of the First Angelic War and the Second Lebanese War. His hobbies include pleasing dear readers; writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Gabriel Archer; ripping wings off angels; and unmasking hypocrisies. Ancient Canaan is named after him. He once had a date with destiny, but stood her up in favor of a ménage à trois with fate and karma. He does everything better naked.