I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting

I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting

by Karen Alpert


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Now that I’m a mom, I know the most painful part isn’t getting something giant through your hooha. It’s having a real live child.

If you are the kind of mom who shapes your kiddo’s organic quinoa into reproductions of the Mona Lisa, do not read this book. If you stayed up past midnight to create posters for your PTO presidential campaign, do not read this book. If you look down your nose at parents who have Domino’s pizza on speed dial, do not read this book.

But if you are the kind of parent who accidentally goes ballistic on your rugrats every morning because they won’t put their shoes on and then you feel super guilty about it all day so you take them to McDonald’s for a special treat but really it’s because you opened up your freezer and panicked because you forgot to buy more frozen pizzas, then absolutely read this book.

I Want My Epidural Back is a celebration of mediocre parents and how awesome they are and how their kids love them just as much as children with perfect parents. Karen Alpert’s honest but hilarious observations, stories, quips and pictures will have you nodding your head and peeing in your pants. Or on the toilet if you’re smart and read it there.

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780062427083
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 04/05/2016
Pages: 320
Sales rank: 955,892
Product dimensions: 5.80(w) x 7.20(h) x 1.30(d)

About the Author

Karen Alpert loves her family, chocolate and writing, in that order. So when she’s not taking care of her kiddos or drinking Hershey’s syrup straight from the bottle, she’s probably working on her blog Baby Sideburns where she entertains hundreds of thousands of stressed out parents every day. She is a New York Times bestselling author and also an expert nagger who relentlessly badgers her husband until he finally breaks down and does what she wants.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Be the Best Damn Mediocre Parent You Can Be 5

You might he a mediocre mom if… 7

Girl Scout troop leaders F'ing rock, which is exactly why I shouldn't be one 12

Shit I do that I know I shouldn't do 22

A love letter to another mediocre mom 26

A completely unscientific study about multitasking 30

Twenty-eight ways being a mom is like being in prison 37

Tell Those Overachieving Moms to Suck It 41

Only a-holes send chain letters 43

A bunch of things I do that would make overachieving moms think I'm a shitty mom, and maybe they're right but I don't care 48

Yo douchebags who constantly brag on Facebook, this chapter's for you 53

But all you did on your birthday was slide out my hooha 59

You Want to Watch My Child? BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh Wait, You're Serious 67

A letter to my kids' teachers 69

Halle-F'ing-lujah, both kids are finally in school 73

"What NOT to F'ing do when you're taking care of your grandkids 83

The really serious chapter about something that sucks big-time 88

And for Dinner I Gave My Kids an Eating Disorder 95

Every. F'ing. Night. 97

How to properly ruin a friend's BBQ 101

Dear parents who don't think it's fair to ban nuts from school 108

Once upon a time there was a green bean 112

Conversations I've had with my picky eaters 117

Allllllllll the things my kids won't eat, even if they are literally starving to death 119

Here an Orifice, There an Orifice, Everywhere an Orifice Orifice 123

One SINGLE trip to the bathroom with my kid 125

Introducing the newest Olympic event… Synchronized Pooping!!! 133

Well, that was fun. Not 138

Shake it off, shake it off (and if that doesn't work, get a sponge) 146

I Tried the Crying it Out Method … I'm Still Crying 153

Bedtime is for succccckers 155

How NOT to keep your kiddo awake in the car 161

I lovvvvvve sleepovers … when they're at somebody else's house 168

Reasons my kid wakes me up and what I say back, sometimes out loud and sometimes in my head 173

How the F to Entertain Your Rug Rats When You Have Nothing to Do 177

Dear Sesame Street, I LOVVVVVVE you 181

It's up to you: die of boredom or die of Ebola 185

Peeew peeew peeewww and other sounds that make me want to chop my ears off 193

All in favor of feeding rat poison to Chuck E. Cheese, say aye!! 197

Gag me with a 5-Minute Spider-Man Story 204

MY Hubby is Awesome (But Not as Awesome as Me) 211

What you should REALLY F'ing look for in a husband 213

Men are from Mars, where apparently they don't make PB&Js 217

A bunch of shit my hubby does better than me 223

Et ee um a-er owls 228

When I stopped liking sex (Grandma, please don't read this chapter) 232

You didn't think I'd just write a chapter about all the shit he does right, did you? 242

Teach Your Douchenugget to be Less Douchey and More Nuggety 249

Make sure people don't like you for your bagina 252

I'd totally kick your ass if my toenails weren't still drying 256

Boy, was I wrong 262

Thinking outside the penalty box 270

One of the worst feelings in the world 276

One fish, two fish, red fish, gross fish 284

AWWW Shit, WHATTA You Mean They Grow Up?? 289

If you have a vajayjay and she has a vajayjay, you're on the same team 291

Dear lady I just saw breastfeeding at a restaurant 295

Twelve things I will always miss about being preggers 300

Just a little sumpin' sumpin' I had Zoey sign before she could read 305

The last chapter 308

Acknowledgments 310

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