Humorous Readings & Recitations

CONTENTS.

PAGE

ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE _F. Anstey_ 1
THE TROUBLES OF A TRIPLET _W. Beatty-Kingston_ 8
SLIGHTLY DEAF _Bracebridge Hemming_ 10
THE LADY FREEMASON _H. T. Craven_ 18
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT! _F. B. Harrison_ 24
THE FATAL LEGS _Walter Browne_ 27
THE CALIPH'S JESTER _From the Arabic_ 29
A JOURNEY IN SEARCH OF NOTHING _Wilkie Collins_ 32
GEMINI AND VIRGO _C. S. Calverley_ 37
KING BIBBS _James Albery_ 41
MOLLY MULDOON _Anonymous_ 48
THE HARMONIOUS LOBSTERS _Robert Reece_ 52
THE PROVINCIAL LANDLADY _H. Chance Newton_ 57
MY MATRIMONIAL PREDICAMENT _Leopold Wagner_ 58
ETIQUETTE _W. S. Gilbert_ 62
A LOST SHEPHERD _Frank Barrett_ 65
A MATHEMATIC MADNESS _F. P. Dempster_ 70
WAITING AT TOTTLEPOT _J. Ashby-Sterry_ 72
MARRIED TO A GIANTESS _Walter Parke_ 75
THE VISION OF THE ALDERMAN _Henry S. Leigh_ 79
THE DEMON SNUFFERS _Geo. Manville Fenn_ 80
THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER _Lewis Carroll_ 86
MY BROTHER HENRY _J. M. Barrie_ 89
A NIGHT WITH A STORK _W. E. Wilcox_ 92
THE FAITHFUL LOVERS _F. C. Burnand_ 95
THE WAIL OF A BANNER-BEARER _Arthur Matthison_ 96
THE DREAM OF THE BILIOUS BEADLE _Arthur Shirley_ 99
MY FRIEND TREACLE _Watkin-Elliott_ 101
THE VOICE OF THE SLUGGARD _Anonymous_ 107
ARTEMUS WARD'S VISIT TO THE TOWER
OF LONDON _Chas. Farrar Browne_ 108
MR. CAUDLE HAS LENT AN ACQUAINTANCE
THE FAMILY UMBRELLA _Douglas Jerrold_ 111
DOMESTIC ASIDES _Tom Hood_ 113
THE CHARITY DINNER _Litchfield Moseley_ 115
ACTING WITH A VENGEANCE _W. Sapte, Jun._ 120
MY FORTNIGHT AT WRETCHEDVILLE _George Augustus Sala_ 126
THE SORROWS OF WERTHER _W. M. Thackeray_ 132
MORAL MUSIC _Anonymous_ 133
BILLY DUMPS, THE TAILOR _Charles Clark_ 136
ON PUNNING _Theodore Hook_ 139
SEASIDE LODGINGS _Percy Reeve_ 140

HUMOROUS READINGS

AND

RECITATIONS.

ACCOMPANIED ON THE FLUTE.

F. ANSTEY.

The Consul Duilius was entertaining Rome in triumph after his celebrated
defeat of the Carthaginian fleet at Mylæ. He had won a great naval
victory for his country with the first fleet that it had ever
possessed--which was naturally a gratifying reflection, and he would
have been perfectly happy now if he had only been a little more
comfortable.

But he was standing in an extremely rickety chariot, which was crammed
with his nearer relations, and a few old friends, to whom he had been
obliged to send tickets. At his back stood a slave, who held a heavy
Etruscan crown on the Consul's head, and whenever he thought his master
was growing conceited, threw in the reminder that he was only a man
after all--a liberty which at any other time he might have had good
reason to regret.

Then the large Delphic wreath, which Duilius wore as well as the crown,
had slipped down over one eye, and was tickling his nose, while (as both
his hands were occupied, one with a sceptre the other with a laurel
bough, and he had to hold on tightly to the rail of the chariot whenever
it jolted) there was nothing to do but suffer in silence.

They had insisted, too, upon painting him a beautiful bright red all
over, and though it made him look quite new, and very shining and
splendid, he had his doubts at times whether it was altogether becoming,
and particularly whether he would ever be able to get it off again.

But these were but trifles after all, and nothing compared with the
honour and glory of it!

Humorous Readings & Recitations