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| ISBN-13: | 9781569762318 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Chicago Review Press, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 09/01/2006 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 208 |
| File size: | 4 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
How to Rent a Negro
By Damali Ayo
Chicago Review Press Incorporated
Copyright © 2005 damali ayoAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-56976-231-8
CHAPTER 1
Getting Over That Helpless Feeling
It finally happens. There you are, just like every other Tuesday, having lunch with the usual group — friends, colleagues, and local gossips. You share opinions on politics and people. You exchange the standard complaints about the weather and the boredom of work. You admire your ability to withstand it all with a winning smile and a stylish suit. Everything seems perfectly normal, a relaxed routine. Then, as you put down your sparkling water and pick up your cappuccino, you look around and realize that something about this gathering seems particularly pale.
What could it be? Just then the white waiter in his white uniform brings your white pasta, covered by a white sauce that you quickly spill on your white napkin. You look up from the white-on-white stain and examine the faces of your luncheon companions: white, white, white, and ... white. You are momentarily stunned. You interrogate yourself. "Is everyone I know white?" You stop, this time fully frozen at the thought. "This can't be true. Not everyone I know is white. "You pause, thinking of a particularly suntanned friend who might emerge as an exception to the monotone. Then you realize, "Darn, he's white too." You think back to your parents' friends. Surely there was an older black person you knew when you were young. No, all of their friends were white as well. You struggle to find the only exception, thinking, "Can I count the cleaning lady who came to our house once a week?"
You ponder hopefully but admit defeat when you realize, "I don't think I even knew the cleaning lady's last name." You take a deep breath. "How did this happen?" you ask yourself. "Has it always been this way and I'm only now becoming aware? How could I be so out of touch, so behind the times?" You've heard all the talk about diversity and multiculturalism and you pride yourself on being in sync with current trends. How did this one pass you by? Your favorite television show used to have all white characters, and now there's a black character on it. You always get the latest fashion ideas from that show, and you don't want to miss out on this new accessory. Maybe you've wondered what it would be like to talk with or be friends with a black person. Your boss keeps saying she wants to increase diversity. Introducing her to a black person might get you that sought-after corner office with the window. Your ex is dating a black person; now you want one of your own. But how do you add this much-needed color to your life? Where do you start?
You are reluctant to bring up your realizations with your white cohorts. You don't know what your friends might think of inserting a black person into their lives. Maybe there's a reason everyone at your lunch table is white. Maybe black people just don't belong in your group. They can be so ... you know. What if your friends want things to stay the way they are? Will they ostracize you as some kind of renegade, radical, or fetishist? Will they think you've gone too far in your pursuit of the latest fashions? You think back to last month when you showed up at lunch with a new designer briefcase. It was a nontraditional color, and now all your friends have one too. You feel confident that you will be similarly followed in this new trendsetting act. But will they know what to say to a black person? The situation could turn pretty awkward. This idea sounds entertaining. You could have a lot of fun. It could be a great adventure to spice up your social scene with some color, just to show how unpredictable and radical you are.
On the other hand, what if your friends already know black people? Are you the only one with a monochromatic view of the world? You certainly aren't going to point that out. But how do you change the situation with subtlety and style? "How and where can I meet black people?" isn't the kind of casual reference you can ask from a friend, like you might ask for tips on the latest diet, sports bets, or the best cosmetic dentist. You think, "I have to do this on my own."
CHAPTER 2Know Thyself: Reasons for Renting
Since the purchase of African Americans was outlawed, renting has become a tradition taught and refined through generations. Now that you know that you want a black presence in your life, exactly what kind of presence do you want? Do you want your guests challenged or just entertained? Are you looking to create waves or appear in-the-know? What are your expectations? Renters are as unique as snowflakes. They can be anyone from the wealthiest executive to the most modest worker. Education, economics, geography, age, and gender do not limit anyone from becoming a renter. Use the quotes below to determine what kind of renter you are.
"He was a pleasant surprise. I expected someone not so calm and endearing."
— MP, county employee
You might be a renter like MP. When you think of black people, do you think: angry, hostile, too outspoken? Perhaps you need exposure to the kind of black person who can put your mind at ease. You too might be pleasantly surprised at how calm and endearing black people really are.
"She keeps my life interesting!"
— MK, auto mechanic
The old adage goes, "Variety is the spice of life." So, many renters find themselves after a rental or two enjoying the excitement that black people add to their lives. Many of these renters turn into lifelong customers. Some even begin to develop meaningful relationships with black people. Once you get used to having black people in your life, you'll wonder how you ever lived without them!
"I took him to the country club for lunch ... all heads turned!"
— TH, executive director
"After seeing me with her, people wanted to know more about ME! I've never gotten so much attention!"
— KL, musician
These two classic renters were enamored of the extra attention they got from having a black person at their side in a public venue. You might be a leader in your profession who wants your peers to see that you can relate to everyone regardless of race. These kinds of public rentals can advance your public image and reputation. You'll be surprised how much more interesting you seem to your friends and colleagues when they find out you know a black person. They will envy your spirit of adventure. Soon they'll be asking you if you rock climb or skydive. Your social calendar will become filled with activities you never dreamed possible. You may even find yourself becoming nominated for public office as "the candidate of the people."
"My only black friend just got the flu and my big party is tomorrow!"
— BK, food server
In a pinch? Running out of black people? Renting can bail you out. You'd hate people to think you don't know any black people just because the ones you know are unavailable.
"We try to diversify while we work on social issues, but we can't do it all!"
— JO, nonprofit board member
Nonprofit businesses are perfect candidates to become rental clients. How can you fight child abuse, terrorism, and environmental decay and hire black people? Sometimes even the helpers need a little help.
"I used to worry that I was a racist. Now I know I'm not."
— PS, artist
Sometimes it helps to say you know a black person to show others in your community that you aren't racist. One racist in the neighborhood can make everyone look bad. Don't be that guy.
"Now I understand black people so much better, I want to share the experience with all my friends."
— JJ, convenience store manager
You might be the kind of renter who has a healthy curiosity about all kinds of things, and direct experience is the best way to learn. Do you often find yourself saying, "If I just had a black person to talk to, I could ask them all my questions." Renting has been the answer for many people. This can help end the frustrations you have when interacting with black people in general. Do you always seem to be saying the wrong things? Renting is a great way to practice saying the right things. The next time you talk to a black person, you'll be prepared.
"My generation was different: I didn't know any black people. But my son has a few black friends. Sometimes he seems embarrassed by me because all my friends are white. I can't have my son thinking bad of me. Thank goodness for rent-a-negro!"
— FR, small business owner
All parents want to be up to date and in touch with their kids. One way to do this is by sharing your children's interests. After a few rentals, FR's son is proud to invite his dad and his dad's black buddy to school functions. He is proud to have his friends over to his house for social events. He can know his own black friends will be more comfortable when they see that FR is "down."
"My friends still ask, 'How is that black friend of yours?'"
— TY, physician
TY has taken a popular approach to renting. He meets with a black person for one-on-one informational sessions but attends social events by himself. This way, he doesn't sacrifice any of his well-earned attention. His peers ask about his black friend, but all the focus stays on TY. When black issues come up, TY is quick to share his insight. He proudly interjects, "My black friend says ..." and all eyes turn to him.
"I'm delighted to show her off. She is a real professional!"
— GB, university president
Having a charity event? White guilt can put your guests in an ungiving mood. Bring a rental who is content, comforting, and easy to talk to. This will reduce symptoms of white guilt and allow people to kick back and enjoy themselves.
"I bring her to my political group meetings. Now we don't have to discuss how to reach out to minority communities anymore. We can talk about real issues."
— AG, grassroots organizer
These days all organizations are being challenged about diversity. Political groups, no matter what side of the liberal or conservative fence they sprout on, need to show that they attract black participants. This can be a pesky and hard-to-resolve issue. Renting makes easy work of this common dilemma and allows your group to focus on the issues central to your mission.
"Ever since I brought him to my cousin's wedding, everyone in my family thinks I'm a rebel!"
— RT, college student
Once in a while you get the urge to shake things up with your friends or family. Bringing a black person to the next group event is a surefire way to turn heads and start people talking. Why not have a little fun the next time you have to go to a boring high school reunion or another baby shower? Bring a rental and just wait for the reactions!
"Black people really are as much fun as they seem in the movies!"
— KP, delivery truck driver
That black comedian you saw on cable TV last week was really funny. That book your book club just read, by a black author, wasn't half bad. Now you have this inexplicable desire to talk to black people. But you're worried you might not like the first, second, or third black person you meet. Renting lets you try out as many different kinds of black people you want until you find one you are comfortable with.
CHAPTER 3Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
How do I rent a negro?
Many people are already active renters and have been for years. In fact, it is quite common practice for renters to use and reuse the services of black people without permission or compensation. This goes to show that it's not as hard as you might think to enlist a black person for your personal gain. If you are a new renter, start by determining the rental approach best suited to your needs. If you are already renting, it may be time to recognize and refine your technique. Ask yourself, "Have I paid for the services I've utilized or have I just been racking up debt?" Becoming familiar with your rental techniques is the first step on the road to living debt free.
Who is a rent-a-negro?
Most black people are qualified to fill your need for an authentic black presence. Many have a lifetime of experience in the field. As children, black people are often required to introduce black perspectives into schools, neighborhoods, or community groups. Young rentals learn to expertly answer persistent questions about black history, hair, food, culture, and politics. This work continues throughout adolescence and adulthood, cultivating an expertise in the field. By the time many black people are adults, their rental skills have become so fine-tuned, they ought to be held in the same regard as the most well-trained doctors and lawyers, many of whom have only a fraction of the training and hands-on experience of a top-notch rental.
Is renting discreet and confidential?
Absolutely! No one will know you are renting except you and your rental. In fact, renting can be so subtle that you've probably rented already without even being aware of it yourself. Rentals are highly skilled and maintain strict professional confidentiality. Your friends and colleagues will only know what you choose to tell them. Don't worry. They'll be so impressed that you know such interesting people, they'll never suspect you of renting.
What can I expect once I rent?
After approving your rental request, your rental will ask you to sign an agreement and may ask for half the rental fees in advance. Then the rent-a-negro will attend your event and interact according to the expectations outlined in the contract. All you have to do is enjoy your event and the enthusiastic, provocative responses of your guests, friends, or colleagues.
What if I am unsatisfied with my rent-a-negro?
They best way to insure customer satisfaction is to be up front about your rental needs before you rent. It is often the spontaneous rental or the unnegotiated rental that can leave both parties frustrated, unsatisfied, and even wary of renting again. Nip this syndrome in the bud. When you make your rental request, list all your needs in detail. Do you want your rental to argue with your racist grandmother? Make this clear beforehand. Would you rather your rental avoid topics such as racism, affirmative action, and reparations? Better let him know. Do you know if your friends will want a spontaneous dance lesson? Plan ahead so that your rental wears comfortable shoes. Talking about these types of needs with your rental can give you a sense of how well you will work together. You might even find that direct and honest communication can be a lot of fun!
How much does it cost?
Rental services are both practical and affordable, priced per hour and type. Chapter 4 contains some suggested rental rates competitive with other specialty services such as auto maintenance, investment brokerage, electrical repair, and tutoring. Like rental services, it's best to hire a professional for these services because you just don't have the skills to do them yourself.
Certain features may come at an extra cost. These are the little things that make each rental special. For example, will you or your guests want to ask a large number of questions? A high-question-volume fee is standard, much like paying for extra wear-and-tear on a rented tuxedo.
If you can't afford to pay your rental, don't assume he or she will do the work for free. Instead, consider saving up for a rental or combining funds with other members of your community. Group rentals are a common way to introduce the value of black people into a community or social group. At a later date you may be able to afford an individual rental. If your circumstances fit charitable criteria, a rental might consider your appeal as a part of their volunteer pursuits. Many rentals contribute to needy communities through pro bono work.
How does billing work?
Your rental will present you with an invoice (see page 142) that details the agreed-upon services and a fee estimate. Some rentals may accept your personal check or credit card as well as cash.
If you impulse rent (see chapter 6) or have rented without payment or paperwork in the past, there is a possibility that you may be presented with a retroactive bill. Remember the friend you asked a black opinion of last week? You owe him $75 for that. Did you ask your only black friend to mentor a child in your volunteer program? That could tally over $200. Whoops, did you forget to pay for the time you touched a black person's hair? That's another $100 on your tab. Some rentals offer a reduced rate if you tally your own past-due bill. Take advantage of this. Few creditors would be so generous!
How do I start?
You've probably started already. An effective way to find this out is to ask the black people you know if you are behind in your rental payments. They may already have an account set up for you. Repeat renting is the best way to secure the future services of a rent-a-negro. Simply rehire the people who have already worked for you. You know that they are reliable service providers, so why not give them some repeat business?
But I don't know any black people.
That's why you need to rent! Though black people can be found in almost every region in this country, you may be one of the many people who find themselves at a loss for black connections. Maybe you're even a little scared. Don't worry. There are plenty of ways to fill your rental needs that keep you in the driver's seat. Many renters begin with spontaneous renting: just walk right up to any black person and carry out one of the popular approaches or quickie rentals presented in chapters 4 and 6. If you aren't quite so outgoing, simply place an ad in the local newspaper or a community Web site, or hang some posters around town for the services you seek. Just let your needs lead you. It's easy!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from How to Rent a Negro by Damali Ayo. Copyright © 2005 damali ayo. Excerpted by permission of Chicago Review Press Incorporated.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Acknowledgments,Welcome!,
Baby, I Was Born to Rent,
1. Getting Over That Helpless Feeling,
2. Know Thyself: Reasons for Renting,
3. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ),
4. Bring it On: Popular Approaches,
5. Tools of the Trade: Renter Resources,
You're So Articulate! Handy Terms,
Check You Out: A Checklist for the Prospective Renter,
Let it Rip! Easy Tear-Out Tools for Renters,
6. Quickies: Impulse Renting,
7. Don't Shoot! It's Only a Rental: A Special Segment for Law Enforcement Officers,
Do You Want Fries with That Negro?,
Sample Rental Applications,
So You Want to Be a Rental?,
8. Getting Over That Helpless Feeling,
9. How Can I Tell If I'm Being Rented? A Quiz,
10. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ),
11. Walk This Way: Becoming a Successful Rental,
12. Tools of the Trade: Renter Resources,
Playing by the Rules: Guidelines for Your Renters,
Card Carrying: Authentic African American Business Card,
Pony Up! A Sample Invoice,
13. White Noise: Common Questions You'll Have to Answer,
14. Sailing Through the Stress: Wellness Techniques,
15. Cash or Check Only: Charging for Your Services,
AfterWords,
16. There Are Rentals I Remember: Stories from the Field,
17. Through the Looking Glass: The Future of Renting a Negro,
18. Dear Negro: Letters to rent-a-negro.com,