How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

by Logan Ury

Overview

A “must-read” (The Washington Post) funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions, including whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, and when to commit to the right one. But our brains often get in the way. We make poor decisions, which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love.

Drawing from years of research, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes. But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results. You have to actually change your behavior. Ury shows you how.

This “simple-to-use guide” (Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone) focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn:
-What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern)
-What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t)
-How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you)
-How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love)
-How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews)
-Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway)

This “data-driven” (Time), step-by-step guide to relationships, complete with hands-on exercises, is designed to transform your life. How to Not Die Alone will help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781982120634
Publisher:	Simon & Schuster
Publication date:	02/01/2022
Pages:	352
Sales rank:	18,062
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury is an internationally recognized expert on modern love. As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, Logan leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, she ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab—and created the popular interview series “Talks at Google: Modern Romance.” She is a 2018 TED Resident. Logan lives in the Bay Area with her husband, Scott. She credits her relationship success to the techniques outlined in How to Not Die Alone. Learn more at LoganUry.com or follow her @LoganUry.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before

KEY TAKEAWAYS

1. Dating is harder now than ever before. And you can tell your mom I said that.
2. Here’s why:
   • We define our own identities, unlike our ancestors, whose lives were defined by their communities.
   • We have thousands of options at our fingertips, which causes us to question our decisions.
   • We’re uncomfortable making big decisions when we can’t research our way to the right answer.
   • Social media leads us to believe that everyone else is in healthier, happier relationships than we are.
   • Far too few of us have good relationship role models.
   • There are far more models for dating and long-term relationships.
   • We’re bombarded with messaging that we need to get this decision “right”—and that a right answer exists at all.
3. But there’s hope. Using insights from behavioral science, we can take control of our love lives.

Table of Contents

Author's Note ix

Introduction 1

Section 1 Getting Ready

Chapter 1 Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before

How to Understand the Challenges of Modern Dating 9

Chapter 2 The Three Dating Tendencies

How to Discover Your Dating Blind Spots 17

Chapter 3 Disney Lied to Us

How to Overcome the Romanticizer Tendency 23

Chapter 4 Don't Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great

How to Overcome the Maximizer Tendency 37

Chapter 5 Don't Wait, Date

How to Overcome the Hesitater Tendency 49

Chapter 6 Learn Your Attachment Style

How to Manage Your Attachment Style 65

Chapter 7 Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date

How to Focus on What Matters in a Long-Term Partner 75

Section 2 Getting Out There

Chapter 8 You Think You Know What You Want, but You're Wrong

How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Online Dating 105

Chapter 9 Meet People IRL (In Real Life)

How to Find Love off the Dating Apps 131

Chapter 10 This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview

How to Create Better Dates 149

Chapter 11 F**k the Spark

How to Reject Myths About Instant Chemistry 171

Chapter 12 Go on the Second Date

How to Decide if You Should See Someone Again 179

Section 3 Getting Serious

Chapter 13 Decide, Don't Slide

How to Consciously Navigate Relationship Milestones 199

Chapter 14 Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching

How to Decide if You Should Break Up 211

Chapter 15 Make a Breakup Plan

How to Break Up with Someone 231

Chapter 16 Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss

How to Overcome Heartbreak 251

Chapter 17 Before You Tie the Knot, Do This

How to Decide if You Should Get Married 267

Chapter 18 Intentional love

How to Build Relationships That Last 279

Acknowledgments 289

Appendix

Critical Conversation Planning Doc 295

Relationship Contract; Self-Reflection Worksheet 299

Relationship Contract 305

Notes 319

Editorial Reviews

"Logan Ury's practical, no-nonsense approach to dating is a masterclass in behavioral science. It's also warm, funny, and full of heart. How Not to Die Alone is an essential guide to debunking the myths of modern romance and finding a relationship that's truly worth investing in."

MANDY LEN CATRON

"A must-read book on meeting your future partner."

The Washington Post

In How to Not Die Alone, dating coach Logan Ury compiles the research on what trips people up when looking for love and lays it all out in a simple-to-use guide. If you need a perspective shift, this is a book you’ll want to keep on hand as you navigate the modern dating terrain.

LORI GOTTLIEB

How to Not Die Alone is a must-read for millennials navigating any stage of their relationship. The advice is clear, researched-based, and actually easy to follow. It’s the perfect book for anyone who wants to up their dating game.

JORDANA ABRAHAM

Why have you not found love? Logan Ury’s How to Not Die Alone speaks to truths that your friends won’t tell you. With a unique voice that offers clarity, action, and results, Ury’s book promises to be a definitive guide for a generation navigating the murky waters of modern love.

ESTHER PEREL

Insightful and delightful, How to Not Die Alone is a ‘must read’ for hopeless and hopeful romantics alike—and for anyone who still believes that true love is possible.

DANIEL GILBERT

"Tired of seeing all your friends coupled up around you? Dive into How to Not Die Alone, the debut title from behavioral scientist Logan Ury. While you don't need someone to complete you, she'll provide some insight and tips on how to find a partner if you're looking."

Popsugar

"Ury, who is the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, breaks down what makes a relationship work and why in her data-driven guide, which blends research with real-life stories. The book covers everything from tips on how to navigate online dating to what you should look for in a long-term partner."

Time

This is an eye-opening book. Based on the best that social science has to offer, and written in an easy-to-understand style, full of useful exercises and checklists, Logan Ury has provided a guide that will help you avoid many of the traps people face in finding and keeping romantic relationships in today’s world. And as a bonus, reading this book will surely help you make other big decisions in life that have nothing to do with romance.

BARRY SCHWARTZ

"Ury, who is the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, breaks down what makes a relationship work and why in her data-driven guide, which blends research with real-life stories. The book covers everything from tips on how to navigate online dating to what you should look for in a long-term partner."

Time

Ury has given all of us a host of excellent suggestions (and scientific information) on how to find, make, build and sustain a romantic, sexy and successful partnership.

HELEN FISHER

This book wisely reminds us that finding and holding on to love is not a mysterious divinely apportioned gift, it’s a skill that can be taught and learnt by us all. Past failure does not have to be any indicator of future success—with this compelling book in hand.

ALAIN DE BOTTON

"Why have you not found love? Logan Ury's How To Not Die Alone speaks to truths that your friends won’t tell you. With a unique voice that offers clarity, action, and results, Ury's book promises to be a definitive guide for a generation navigating the murky waters of modern love."—ESTHER PEREL, bestselling author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs and host of the podcast "Where Should We Begin

"This is an eye-opening book. Based on the best that social science has to offer, and written in an easy-to-understand style, full of useful exercises and checklists, Logan Ury has provided a guide that will help you avoid many of the traps people face in finding and keeping romantic relationships in today's world. And as a bonus, reading this book will surely help you make other big decisions in life that have nothing to do with romance."—BARRY SCHWARTZ, Visiting Professor at the Haas School of Business, U.C. Berkeley, and author of The Paradox of Choice

"This book wisely reminds us that finding and holding on to love is not a mysterious divinely apportioned gift, it's a skill that can be taught and learnt by us all. Past failure does not have to be any indicator of future success - with this compelling book in hand."—ALAIN DE BOTTON, author of The Course of Love

"How to Not Die Alone is a must-read for millennials navigating any stage of their relationship. The advice is clear, researched-based, and actually easy to follow. It's the perfect book for anyone who wants to up their dating game."—JORDANA ABRAHAM, Co-founder of Betches Media, Host of the U Up? Podcast

"Logan Ury's practical, no-nonsense approach to dating is a masterclass in behavioral science. It's also warm, funny, and full of heart. How Not to Die Alone is an essential guide to debunking the myths of modern romance and finding a relationship that's truly worth investing in." —MANDY LEN CATRON, author of How to Fall in Love with Anyone: A Memoir in Essays

"Ury has given all of us a host of excellent suggestions (and scientific information) on how to find, make, build and sustain a romantic, sexy and successful partnership." —HELEN FISHER, author of Anatomy of Love and Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute

From the Publisher