How to Help Your Hurting Friend: Advice For Showing Love When Things Get Tough

by Susie Shellenberger

Overview

No issue is taboo for How to Help Your Hurting Friend, a frank and valuable handbook of practical advice for today’s teenage girls.

Previously published as Help! My Friend Is Hurting Susie Shellenberger—author and teen advocate—addresses the most vital, personal, and life-challenging issues in young women’s lives. Presented in handbook form, this biblically-based, relevant, and contemporary-focused book empowers girls to salvage and maybe even save the lives of friends. She addresses such things as self-cutting and sexual abuse in a no-nonsense way and no advice is ever vague. This classic book for teenage girls distills the wisdom of the Bible and combines it with the wisdom of many experienced and anointed counselors.

How to Help Your Hurting Friend:

• This is a reissued edition of Help! My Friend Is Hurting.
• Has a new format including sidebars and intriguing illustrations.
• Is a great resource for teens, young adults, and parents alike
• Includes commentary on today’s challenges, advice, and a section of letters to the author with helpful, relevant responses.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780310731177
Publisher:	Zonderkidz
Publication date:	07/22/2014
Pages:	176
Product dimensions:	5.25(w) x 7.95(h) x 0.60(d)
Age Range:	13 - 18 Years

About the Author

Susie Shellenberger travels as a fulltime speaker forty weeks or weekends every year. She has written fifty-two books, and lives in Bethany, Oklahoma with her two mini Schnauzers Obie and Amos. Susie is a former youth pastor, high school teacher, and editor. She loves Sharpies in every color, burnt hotdogs, and praying at OKC Thunder basketball games.

Read an Excerpt

How to Help Your Hurting Friend

clear guidance for messy problems

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By Susie Shellenberger, Anita Palmer

ZONDERVAN

Copyright © 2003 Zondervan
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-310-73117-7

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CHAPTER 1

making Friends

Jamie always had a crowd around her. She wasn't especially knockout gorgeous. She usually had a couple of zits, and she wasn't exceptionally good at sports.

But she was one of the most popular students at school. Everyone loved her!

Jamie was like a magnet. Wherever she went, someone wanted to be with her. It wasn't unusual for Jamie to be seen listening to one of the football players share a problem with her, or to see her showing a new student how to get to the biology lab.

Why? What was it about Jamie that made everyone notice her? If her looks and her talents weren't anything to brag about, what did she have going for her? Here it is—short and simple—Jamie had learned the secret of being popular. She knew how to make friends and keep them.

You already know this book is about helping your friends who are struggling with hurt, confusion, and a variety of problems. But guess what? In order for you to be a helping friend, you first have to have friends and be the kind of friend others want in their lives.

So before we actually get into how you can help your friends, let's first take a peek at how you get friends and become a friend, okay?

(This next stuff is going to be pretty basic. In fact, you may already know it all and can help me write my next book. If you don't need this part, feel free to totally skip it and flip to the very end of this section—page 17.)

the secret

Jamie's secret to popularity really isn't something a rocket scientist has to figure out. It's actually very basic:

JAMIE WAS NICE TO EVERYONE!

Wait a sec, you're thinking. That's too easy. There's gotta be more to popularity than that!

Yeah, there are a few more strategies we'll talk about in a few seconds, but the biggest secret of all—the one thousands of teens try to skip over—is simply being nice to everyone.

Jamie was as kind to the new student who had no friends at all as she was the football player. She had friends in the band and friends in drama. She refused to only associate with one group of people. Because she was kind to everyone, people responded by wanting to be around her.

there's more

Okay, as mentioned a few lines earlier, there are some additional strategies that go along with Jamie's big secret of being nice to everyone. Ready to tackle them? Let's take a few minutes on each one.

SENSATIONAL SMILE.

There's something intriguing about someone who smiles a lot, isn't there? We're automatically drawn to someone who's happy. And wearing a smile usually implies the person behind it is approachable.

If people know you're approachable, they'll start coming to you. And how will they know? Well, you'll make them feel at ease, comfortable. And how does that happen? By smiling. A smile is an open invitation to approach. It says, "You can talk to me. I'll be friendly with you. Really. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."

Smiles also convey something else that's really important when making friends. A smiling person insinuates confidence. (That was really a great point. Did you get it? Or did you just zoom by it quickly? Well, to make sure you get it, let's go over it again, K?)

Repeat after me:

SMILING INSINUATES CONFIDENCE.

I can already hear your thoughts screaming through the page at me: But I'm NOT confident, Susie. I feel insecure, and I'm always worried about what I look like and what everyone else is thinking, and—

Whoa! Go grab some lemonade from the fridge and cool off. I said insinuates, not proves. In other words, a smile suggests you're confident. You don't have to actually feel confident to smile. But when you do, people will think you're confident. Cool, huh? (Watch the lemonade. You're starting to drip.)

But here's something even cooler: The longer you practice smiling— even in intimidating situations—the sooner your smile will catch up with you. In other words, you'll start to believe what the smile stands for. You'll gain confidence from smiling! No, it won't happen overnight, but it will happen. I promise.

Let me introduce you to 16-year-old Jenny. I met Jenny along with 300 other teen girls I took to Brazil with me on a two-week missions trip. On the final night of the trip, several girls stepped up to the microphone and shared what God had taught them during the past few days.

I'll never forget Jenny. Smiling from ear to ear, she shared her story. "When I was 11," she began, "I was in a terrible car accident. My bottom teeth were knocked out—causing my mouth to be disfigured. I struggled a lot with having a low self-esteem, thinking I was ugly. But you know what? God has shown me I have a beautiful smile! And my smile is something I can give to everyone I meet. Because He can use my smile to minister to others and to encourage those around me, I no longer have to worry about my outer appearance. God is using my smile!"

Wow. Jenny had learned the secret of flashing a sensational smile. And she was right! God was using her smile. Jenny always had a crowd of people around her. She was approachable, easy to talk to, and she genuinely cared about others. Know what else? She was beginning to feel the confidence her smile suggested!

What about you? Will you make a point to start working right now on developing a sensational smile? Just for fun ... since you've already dripped lemonade all over this page anyway ... I'll leave some space here for you to doodle on. Know what I want you to doodle? Smiles. Make as many as you want. Big ones. Little ones. Funny ones. Magnetic ones. Create a million smiles right here, and I'll go grab a Cherry 7Up and meet you on the next page.

there's still more

Let's recap, okay? Jamie was popular because:

1. She was nice to everyone.

2. She smiled a lot.

Ready for the next one? Jamie knew how to talk and listen. It wasn't unusual at all to see her listening to someone sharing a problem, but she was also a good conversationalist. In other words, the other person didn't have to do all the talking.

Everyone knows someone who talks all the time. They're not much fun to be around, are they? I once had a friend whom I went out to eat a lot with. She talked all the time. As in nonstop. Once in a while, she'd say, "Susie, I don't understand you. You travel all over the place and speak to thousands of teenagers every year, but you sure don't say much one-on-one."

I wanted to say, "How can I? You never give me a chance!"

Everyone wants to talk. We all have a story to tell. Each of us enjoys having someone listen to what she says. It makes us feel important when someone is truly interested in what we're saying.

LEARN TO LISTEN.

When other people find out you're willing to listen, believe me, they'll talk—and they'll be talking to you! But when you listen ... really listen. I'm talking about genuine listening—not the kind of "listening" where you focus your eyes on the person speaking, but your mind is focused on Jason Issacs who's approaching your table.

When someone is talking to you, zero in on that person 100 percent. It's easy to tell when someone's just pretending to listen but really thinking about something else. That won't fly in making friends. You'll be known as a phony.

Okay, but once I've learned to be a great listener, what am I going to do with all the stuff I'm hearing? Oooh. That's a good one.

You're going to have to learn to keep secrets. A genuine friend is one who can be trusted. When Josh tells you in confidence he likes Bethany, you can't run off and tell her—even though it'll kill you not to.

Would it ever be right to break a secret? Oooh. Another good one. And the answer is yes. If your friend is in danger of hurting herself or someone else, you can't keep that information private.

But we'll talk more about that later when we get into how to help your friends who are going through really rough times.

Back to keeping secrets. Make it a priority. When people realize they can trust you—truly trust you—they'll feel safe in opening up to you with their problems, hurts, questions, fears, and dreams. But listening is only half of this strategy. It's just as important to talk as it is to listen. The key is learning when to talk. Try not to talk just to hear yourself talking—that brings us back to my friend who just talked and talked and talked all-l-l-l the time. No one else could get a word in edgewise.

Don't put the burden of the entire conversation on someone else. You have to do your part, too. Talking is learning how to be a good conversationalist.

Seventeen-year-old Lance says, "It always freaks me out when I'm with a girl who expects me to do all the talking. That's too much pressure. I like being with girls who can hold their own end of the conversation."

Jeremy feels the same way: "Sometimes I'll be with a girl who acts like she's afraid to say something. I mean, how else are we gonna get to know each other if we don't talk and listen? But sometimes girls act like what they have to say isn't important. Of course it is! I wouldn't be spending time with a girl, trying to carry on a conversation with her, if I didn't care about what she has to say."

Guess what? Lance and Jeremy aren't the only ones who feel this way. Everyone wants to be in a friendship that has both give and take when it comes to talking.

Yeah, but sometimes I just don't know what to say!

I hear you. And I understand. Here's a little secret: If you're really listening to what the other person is saying, you can ask questions about what he's talking about.

Eric just mentioned he has a lot of math homework. So make a question out of what you've heard: "Do you like math?" "Ah, it's okay. But Mrs. Johnson sure gives us a lot of homework!"

Now grab your next question from what he's just told you.

"I haven't had Mrs. Johnson. Is she a good teacher? Does she explain things well?"

Of course, you don't always have to continue the conversation by asking questions. Throw your own thoughts out there as well. Again, Eric has just mentioned he has a lot of math homework. You contribute your own thoughts: "I don't have any math homework, but I've got a huge report to write on this play called Our Town that we've been reading in Lit."

Yeah, okay. But Eric and I already know each other. How do I get a conversation going with someone I don't know at all, or someone I know—but not really well?

Another good question. Will you help me write my next book? I like you!

Asking questions is the best way to get a conversation going. Even if you know the person really well—you're already good friends—asking questions will help you get to know them even better.

About a year ago, I went on a safari in Kenya, Africa, with a friend of mine. Knowing it was going to be a lo-o-o-ong flight from Colorado Springs to Nairobi, Kenya, I took one of my favorite books along: The Book of Questions.

Even though we were already great friends (after all, we were traveling across the world together!), we still had a blast asking fun questions and learning more about each other from our answers.

Since I love questions so much, I decided to create a list of my own to use when the need arises. I'll share them with you, and you can try them out on friends, acquaintances, and even people you don't know yet. I'll give you 25 questions, and I'll leave some space for you to create five of your own to add to the list, okay? Here goes:

• If you had to give up one of your five senses (sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell), which would you choose to live without?

• If you suddenly won a million dollars, how would you spend it?

• If you could receive truthful answers to any two questions, what would you ask and whom would you ask?

• How would you react if a stranger approached you and offered to carry your groceries to the car?

• Is it always wrong to kill? What about insects? Other animals?

• If you could be a contestant on any TV game show, which would you choose?

• If you had to live in one of these places, which would you choose: Antarctica or Siberia?

• Would you be willing to have superfrightening dreams every night for three years if it meant you'd be really popular the rest of your life?

• Do you think there's life on other planets?

• If you were Eve, would you have eaten the forbidden fruit?

• If you were Adam, would you have blamed it on Eve?

• If you could invent a brand-new chewing gum, what would you call it? How would it differ from all other gum on the market? What flavor would it be?

• What's the most frightening thing that's ever happened to you?

• Do you think anyone ever cleans out water towers? If you were offered a job working on top of and inside a water tower, what fears, questions, or doubts would you have?

• What's the most valuable thing you own?

• What's one thing your parents were right about after all?

• What makes you laugh uncontrollably?

• What would you be more frightened of, a snake, a lion, or a tarantula?

• What's your favorite color?

• If you had to choose between TV and radio, which would you do without for an entire year?

• What's the difference between encouraging someone and complimenting someone?

• If you could write a book, what would you title it? What would it be about? How much would you sell it for?

• What's the most recent book you've read?

• What classes in school do you think will be completely useless to you in the future?

• What's the most exciting thing going on in your life right now?

Okay, it's your turn! Think of five more questions and jot them here in the space provided.

1. ___________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________

there's still more

Recap—Popularity is gained through:

1. Being nice to everyone.

2. Smiling a lot.

3. Knowing how to talk and listen.

And here's the next one:

NEVER BE A KNOW-IT-ALL

Let's face it. Unless you're a relative of Albert Einstein, you probably don't know everything. But I'll bet you know a few teens who act like they know it all, don't you?

No one enjoys being around a know-it-all ... especially when you really don't know it all! So don't try to act like it.

Heather always had a better story. Whenever someone talked about their family vacation, Heather piped up with a better vacation. And when someone told a joke, Heather always tried to outdo it with a funnier joke.

When someone asked Heather a question, she'd always give them an answer—even when she didn't know the answer! It wasn't long before people stopped asking for her opinion about things. They got tired of being around her. She was a know-it-all.

Why do people like Heather act like that? Why are they always trying to outdo someone else's story or trying to make others think they know it all?

Insecurity. Insecurity. Insecurity.

Either you really do know a lot and just like to show off so you can be the center of attention (which means you're insecure), or you really don't know it all, but you want to make people think you do, because you're afraid if they think you don't know everything, they won't like you (which means you're insecure).

Guess what? You don't have to be the center of attention! It's really okay to blend in. You don't always have to be the star—the one who's right—the one who has the best story.

Nor do you always have to have the answer. If people befriend you simply because of your knowledge, they're not real friends anyway. If you have a friend who falls into this know-itall category, you can help her climb out by letting her know she doesn't have to earn your friendship.

If you're the one in the know-it-all division, allow God to help you move from the spotlight of attention to focusing on the needs of others. Humility is extremely attractive. Ask God to help you become humble.

In fact, why wait? Let's pray about it right now.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from How to Help Your Hurting Friend by Susie Shellenberger, Anita Palmer. Copyright © 2003 Zondervan. Excerpted by permission of ZONDERVAN.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Read This First, page iii,
Section One,
Making Friends, page 1,
Quiz: What Kind of Friend Are You?, page 15,
Section Two,
Eating Disorders, page 21,
Depression, page 37,
The Internet, page 45,
Coping with an Illness, page 55,
Self-Destruction, page 69,
Sexual Abuse, page 75,
Section Three,
Letters to Susie, page 111,