How to Be a Person in the World: Ask Polly's Guide Through the Paradoxes of Modern Life

by Heather Havrilesky

Overview

New York Times Bestseller • From the "best advice columnist of her generation” (Esquire) comes a hilarious, frank, and witty collection of all-new responses, plus a few greatest hits from the beloved "Ask Polly" column in New York magazine’s The Cut.

Should you quit your day job to follow your dreams? How do you rein in an overbearing mother? Will you ever stop dating wishy-washy, noncommittal guys? Should you put off having a baby for your career? 

Heather Havrilesky is here to guide you through the “what if’s” and “I don’t knows” of modern life with the signature wisdom and tough love her readers have come to expect. Whether she’s responding to cheaters or loners, lovers or haters, the anxious or the down-and-out, Havrilesky writes with equal parts grace, humor, and compassion to remind you that even in your darkest moments you’re not alone.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781101911587
Publisher:	Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Publication date:	06/27/2017
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	272
Sales rank:	518,832
Product dimensions:	5.10(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

HEATHER HAVRILESKY is the author of the memoir Disaster Preparedness. She has written for New York magazine, The New York Times Book Review, the Los Angeles Times, The New York Times Magazine, Bookforum, The New Yorker, NPR's All Things Considered, and several anthologies. She was a TV critic at Salon for seven years. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and a loud assortment of dependents, most of them nondeductible.

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Author’s Note
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Excerpted from "How to Be a Person in the World"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Heather Havrilesky.
Excerpted by permission of Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Author's Note xi

I Flaws Become You

Here Comes the (Anxious) Bride 5

My Mind Likes Imagining Boys 12

The Poisons of Materialism 18

Am I Too Weird? 24

Crushed by an STD 33

II You Are Uniquely Qualified to Bring You the World

What Would Kanye Do? 43

My Boyfriend Has Never Had a Job 51

Devil Town 56

Commitmentphobes of N.Y.C. 64

III Reckoning, Anger, and Obsession

The Cheat Sheet 73

I'm Tired of Being So Nice 81

The Weight of Rage 86

Cheaters Become You 93

That Bitter Aftertaste 101

IV Weepiness Is Next to Godliness

Drunk No More 113

I'm Dating My Best Friend's Ex 118

How Do I Get Over This Betrayal? 128

Why Don't the Men I Date Ever Love Me? 134

V Identity and Becoming an Artist (Whether You Make Art or Not)

Land of the Lost Artist 147

Lame Job, Lame Life 155

Do I Make Music or Have a Family? 162

This Job Is Killing Me 169

VI The Uncertainty Principle

Making Friends (Out of Nothing at All) 179

I'm Thirty-Eight and Everything Is Awful 189

Don't Shy Away 195

I Don't Know 202

Career or Baby? 209

VII Beauty in the Breakdown

I Feel Haunted by My Affair 221

The Good Wife 229

Full Disclosure 234

Mourning Glory 239

The Bean Eaters 247

Acknowledgments 257

Reading Group Guide

1. If you could ask Polly any question, what would it be?

2. Polly is known for her tough love—does this approach work for you?

3. Even though the truth can be hard, do you see value in the author’s honesty?

4. Polly is a self-care advocate: what are some different methods of self-care she mentions that she thinks you might be able to apply to your own life? Do you agree with her about the importance of exercise to self-discovery and betterment?

5. Did How To Be a Person in the World leave you creatively inspired?

6. Which essay resonated the most with you?

7. Were there any questions that you couldn’t apply to your own life? If so, why?

8. Why do you think the book was titled How To Be a Person in the World?

9. Did you have a favorite quote from any of Polly’s answers?

10. Why do you think Heather Havrilesky adopted the persona of “Polly” for her advice column?

Editorial Reviews

A Best Book of the Year
NPR * Esquire * Harper’s Bazaar * Nylon * The Huffington Post * PopSugar

"Funny, staggering, no-bullshit sculptures of insight." —Leslie Jamison, Paris Review

“Under her Ask Polly moniker, Havrilesky dishes radically honest, no-nonsense advice tempered with self-deprecating humor, gleeful profanity, and an unfettered voice.” —Los Angeles Times

“The best advice columnist of her generation.” —Esquire

“There’s something nourishing in every column. . . . But sometimes [Havrilesky] writes things that are like opening up the fridge and finding the universe inside.” —The Atlantic
 
“Warm and charismatic. . . . Genuinely humorous and compelling. . . . Polly gets it.” —The New York Times Book Review

"With vicious wit and merciless accuracy, [Havrilesky] isolates motivations, redirects anxious and defeatist energy, and delivers specific, usually hilarious, instructions." —The Paris Review

“If you are even a little bit interested in people and the world, then this book will interest you. And if you think you aren’t interested in people or the world, then you should read this book anyway because it might surprise you by proving that there’s a lot to reward such interest—and compassion and empathy—after all.” —Chicago Tribune
 
“[Havrilesky] is part Buddha and part Amy Schumer: Wise, whip-smart, and profanely funny.” —Entertainment Weekly
 
“On one hand, [Havrilesky] will shake you by the shoulders and tell you the truth. On the other, she’s the friend rooting you on, cursing (creatively) all the way. . . . Havrilesky abandons the prim and proper and instead delivers delightfully offbeat wisdom with a side of straight talk.” —NPR Books
 
“A comfort to read. . . . There is real love behind [Havrilesky’s] tough love. . . . Even if you feel you’re not in need of advice yourself, you will surely value Havrilesky’s astute social commentary.” —San Francisco Chronicle
 
“Irresistible. . . . Alluringly wry. . . . [Others] promise to help us clean up our messes. But Havrilesky leans into the mess until it swallows her, its embrace resembling something like light.” —Slate

“Casual and pathologically sincere, like you’ve just stumbled into the most engaging conversation at a party after spending 30 minutes talking about the weather across the room.” —Vogue.com

“In moments of despair, Havrilesky’s elegant writing and rock-solid judgment can change your entire outlook. Read How to Be a Person in the World for the advice, but stay for the pure magic that is her perceptiveness and prose.” —Paper Magazine

From the Publisher

03/28/2016
Havrilesky (Disaster Preparedness), the writer of New York magazine’s popular “Ask Polly” column, provides a wealth of new material on work, love, friendship, and fulfillment, all written in her straight-shooting signature style. She admonishes a writer worried about her eccentricities for her “reductive dichotomies” when comparing herself to others, but also acknowledges that “people are allergic to confessional, outspoken women.” Providing some much-needed real talk to a writer mired in depression, Havrilesky begins, “Reading your letter feels like playing a board game that you can only lose... Draw a ‘Not a Chance in Hell’ card: ‘Advance to Lonely Life Abroad.’ ” She can be devastating, putting a potential bridezilla in her place (“Your dream will not come true”) and verbally eviscerating a man who feels entitled to extramarital affairs (“You’ve been watching too much Mad Men”). She is similarly direct with a woman consistently involved with married men: “You don’t have compassion for other women.” True to its title, this collection touches on nearly every facet of living, and Havrilesky’s wit, intelligence, and candor set her apart as perhaps the best advice columnist currently in circulation. Agent: Sarah Burnes, Gernert Company. (July)

Publishers Weekly

05/01/2016
Havrilesky (aka Aunt Polly, nymag.com; Disaster Preparedness) collects some of her fan favorites and never-published pieces of advice that take on universal issues such as a chronically unemployed boyfriend, the ennui of being nice, and the guilt of having an affair. However, both the questions and answers the author provides seem to pander to an audience that is as much interested in the cleverness of the response as they are in the topics. Havrilesky's writing is sound, yet, as noted in the New York Times Book Review, it takes a bit of reading to get to the essence. VERDICT Perfect for advice seekers who are also looking for solutions laced with touches of snark, humor, and a willingness to "get" all sides of the subject.

Library Journal

Heather Havrilesky, advice columnist for NEW YORK magazine, addresses the best questions she’s been asked over the years, all of which culminates in advice on how to be a good person. She gets down to the root of the matter in a blunt but effective way with a voice that radiates enthusiasm, sass, and practical wisdom. Her bursts of energetic swearing somehow add authenticity and urgency to her thoughtful responses. Advice on dating, career paths, and other life choices will delight listeners who may have the same problems and those who simply want to hear clever responses to interesting questions. This capable advice columnist sounds like a trusted friend. D.Z. © AudioFile 2016, Portland, Maine

JULY 2016 - AudioFile

Heather Havrilesky, advice columnist for NEW YORK magazine, addresses the best questions she’s been asked over the years, all of which culminates in advice on how to be a good person. She gets down to the root of the matter in a blunt but effective way with a voice that radiates enthusiasm, sass, and practical wisdom. Her bursts of energetic swearing somehow add authenticity and urgency to her thoughtful responses. Advice on dating, career paths, and other life choices will delight listeners who may have the same problems and those who simply want to hear clever responses to interesting questions. This capable advice columnist sounds like a trusted friend. D.Z. © AudioFile 2016, Portland, Maine

JULY 2016 - AudioFile

2016-04-30
An advice columnist provides real examples of the problems people face.Popular New York Magazine advice columnist, author of "Ask Polly," Havrilesky (Disaster Preparedness, 2010) shares a series of letters that cut to the chase on a variety of topics. Do you need to know what to do when you contract a sexually transmitted disease? Do you want to transition from a party girl to a more responsible adult without taking all the fun out of life? Are you searching for a lifetime partner in all the wrong places? The author tackles all these heady issues and more in her no-nonsense, in-your-face, funny-yet-useful answers. Havrilesky uses examples from her own complicated life to help readers understand that they are not alone, that she too has encountered numerous problems and been able to find solutions. One common theme is the importance of not dwelling on mistakes. "You have to make peace with yourself," writes the author. "Push away the bad voices, again and again, and replace them with something kinder and more patient. Say to yourself, ‘I'm broken right now, but I'm doing my best.' Take in the electricity, the shivers, the rough-hewn fear of your raw state, and eventually, if you welcome these feelings in enough without fighting them, you'll find inspiration and comfort there." Whether you've committed the "cardinal friendship sin" of dating an ex-boyfriend of a lifetime friend, are struggling to choose between a career as a musician and its inherent demands or the possibility of marriage and children with a woman you love, or are reaching a certain age in life and realize you no longer want to be alone, Havrilesky will tell it straight as to what you should and shouldn't do to remedy the situation. Funny, frank advice for people searching for solutions to a myriad of relationship issues.

Kirkus Reviews