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Hollywood Said No!
Orphaned Film Scripts, Bastard Scenes, and Abandoned Darlings from the Creators of Mr. Show
By David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Posehn Grand Central Publishing
Copyright © 2013 David Cross Bob Odenkirk Brian Posehn
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4555-2630-7
CHAPTER 1
BOB AND DAVID MAKE A MOVIE
by Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn
First draft on August 4th, 2003
ANIMATED WARNINGS
MUSIC: Upbeat fanfare throughout
NOTE: This opening piece is animated with cheap computer graphics (circa: the DIRE STRAITS video "Money For Nothing") which correspond to the announcement. In addition, it should be scratchy, with skips, like it's been shown for years—
WE SEE: Klieg lights waving madly, pull in to ...
GIANT THEATRE MARQUEE with the title: "TONIGHT'S FEATURE-LENGTH MOVING PICTURE!"
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Congratulations, you're attending our feature film presentation! This theatre has been voted the most polite theatre in America for five years running! Please adhere to our strict standards of conduct for everyone's enjoyment! Remember, no talking or chitchat during the film. Please turn off all beepers for the duration of the movie! When enjoying refreshments, chew with your mouth closed and daub your lips with freshly laundered kerchiefs! Gentlemen, bow when a lady passes. Ladies, curtsy when a man passes ... gas. Please refrain from soiling our bathrooms with your waste. Bathrooms are open for viewing five minutes before the movie, and five minutes after. When leaving the theatre please head straight home, do not stop to talk to strangers, friends, or family. Upon arriving home, lock and bolt your door. Sever all telephone lines, and board windows. Kill your spouse and leave their brains out on the front porch for the zombies to eat. Then, kneel beside your bed and pray to me, and I'll come to you in the night to tell you how to live. Now, sit back, and enjoy this feature-length moving picture presentation! Light up those cigarettes and start talkiiiiiinnng nowww!!!
DIP TO BLACK
MUSIC: Tense suspense theme, building
OPEN ON: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD
Shot with hi-def, handheld, VIDEO. We are in a small group of looky-loo TOURISTS watching a scene from a movie being shot.
There is a camera crane above the scene of a spaceship which has crashed and is giving off smoke. A small mob of NERDY-LOOKING GUYS mill about. The DIRECTOR, sitting in a set chair with the name "Famous Mortimer," starts the scene.
DIRECTOR Okay, everybody in place? Okay, let's make this really intense. And ... action!
The NERD MOB wave sticks, scream, and attack some unseen VICTIMS.
NERDS Kill 'em! Get 'em!
The crane rises over this mob scene, and when it gets to its maximum height, the Director steps up.
DIRECTOR Cut! Print! That was great! We got it!
The crew applauds. The tourists disperse ... we pick out Bob and David from the tourist crowd and lead them as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard.
BOB Wow, David, huh?
DAVID Yeah, Bob, movie magic!
BOB (looking around)
Where?
DAVID Right there, what we just saw.
BOB Oh. Yeah.
Bob talks to camera.
BOB (CONT'D) Hello, I'm Bob.
DAVID Oh, hi, I'm David.
BOB We're here in Hollywood, California, to make a movie. You might recognize us from your TV set.
Bob waves to a TOURIST and his WIFE.
ANGLE ON: Tourist
TOURIST Keep it movin' honey, a pansy just hit on me.
DAVID Anyway we're both very excited to make a movie for you. Hey man, what's our movie about?
BOB That'll take care of itself. First thing we need is money. Let's start thinking about product placement.
A TEENAGER on a skateboard screeches to halt in front of Bob and David.
BOB AND DAVID Whoa!
DAVID What's up, kiddo?
TEENAGER (into camera)
You guys are cool, but the coolest thing on two wheels is the new Flo-Tex tampon.
He holds up a brightly labeled box.
BOB Aren't tampons for women?
TEENAGER That's what you think, old man! I've got that fresh, easy feeling right now.
DAVID Wow! I want that, too!
TEENAGER You'll have to skate me for it!
He skates away, and a jingle plays.
JINGLE SINGER (V.O.) Flo-tex for meeeeennn ...
Freshness for aaaaalllll....
Flo-Tex tampons fall from the sky on happy Bob and David.
ANGLE ON: Abe Lincoln
ABE LINCOLN Ask not what a tampon can do for you ... but what Flo-tex can do for a tampon!
ANGLE ON: David
DAVID Now in apricot!
MUSIC: Commercial Theme ends
Resume Bob and David on the street, natural sounds, handheld look, etc.
BOB So how much did we make for that?
DAVID (putting wad of bills in pocket)
We're set, we got our dough.
BOB Great. So let's make the movie!
ANGLE ON: David, he is standing in front of a poster for a dumb movie called Stupid and Stinky-er which features two retarded characters (Bob and David), teeth blocked out, one smelling the other's fart and smiling. David rants in front of this image.
DAVID Bob, they don't just let you "make" a movie. You can't just go out there with no original idea, nothing to say, and no talent to not say it with and make a movie.
BOB Of course not, David, I never—
DAVID You have to fill out a form first.
BOB Oh.
DAVID Come on ...
They turn and enter a nondescript DMV-type building.
BOB AND DAVID APPLY FOR MOVIE
SIGN: "Hollywood Town Hall"
INT. CITY OFFICE
MUSIC: Muzak, atmosphere
Bob and David enter and look around. The place is crowded like a DMV. Various HOLLYWOOD TYPES wait in line. A JANITOR notices them all disoriented.
JANITOR (by rote)
If you got a comedy follow the blue line, if it's a drama, yellow line, documentary is out back behind the Dumpster.
The three windows are marked: Drama, Comedy, Indie.
BOB Blue line.
ANGLE ON: The COMEDY window. CARLOTTA, a black lady clerk, is listening to Kevin Smith, and thoughtlessly leafing through his latest script.
CARLOTTA Okay Mr. Kevin Smith, good to see you again.
KEVIN Thanks. I can't wait to make another film.
CARLOTTA Okay. Do you have any stars in it?
KEVIN SMITH I'm trying to get Shannon Elizabeth.
CARLOTTA So ... I'll put that down as a "no." How about special effects?
KEVIN SMITH No, no, it's total low-budget.
CARLOTTA Mm-hm. I don't know ... has it got farts in it?
KEVIN Well, it's sort of a "farce," I guess ...
CARLOTTA No, "farts." T-S.
KEVIN SMITH (very positive)
Oh, yeah! Big fart sequence.
CARLOTTA You got it, honey. Here's your slip. Get your essentials and I'll stamp it for ya.
She hands him a slip and he exits, happily. JAMIE KENNEDY steps up to the window.
CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Jamie Kennedy, what have you cooked up for me this time?
JAMIE (excited)
Okay, my movie is called Invisible Dude, about a guy who turns invisible when he gets nervous.
She doesn't respond.
JAMIE (CONT'D) And ... he likes this girl, has to conquer his problem, but then on his wedding day right before he's about to get married, his fiancée tells him her parents hate ... invisible people.
Carlotta tries to hold back laughter, but busts up.
CARLOTTA Jamie Kennedy, you did it again! Hilarious! And pointed! Very well done!
JAMIE Thank you.
She hands him a blue slip.
CARLOTTA Here's your blue slip, go fill it out, get your things, and come back and I'll stamp it. Next!
Bob and David step up to her window.
CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Who are you and what's your movie?
BOB We're Bob and David. We want to make a funny movie.
CARLOTTA What's it about?
DAVID All kinds of stuff. Just the funniest stuff we got.
BOB Just funny, y'know?
CARLOTTA You got any stars attached?
BOB Uhh ... no, just us.
She laughs.
DAVID So if you'll just give us one of those slips, then we'll get on our way.
CARLOTTA No. Not today. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on break.
She puts a sign reading "I'm on (cartoon of a guy with a bloody broken leg)" and walks away toward the break room.
BOB Dammit.
DAVID All right, well, let's go drinkin'.
BOB (angry)
No, David! Look, do you want to go back to shining camels' asses at the racetrack?
CUT TO:
EXT. RACE TRACK, STABLES
A horse with a warming blanket over him stands in a stable behind TRAINER wearing a fedora, suit. As the Trainer talks to camera, Bob and David walk by in the background, covered in slop, carrying buckets ("Tekmans Camel Shine") and rags.
GRAPHIC: "Jim Whitten, Trainer, RoseThorn Horse Track"
TRAINER The horses like to have a companion, a goat, a dog, keep 'em company. That's why we got Chip the camel over there.
INTERVIEWER Yes, but why do you have those guys shine her behind?
TRAINER Hm?
The Trainer turns to see Bob and David.
TRAINER (CONT'D) Hey! Hey you two, get the hell outta here!
The Trainer chases Bob and David.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. DMV TYPE ROOM—PRESENT
David, having this memory.
DAVID Well yeah, eventually.
BOB That's what I'm talking about. But we gotta prove ourselves first. Now we're getting that slip and we're making our movie.
They both look to the "break room" in back.
INT. BREAK ROOM
A sad, shitty institutional break room; Formica table, folding chairs, wrappers littered about. Carlotta is by the vending machine, punching buttons.
Bob and David enter.
BOB Give us one of those slips that you gave those other guys. Now.
CARLOTTA Excuse me? This is the break room. Employees only.
She puts some more coins in and carefully selects her item. David wants to go, but Bob won't budge.
BOB Dammit, you ... give us that slip.
CARLOTTA Don't you threaten me! Damn ...
She is preoccupied with the vending machine, pressing and re-pressing the same buttons. Finally we hear her item fall and get lodged in the machine exit chute.
CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Oh ... geez.
She hits the machine.
CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Come on, cookie, drop for Momma ...
ANGLE ON: Digital readout: 28 seconds ...
VENDING MACHINE VOICE (British feminine voice)
You have twenty-eight seconds before the vending chute is closed ...
(STARTING RIGHT HERE we go to LETTERBOX "ANAMORPHIC" framing)
ANGLE ON: DAVID
MUSIC: Scored, suspense
DAVID Are you having trouble with your cookie?
ANGLE ON: the trapped cookie, an "AUNT GRANDMA'S CHOCOLATEY DOUBLE CHIP DELITE" hanging in the chute.
ANGLE ON: Carlotta, beads of sweat on her brow. Reaching up the chute in vain.
CARLOTTA It's my favorite cookie ... the last one ... (tears come to her eyes)
My wrists ... too big-boned ...
VENDING MACHINE VOICE T-minus twenty seconds to chute closure.
CARLOTTA Oh, Jesus and St. Lucifer come to my aid in this time of great need ...
ANGLE ON: Her fat wrist in the vending tunnel. She will never reach the cookie. Suddenly, appearing beside her wrist is a white-skinned, thin wrist.
David has knelt down beside her and is reaching for the cookie.
DAVID Excuse me, ma'am, let me try.
VENDING MACHINE VOICE T-minus fifteen seconds to chute closure.
David reaches for the cookie, and ... he has it!
Carlotta breathes a sigh of relief.
CARLOTTA Oh, thank you ... why you have the magic hands of a little white girl; or a gay.
David holds the cookie in its place in the chute.
DAVID Give us one of those slips and you get your cookie.
Carlotta can't believe his audacity, holding her cookie hostage!
VENDING MACHINE VOICE Eight seconds to closure. seven—six—five ...
Countdown continues through the remainder—
CARLOTTA But, I just, it's my break, I ...
David releases the cookie, but holds his hand there, ready to grab it again. Cornered, Carlotta pulls out a blue slip and hands it to Bob. David snatches the cookie, and yanks his arm out of the machine, and we see a metallic multilayered shield that could rip your arm off, snap shut.
David hands her the cookie. She begins eating greedily. Bob and David celebrate.
BOB Awesome!
DAVID We got it!
(DROP ANAMORPHIC FRAMING)
MUSIC: Suspense scoring ends.
CARLOTTA (O.C.) Well, that ain't all you need, honey.
DAVID What?
Carlotta slowly eats her cookie and coyly teases the guys—she has the upper hand.
CARLOTTA The blue slip is worthless without it gets stamped.
She holds up a stamp. The room darkens, except a ray of light which hits her hand holding the stamp.
Music: Ominous, Lord of the Rings-ey
CARLOTTA (CONT'D) You just like everybody else. You need to get a few things first.
DAVID What things?
CARLOTTA First thing—you need to get your physicals. Got to be in tip-top shape for moviemaking! Next you need a concept, an idea, fish outta water or maybe just rip off ol' Harry Potter. Then you need you a star to shine so bright, and give your film an opening night. A lock of hair from a Producer, some famous grease from a Hollywood shmoozer. Lastly, approval from the Mayor of Hollywood, you get that, baby, and you got it good.
DAVID The Mayor of Hollywood?!
Carlotta points to an oil painting of a grizzled old dude smoking a cigar, THE MAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD.
CARLOTTA You have until five p.m. tonight, after that, the effects of this cookie wear off and I forget all about you.
She finishes the cookie and gives a self-satisfied chuckle.
CARLOTTA (CONT'D) Thanks for the cookie, cookie.
She exits.
DAVID (looking at watch)
Shit, Bob, it's already noon. We've got a lot to do.
RINGLORD OF THE STARS
Bob and David are walking down Hollywood Blvd.
DAVID I've always dreamed of making a movie so I could see what all the fuss is about.
BOB What do you mean "all the fuss" ... you've seen movies, right?
DAVID Does porno count?
Bob shakes his head "No." Then David shakes his head "no." Then Bob shakes his head "no" again.
BOB Let's go ...
They head off, past a KOREAN STREET VENDOR with a foldout table loaded with videocassettes and DVDs.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR Number one films! All films! Originals! Cheap!
A PEDESTRIAN stops by the table and peruses.
PEDESTRIAN What have you got here?
KOREAN STREET VENDOR I got all number one films. Originals. You buy them. Be first to own. DVD or video, I don't care, you buy whichever, I don't care.
PEDESTRIAN Let's see ... (reading the names)
Star Battles, Star Battles 2: The Return of Yodi, The Lord of DeepRing, SpiderFriend ... I don't know, man, something's fishy here.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR No! No fish! DVDs, videos! You buy, take home, watch, laugh, cry, rethink life, maybe make different choices in future—
PEDESTRIAN No, these are all cheap knockoffs.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR No! All originals!
A DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER steps up, waving a videotape.
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER Hey man, you ripped me off.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR What?
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER This is not the original.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR What you buy?
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II. Uh—I wasn't paying attention, and I'm not very smart, so I was tricked by you.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR No—it is original! You look, I show you! No returns! Top quality!
The vendor pops the tape into a crappy monitor with a VHS machine propped up on milk crates behind him. He presses Play and we go FULL SCREEN with the crap title sequence to The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II.
(NOTE: The following "film" is shot on film, then projected in a real theatre, and reshot with handheld video.)
GRAPHIC: The title, cut off at both sides, too big for the screen.
MUSIC: Grandiose, orchestral ... but also, clearly done by one guy on his synthesizer ... in a basement in Beijing
The scenes we are about to see are all dubbed in Korean, but we will write them and shoot them in English, because ... you'll see.
OPEN ON: Establishing shots—
EXT. A FOREST
EXT. A MOUNTAINSIDE
EXT. A CUTE HUT
What I am writing are all shitty English subtitles ... because we are hearing it in Korean, remember?
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.) One time there was a ring. This ring was mad if you were mad. And nice if you were nice. So, no mad person should ever wear it on their finger-hand.
We hear the singing voices of little people.
Camera passes through a bush to reveal a group of guys in elf costumes, all on their knees, in a circle, singing. The audio track clicks, jumps, and is horrible.
ELVES All is well in Glooby-town, life is fun when you're a Glooby. We will sing and dance all day, and drink muffet tea by the robot friend.
They continue singing and reveal ARTIE-BLEEP-BLOOP, a squarish R2-D2 robot which is clearly a midget in a trash can, dancing around and blooping and bleeping. (His face is cut out in a clumsy, amateur effect.)
ROBOT I love you all. I am your robot friend. We are friends forever. True love always. Look out, evil is all around.
EXT. RIDGE
Rising over the ridge comes our film's cheapo Darth Vader: "DEATH RAIDER" with a flowing robe (it's Paul Tompkins on Jay Johnston's shoulders, with a batting helmet, and an intercom taped to his mouth, and ski goggles). He wears a paper plate with macaroni painted black as a chest plate.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Hollywood Said No! by David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Posehn. Copyright © 2013 David Cross Bob Odenkirk Brian Posehn. Excerpted by permission of Grand Central Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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