Table of Contents
Introduction 1
On Ages and Stages 2
A Word about Words 3
1 Taking Off the Training Wheels 7
Real and Imagined Dangers 12
Terror 14
Practical Pointer: Being Prepared but Not Anxious 15
2 Drip, Drip 17
Practical Pointer: We All Must Return to the Ocean Now and Then 21
3 On Becoming an Anchor 23
Practical Pointer: Are We Too Anchored? 26
4 Taking My Act on the Road 29
Transitional Objects 30
Transitional Affiliations 33
Facilitated Letting Go 36
Practical Pointer: Digital Due Diligence 39
5 The Power of Anxiety 41
When the Anchor Isn't Secure 44
The Circle of Security® 48
Practical Pointer: Learning to Manage Anxiety 49
6 The Meaning of Mad 51
A Quick Lesson on the Development of Emotion 54
Practical Pointer: When Feelings Overwhelm Thinking 58
7 On Structure and Parachutes 59
Practical Pointer: Negotiating Structures 64
8 Oiling the Wheels before They Squeak 65
Squeaky Wheel Parenting 69
Accidental Rewards and Unintended Punishments 70
One Final Word about Limits and Consequences 73
Practical Pointer: Rewards Must Be Earned; Resources Must Be Free 74
9 Boundaries 75
Childhood Boundaries 78
Facilitated Separation 83
Bounded Body, Bounded Mind 84
Private Parts 85
On Cynicism, Safety, and Boundaries 87
Practical Pointer: Holding Tight, Holding Tighter 88
10 Routines and Rituals 89
Creating Routines 94
Bedtime, Letting Go, and Routines 95
School Resistance and Refusal 97
Practical Pointer: When Routines Become Compulsions 99
11 MPG: How Many Miles Do You Get to Each Hug? 101
It Takes a Village 105
Practical Pointer: Don't Forget to Rotate the Tires and Change the Oil 107
12 Refilling the Fuel Pumps 109
"In Case of a Loss of Cabin Pressure..." 112
The Lesson of "No" 114
Practical Pointer: All Things in Moderation 116
13 Identity Distorted 117
The Adultified and Parentified Child 118
The Infantilized Child 121
Failure to Launch 122
Practical Pointer: Cutting the Anchor Line? 123
14 Personality Ordered and Disordered 125
Reactive Attachment Disorder 128
Personality Disordered 129
Personality (Dis)ordered by Degree 131
Practical Pointer: One Kind of Help-Dialectical Behavior Therapy 134
15 Broken Triangles 135
The Complications of Divorce 138
Practical Pointer: It's Not Your Time: It's the Child's Time in Your Care 139
16 Caught in the Middle 141
The Chameleon Child 143
The Polarized Child 144
Solutions 145
Practical Pointer: Take the High Road 146
17 Higher and Hired Powers 147
Pets 148
Psychotherapy 148
Religion 150
Practical Pointer: Sophie's Choice 151
18 The Empty Nest 153
Who Are Your Anchors? 155
Apex and Apogee 156
Practical Pointer: Holding Tight by Proxy 159
19 Full Circle 161
Child as Anchor 163
Practical Pointer: Death, Religion, and Letting Go 165
20 ONE 167
Index of Topics 177
