He's Just Not Your Type (And That's A Good Thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It
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He's Just Not Your Type (And That's A Good Thing): How to Find Love Where You Least Expect It
224eBook
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Overview
After years of dating, many women fall into a relationship rut. As serial daters, they are attracted to the same type of man time and again. Clearly, something's not working. But the problem is not that he's just not that into them—the reality is, he's just not their type. Relationship expert and life coach Andrea Syrtash hears the disbelief in her clients' voices when they admit that their "Mr. Right" relationship has again gone wrong.
In He's Just Not Your Type, Syrtash challenges readers to date outside their comfort zones and poses hard-hitting questions: What if the kind of man they think will make them happy never will? What would happen if they dated someone they'd never considered dating? In each chapter, Syrtash shares stories of women who have found lasting happiness with their non-types (NTs) and provides exercises designed to help readers assess their big-picture goals and core values. In doing so, she shows women how to make better choices in dating so they are more likely to find true love.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781605290850 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Harmony/Rodale |
| Publication date: | 04/27/2010 |
| Sold by: | Random House |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 224 |
| Sales rank: | 998,743 |
| File size: | 614 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
1
Don't "Should" All Over Yoursel?
I know we haven't yet officially met, but if you are single and questioning your ability to find a successful romantic relationship or attract a mate, let me reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you. You do not have bad luck in dating. You are not destined for a lifetime of spending your weekends on dates with your friends, their husbands ... and their babies.
In fact, you are hardly alone. We are living in an era with more singles than ever before. The US Census Bureau recognizes close to 100 million Americans who are unmarried. We are taking longer to settle down because, frankly, we do not want to settle. Women today are hoping to marry--not simply to procreate or to honor our families--but for a radical and modern reason: love.
By this point in your life, I'm sure you've met men who seem perfectly fine but with whom you're not interested in pursuing a relationship. In some ways, it would be easier if you could just marry one of these "good enough" men. But you want a real connection, and you don't want to compromise your standards.
You may have picked up this book because family members have labeled your dating habits ("Too picky"), or concerned friends want you to couple up and settle down ("You're a great catch!"), or mere acquaintances remind you that time is of the essence ("You're not getting any younger!"). Perhaps you have even assigned yourself a label ("Unlucky in love"). But I promise, you are okay. You just haven't dated the right kind of person for you.
I often hear people mention that they have lost hope because their dates and relationships never seem to work out. Here's a simple truth: Most dating scenarios are destined to fail! Until you find the person you want to marry, every relationship will be unsuccessful.
The important piece is that when a series of dates with one person or a relationship does not work out, you can walk away from it with new insights on how you want to be and who you wantto be with in your next relationship.
That's the good news. And now for the not-so-good news (I hate to be a pessimist).
You may repeat your dating pattern for many more years--and stay single when you'd rather not be--if you do not start making conscious changes and looking at your choices.
Before I delve into my crazy (but you'll see very logical) premise about dating your nontypes, I will ask you to commit to examining your relationship pattern. And I believe the first step in creating this paradigm shift starts with making a shift in your language.
You may be thinking, "I'm reading this book for tips on how to find a good relationship, not to get language lessons!" But trust me on this: The messages we tell ourselves and the ideas that seep into our minds from parents, friends, and society do affect our love lives.
Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
I shouldn't be so picky. I should be with (fill in name of a guy you know who doesn't inspire or excite you but is perfectly nice): He makes decent money and comes from a good family. I'd have a nice life with him.
I should be having babies by now. Or at least be married.
I really like (fill in name of a guy you have a great connection with but whom you'd be nervous to introduce to Mom or Dad), but I shouldn't date him.
I should have things figured out by now. This is not how I imagined my life to be at (fill in your age). How did everyone else pull all the pieces together except me?
I should've married (fill in name of someone you've dated in the past). Maybe that was my only shot at love.
Do any of these statements sound familiar?
I hate the word should. You would think it's a benign or neutral word, one that implies a suggestion you can take or leave, but it's more powerful than that. (Should wants you to believe that it's neutral--trust me.)
Perhaps it's because I'm a writer and sensitive to words, but should gets the tiny hairs on my arms to stand up. Exceptions are specific circumstances like, "I should feed the dog now, since he hasn't eaten since last night" or "I should use up my vacation days and go to Belize before the end of the year." In most cases, though, people inflect the word should with a slightly annoyed or apologetic tone.
Should keeps us from taking risks, connecting with our values, and following our hearts. Should has kept some of my friends from being with people who would have otherwise made them very happy. Should almost prevented me from dating the man who would become my husband.
Michael was standing in front of me for years practically waving flags that said, "Give this a chance! Have you ever been more comfortable with anyone?! Do you laugh this much with others? Are you not the best version of yourself with me?" But I missed the signs because I was convinced that he just wasn't my type.
I felt I should be with someone more polished and sophisticated. (Not that I felt particularly polished and sophisticated.) I imagined that my future husband would have an impressive resume filled with academic accomplishments and brilliant accolades. My guy would be a triple threat: smart, handsome, and successful. He and I would walk into a room and be the toast of the town. I wanted to make my family proud and inspire awe (and maybe even a little jealousy) in others with the catch I'd landed.
While I was friends with Michael, I dated a man who had graduated summa cum laude from an Ivy League school and worked as a surgeon before deciding to get an MBA and launch what would become a multimillion-dollar company. This guy looked sharp in a suit and spoke three languages. Ooh--this was the one I should be with!
So why was I daydreaming about my quirky neighbor?
For most of my 20s, I lived by shoulds. I should have an office job. I should pick the nice Jewish boy to marry. I should actually make use of one of my two degrees that cost my parents a fortune. I should not complain--I was healthy and had a loving family.
When I spoke with my aunt's friend about my relationship, she remarked, "What are you waiting for?! This guy sounds perfect! You shouldn't be so picky." (Um--thanks.) I responded, "Getting married is not my challenge. Staying married--happily married-- is my goal. That's what I want."
The sentence came out of my mouth before my brain registered it. It was as if I was channeling a more confident version of myself who articulated her wants without an apology (as we women often do). My brief exchange with this person--whom I will probably never see again--crystallized what I wanted and shaped the next phase of my relationship and my life.
I ended a 5-year relationship with an amazing man despite the fact that he had everything I thought I was looking for, and I entered a new chapter of consciousness and confidence. During this period, I made a deliberate decision to replace the word should with the word want.
I wanted to feel deeply connected. I wanted to feel clarity in my job, my relationships, and my life. I knew I would not feel satisfied until I had that. I even changed my e-mail password to "clarity"--trying to subliminally signal my brain that feeling clear and grounded was a top priority.
As I packed up the apartment I'd shared with my boyfriend, I cried every day, thinking of the future we had been building together and the memories we'd shared. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done; yet even after many months of sobbing and missing him, I did not regret following my gut.
I don't think we ever do.
Should is a security blanket. It feels safe. But should was an important word for me to give up as I stepped into a new chapter of my life. Dismissing the word should (or at least catching myself when I use it too much) has made me more conscious of my wants and more able to pursue goals, and relationships, that bring me great fulfillment.
"Can't" Isn't Much Better Than "Should"
So we've established that I'm not a fan of should, but I haven't yet told you how I feel about can't.
Can't doesn't impress me. Can't is a lazy and passive way of saying "I won't." Again, there are exceptions--like "I can't lick my elbow" (did you just try?) or "I can't speak Cantonese." But for the purposes of this book, I'm referring to the can't that we all say when we are not open to possibility or when we are trying something outside our comfort zone.
I've had a number of clients tell me that they can't join a dating site and they can't make time to meet new people. I ask them how they expect to be in a relationship if they don't even have time to go out during the week. When I ask them why they can't join an online dating service, I hear answers like these:
I can't go online to date because I can't make a connection behind a computer screen.
I can't go on any more blind dates.
I can't believe you think I would go out with the losers who are dating online!
Or when I've asked a client why she won't date someone she is obviously interested in, I've heard things like "I can't--my parents would freak!" or "I can't date someone like him."
I was once guilty of the can'ts myself. A few years ago, I was talking with my good friend Janna about how much I loved spending time with Michael. Janna asked the obvious question: "If you love being with him so much, why aren't you dating him?" I quickly responded, "I can't be with someone like him--he's not my type!" Even though I didn't admit it at the time, I realized how silly I sounded as the words came out. I thought about those words all night. Actually, I thought about Michael all night ...
We also use can't when we stay in relationships that we feel we should be in but that we secretly know are not working. I took a long time to end the relationship with my accomplished boyfriend because I felt I couldn't let him or my family down. "I can't leave ..." is what I told my therapist. My reasons were based in part on my deep affection for this guy, in part on guilt. My can't reasons were fear based, as can't rarely comes from an empowering place.
During this period, I remember wondering if I was happy. (Here's a hint: If you're trying to figure out if you're happy, you probably aren't.) I felt completely overwhelmed by the idea of making a decision about my relationship. I was a passive participant in the situation instead of owning my part in the decision and the direction I wanted my life to take.
If I had been truly honest in those moments, I would have admitted, "I won't leave this because I'm scared I'll regret it and scared I'll let everyone down. I want to feel something I do not feel with this person."
When you shift your language--from should to want and from can't to won't-- you will hear your disclaimers and excuses and will be able to start taking ownership of your choices.
This is when change happens.
Meet Your Gremlin
At various points in the day, your left brain produces some mind chatter that influences your attitude and helps you make decisions. Research on brain activity shows that the left hemisphere is most responsible for analytical thinking and logical reasoning. The right brain is more imaginative and focuses on the big picture over the details. The left-brain inner dialogue can either act as your cheerleader ("You're going to ace the job interview--you deserve this position!") or play the role of your gremlin ("You're a fraud. Who do you think you are, applying for this job?").
The gremlin's role is to sabotage your dreams, goals, and desires. Even the most optimistic person gets visited by her gremlin occasionally. Not surprisingly, your gremlin's best buds are should and can't.
Have you ever been close to something that you worked hard to get, and then, just before it started, you were greeted by a nasty inner voice telling you that you were going to fail? That's the gremlin. It most often wakes up when you are close to a want, perhaps because the stakes are so high. I remember the day before I started to host a show--a dream job for me. I thought about how horrible I'd look in the wardrobe, how stupid I'd sound on camera, and how I wasn't cut out for the job. I had worked for years to get to that point in my career, including going to school for broadcast journalism, but just before I started filming, I made myself sick with worry and almost had to cancel the shoot.
My client Rebecca described her gremlin's voice as that of a 90-year-old smoker who can hardly breathe. I asked Rebecca if she felt suffocated by this voice. "I can't tell. I've known her for so long, she's really familiar," Rebecca mused, adding, "but she's really a pain in the ass." As we spoke, Rebecca realized that her 90-year-old gremlin practically woke her up each morning, telling her there wouldn't be enough hours in the day to reach her goals. And my client wondered why she felt overwhelmed every day!
We are all entitled to insecurities and self-doubt; however, when this voice prevents you from engaging in life in a vibrant way, it's time to tackle your gremlin. This negative voice will try to convince you that it has your best interests in mind--but it never does.
I have a rule in this book: When you hear your gremlin's voice saying that you suck and that you shouldn't try something new or that you can't stop doing something you don't enjoy or that you should be doing something else, take note. Don't be fooled into thinking your gremlin is serving you. There is a difference between thoughtful introspection and unnecessary criticism. The way to distinguish between the two of them is to weigh what you are learning from each.
If your inner voice is putting you down, passing superficial judgment on someone else, or offering unhelpful insights, it's probably negatively affecting your outlook. Ask your gremlin to step aside. The most effective way to tackle a gremlin is to have a conversation with it and put it in its place!
Here's an example of a script to tackle a dating gremlin.
* Gremlin: Why would this guy like you? He has a million choices, so don't count on him. You're going to get hurt.