He's Just Not in the Stars: Wicked Astrology and Uncensored Advice for Getting the (Almost) Perfect Guy
304
He's Just Not in the Stars: Wicked Astrology and Uncensored Advice for Getting the (Almost) Perfect Guy
304eBook
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Overview
He's Just Not in the Stars is a sinful combination of He's Just Not That into You, Sex and the City, and The Secret Language of Birthdays. If all is fair in love and war, this is the right ammunition. . . .
Hindsight is 20/20. Love is blind. With all that good and bad vision out there, who's gonna give you some serious insight?
Sex columnist and love astrology expert Jenni Kosarin is taking names and kicking astrological butt. . . . Flirt. Crush. Boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Husband. Whatever. What's his potential? What's he looking for? How do you fix things once you've messed up? Which sign will give you another chance and which won't? Find out his idiosyncrasies before you date him. Find out who's ready for a relationship and who'll still be hanging out in twentysomething bars in fifteen years. (Uh. Creepy.)
Here, get the scoop on how your man stacks up. Decipher. Crack the code. Get stellar advice.
The concept is revolutionary: Combine his Sun Sign with his Venus. That's all. No "rising signs," no tricking his mother into telling you what time he was born. No cookie-cutter generalizations. This book is frighteningly specific. Filled with sixty easy-to-follow combos, it's illustrated with ironic, gossip-filled, shocking real-life examples of famous celebs such as:
- Colin Firth (Virgo, Venus in Libra): Virgo + Libra = sexy and subtle combo
- Orlando Bloom (Capricorn, Venus in Pisces): Capricorn is all for security, Pisces is a full-on romantic = good guy
- Chris Rock (Aquarius, Venus in Capricorn): Aquarius can be about partnership when Capricorn grounds it
- Ethan Hawke (Scorpio, Venus in Scorpio): Ladykiller double sign combo
- Antonio Banderas (Leo, Venus in Virgo): Hint: the Virgo makes him stay
. . . plus many, many others. By defining him in a way that's never been done before, He's Just Not in the Stars gives it to you straight. No tiptoeing around. No hugging and sharing. No coddling. Deal with it.
(Cue drum roll.) This is for the woman who wants to take charge of her own destiny. Is he in the stars? Time won't tell. Jenni Kosarin will.
He's Just Not in the Stars is the last hip, irreverent relationship book you'll ever want. Throw away the rest . . .
They're taking up space where your happily married pictures should go.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780061870392 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | HarperCollins |
| Publication date: | 06/11/2024 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 304 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Sex columnist and love astrology expert Jenni Kosarin is a native New Yorker who has also lived in Florence, Cancun, and Mexico City, where she learned from the wisdom passed down from generations of astrologers, the real deal. Her techniques are singular. She has written for USA Networks, is the author of five other nonfiction books, and has contributed to magazines such as First for Women, YM, Reader's Digest, and Glamour. Kosarin is a graduate of Cornell University and currently resides in New York City.
Read an Excerpt
He's Just Not in the Stars
Wicked Astrology and Uncensored Advice for Getting the (Almost) Perfect GuyBy Jenni Kosarin
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2006 Jenni KosarinAll right reserved.
ISBN: 0060887281
Chapter One
Aries, Ex or Next
(the Ram, March 21-April 19)Aries Rude-iments
I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you but, when it comes to men--and whether or not they have good relationship potential--you have to look at two things: first, his Venus (love sign). And then his Sun sign (the basis for his personality in general). But with Aries it's different. There are three things you must consider. Lucky you. After you've sorted through the first two--and have thrown out the last of the used tissues--you must ask yourself one necessary, though frightening, question: Is he an Aries with his birthday in March or in April?
Listen to me. Astrologers don't give you this one big piece of information. Maybe they're protecting you. Maybe they just don't want you to throw the baby out with the bathwater (ha!--actually a fitting reference, considering who we're dealing with here). But you're gotta know. You simply must:
If he's an April Aries, okay. Maybe you'll be okay. If he's a March Aries (especially one near the Pisces cusp), run! Get out of town! Hop on the bus. Make a new plan, Fran. Be coy, Joy. And set yourself free.
You should know that it's gonna take your March Aries a little more time to grow up thanyou'd hoped (like 120 to 130 years longer . . . you'll be dead by then), and in the meantime he might even just be a little psychotic and an insensitive bastard (oh, but he may also be good at convincing you, at first, that he's not). That's right. He's Chucky and Chucky Returns. Combined.
I'm not playing around here. There may be a difference between your March guy and your April Aries guy: a straitjacket, designed especially for you.
So I just thought you'd want to know this now, going in. Consider yourself forewarned. Read on, knowing that there's some hope to make him a decent boyfriend, and I'll tell you how. Go. Go in peace.
Just remember that Luke resisted the Dark Side. And so can you.
Aries Tongue Lashing
"You want me. You know you do."
"No I don't!" you insist, lips pursed. It kills you that this man's got you. You hate it. You hate him. You're beginning to hate yourself.
Aries man licks his lips, penetrates you with his eyes, and smiles so cockily you'd like to smack him. But you don't.
Damn, he's good.
"I'm going to kiss you. Now."
"No you're not!" you hear yourself whimper, impressed. Damn, he's sexy. Your head whips around to check if others are listening in on the unfolding scene. You almost wish they were. You giggle, feeling ridiculous for imitating a fourteen-year-old virgin. (Get real. You know he's gonna do it anyway, but it's--let's face it--fun to let him charm the pants off you. Literally.)
"I'm going to caress you with my tongue and make your loins ache for me."
"Not in front of all these people!" you assert, louder now, with conviction. But you're smiling. Unabashedly. Swooning. Pretending that you don't like the public displays of affection when, in fact, your knees are jelly under the table. You wish he'd just do it already and shut up.
You love it. You love this man. You see yourself walking down the aisle to him. You see him as the father of your children. You imagine him in the future as the romantic, spontaneous, charismatic fool for you he is now. The love of your life. The one. Showering you with love and affection. Rocking your world in bed and in life.
Wait! (Record scratches. Violins abate.)
Not so fast. Are you sitting down? Really? Good. Take a deep breath and listen. About your Aries man: Six months of erotic, sexy quicksand. A sinking ship made of lead. Seriously. In the beginning, he's soooo charming. Then something changes. All of a sudden . . .
He wants to be pampered. He wants you to think like he thinks. He wants you to be perfect. Always. He wants his mommy. He wants you to be his mommy and to put him in his place. He wants to see you as his lover, his confidante (his webcam partner--he's so big . . . on political issues). The absolute love of his life. He wants. He wants. He wants.
Are you noticing a pattern?
Aries are the children of the zodiac. Make no mistake. That "grounded," "super-smart," "sensitive," "moralistic," "self-assured" "man" you've just nabbed (or are dying to) will cry, whine, and stamp his feet if you take his ducky from the tub.
Aries: Is He into You?
Out of nowhere (and you're privy to the inane consequences of your actions) you start flipping coins, wondering if it's going to last. You feel it won't. You absolutely do. But there's that little voice inside you saying, "Shut up, Goddamn it! I'm doing the best I can here!"
Because you just can't help yourself. Because Aries men are like those little boys who are so cuuute, you just can't stop staring at them: You know the ones. They make you want to have kids and dress them up in snappy little overalls with preppy starch-collared shirts and parade them all around the park in front of the other jealous mothers.
"Look at him!" you screech gleefully, unable to contain yourself. "Don't you just wanna pinch his cheeks and take him home?" And they do want to. Because he's got something. He's special. And he knows it.
And so do you. Damn it.
Aries guys can make awful boyfriends because they're just so easy to fall in love with. They have their good points. The power thing is sexy. The righteousness thing they've got going on gives you a sense of security. And it may just be a false sense. He seems like he's a take-control guy. All roads point to the fact that he can take care of you. This is, alas, perhaps an illusion. Financially, he can. Emotionally, he may just have problems--serious ones. And you need to know this, friend, right now. Listen up: You need to take control.
Continues...
Excerpted from He's Just Not in the Stars by Jenni Kosarin Copyright © 2006 by Jenni Kosarin. Excerpted by permission.
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