Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Grieving a military death 1
Suicide in the military 3
About TAPS 5
How to use this book 6
Bonnie's Story 8
100 Ideas
1 Understand what it means to be "traumatized" 11
2 First, seek safety and comfort 12
3 Be aware of post-traumatic stress 13
4 Understand the difference between grief and mourning 14
5 Be aware that grief affects your body, mind, heart, social self, and spirit 15
6 Understand that grief following a traumatic death is particularly difficult 16
7 Allow for numbness 17
8 Consider yourself in "emotional intensive care" 18
9 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 1: Acknowledge the reality of the death 19
10 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 2: Embrace the pain of the loss 20
11 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 3: Remember the person who died 21
12 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 4: Develop a new self-identity 22
13 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 5: Search for meaning 23
14 Understand the six needs of mourning Need 6: Receive ongoing support from others 24
15 Know that grief does not proceed in orderly, predictable "stages" 25
16 Don't expect yourself to mourn or heal in a certain way or in a certain time 26
17 Take good care of yourself 27
18 If you saw the body and its injuries, give yourself time to conjure up happier memories 28
19 If you weren't able to see the body, find other ways to acknowledge the reality of the death 29
20 Use language that empowers you 30
21 Ignore hurtful comments 31
22 Reach out and touch 32
23 Keep a journal 33
24 Let go of destructive misconceptions about grief and mourning 34
25 If you are a fellow service member, get extra support 35
26 Embrace your need and right to grieve and mourn 36
27 Believe in the power of story 37
28 If this death has put your family in the media spotlight, appoint someone to handle media inquiries 38
29 Keep in mind the rules of thirds 39
30 Be honest with the children who mourn 40
31 If you are grieving what will never be, share these thoughts and feelings 41
32 Know that you are loved 42
33 Express your spirituality 43
34 Identify three people you can turn to anytime you need a friend 44
35 Reset your clock 45
36 Lean on-and beware of-your resilience 46
37 Use the name of person who died 47
38 Turn to your family 48
39 Turn to social media to help you mourn 49
40 Organize a memory book 50
41 Embrace the image of the eagle 51
42 If you feel angry, find appropriate ways to express your anger 52
43 If you feel guilty or regretful, find ways to express it 53
44 If you feel stuck, find ways to get unstuck 54
45 Know that it's OK not to forgive 55
46 Breathe 56
47 Work through financial stresses 57
48 Write a letter 58
49 Deal with personal effects in your own time 59
50 Share your dreams about the person who died 60
51 Pray 61
52 Don't stress about thank-you notes 62
53 Visit the cemetery 63
54 Wear your story 64
55 Examine old hurts 65
56 Gather new memories of the person who died 66
57 Befriend eight universal healing principles 67
58 Be aware of "grief overload" 68
59 Establish a memorial for the person who died 69
60 Be the hero 70
61 Cry 71
62 Visit the great outdoors 72
63 Take a healing field trip 73
64 Remember others who had a special relationship with the person who died 74
65 Laugh 75
66 Be aware of how military people and places affect you 76
67 Be a civvy 77
68 Discover resources available to surviving military families 78
69 Prepare yourself for the holidays 79
70 Create a sanctuary just for you 80
71 Find a grief "buddy" 81
72 Don't be caught off guard by "griefbursts" 82
73 Volunteer 83
74 Spend time in "thin places" 84
75 Accept that there may be no answers 85
76 Watch the sun rise 86
77 Look for the surprises and gifts in your day 87
78 Look into support groups 88
79 Create a shadow box 89
80 Say no 90
81 Watch for warning signs 91
82 Release any ambivalence or regrets you may have about the funeral and burial 92
83 Seek support on anniversaries 93
84 Schedule something that gives you pleasure each and every day 94
85 Capture your loved one's story 95
86 Talk to a counselor 96
87 Take a mini-vacation 97
88 Pay attention to synchronicities 98
89 Think positive 99
90 Give yourself a push 100
91 Draw a "grief map" 101
92 Live for both of you 102
93 Express your gratitude 103
94 Believe in your capacity to heal 104
95 Seek your higher self 105
96 Teach others about grief and mourning 106
97 Imagine your reunion with the person who died 107
98 Understand the concept of "reconciliation" 108
99 Choose to live 109
100 Strive to grow through grief 110
A Final Word from Bonnie 111
A Final Word from Alan 112
Resources 113
