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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781497678637 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | CareNotes |
| Publication date: | 08/12/2014 |
| Series: | CaringCompanions |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 48 |
| File size: | 577 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Grieving the Loss of a Parent
By Silas Henderson
Abbey Press
Copyright © 2013 Abbey PressAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4976-7863-7
CHAPTER 1
Grieving the Loss of Your Parent
* * *
By Judy Ball
My mother, lying in a darkened hospital room, was close to death. But as she reached for my hand and looked at me intently, she was fully aware that her youngest daughter was at her side.
"Judy, is it raining?" she asked. "No, Mom, it's beautiful outside—and it's even more beautiful where you are going," I answered as confidently as I could despite the tears in my eyes and the quiver in my voice.
She was almost ready to begin her journey home to God. "Will you be my partner?" she asked, her fingers still wrapped around my hand.
Before I could assure her that I would stay with her as long as I could, she was dead. The woman who had given me birth, nurtured me from infancy to adulthood, taught me how to pray and read and cross the street, and protected me from harm was gone.
Working your way through
It had been a long, agonizing 14 months watching my mother go from stubbornly insisting she could continue to live on her own to needing more and more care as a series of small strokes, and finally cancer, took her mind and body. My family and I had been on a forced march, trying to do our best but never feeling adequate to the task.
But with my mother's death, memories of the months of exhaustion, fear, self-doubt, second-guessing—and, yes, complaining, "When will all this end?"—instantly vanished. I had experienced the death of loved ones before, but never did it hurt like this. I was almost 44 years old, but I felt orphaned.
Ironically, our society shows very little understanding about the unique pain of losing a mother or father, even though close to 12 million Americans bury a parent annually. What a powerful support group we could be if we were organized!
Perhaps the following strategies will be a support as you cope with a parent's death.
* Remember, you have every reason to grieve. A parent's death often leaves adult children with a sense of abandonment and even panic that catches us by surprise. But why are we caught off guard when the death of the "ma-ma"or "da-da" whose name we struggled to utter as tiny tots leaves us reeling or depressed or sleepless?
We may have lived enough years to be an adult but we will always be a child in relation to our parents. Even if we find ourselves "parenting our parents" before their deaths, it is the parent of our youth and childhood that we bury. And, as author R. Scott Sullender says in Losses in Later Life, "The world is a different place after our parents die."
Seldom are we, as adults, ready for a parent's death. We may be busy building our careers or raising our families; we may be spending our free time traveling or seeking to settle down; we may be living close by or a continent away from our parents. Whatever the circumstances, it is virtually impossible to prepare ourselves emotionally for the loss.
Well-meaning friends and others may seek to console us by saying, "Your mother lived a long, full life" or "Your dad was suffering so much—surely it's a blessing." But those phrases ring hollow when it is our beloved mother or our dear dad who lies in the casket. Even if we experience a strong sense of relief mixed with our grief, the sorrow is very deep and very real.
* Find ways to cry and talk. Take advantage of opportunities to share your grief as long as you feel the need. More than likely, many family members will be comfortable hearing you talk about your deceased parent.
Friends, especially those who have not experienced a parent's death, may be more inclined to ask, for example, how your dad is doing since your mother's death than about how you are coping. But use this as an opening to express your feelings.
And if friends don't raise the issue at all, introduce it yourself. Good friends don't mean to be insensitive; they may need a little reminder that you still want and need to talk. If your eyes get watery, so be it; if tears roll down your cheeks, it's a sure sign they need to be shed!
You can talk about your deceased parent even with those who didn't know your mother or father. When it's June and you're chatting with your neighbor about this year's garden, recall how your mother welcomed the arrival of the month that also brought with it her treasured roses. When your father's favorite baseball player dies and the player's name comes up in conversation with a co-worker, suggest that he and your dad surely will have a lot to talk about in heaven.
"No matter what the age of the parent or how the death occurred, the pain for the surviving adult child can be devastating." —Katherine Fair Donnelly, Recovering From the Loss of a Parent
Finally, talk to your parent. Visits to the cemetery can be a great time for a one-way heartfelt conversation. When you look in the mirror and the gray streaks in your hair seem to make you look more and more like your mother, tell her so. When you are sick, thank your parent for the special care he or she always gave you in times of illness. Just saying aloud the words "Mom" and "Dad" (or whatever name you used) is remarkably consoling and healing!
* Forgive yourself for being human. Few of us have had trouble-free relationships with our parents. We may look back with pain at harsh words that were spoken, deep rifts that were left untended, missed opportunities to express love. This uneasiness can be fertile ground for immobilizing guilt after a parent dies and the opportunity for reconciling is lost. But we can be confident that our deceased parent forgives us and, indeed, recognizes his or her role in the situation as well.
We must also forgive ourselves for our imperfect efforts to be responsive as our parent aged, became more dependent, and placed greater expectations upon us. Geographical distance may have made it unrealistic to be the support a parent wanted. Necessary and appropriate limits on our time may have been an issue.
Emotionally, we may not have been able to handle the demands made on us—switching roles with a parent, for instance, or making the extremely difficult decision to place a mother or a father in a nursing home. Once again, we can be consoled that our deceased parent understands and forgives us.
* Grow from your experience with this tragedy. If you have buried one or both parents, use the experience as a lesson in life. Father Leo Missine, a professor of gerontology, reminds us that the more we are involved with our own aged parents, the more we are preparing for our own aging.
Learn from the experience of losing a parent how to approach your own aging process in a healthy way, how to rely on friends and family for support in times of crisis, how to be a better companion in life as well as death, how to express your love for the special people in your life.
We can turn the losses we have sustained into gains. We can use them as tools to help us grow in our understanding of self and our sensitivity to others.
We do not need the wisdom of philosophers or books to tell us that we cannot go home again, that nothing will ever be the same after losing a parent. Mom or Dad will not be there to applaud our adult accomplishments or offer direction at critical crossroads, to worry about us when we are ill or telephone "just to say hello." The dynamics and the history of our family are irrevocably changed. So are we.
We now move to center stage to leave our mark on the world. But we do not move forward alone. We bring along with us a rich store of treasures from our childhood and adulthood—hard-learned lessons and principles, fond and painful memories, family celebrations and traditions. We bring who we are, thanks to the love, nurturing, and guidance we received in our formative years from the parent(s) whose presence we now miss.
Our life has not lost its meaning; indeed, it has taken on new meaning as we bury part of our past and write a new chapter in our lives. And, believing in God's promise of a life hereafter, we can look forward to a heavenly family reunion.
Take Heart
I was never able to assure my mother that I would accompany her on the final leg of her journey home. But as I continue the second half of my life's journey, I can feel the power of her presence. She is my partner!
Judy Ball is a free-lance writer living in Cincinnati. She is the director of communications for the Ohio province of the Sisters of Notre Dame de Namur.
CHAPTER 2Getting Through the First Weeks After the Funeral
* * *
By Herbert Weber
My sisters and brothers and I met at the house the day after Mom's funeral. With both Mom and Dad now gone, we needed to clean the house and sort through personal items before everyone returned home to various parts of the country. Soon we would need to deal with the selling of the house and the settling of the estate as well.
Emotions were charged. Half an hour into the work of cleaning and sorting, one of the family members broke down in tears. The complaint was made that this was all going too fast. Mom's possessions should not be disposed of so quickly. Others agreed, but pointed out that "the work had to be done." Tensions started to rise.
Finally, someone suggested going to a local restaurant for an early lunch. There, in a different setting, we decided to discontinue the chores for two weeks. Meanwhile, we agreed to stay in touch with each other in the days ahead.
Working your way through
For many people, the first weeks and months following the funeral of a loved one are more difficult than the funeral home visitation or the funeral service. Friends and supporters have gone home. Life gets back to normal rather quickly for everyone else. For the immediate family, however, the grieving has just started.
If you find yourself caught between grief and obligations during the first messy weeks and months after your loss, perhaps the following suggestions will help.
* Forget "normal" for awhile. I learned from my own recent experience that the death of a loved one can bring much additional work to the survivors. Affairs often need to be settled quickly and efficiently. At the same time, grief is demanding attention and the realization of deep and permanent change is just settling in. In addition, family members grieve in different and sometimes surprising ways. Tensions and misunderstandings often arise. This demands a good deal of toleration on the part of the survivors.
Many folks put unreasonable pressure on themselves, caused by the expectation that they should somehow be freed from the pain of what has happened, that life should return to normal rather quickly. When this doesn't happen, they feel shame, as if something is wrong with them. But nothing is wrong except the expectation that life should be normal again so quickly.
* Work through the "messy" details with patience. A family often must divide up belongings and mementos of the deceased. If a will was not drawn up, this can become a struggle of "who gets what." Try to work out differences fairly, giving one another the benefit of the doubt. Drawing up a list of possessions and sending a copy to immediate family members so they can express their preferences can be the first step in clarifying wishes and working toward compromise.
Since I have a number of brothers and sisters, I had the opportunity to observe how differently each of us responded to memorabilia. Although almost everyone wanted some little item that Mom treasured, we reacted quite differently to what we felt we needed to have. The fact that we did not all care what happened to every item did not mean that we were cold or uncaring. Each of us had a unique set of memories, a unique emotional investment in various items. Be sensitive to each other's feelings and respect the uniqueness of one another's experiences.
* Know what to hang on to, and what to let go of. Sometimes, in an attempt to hang on to the person who has died, family members have an overwhelming desire to hang on to everything that belonged to that person. It can be easier to let go when memories and stories are shared.
"Every substance of a grief hath twenty shadows." —William Shakespeare, Richard II
Little anecdotes often get passed around at the funeral home. Of even greater value, however, are the stories and remembrances that come in the weeks and months that follow. Every so often, I call someone to tell them a story of Mom that I have just thought of, or to imagine what Mom's response would be to the early spring, the late snowfall, or a grandchild's accomplishment. Don't be afraid to hold on to your memories—they can be a source of healing and comfort at this time.
* Acknowledge the many levels of loss. If you had experienced only one loss, the death of someone very special to you, that would have been enough for full-time grief work. But losses come in layers. The person you love is gone, but in addition there can be the loss of a home, the loss of a way of relating to others in the family, and the loss of a certain way of thinking about yourself. It is sometimes hard to know which layer of loss you are dealing with at any given time.
In my case, the house itself was deeply meaningful. It had been our family's home for over a century, having been built by my great-grandparents. Moreover, because of a severe snowstorm that prevented my parents from going to the hospital, I had been born in that very house. As a priest, I often stayed over with my mother in order to get a good night's rest.
To admit that you are experiencing multiple losses frees you to work on them one at a time and in different ways. It also helps you guard against the "rapid recovery" syndrome that says it's best to bounce right back and get on with life. Don't be fooled by the numbness that often sets in during the first few days and weeks. It is not the same as recovery, and if you move back into your routine too quickly, you will only delay the grief work you need to do.
* Recognize and deal with feelings of guilt and betrayal. In the busy weeks after the funeral, cleaning out the house, selling property, trying to get back to work, or even smiling or laughing again may seem like a betrayal of the person who has died.
But ask yourself what the deceased person would have wanted. He or she most likely would have wanted you to do whatever is necessary as you deal with the challenges that loss brings. The many obligations that come with the death of a loved one are never easy, but they are better carried out without the additional burden of unnecessary feelings of guilt or betrayal.
Also realize that feelings of guilt or betrayal may signal deeper feelings of incompleteness or imperfection in your relationship with your loved one. In other words, such feelings can actually be another form of grief, and need to be respected and dealt with accordingly.
* Know what you need from others. I recall my sister describing her anger when she went to the supermarket shortly after Mom's death. To her amazement, other people were still smiling and laughing as if nothing tragic had happened. She knew her response was irrational, but she wanted the whole world to stop as it had for her. Didn't others know she was suffering?
It's not that friends and colleagues aren't willing to help, but they often have to be told what you need. They may assume, for example, that you "need to get out more." But there are times when it is necessary to be alone. I remember taking long walks by myself in the months after Mom's death. The solitude was what I needed most.
At other times, I needed to share little stories about Mom with my pastoral team. They listened attentively. Once or twice I called friends and told them I wanted to stop by just to talk or share some memories. They were always willing to lend an ear if I asked.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Grieving the Loss of a Parent by Silas Henderson. Copyright © 2013 Abbey Press. Excerpted by permission of Abbey Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
I. Grieving the Loss of Your Parent,II. Getting Through the First Weeks After the Funeral,
III. Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve,
IV. "Who Am I Now that My Parents Are Gone?",
V. Talking With a Child About a Loved One's Death,