Granny PottyMouth's Fast as F*ck Cookbook: Tried and True Recipes Seasoned with Sass
176
Granny PottyMouth's Fast as F*ck Cookbook: Tried and True Recipes Seasoned with Sass
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Overview
This book is a lazy person’s dream with tasty AF dishes that require no effort. Peggy Glenn has made a name for herself with her hilarious YouTube videos, and now her cookbook is ready to take the reins with more than 75 recipes that truly deliver on deliciousness and sass.
Some of Granny’s signature sh*t includes: Three-Ingredient Potato Salad (so you don’t show up to a potluck looking like a moocher), French Toast Casserole (for the whiny butts who want to end up in a f*ckin’ food coma) and Meaty Spaghetti Sauce (that got a “real Italian dude’s” blessing). Her life-tested favorites like Effin Amazing Chicken, Bad-Ass Beef and Broccoli and Magical Rice Bowl just skim the surface of the awesomeness that you hold in your hands. With side-splitting commentary, yummy dishes for every occasion and directions even the dumbest of cooks can follow, you’re all set to enter cookbook heaven.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781624146213 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Page Street Publishing |
| Publication date: | 10/23/2018 |
| Pages: | 176 |
| Sales rank: | 384,392 |
| Product dimensions: | 8.00(w) x 8.95(h) x 0.45(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
BREAKFAST BONANZA
I've never been one of those "I'll skip breakfast" kinda people. I need fuel to kick my ass into gear. I don't do coffee, I do FOOD! Breakfast for a bunch? Or a bunch of breakfasts? Take your pick. Yes, you've figured it out by now. I'd rather cook once and eat something for days in a row than have to cook every fucking day. OR, feed company with the same recipe. Double duty. You good with that?
For me, breakfast has always been a balance of protein and grains — but no cereal, please. Soggy shit in a bowl is NOT my idea of heaven. And forget sweets, no French toast or pancakes — sugar sets my gut into overdrive. No. Thank. You. Give me a casserole or a scramble or a sandwich, and I'm happy. So, here are some of my favorite make-ahead or make-in-a-hurry breakfast bonanzas. And, yes, for all you sugar freaks, I included a French toast abomination and a muffin-gasm recipe to die for. Eat up, you sweet fuckers.
OMELETTE MUFFINS
This is perfect for brunch when friends or family are visiting. For all the picky eaters in your bunch, you can make personalized Omelette Muffins — and relax over a cup of coffee or mimosas while they bake up in the oven. OR, if you're not a freakin' short-order cook, put in the shit you want, set them to bake and put your feet up and relax before your guests arrive. It's like a personalized omelette station, but with barely any work if you prep your filling the night before. And, they're so fuckin' cute, right?
MAKES 12
INGREDIENTS
6 large eggs
¾ cup (175 ml) milk — any kind will do
MY 5 FAVORITE FILLINGS (¼ CUP [60 G] EACH)
Precooked sausage links, diced Tiny ham cubes Zucchini and yellow crookneck squash, cubed Leftover sautéed mushrooms
OR WHEN DESPERATE, I'LL OPEN A CAN OF SLICED ONES Shredded Colby/Jack cheese mix
MY VEGGIE FRIEND'S 5 FAVORITE FILLINGS (¼ CUP [60 G] EACH)
Leftover spinach, chopped small
OR FROZEN CHOPPED SPINACH
Zucchini squash, chopped small Orange bell pepper, chopped small Yellow bell pepper, chopped small Feta cheese
ASSEMBLY AND PREP
Preheat your oven to 350°F (177°C). If you don't trust your oven, invest in a reliable oven thermometer that you can take with you when you leave. Trust me: for this one, use paper muffin cups. Whisk the eggs and milk until frothy.
In a mixing bowl, combine all the desired fillings (except the cheese). Gently place a spoonful into each muffin cup, filling about three quarters full. Pour the beaten egg/milk into each muffin cup, leaving about ¼ inch (0.5 cm) for cheese. Don't stir. It'll all settle out, I promise. Sprinkle the cheese loosely on top of each mini casserole.
Bake for about 25 minutes until lightly browned on top. If it jiggles when you wiggle the pan, it's not done yet.
SERVE IT UP
Let the muffins sit in the pan for about 4 to 5 minutes so you can handle them. Serve alongside toast with homemade jam.
BONUS: These even taste okay at room temperature if you want to take them for lunch or to a function.
BONUS (AGAIN): Egg whites will work as well, but may require a bit more cooking time to set.
COCOA PUMPKIN MUFFIN-GASM
Yes, I have a thing for pumpkin. It's so fuckin' versatile for making shit moist and adding an unexpected flavor.
MAKES 12–14
INGREDIENTS
1¾ cups (220 g) all-purpose flour
¼ tsp salt
1 tsp cocoa powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
? cup (150 g) butter, softened
¾ cup (165 g) dark brown sugar, packed
? cup (80 ml) molasses
1 egg, beaten, room temperature
1 cup (180 g) pumpkin purée
½ cup (40 g) smashed walnuts, optional
TO CRUNCH IT UP
Cream cheese or whipped cream, optional
PREP AND ASSEMBLY
Preheat the oven to 400°F (204°C) and grease a muffin tin or use cupcake papers.
In bowl #1, mix the flour, salt, cocoa, baking soda, cinnamon and nutmeg.
In bigger bowl #2, mix the butter, sugar and molasses with an electric mixer until light and fluffy. Add the egg and pumpkin, and blend well — but not until frothy.
Add about ½ cup (40 g) of the walnuts to the creamy mix and stir with a spatula. Gently fold the dry stuff from bowl #1 into the creamy pumpkin mixture. Use a spatula or a big spoon — DO NOT OVERMIX. Spoon into muffin tins.
Bake for 12 to 15 minutes and do the toothpick test — don't make me tell you again how to do it.
SERVE IT UP FANCY
If you wanna impress the fuck out of guests or have a muffin-gasm of your very own, serve them with cream cheese or whipped cream (or the pumpkin dip).
EGGS IN HASH POCKETS
Opening a can of corned beef hash to make a quick breakfast is NOT A CRIME! It's a coping strategy. So, let's make it fancy, okay? Remember the time when you ordered hash and eggs in a restaurant and they served it up all cutesy pie with the egg yolk staring at you from the center of the plate of hash? This is the version you can make at home.
SERVES 2–4
INGREDIENTS 1 (15-oz [425-g]) can corned beef hash, like Libby's 4 eggs
ASSEMBLE AND COOK
Using a large nonstick frying pan, spread the hash out in a thin layer all the way to the edges of the pan. Turn the heat to medium-low and start to warm the hash. With the back of a large cooking spoon, make 4 little indentations in the layer of mush. Gently drop one egg into each indentation. Break the yolks (or not) according to your preference. Keep the heat at medium-low, put a lid on the pan and let it top-stove bake for 4 to 6 minutes, depending on how well done you want your eggs to be.
SERVE IT UP
Use a VERY WIDE spatula to take out 4 individual portions of hash and egg. Done!
SOCAL HAM AND EGG SAMMIE
McDonald's might have invented the Egg McMuffin, but people have been making ham and egg sandwiches for decades. The SoCal twist is to add smashed ripe avocado and use only egg whites. Oh, yeah. It's Yumville. Low cholesterol, high satisfaction.
MAKES 1
INGREDIENTS
2–3 eggs, depending on your appetite
2 slices fresh sourdough bread, big slices
1 tbsp (15 g) mayonnaise
½ ripe avocado, sliced and mashed
2–3 slices of low-sodium ham
ASSEMBLE AND COOK
Separate the eggs and use only the whites. Fry them flat in a frying pan on medium-low heat and flip over like a crepe when just about done, about 2 to 3 minutes.
Toast the bread lightly and spread a thin layer of mayo on it. On one or both sides of the bread, spread a layer of mashed avocado. Spread the ham out evenly on the bread. Fold the fried egg white in half and lay on top of the ham. Finish it with the top slice of bread.
SERVE IT UP
Cut the sammie in half so it's easy to handle, and serve with a piece of fresh fruit. Enjoy your cup of joe, and then get on with your day.
PIZZA AND EGGS FOR BREAKFAST
OMFG — nothing makes me skip off to work feeling virtuous more than using up leftovers by throwing them in the frying pan in the morning for a quick egg-white scramble. Even a teaspoon of this and a smidgen of that will transform boring egg whites into something delightful. Remember the egg yolk scare of the 1970s? Cholesterol and all that shit? I quit eating egg yolks and haven't looked back (unless they're in a casserole and I can't tell the difference). I also hear that egg whites are the rage of all the fitness cookbooks, and I wanted to have something for everyone here.
I have been known to put scrambled eggs on warmed-up leftover pizza slices and call it breakfast. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it. This also works as an evening meal. Nobody's gonna rat on you.
SERVES 1
INGREDIENTS
2 slices of leftover Hawaiian pizza with Canadian bacon and lots of pineapple
OR OTHER PIZZA OF YOUR CHOICE
3 eggs
¼ cup (60 ml) milk Pinch of salt and pepper
ASSEMBLE AND COOK
Heat the pizza in the toaster oven for about 2 minutes at 300°F (150°C). Lay them point end to crust end side-by-side on a plate, making a square.
Whisk together the eggs and milk, then scramble the eggs in a buttered frying pan over medium heat until no longer runny. Add some salt and pepper for good measure.
SERVE IT UP
Spread the scrambled eggs on top of the pizza so all traces of the pizza are covered.
You have my permission to grab a knife and fork and dig in. Wash it down with coffee, milk, a soda or a giant glass of juice. I really don't give a crap. Now, go about your day. Granny loves you.
SKINNY SCRAMBLE
I will forever defend my right to call shit breakfast if it includes scrambled or fried eggs. Leftovers, check. Fresh veggies, check. Chili and cheese, check. French fries and yesterday's burger — uh, not the burger, thanks. (Um, not tuna casserole, either, and not cold pizza.) But I am cool with all the ingredients you'd put on a pizza being in my breakfast eggs, so feel free to try it here. I know, I'm weird. Deal.
SERVES 1, SOLO, UNO
INGREDIENTS
A few dabs of butter, divided
5–6 tbsp (approximately 50–60 g) of leftovers — whatever the fuck is in your fridge
SERIOUSLY. LEFTOVER ROAST BEEF? PEPPERONI? BROCCOLI? HOLY YUMNESS, THAT RIGHT THERE IS A GOOD START. WHAT'S HANGING OUT IN YOUR FRIDGE? PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT THROW OUT THE LAST 4 BITES OF SAUTéED SPINACH! THAT SHIT WOULD BE MAGICAL HERE WITH A CUT-UP TOMATO AND A SPRINKLE OF PARMESAN CHEESE.
3 large eggs, separated, whites only Pinch of salt Dash of pepper
ASSEMBLE AND COOK
Throw a dab of butter in a small frying pan and let it melt over medium heat. Warm up the leftovers in the melting butter for maybe 4 to 5 minutes max. Throw in another dab of butter until it melts. Keep the heat at medium. Gently pour the egg whites into the pan and either "omelette" it or stir it around with a plastic cooking fork if you want a true scramble. What's "omelette it"? Just pour it and let it sit, cover it for a few and then turn it over with a spatula. When the egg whites are no longer jiggling and are set to the consistency you like, you're done. On medium heat, this should be no more than 4 to 5 minutes. Add some salt and pepper if you want.
SERVE IT UP
Pour it into a bowl and chow down — with toast if you're not on a diet. Doctor it up with ketchup or hot sauce or whatever you like. Wash out the bowl and wipe out the frying pan — DONE, on your way. You're welcome.
TIP: It's cheaper to throw away the egg yolks than to buy egg whites from the store. Don't worry. We won't tell the chickens.
FRENCH TOAST CASSEROLE
Okay, this is for all you whiny butts who want to start your day with a sugar shot. Don't blame me if you end up in a fuckin' food coma an hour after you finish eating.
12 SMALLISH SERVINGS
BASE
1 loaf of French bread
DEFINITELY TRY THIS WITH CHALLAH OR HAWAIIAN BREAD
Butter (for the baking dish)
8 eggs, beaten
1 pt (475 ml) half and half
1 cup (235 ml) milk
3 tbsp (35 g) sugar
1½ tsp (7 ml) vanilla extract
½ tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp ground nutmeg
Pinch of salt — that literally means pinch a tiny bit between your thumb and first finger
CINNAMON CRUNCH TOPPING
12 tbsp butter (1½ sticks [170 g]), softened, so you can mix shit into it
DON'T GO CHEAP ON THIS. NO WHIPPED BUTTER, NO MARGARINE. REAL BUTTER.
1 cup (220 g) brown sugar, jam-packed into a measuring cup
1 tbsp (15 ml) light corn syrup
HONEY OR PANCAKE SYRUP WILL WORK JUST AS WELL
1 tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp ground nutmeg
OPTIONAL
Fruit, chocolate chips, sprinkles, etc.
PREP AND ASSEMBLY (THE NIGHT BEFORE)
Slice the bread diagonally into pieces about 1 inch (2.5 cm) thick. Generously butter a 9×13–inch (23×33–cm) baking dish. In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, half and half, milk, sugar, vanilla extract, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt until well blended, but don't overbeat. Dip each slice of bread into the egg mixture and arrange in the pan in two rows. The first piece should be standing but leaning back against the side of the baking dish. Continue dipping and layering the slices until you have two rows of approximately 10 slices each. Pour the remaining egg mixture evenly over the dipped slices of bread. Cover the baking dish with aluminum foil and refrigerate overnight.
For the topping, combine all the ingredients together in a medium-sized bowl until well blended. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
COOK THAT SHIT UP (IN THE MORNING)
Preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Spread the cinnamon crunch topping evenly over the top of the casserole and bake for about 35 minutes or until the casserole is puffed and light golden brown. Watch it like a hawk. That sugar will burn if you cook it too hot or too long.
SERVE IT — AND STRETCH IT
Lay out some toppings, dessert-bar style: bananas, strawberries, blueberries, chocolate chips, sprinkles, etc. If people want a sugar high, you might as well go all the way.
CHAPTER 2MEAT? YOU WANT MEAT?
If you love meat, these'll make you happy. Back in my childhood days, we had neighborhood butcher shops where you always knew the meat had been humanely grown and was clean and antibiotic free. Many large grocery chains now offer meat that echoes those 1950s standards. You'll pay a tiny bit more — and for me, it's worth it. I personally buy meat without GMOs, hormones or high fat content. For lots of reasons (climate sensitivity, budget, body weight, heart health and the fact that I thrive on variety), I like to mix it up — chicken, fish, beef, pork and LOTS of veggies. But, hey, this is a recipe book, not a manifesto or your marching orders. Fix shit you like, and it will be just fine.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE ... CHILI
Three pounds (1.4 kg) of meat, some seasonings, a little prep time, a bit of warming time and you can sit down to a bowl of chili that'll wiggle your fuckin' socks. This is a do-ahead meal AND a leftovers-for-days meal — a twofer! Personalize this any way you wish. Carb it up or leave it plain; either way it's tummy-pleasing and easy as fuck.
SERVES 12–15
MAIN INGREDIENTS
2 lbs (0.9 kg) chili meat
TIP: ASK THE BUTCHER FOR CHILI GRIND — IT'S LUMPIER THAN REGULAR MINCE.
1 lb (455 g) ground pork
ANY DEPTH GRIND WILL DO
1 tbsp (15 g) onion salt
1 tsp garlic powder, if you like it
2 (16-oz [455-g]) cans no- or low-salt beef broth, divided
3 (8-oz [225-g]) cans tomato sauce, such as Hunt's
SPICE IT UP
2 tsp (10 g) salt
3 tsp (7 g) paprika
2¼ tsp (5 g) cumin
1 tsp oregano
6 tbsp (45 g) chili powder
1 tbsp (12 g) sugar
OPTIONAL ADD-INS
1 (16-oz [455-g]) can pinto beans
1 (16-oz [455-g]) can puréed tomatoes, no discernible skins
¼ tsp allspice Hot peppers Additional meat
PORK, BEEF, CHICKEN — IN PULLED FORM TO ADD TO THE TEXTURE
OPTIONAL TOPPINGS
Grated Jack cheese Raw onions Salsa Sour cream Jalapeño peppers Corn chips
PREP AND ASSEMBLY
Sear the beef and pork chili meats with the onion salt and garlic powder until no liquid remains in the frying pan. (Note: you might have to do it in 2 batches if your pan is too friggin' small.) Stir constantly to make sure it breaks up and cooks thoroughly.
Mix the rest of the dry spices together in a measuring cup or bowl to blend them well. Sprinkle the spices on the cooked meat, mixing well. Stir around in the frying pan for 10 more minutes and dump that shit in a big-ass bowl. Add one can of beef broth and the tomatoes; stir. Depending on your personal preference for chili (thick or runny), you may need to add the second can of broth. Cover and place in the fridge overnight. This mingles the flavors and creates the magic.
COOK
Slow cooker method: Add in any extras and set it on low just before you leave for the day. House is gonna smell like a chili-gasm when you get home (as long as it's only 8 to 10 hours). Top with whatever and dig in.
Stovetop method: Add in any extras and warm it up on low heat for about 30 minutes while you change out of your work clothes. You even have time to start a load of laundry or do some other bullshit chore. Then top with some extra crap and dig in.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Granny PottyMouth's Fast as F*ck Cookbook"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Peggy Glenn.
Excerpted by permission of Page Street Publishing Co..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
Dedication,
INTRODUCTION,
BREAKFAST BONANZA,
OMELETTE MUFFINS,
COCOA PUMPKIN MUFFIN-GASM,
EGGS IN HASH POCKETS,
SOCAL HAM AND EGG SAMMIE,
PIZZA AND EGGS FOR BREAKFAST,
SKINNY SCRAMBLE,
FRENCH TOAST CASSEROLE,
MEAT? YOU WANT MEAT?,
'Twas THE NIGHT BEFORE ... CHILI,
MEATY SPAGHETTI SAUCE,
MEATBALLS,
BAD-ASS BEEF AND BROCCOLI,
EFFIN AMAZING CHICKEN,
CRISPY PESTO CHICKEN,
GRANNY'S FAMOUS CHICKEN CACCIATORE,
HANGOVER CHICKEN,
NO PEEK CHICKEN (OR PORK),
OVEN CHICKEN NACHOS,
SWEET POTATO AND CHICKEN GET MARRIED ON A RANCH (DRESSING,,
THAT IS),
GREATEST PORK CHOPS EVER,
GRANNY'S SIGNATURE SHIT,
GRANNY'S FAMOUS SWEET & SOUR SAUCE,
HAWAIIAN FRUIT SALAD,
GREEN BEAN SALAD,
FUNERAL POTATOES (FOR THE LIVING),
THREE-CORN CASSEROLE,
NO BURP BREAD & BUTTER PICKLES,
THREE-INGREDIENT POTATO SALAD,
APPLE/RAISIN/PECAN ORGASM,
PUMPKIN SPICE HALLOWEEN DIP,
PEPPERMINT BARK COOKIE DIP,
CINNAMON-SUGAR CANDIED PECANS,
HEAVENLY DARK CHOCOLATE BARK,
FISH IS GOOD FOR YOU,
SALMON SURPRISE SALAD,
TOFISHIN,
SHRIMP MAGIQUE,
FISH IN A DISH,
EASY SHRIMP GUMBO (SAUSAGE OPTIONAL),
COMFORTING CASSEROLES & ONE-POT LIFESAVERS,
FAST AS FUCK FRIED RICE,
SLOP,
ENCHILADA CASSEROLE,
PIZZA BURGER CASSEROLE,
CHICKEN, RICE AND PEAS,
HURRY UP BEEF STROGANOFF,
VEGGING OUT,
VEGGIE LOAF MUFFINS,
EGGPLANT ZUCCHINI BLISS,
UNSTUFFED ZUCCHINI,
BUTTERNUT SQUASH AND APPLE ORGASM,
MEXICAN SWEET POTATO,
FARFALLE PASTA CARNIVAL,
SAILING SOLO,
BUILD-A-PIZZA — PERSONALIZE THAT SHIT,
MAGICAL RICE BOWL,
LENTIL MUSH IN LETTUCE CUPS,
STUFFED AVOCADO,
QUINOA SALAD,
SUPER QUICK MINESTRONE FOR ONE,
SOLO SHRIMP SCAMPI,
CHICKEN BRUSCHETTA,
ANGEL HAIR RESCUE,
CRESCENT WONDER,
CREPES — NOT CRAP,
SATISFYING SNACK MIX,
MY FAVORITE FRUITY ICE CUBES,
SOUP'S ON,
LOADED BAKED POTATO SOUP,
CHICKEN TACO SOUP,
BROCCOLI CHEESE RAPTURE (SOUP),
BLACK-EYED PEAS — SOUTHERN STYLE,
GRANNY'S 100% VEGGIE SOUP,
CREAMLESS CREAMY SOUP BASE,
SWEET TOOTH,
CHOCOLATE BERRY PARFAIT DESSERT,
MEGA-NUT CHOCO BROWNIES,
CHOCOLATE CHERRY WALNUT COOKIES,
MAMA'S FAMOUS APPLE CAKE,
SUPER FAST PUMPKIN BUNDT,
BANANA RAISIN BONANZA,
HOT PINEAPPLE PERFECTION,
REFRIGERATOR LEMON PIE,
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
INDEX,
ABOUT THE AUTHOR,
Newsletter Sign-up,
Copyright,
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