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Good news for Weary Women
Escaping the bondage of to-do lists, steps, and bad advice
By Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, Stephanie Rische Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2014 Elyse Fitzpatrick
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4143-9538-8
CHAPTER 1
HOW DID WE END UP HERE?
So how did we end up here, with so many to-do lists, so many steps, and such an overabundance of bad advice? How is it that women feel so exhausted and are filled with so much despair? How did many of us fall into the belief that everything depends on us and that we've got to get it right or everything will go wrong?
As a woman who has attended church nearly every Sunday since the summer of 1971, when I was first brought to faith at the age of twenty, I think that much of this bad news comes from the Christian community and the church itself. I say this with trepidation and great sadness, so please let me explain. But first, let me make this clear: the church has not been the only source of bad advice I've received. Much of the bad news has come from the world, and much of it is simply from my own heart. We'll talk more about that later, so for now let's return to how the church has shaped and added to the burden that is crushing women and making us weary.
I've heard countless messages about how I need to do better and try harder and never be satisfied until "my good is better and my better is best." I admit that it has been hard for me to be hopeful that I could ever make the grade as a "godly" woman and live my life in a way that would bless others and bring glory to God. No, let me rephrase that. It's been impossible for me to hope I could do everything and be all that I was told I should be by all the women (and men) who have brought the law to me without also assuaging my soul's fears with the gospel.
I've Got a Couple of Free Minutes ...
That's not to say I didn't try to follow all the rules of Christian womanhood. I recall one afternoon about thirty years ago when it occurred to me that my hope to meet everyone's expectations was driving me (and everyone around me) a bit nuts. Aside from caring for our young family, composed of my husband and me, our three young kids, a dog, and some rowdy chickens, I also taught full-time in the Christian school associated with our church, was a deaconess, sang in the choir, went to church at least three times a week (more if there was a "revival" going on), and generally worked myself into an exhaustion-induced coma every day. To say that I was irritable and weary would be an understatement.
On that particular afternoon, when I realized that I actually had a few hours to spare, I decided to make a new vest for our daughter Jessica's school uniform. In the midst of my harried pinning and cutting of the pattern, I looked at my husband, Phil, and joked, "I must have some guilt I'm trying to work off." We both laughed and shook our heads, but I was more right about that than I knew at the time. Because although I was a Christian and believed that Jesus had died for my sins, I didn't understand what that meant about my guilt. I didn't know that I was justified— or even what justification meant. And so I worked and worked and slaved away for decades, trying to prove that I wasn't the lazy, degenerate loser I used to be (and secretly feared I still was). I was never very happy, and all the people around me knew it. My unhappiness frequently demonstrated itself in self-indulgence (usually overeating) and in anger at anyone else who wasn't working as hard as I was.
I don't completely blame the church I was a part of in those days for my ignorance of the good news, although the truth is, I don't remember ever hearing it. What I heard consisted instead of a steady stream of messages about how I needed to do more and try harder and get really serious about working in and for the church. I needed to get rid of the sin in my life so I could be a victorious Christian and "go in and possess the land" (whatever that meant).
But my problem wasn't only with what I heard (or didn't hear) in church. It was also with messages that I heard in the broader Christian community. I was reading a lot of books about how to be a "godly" woman, but these messages only multiplied my guilt and splintered my soul. I knew I was really messed up and needed to learn how to be a better wife and mother, and this litany of rules seemed to be the very thing I needed. But it was like the Turkish delight the White Witch gave Edmund in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: it tasted really good at first, but it never satisfied my hunger and always left me aching for more.
Instead of freeing me to love and serve Christ and my family, all this "good advice" loaded me down with guilt and shame over my ongoing sin and piled on more and more wearisome rules. The very thing I was taking as an antidote for my failure was making me more and more ill. Instead of finding freedom, I was a slave to self-justification. And judging from what I've heard from other women, I don't think I'm the only one who has ingested this poisonous brew.
Feminism: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Beginning in the nineteenth century in the United States, women sought to obtain equal rights with men in a number of areas, including the home, the workplace, the church, and the halls of government. In the 1800s, coverture laws were passed that finally allowed women to own their own property, even if they were married. It's hard to believe now, but there was a time when a woman couldn't inherit property or claim ownership, and without a husband, she would have to be dependent on her father or another male relative, or she'd become destitute. In 1919 the Nineteenth Amendment to the Constitution at last granted women the right to vote in the United States.
The quest for equal rights didn't end with the right to vote; women have been fighting for equal rights under the law ever since. Much of this effort has resulted in great good, such as giving women the right to hold public office, enter into legal agreements, get an education, and receive equal pay for equal work. Some of the results, such as on-demand abortion, have resulted in deep and heartbreaking evil.
In the 1970s, as the sometimes misguided cry for equality grew, the church began to respond to what it viewed as the threat of feminism. The evangelical church focused its response in three key areas: defining men's and women's roles in the home and the church, taking a stand against abortion (which was legalized in 1973), and opposing the Equal Rights Amendment. But it wasn't until 1979, with the release of Francis Schaeffer's and C. Everett Koop's groundbreaking book and film series Whatever Happened to the Human Race? that the evangelical church began to awaken and respond to the horrors of abortion and then, by extension, to the feminist movement in America.
At the same time, with the ordination of women in more liberal denominations, people started to ask questions about equality for women in formerly male-dominated leadership roles in the church. So churches began to formulate answers, set guidelines, produce literature, and host conferences to define and explain gender roles. Hence, the "biblical masculinity" and "biblical femininity" movements were born in the 1980s, reaching their full saturation in the evangelical church's culture by the early 2000s.
Generally speaking, biblical masculinity and femininity may be defined as the recognition that both men and women are equally created in the image of God but also have distinct masculine and feminine roles as part of God's created order. Those roles are expressed beautifully in the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church.
Much of the material produced by the biblical masculinity and femininity movement has brought great good to many people. For one thing, it has emphasized the importance of marriage and commitment to family. Thanks in part to "no fault" divorce (beginning in 1969 in California and spreading to nearly every state in the union by 1983), the American culture began to experience the breakdown of the traditional home. At least half of an entire generation of children were being raised in single-parent homes where traditional gender roles were not modeled. In addition, many children (including myself ) were raising themselves while their parents (or parent) worked.
To say that I personally had no clue what it meant to be defined as a woman according to a biblical understanding would be an understatement. I had never seen how a loving servant leader would care for and provide for his family. I had never seen my mother model joyous support of her husband. What I did see was my mother working at least one full-time job and trying with all her might to provide for my brother and me. I never knew what it meant to be in a family, to work together for a common goal, to live intentionally as the person I had been created to be. Because of that, when I married, I had a lot of learning to do.
Let me say it again: I am very thankful for many of the values and much of the material produced by the leaders of this movement. I am also grateful for the courageous stand that they have taken against strong anti-God, antifamily forces in our culture, for their love for women and men and families, and for their love of the Word and the church.
But as with any movement that gains an audience and influence, the gender roles movement has also produced unfortunate misunderstandings and excesses. Due to a misinterpretation of biblical teachings, some materials have been produced that do not serve women well. To-do lists, steps, and bad advice have burgeoned, and many women find themselves exhausted and crushed by the dos and don'ts given to them in the name of biblical womanhood. Essentially we're told that we need to do more, be more, and perform more to be acceptable in God's eyes.
If you're wondering what form some of these steps, lists, and bad advice can take, you can glance through the sidebars throughout this book. These are just a few samples of the hundreds of responses given to me by women who have been harmed by this misunderstanding of what the Bible says about men and women.
The truth is that both radical feminism—lies sold to women in the name of equality—and radical femininity—lies sold to women in the name of Christianity—have harmed women and children. But while Christians have been quick to engage in conversations about the repercussions of misguided feminism, there hasn't been much acknowledgment of the way women are harmed when they are force-fed rules that go beyond Scripture and add to Scripture—rules that are products of a particular culture rather than of the gospel.
For instance, some people have taken the command in Ephesians 5:33 that a wife should respect her husband to mean that a man's masculinity and leadership depend solely on his wife's ability to be feminine. Some have misinterpreted Titus 2:4-5 to mean that a child's godliness and success depend entirely on his or her mother and her daily goodness, consistency, and healthy meal planning. And based on a misunderstanding of 1 Timothy 5:9-14, single women have been told that they have no value apart from a relationship to a man. This is simply ridiculous.
The Proverbs 31 Woman
In an effort to formulate a biblical response to the gender-blurring roles developed by feminism, Christians did what they ought to do: they went to the Bible to see what roles the Bible lays out for women. In that search, they held up several passages as models for determining a woman's role, foremost among them Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, Titus 2, and 1 Peter 3. This wasn't a bad place to start, but the principles were often taken out of the larger context of Scripture.
Dr. Jerram Barrs, a professor and Francis Schaeffer scholar, says that this overly narrow focus about women's roles has caused significant damage, leading the Christian community to see women "entirely through the eyes of men reacting to feminist emphases by focusing all their deliberation on those four passages." He continues, "I am not saying that those passages should be ignored or set aside, for they are, of course important, but beginning and ending with them has given rise to severe misconceptions."
Do you think that perhaps I'm overstating the problem here? I assure you that I am not. The Proverbs 31 woman has been written about in more than twenty books in just the last decade, ranging from workbooks to how-tos to steps in becoming a woman of virtue in thirty-one days (calendars included). And nearly ten books about becoming a Titus 2 woman have been written in the last decade.
Many women look at these descriptions of the ideal woman and think, There's no way I could pull that off—no way I could fit that mold. I don't blame them. Other women work their fingers to the bone in the hope that on some future date their children will rise up and call them blessed. The number of sermons preached on Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 on Mother's Day is enough to tempt women to stay home, not wanting to hear again the ways they're failing.
Of course, the church isn't the only place women are receiving a flood of to-do lists, steps, and bad advice. But because the church's message carries more weight with Christian women than other sources do, it is particularly destructive. Christian women want to please the Lord; we want to live in a way that positively impacts our children. We are, for the most part, serious about wanting to shine in our part of the dark world, so when the church speaks, we listen.
The problem comes when women (and men) haven't learned how to differentiate between law and gospel— when we don't understand how the good news of Jesus' perfect life, death, resurrection, ascension, and reign is meant to impact us. When we don't see the connection between the righteous life Jesus lived and our standing before a holy God, we are setting ourselves up for bondage. Many women don't understand the freedom that has been purchased for us, and we often get tangled up in legalism or moralism. We don't know what it would look like for obedience to be motivated by gratitude.
A Ministry of Death
Paul described the law as "the ministry of death, carved in letters on stone," which "came with such glory that the Israelites could not gaze at Moses' face because of its glory" (2 Corinthians 3:7). Even the law in its purest form can only accomplish what the law by itself will always accomplish: it will always produce death.
My friends, if even God's law, written directly by His own finger and full of so much glory that it transfigured Moses' face, is a "ministry of death" to those who try to fulfill it, then these to-do lists, steps, and pieces of ludicrous advice will not produce the fruit we're hoping for. They will not build or protect the family or God's people in the world. They will not glorify Him. They will not make Him smile. They will only breed pride, despair, exhaustion, anger, self-pity, hypocrisy, addiction to introspection, and even abandonment of the faith.
I believe there are specific instructions in Scripture regarding gender roles, including those in Genesis 2–3, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, 1 Timothy 2, Titus 2, and 1 Peter 3. I believe that these truths remain valid for today and that we ignore them to our great harm. But I also believe that much of what has been dished out to women under the guise of "biblical gender roles" has failed us in at least two ways. It has gone way beyond Scripture's bounds, while at the same time closing off much of the Bible's message of comfort and hope. In these ways, much of this teaching resembles Jesus' description of the Pharisees', for it gathers unnecessarily heavy burdens and lays them on women's shoulders (see Matthew 23:4). Meanwhile, those who teach these things effectively "shut the kingdom of heaven in [their] faces" (verse 13).
When we define gender roles too narrowly, overemphasizing a limited number of texts while completely ignoring the breadth of Scripture— when we try to make Scripture say more than it actually does or tell any segment of people that only certain parts of the Scripture concern them (whether we intentionally communicate this message or not)— we do so to the detriment of women and men, and to the detriment of the church and its mission in the world.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Good news for Weary Women by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, Stephanie Rische. Copyright © 2014 Elyse Fitzpatrick. Excerpted by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..
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