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Gnome Home Papers

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Chapter One

My Story

A short story for anyone to read in their spare time. It's about a semi-literate alligator with a mouthful of crooked teeth who may walk up to you any time. He's harmless, sometimes, depending on what side you find yourself on. I pity the poor fool. He's a trickster. Be careful, times will test even the best of people. Money will have no value as to its character.

Alfred. He likes to be called that name. It was the one that he gave me when I first met him. It must have been easy to say on his overly large stained crooked teeth. Anyway, on this quiet glorious sunny morning, I heard a very faint rumble from the outside, coming closer from down the street.

Ahhh ... right on time as usual. Every Monday morning for the past three months running. The strangest sight though ... is his dark forest green Norton Motorcycle and sidecar. It sputters to a stop in front of my large store front window.

I watch with a growing smile on my face as he with much practiced motions as he gets his stubby legs off the cooling Norton. This dark green machine with the gleaming chrome sparkles in the strong sunlight. He looks down the street and slowly scans back up, from whence he came. It reminds me of a western gunslinger on the telly. Looking for imaginary trouble and not finding any, he slowly removes the goggles and the black leather helmet. Those items are from a bygone era. When men were heroes to fly in those fragile aeroplanes, up in the air looking down on the earth as gods.

Oh, I digress so easily, but I'm brought back to the present as the door jangles open, just as the old large grandfathers clock booms seven times. In he strides and slowly scans the sunlit room.

Alfred is wearing a tan wool jacket, a pinstriped brown vest and a dark green tie. Black pants. He's replaced his head gear with a fashionable tan derby which was stored in the sidecar. Which I missed when my head was in the clouds.

My store, called Mr. Kinge's Fine Imports Emporium on Daffyd Street, has held his curiosity now because what I sell. It's on Daffyd Street, one street from over that tragic accident last week. My, my, terrible thing to happen. Those poor people ...

"... Good Morning Stephen! Tis another fine start to the day is it not!"

His toenails clacked on the darkened wooden boards as he walkd back an forth in front of me.

"Good Morning to you too Alfred. Good to see you again. Just let me know if I can help you with anything."

Today, Alfred looks very closely to the five shelves on the right side of the store. He walks down that aisle. Picks up a few cans and reads the contents. He places the items back on the shelf and walks back and forth.

He is now at the back wall with its six shelves. Click, clack, click, clack goes his toenails, like that of a slow metronome. And now coming along the left wall with the seven shelves. Very methodical in his unhurried way. I occasionally peer over my morning newspaper, The Daily Journal, and sip my hot steaming coffee and watch him. Also intrigued and looking at the increasing amount of dust motes in the streaming sunlight coming through the front window.

Alfred finally clacked his way to me and pointed with his boney claw to a Red and Yellow striped can of raw catfish, that been on sale for the past two years. You should have seen his luminous blinking green eyes. There were big tears welling up and beginning to flow. Now, if he were a croc.... He wanted three of those of the three pound variety.

He is staring past me to the four shelfs where this one extraordinary can resided. I picked up my gotcher to grab a hold this one can that rest on the top shelf. I blew off the thick covering of accumulated dust and we both sneezed with vigor and cleared our clogged throats out of the rear door in the alley. Hey ... it's a guys store here, whatcha want us to do, spit on the floor?

I carry some off brands that are more difficult to find. If I don't have it, I know who does. Good thing Alfred picked up a wooden box from his sidecar when he came in. He pointed to three more cans of the five pound weight class.

"Please Sir, there's more!"

He pleaded like a child in a candy store. Which by the way is just next door to me. With those crooked teeth though....

"Sir, come with me."

As Alfred shuffled towards the back wall I followed like a dutiful executioner trailing with the ever ready gotcher. Clack, click, clack, click went his toenails. I had to side step several times his swishing tail. This very reason I didn't have aisles.

Several more cans/boxes caught Alfred's attention with equal happiness. Cat's Meow, Dog's Day, Chicken Delight, Pig's Pickings. And of course, my handy dandy gotcher came into use for those hard to reach items stored on the top shelf.

In all my years in this fine establishment I have never been able to sell this stuff ... er merchandise, until today! Alfred's wooden container overflowed with items and the flowing dust was like a smoke screen as we trudged back to the front counter. The ceiling fan caught the rotating dust....

As I rang up the various culinary speciality delights on my ancient cash register I profusely thanked Alfred on his good taste!

He replied very quickly to me as he paid for his bill, "De Missus would be proud in what I found. Queenie and I 'ave a very delicious repast. Oh, 'ow She cooks!"

"Sir, there's more! I 'ave a question for you!"

I stopped from what I was doing and looked up from the cash register,

I saw a gleam in his large unblinking green eyes that I haven't seen before. The intensity! It kinda put me on edge, not knowing what to expect from this very energetic loquacious Alligator.

Once again His mouth takes up from where he stopped.

"Since I 'aven't asked Queenie yet ... I 'ave the makings of a Great Feast ... 'ould ye be our Guest? Queenie 'asn't been 'er usual self lately!"

Alfred hasn't spoken with this much passion in the past three months since I've known him. He's always talked with an accent but now ... it's like something being squeezed and sucked down a sewer drain.

I held out my hand to Alfred and said.

"Hey, slow down, Alfred! Take a deep breath. Sure, sure, just name the time and I'll be there!"

Little did I realize what could happen if and when I showed up. Just to escape from what I trapped myself in with Alfred with my sudden happy mouth, I replied to Alfred, "Make sure Queenie understands what you got her into! She may not want just anyone off the street to show up at her front door."

I was desperately looking for a way out when Alfred slightly confirmed my misgivings when he said, "She be dying to meet ye!"

Alfred just stared at me seconds far too long for my comfort.

Alfred put all the items in the wooden box, clacked his way to the front door and I opened the clanging door and he ambled to his Norton motorcycle. Alfred placed the box in the sidecar, replaced his derby for the black leather helmet, goggles. He gracefully balanced his bulky body on the machine, pushed the button on to start the engine. The Norton rumbled into life, roaring oily blue smoke. He roared off down the quiet street, waving his right arm in the air and turned right at the corner and disappeared. I stayed out on the sidewalk, listening to the heavenly sound of the Norton and the warmth of the early morning sunshine on my face.

Alfred

I was home this early morning, getting ready for work. Drinking the last dregs of the barely luke warm coffee and putting the glass mug in the kitchen sink. Good Stuff! I took a deep breath and steeled myself for another wonderful day. I turned to walk to the locked kitchen side door to unlock it. The front door bell chimed. Hmmm, who could that be I thought? Good timing on someone's part! Tell them to go away, no one home. Going to work ... all sorts of excuses ran through my mind.

As I unlocked the three different locking bolts from the heavy oaken front door, sunshine greeted me in warmth ... and there's an Alligator standing there! On my front door step!

Apparently he saw my open mouth and astonished face and he started to introduce himself to me.

"'ello!", he said, quite distinctly but with a slight lisp as he took off his tan and white derby.

I was somewhat taken aback by his neat appearance and why would he show up at my door. I mumbled something of a friendly hi back to him and asked, "What can I do for you?"

He said very smoothly, "My name is Alfred and I've been sent to this address for work, eh, 'ere's me work card of employment!"

I was still at a loss for words why someone would send him to my house looking for work. Highly unusual! Anyway, I put out my right hand to shake his hand, he quickly thrust his employment card into my hand. If and when I find out who did this, well....

Alfred just stood there as I hurriedly scanned the much written up record of his recent hirings. His large unblinking green eyes just bored into mine as I read the report. This made me jumpy about something, let alone with his highly stained crooked teeth, that occasionally clacked together.

"Pardon me Sir, since we're standing on yer porch, could I trouble ye fer a glass of water? It's fer me nervous condition! Nothing life threatening though!"

I must say, his manners are impeccable and he's quite charming, great personality too.

I replied, "Sure, come on in, watch your head as you walk in. And of course, the kitchen is in back of the house."

He kinda filled the doorway and that ridged tail of his, snaked every which way. I had to move somethings around to accommodate him.

As Alfred waddled through the living room, my cat, Cat, saw him, fainted dead away. Usually Cat hisses then faints! Cat was one of those type cats that takes over a home and you're the boarder!

I wanted to let Alfred know about Cat.

I said, "Oh, don't worry about him, Alfred. He does that all the time!"

I turned to look at Alfred as I spoke, Alfred had one of his clawed fingers in his stained teeth. His darting eyes caught mine looking at Cat and back to me. Hmmm ... trouble brewing over this right off!

So I did a little fast cough to get his attention and we resumed our hike to the kitchen. I reached up to the dark walnut cupboard where I kept the tall glasses.

As I was getting the glass down I said to Alfred, "He's maybe an old cat but he's my old cat. Don't go near him!"

Apparently I caught Alfred off guard for his answer was, ... "Aye, Sir, as you want, Sir. I won't give'im another glance, Sir. I 'ope Sir, that this will not reflect on me record?"

I looked at him squarely in the eye, he gave me those big round alligator eyes of his. Oh, he's a sly one!

"Do you want any ice cubes in the glass?"

"No, water ought do just fine. Thank you, Sir."

"By the way, Alfred, what type of work are you looking for? I like to match up my potential employees with work they like to do. Your card mentions you work with animal control shelters, outdoor game officer."

I quickly thought to myself, this has to do with animals plus alligator that equals with food! Right up his ally!

"Ahem ... it also states you also worked in a China and Dry Goods store. Plus you also were a part time butler in Louisiana." Nothing like a bull er alligator in a China Store. Imagine the tail!

Alfred chugged the water and placed his empty glass on the granite countertop and says, "Well, Sir, I did like that job when I was working that Dry Goods Store a few years back in Louisiana. That's where I bought me hat and something frilly fer da Missus! What a woman, She is, Sir! That's when it all happened."

He sniffed and for a minute there I thought he would cry. Just one big gator tear fell. I just handed the Kleenex box to Alfred in case he might need them.

I asked Alfred what happened to "his Missus" as he called her. I didn't want to appear too nosey. You never know what the big guy might want to tell me when he's down and out.

"You wouldn't mind sharing with me, Alfred? You don't have to at the moment."

Oh brother, how did I get this maudlin? This mano to gator thing?

"No ... it's okay with me, Sir. Me wifey, Queenie went native on me one day. I should have seen it coming though! Queenie would say the oddest things and get that odd gleam back in 'er eyes.... We never 'ad kids, Sir, it's a good thing I suppose...."

He trailed off in a world of his own.

"Alfred, I don't mean to intrude into your private matters. Queenie went native or do you mean Queenie went after a native?"

I was puzzled why his wife would do this, but I'll leave that to Alfred to explain.

"Oh, pardon me, Sir ... I 'ave a regrettable 'abit of wandering alone in the foothills of me thoughts whenever Queenie been mentioned."

Alfred still looked and sounded faraway in the next holler of his thoughts.

I happened to look at my ancient Timex watch and made a loud gasp at the time! It's 830AM! I should have been at The Office at least 30 minutes ago!

I yelled, "Alfred we need to go now! If you want, I'll take you to work and we'll continue our talk along the way!"

Alfred replied, "Certainly Sir, that would be fine. I 'ope you 'ave a fairly large car? There's a lot of me to fit in. Oh, I really didn't plan for this to 'appen this way, but lets go!"

I must have been a bit overly concerned about Cat. Cat is nowhere to be found as Alfred and I went to the kitchen side door. That in it self was not highly unusual, Cat was always at the side door, wanting that last rub down. But I guess considering my guest, I can understand his timidity. I did a shout out, "See you later Cat, have fun!"

I locked the side door and walked the red brick lined pathway to the Shed. Since it was one of those rare sunny, warm mornings, the flowers were in full bloom. Their fragranceis a bit over powering today. Bees buzzed everywhere. Doing their thing. I was a fit to be tied! I had a sneezing jag that wouldn't quit!

The sneezing finally stopped by the Shed. A simple old shack. With a sway back roof. Someday I'll have to put more supports to hold up the roof. Moss is growing on the slate roof which made it look like this belonged in a deep, dark, dank forest somewhere. I took off the wooden bar and open the wooden double doors. Sunlight filtered through the dust motes floating lazily in the air. Through this haze it lit up my forest green Norton Motorcycle with attached sidecar.

Alfred took one look at the Motorcycle and quickly said, "Oh dear!

And I said, "Oh, oh! This is going to be interesting!"

"Just a sec, Alfred. I need to wheel this out of the Shed. It makes a terrible racket if I start it in here! Neighbors, you know."

I pushed and grunted as usual and the bike tires crunched on the dirt floor.

"Isn't she a beauty, Alfred?"

I turned to look at Alfred. He was still in the Shed, scratching the top of his head.

He said to me in a puzzled pained way, "You want me to sit where? I can see this is going to be a tight pinch, but if the Grinch can do it, so can Alfred!"

I turned the key in the ignition box and soon had the throaty rumble of the engine purring. Pointing to the seat, I said, "Okay, Alfred, hop in the sidecar."

As he did, the whole right side of the bike kinda tilted to the right. No problem .... After much wriggling and getting much of his tail in, we started down the crunchy drive.

"Hold on Alfred, we're going to turn left."

And as we did, the whole contraption cascaded over to the right in slow motion. Alfred is on the roadway and I am left dangling over him, holding on for dear life. I managed to shut off the whinning engine and it sputtered to a stop.

"Okay Alfred, we got a problem!"

I carefully climbed off the bike. I had to carefully extract Alfred out of the sidecar. With that done we gently lowered the motorcycle to it's rightful position. Cars honked at us, carefully driving around us. I started it back up and drove it to the Shed and Alfred walked back.

I was thinking about the dilemma we are in. I could take off the panels and just leave the frame open. That's when I felt a slight tap on my shoulder.

Alfred in his quiet way spoke, "Hello ... anyone home here?"

I said, "I have and idea if I take off the ...."

"I've a better idea, Sir. How about I drive and you sit in the sidecar?"

He said that with such a straight face, I busted out laughing!

"That's really good, Alfred, really funny! How would that look, an alligator driving a motorcycle? What a sight! Ha, ha, ha!"

"It's been done before, Sir! By me! It's been a few years now, since I've done that stunt ... but you need to get to work and there's no other way. Find me a helmet and goggles and we'll be on the road again."

"Yes, we must get to The Office today!"

I ranted and raved for a few moments looking in the old storage bin. I lifted the rusty creaking lid and found what I was looking for. My Granddad's WWI leather flying helmet, goggles and scarf. My hands were shaking from the memory of my Grandfather and what Alfred looked like. I shouted with emotion to Alfred, "Hey, Alfred, look what I found! Try these on for size!"

"I don't know, Sir, the Helmet and Goggles fit like a charm. I don't do scarves, Sir. It's not me style!"

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Gnome Home Papers by S. Louis King Copyright © 2012 by S. Louis King. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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